I'm 50-Years Old and Still Can’t Think on My Feet

For most of July my boss, our company’s CFO, has been out of the office due to a family emergency. In the interim I've been covering for him. At first it was kind of fun – doing or delegating his work –  most of which he shouldn’t be doing anyway. But as the month drags on and I and our accounting department fall further behind, playing CFO has stopped being fun.

Then our HR Manager (regular readers may recall I've had issues with her in the past) decided our payroll person was incorrectly processing some of our payroll deductions. She called me into her office and began berating this employee behind her back telling me how stupid she was. Instead of standing up for my employee I offered to look into it. I went back to my office and searched how to process the specific deductions on the IRS.gov website. What our HR Manager had concluded didn’t make sense. I came up with a couple of examples as to why, braced myself and went back to her office to explain why she was mistaken. Of course I couldn't convince her and she ended up insisting she needed to check into the matter herself. It has been two days and I still haven't heard from her, so I assume her sources informed her she was wrong. If our CFO had been here this would have been a simple fix - I would have asked him, he would have said our payroll employee was correct and the HR Manager was wrong end of story.

This is such a minor incident why does it bother me?
Because here I am turning 50 this week and I still can’t think on my feet. I don't have a thick enough skin to stand up for my employee and articulate my thoughts when I am put on the spot.  When my boss retires in a few years I will never be strong enough to be the CFO on a permanent basis. Several years ago while re-reading my journals I discovered two years in a row I had written almost the identical entry on my birthday – in the upcoming year I am going to work on becoming a stronger person.

So here I am turning 50 and still challenging myself to becoming a stronger person in the upcoming year.

I didn't think I should blog about this. My challenge is so ordinary and there are others who have written about similar projects - Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia (I couldn't take all the crying),  Noelle Hancock's My Year with Eleanor: A Memoir (Her dialog was atrocious - like nails on a chalkboard) and Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun (Happiness is her job how can the average person find time for this). Then I came across Danielle LaPorte’s post "The Biggest Threat to Your Creativity" where she writes:

... is the fear that it’s already been done, said, created.

(So why bother?)

Say it, do it, make it anyway —

but tell YOUR story along the way.

The story of how you came to know what you know.

The story of what you want to know more of.

The story of why you do what you do.

        The story of how you came to care.

And that’s how you create what’s never been created before

Danielle Laporte has inspired me. I’m going to do this. My 50th year is going to be all about:

Finding my Strength

For starters I have added Danielle Laporte's book The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms to my reading list.

I have signed up for the Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge beginning July 16th. Guided by Deepak Chopra, and other master teachers I will learn practical techniques for becoming more calm, centered, and happy. The challenge is  21 days because studies have shown that it takes 21 days of consistent behavior to change a habit or create a new one.

I am also challenging myself to read books about those who have persevered and succeeded despite having obstacles in their lives.

I have a few other ideas, but nothing definite.  Have you taken on a similar challenge? Do you have any suggestions for me? If so please share.

Walgreens Way to Well Heath Tour Coming to Milwaukee

The WalgreensWay to Well Health Tour with AARP is a community outreach program that provides free health tests, consultations, and educational materials to the underserved communities that need it most – those that have the highest prevalence for leading diseases and highest uninsured or unemployed populations. The tour is part of a $100 million initiative to help Americans improve their health by providing early detection for chronic diseases like heart disease, cancer and diabetes.

The tour includes a fleet of four health tour buses that are traveling throughout the U.S. and Puerto Rico now through December.  The tour will be in and around Milwaukee beginning July 12 through August 4th.

The free health tests provided include:

·       Cholesterol

·       Glucose

·       Blood Pressure

·       Body Mass Index

 ·       Body Composition

 ·       Skeletal Muscle

 ·       Reseting Metabolism

 ·       Visceral Fat

 ·       Real Body Age

The tests are valued at over $100 and only take about 20 minutes to complete. Anyone 18 and older is encouraged to visit the tour - no appointment or insurance is necessary. Plus, each Wellness bus has at least one bilingual certified staff member on site. Visit www.walgreens.com/waytowell to find your nearest tour stop location.

The health tests take place on the bus, although if a person is disabled or needs assistance the Wellness Tour staff will make the necessary accommodations, which may involve conducting select tests in a private area outside of the bus.

What about follow-up information?

After the health tests are performed, a pharmacist or wellness staff member provides the results and reviews them with the consumer. Visitors have access to free educational information on a variety of health and wellness issues that are available in both English and Spanish. Additionally, they will receive a free one-year AARP membership offer. Visitors are encouraged to see their Walgreens pharmacist, doctor or health care provider with any concerns.

Want to help? Here is how you can contribute?
If you can't make it out to visit the tour and still with to contribute, you can do so by purchasing Walgreens brand health and wellness products. 1¢ from the purchase of every Walgreens Brand Health and Wellness Product, up to $3 million annually. will support bringing preventative wellness services to local communities through the Walgreens Way to Well Fund.

"I was compensated for this post. All opinions expressed are my own."

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How not to lose your cool while manager screams at you

The owner of my company has an intense type “A” personality.  He’s in his seventies and currently holds the position of CEO.  Over the years I’ve seen him lose his temper many, many times reducing his targets to jellyfish. Recently I experienced his anger first hand:

I was busy working on a project due in a couple of hours when our CEO interrupted me asking if I’d notarize some personal papers for him. He said something about where I should notarize as I searched for my notary stamp.  I took the forms and began filling in the date when I realized I was about to notarize someone else’s signature. I said this is for Mr. Smith?  He grabbed the forms and began screaming at me, “WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN.”  That is my brother’s section. I told you to notarize here.

I managed to keep my cool as I completed his request.  He did say, “How did you like being yelled at?” (Which was probably his way of apologizing) as I notarized. I responded with “I’ve been yelled at before.”      

How did I manage to keep my cool?

I was able to put his anger into perspective. Fortunately I had been reading Anne Kreamer's book It's Always Personal: Emotion in the New Workplace.  A couple of days earlier I had read the following paragraph:

Anger in response to frustrations encountered on the job is one of the most pervasive kinds, with 69% of our survey respondents reporting having been frustrated during the past year. This sort of anger lets off steam and relieves stress and almost half the people surveyed cited the perception of coworkers not doing their job properly as prime motivator for frustration – driven anger. (Pg. 58)

As the CEO was screaming at me I realized he was lashing out due to his frustration with my lousy listening skills.  Imagining where his anger was coming from shifted my focus from being yelled at to feeling guilty for not listening.

Another common technique given to change perspective is to imagine your opponent as a two-year old having a tantrum while wearing a diaper.

I kept breathing:

I discovered why breathing helps us remain calm in Penelope Trunk’s book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success.  Practicing deep breathing was one of the techniques Lindy Amos, a consultant who teaches people build connections through authenticity, gave Penelope to practice at home: Penelope writes:

Lindy told me an American Indian proverb: “The difference between fear and excitement is breathing.” She said, “Fear causes your breathing to become shallow, your muscles to tense, and your brain to go blank.  We communicate to have impact. If we’re not breathing, we’re not even present. There is no chance of having impact if you aren’t even present.  Deep breaths free your constricted chest, oxygenate your blood, and put you in charge of your brain again.” (Pg. 108)

Perhaps most important I have learned something from all of this.  In the days that followed instead of brooding over being yelled at I made a conscious effort to really listen to others.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can improve my listening skills? Have any of you been yelled at in the workplace? How did you manage to stay calm?

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Ann Taylor Loft’s Return Policy Sucks

I have been slow to buy new clothes since losing weight last summer. Instead I wear either clothes that are too big or my former skinny clothes that are now over five years old.  I wanted to make sure I could keep the weight off before investing money in a new wardrobe. A couple of days before Easter I decided I needed a pair of pants that actually fit.   I found two pair at Ann Taylor Loft, a store I usually don’t shop at because their styles usually don’t work for me.  (Call me old fashioned, but I prefer Mom Pants) See examples:

One pair I wore to an Easter brunch the other I thought would be perfect for summer.  Last week I was all set to wear my new linen trouser pants to work before taking one last look in the mirror.  Argh! The pants looked terrible on me (to be honest they were a questionable purchase when I tried them on in the store, but I thought with a long linen shirt they would be okay). They were a tad tight showing every bulge. Plus, they really were too long.  Deciding I could not be seen in public wearing them; I returned them to the store. 

Ann Taylor Loft's Return Policy:

Unfortunately Ann Taylor’s return policy sucks. After 60 days they only give you the item’s current selling price either in the form of a merchandise credit or as a merchandise exchange. The good news is the credit never expires. 

Why is that good news?
Since I don’t ever plan on ever shopping at Ann Taylor Loft again I am planning on giving the credit to a friend who loves the store.  She will be able to take her time using the credit.

Lesson learned:

I need to educate myself on return and other company policies before making purchases at stores where I don’t normally shop.  Here is a list of links that will help all of us become more educated consumers:

Top Ten Worst Company Policies To Be Aware Of:
Money Crashers has put together a list of crazy company policies that border on rip-offs.

Gift Return Worst Practices: Retail Return Policies That Lose Customers:
I was aware of Best Buy and Target's return policies, but not Barnes and Noble.  Seriously B and N if we forget to include the packing slip when mailing back our return we forfeit both our refund and our purchase.

The 5 Worst Retailer Return Policies:
20 Something Finance lists 5 of the worst.

Kohl's is my Kryptonite
Kohl's actually has one of the best no hassle return policies out there. I am including this post from Stephanie at Graduated Learning because she does a great job showing us how Kohl's gets us to keep showing up at their store. 

Do you have a bad return experience you would like to share?

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“Light” Reading

For quite some time now I’ve been reading serious books; business and career-related books, nonfiction books for women and memoirs or biographies.  After my latest read, Anne Kreamer's It's Always Personal: Emotion in the New Workplace (a book I can't seem to motivate myself to review on this blog) I decided to take a break from these types of books.  Its time I read a good story or just be entertained. 

I began with Holes by Louis Sachar:
This YA book was mentioned by Lisa Bloom in her book Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. Lisa wrote:

Holes by Louis Sachar, allegedly a kids’ book, but honestly, I think that masterpiece was written just for me.

I found this book to be an excellent palate cleanser (a phrase I am borrowing from Kim at Sophisticated Dorkiness).  It includes a clever story, interesting relationship dynamics and enough life lessons to keep you thinking about the book for a few days after reading.


My next book was Ruth Reichl’s book Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise:

 

This book has been on my reading list since I spotted it on OMagazine's list of 4 Funny Books We Love. The list also includes Bill Bryson’s book A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail - one of the funniest book I’ve ever read - any book included alongside Bryson's deserves a look.

Here is Doro Hunter, the book’s assistant editor's description of Garlic and Sapphires:
 

In this voyeuristic journey into the restaurant world, Reichl, the former New York Times food columnist, describes how she wore disguises so servers wouldn’t know that she was a famous critic.

I didn't think Reichl’s book was laugh out loud funny - I thought some of Reichl’s disguises and the personalities she took on were a little sad - but it was certainly an entertaining page-turner.  It was interesting to see how her appearance affected the service she received at some of NYC’s top restaurants.  Reichl’s restaurant reviews and food descriptions are some of the best food writing I’ve ever read, though I did find it surprising the number of restaurants she visited that served fois gras as an appetizer.  She also provides a lesson for those of us who have celebrity aspirations. She receives this warning from a co-worker shortly after becoming the New York Times restaurant critic:

And later when everyone’s telling you how wonderful you are, don’t forget this. Remember that no matter how well you do the job, the power is not yours.  It all, every scrap of it belongs to this institution. You’re just a byline.  Take a good look.  The minute you give up the job, you become a nobody. (Pg. 65)

My next read is going to be Michael Shaara’s The Killer Angels: A Novel of the Civil War:

I know war is not exactly a subject that can be considered light reading, but as an ISFJ even my fiction has to teach me something, which is why I usually prefer historical fiction. Here is the quote from Jaclyn Day’s blog post [Childhood] books that made a difference that makes me want to read this book:

This book also ranks as one of my all-time favorites. My family is probably sick of me talking about it as I often reminisce about how much I love it. I look at this book as the first “adult” book I really read. Emerging from a cloud of young adult fiction, a teacher handed me this and everything changed. This book is not only one of the finest historical novels ever written, but maybe one of the finest books I will ever read…period.
Is there a particular author or book you turn to when you need a little “light” reading?

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Unemployment doesn’t have to SUCK! Book Review and Giveaway

I recently had the pleasure of reading Sarah Powers book Unemployment Doesn't have to Suck!: Make it work for you! (I received a review copy). Sarah who was laid off last year wrote this book as a resource for others. At 119-pages it is a quick read, but don’t let the brevity fool you – this book is crammed with useful information.

Sarah describes her book as getting down to business quick, telling us she did not write the “bible for unemployment” or a novel.  What she did write was a useful guide packed with valuable information including tips she learned from interviewing Leila Winther a coordinator of a career center. The book really has something for everyone, especially if it has been awhile since you’ve had to search for a new job. There is a refresher on unemployment insurance (don’t forget it is taxable income), information for those returning to school, how to cut expenses, what to include on a resume and more. Most helpful though are the additional resources and website links she provides.

Here is a sampling of the information included in the book:

Did you know there is such a thing as a Lifelong Learning Credit?
This is an academic tax break for those of us who already have a bachelor’s degree. The credit reimburses 20% of qualified education expenses you’ve paid (up to $2000).

Did you know many local scholarship funds simply go untouched because students did not take the time to inquire of apply?
I can attest to this.  I serve on the board of a local charity that awards two scholarships a year.  It is sad to see how few scholarship applications we actually receive.  Leila recommends readers view scholarship opportunities at Fastweb.com.

To learn more about yourself and match your skills to careers, Leila suggests visiting:

mynextmove.org

iseek.org/careers/skillsassessment

Final Thoughts:
If you’ve recently lost your job, been out of work for a while or are searching for a new career you could benefit from this book. The book’s optimistic message – Unemployment doesn’t have to SUCK! - is one anyone who is out of work needs to hear.

Book Giveaway:
I have one extra copy of Unemployment Doesn't have to Suck!: Make it work for you! I’d like to give away.  To be eligible:

1. Leave a comment below telling me why you would like to receive a copy

2. Include your email address  

Drawing entry will close June 30, 2012

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Enjoy Mad Men check out Mad Women

I first heard of Jane Maas and her book Mad Women: The Other Side of Life on Madison Avenue in the '60s and Beyond when Kim Ukura included it on her list of Nonfiction for the Life and Times of Mad Men on Book Riot. Kim writes:

In this memoir, “real life Peggy Olson” Jane Maas writes about her time as a copywriter the world of advertising in New York. Maas started her career in 1964 at Ogilvy and Mather, eventually becoming the president of an agency in New York. Honestly, who doesn’t want to hear more about what life was like for the Peggy Olsons of the world?

I had recently begun watching Mad Men and was intrigued with show and the character of Peggy Olson. Sex at the office, three-martini lunches, constant cigarette smoking and women treated as second class citizens was this show accurate? Jane Maas using her own experiences along with interviews with her peers provides an insider’s view. I had to read this book.

Is the show accurate?
Mostly yes, though most people Jane knew didn’t drink in the mornings and those who smoke find the smoking on the show phony. Cigarette smokers know that smoking is a habit that smokers aren’t aware of.  The actors on the show make a big production of their smoking.  The details of the sets including the office and apartment furnishings and character attire are right-on except for Peggy; they get an accessory wrong.  I am not going to be a spoiler you will have to read the book to find out what it is.  The show's depiction of sex at the office and women being treated as second class citizens is accurate.

What about Jane? How did her real-life experiences compare with Peggy’s?

Jane confirms women didn’t make the same salary as a man with the same title, didn’t have equal space – the guys got offices with windows, women got cubicles.  There were also accounts women were not allowed to work on such as car advertising. Jane writes: 

Why should men take us seriously as advertising professionals? Women weren’t even taken seriously as consumers. (pg. 55)

Jane did have two advantages over Peggy and most other working women of the time:

She had a supportive, successful well-connected and liberal-minded husband. She also had Mabel her nanny and housekeeper who lived with the family Monday through Friday. Jane admits she would not have been able to devote her life to her career without Mabel who came to the family in 1963 and stayed for thirty-two years.*

Mad Women includes networking and career lessons.  I enjoyed the following:

Sit at the front of the room:
Jane who is short would always sit in the front-row at agency meetings.

It is a huge advantage, because in addition to seeing better, you are also seen. (pg. 35)

Priority setting from Mary Wells, president and founder of Wells Rich Green:

Early on I learned to focus and eliminate from my life anything that didn’t really matter because so much in my life did matter.  I pretty well eliminated a social life except with my clients.  They were as interesting to socialize with as anyone else I knew, so that was easy.  My life was simply my family, Wells Rich Greene, and my clients. (pg. 68)

On the importance of a “network:”
Jane receives an offer from Leona Helmsley, yes “the Queen of Mean” Leona Helmsley of Helmsley Hotels, to market the Helmsley motels. Jane would have her own advertising agency.  Leona offers to help Jane get lots of other clients. 

At home that night Jane asked her husband Michael what he thought.  He said what do you have to lose and she agreed.  End of discussion.  In hindsight:

Few men would make a big decision like changing jobs without checking with their Old Boy network.  Women still don’t have that instinctive reaction, nor do we have as good an Old Girl network.  We’re getting better, but we’re not there yet. (pg. 193)

Bottom Line:

I enjoyed this book especially its author Jane Maas.  Jane is warm, professional and likeable.  She seems honest.  She admits her book Adventures of an Advertising Women was a whitewashed memoir.  As president of a New York advertising agency she wrote the book to help attract new business.  In Mad Women she revisits clients and advertising campaigns mentioned in her previous book writing the truth this time.  She doesn’t come across as bitter even when describing the sexism and challenges she faced. Actually, she says she was having a wonderful time. 

If you watch Mad Men, are interested in advertising, life in the sixties, or successful career women, you may enjoy this book. I’ve left out Jane’s perspective on being a working mother and her take on where women are today, if interested you will have to read the book.

 *This is the third time I’ve read about career women getting help with their housekeeping. First Mary Kay Ash, then Lisa Bloom and now Jane Maas  I am beginning to believe them, a housekeeper is a necessity.

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How to save for retirement when you don’t make a lot of money?

Ever since I read the book Shortchanged: Why Women Have Less Wealth and What Can Be Done About It by Mariko Chang, I have been more cognizant of how difficult it is for low-wage earners to save money for retirement. When I heard about the Tax Savers Credit at a seminar this week I took notice.

What is the Tax Savers Credit?
The tax savers credit was designed to help low and moderate income workers save for retirement. Unlike a tax deduction, a tax credit reduces the tax you owe dollar for dollar. This credit is available to anyone who meets the income limitations and made contributions to qualified retirement plans including 401K, traditional or Roth IRAs, 457s, 501c, SEP and SIMPLE. The credit can be taken even if you don't make a contribution for the previous year until April 15 of the current year.

The tax savers credit provides a credit of between 10% and 50% of the amount contributed to an eligible plan up to $2,000. For someone filing as a single taxpayer who meets the income requirements would receive a maximum credit of $1,000 on contributions of $2,000. Taxpayers filing jointly would receive a maximum credit of $2,000 on contributions of $4,000.

The credit does not affect your eligibility to exclude your savings from your income, and does not impact your earned income credit or your child care tax credit.

The credit is non-refundable. It will reduce the taxes you owe, but will not help you generate a tax refund. For example, if you are eligible for a $1,000 credit, but owe taxes of $800 the tax savers credit will reduce your tax liability to zero, but will not provide you with a $200 refund.

The adjusted gross income limits to claim the savers credit in 2012 are as follows:

• For Married couples filing jointly : Maximum adjusted gross income (AGI) –$57,500
• For Heads of Household : Maximum adjusted gross income (AGI) – $43,125
• For Married individuals filing separately and $28,750 in 2012.

If you would like to see a table that provides the percentage of credit allowed by income for 2011, please see this article. I can't locate a similar table for 2012.

Adjusted gross income is your taxable income after you have subtracted personal exemptions and itemized deductions.

Other rules that apply to the saver’s credit:

• Taxpayers must be at least 18 years of age.
• Anyone claimed as a dependent on someone else’s return cannot take the credit.
• A student cannot take the credit. A person enrolled as a full-time student during any part of 5 calendar months during the year is considered a student

In the Los Angeles Times article Retirement Saver's credit could significantly reduce tax bill Kathy M. Kristof wrote:

"Hardly any of the people who qualify for the credit are aware of it," said Catherine Collinson, president of the Transamerica Center for Retirement Research. Collinson's organization surveyed thousands of individuals and found that only 12% of the respondents who earned less than $50,000 — those most likely to qualify for the credit — had heard of it. And just 17% of those who were aware of the credit had claimed it.

I am a CPA (working in industry not tax) and only became aware of this credit, which has been around since 2002, last week. If I hadn't heard of the credit, how are those who are not as financially savvy supposed to be aware of it. Let’s get the word out:

Have you checked to see if you are eligible for the TAX SAVERS CREDIT?

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Worker embarrassed to attend retirement party after being fired

Jennifer writes:
I was recently fired from my janitorial job after 20-years of service.  I am 75 years old.  My manager and co-workers had asked me numerous times over the past three years when I planned on retiring.  I always responded with, “never.”  I loved my job, enjoyed the people I worked with and needed the money.  Having been a stay-at-home mom before divorcing my husband at age 55, I still have a mortgage, almost no money saved and a mere pittance of a social security check.  Three weeks before my birthday my manager called me in for a meeting, she had written me up for working too slow stating others had complained they had to complete my work.  I strongly disagreed with her statement and spent the next three weeks keeping to myself and working hard.

Around my birthday, my co-worker gave me an empty swag bag he had found in the ladies restroom (the company I worked for hosts numerous on-site conferences) and asked me if I wanted it.  I took it (despite knowing the rules – we are to turn in any left behind items to lost and found).  A week later I was called in to HR.  This very same employee had turned me in to his manager for stealing the swag bag.  I told them he had found the bag and had given it to me, though, I did admit to taking it.  He denied giving me the bag instead saying he had witnessed me stealing it.  I was fired.  

One more fact to note, my-coworker and manager are husband and wife.
Yesterday I received a phone call from one of my other co-workers; the company wants to throw me a retirement party.  The party will be held at my former place of work and supposedly everyone will be there.  I am embarrassed to show my face after what happened.  Am I obligated to attend?

Jennifer,

I sincerely believe you were not fired for stealing an empty $2 swag bag; you were forced to retire because you are 75 years-old.  Companies can’t tell you that though or they risk being sued for discrimination.  They now feel guilty and want to give you a proper send-off and thank you for emptying their trash cans and scrubbing the company urinals for the past 20-years I highly doubt your former manager and her lying back-stabbing husband will show their faces.   Go.  You deserve a proper send-off.

Also, I believe in Karma. Setting you up like this was truly shameful. I predict your company will eventually outsource their janitorial services and your former manager and back-stabbing co-worker will be the first ones to be let go.

Enjoy your retirement. You deserve it.

Love for Grown-Ups

Motivation for reading:
TLC Book Tours recommended I review the book Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides' Guide to Marrying for Life When You've Already Got a Life by Ann Jacobs, Patricia Lampi and Tish Rabe for this blog. Since I write about personal finance, finance for women, relationships, and also do book reviews, I decided to accept a review copy.

What is the book about?
The book offers advice for dating and getting married later in life and includes thoughts about combining finances with prospective partners, enjoying dating, blending families, and more.


Why do the authors call themselves Garter Belt Brides?
Because all three of them got married after the age of thirty-five and each bride wore the same lucky garter at their wedding.

My thoughts:
First off I was pleased the book was better than the fluffy gimmicky “How to find a man in 30 Days” books my old roommate used to read and leave lying all over our apartment.

This book, though, not as in depth as I would have liked did touch on important points and offer good advice.  For example: pay attention to how he treats his mother, be careful of over sharing (too soon), and introduce him to your friends at a large gathering (you can arrive and leave spontaneously). I especially agreed with the advice to read each other’s divorce agreements and to make out new wills before getting married.

I also realized since I married at thirty-five, I too was a garter bride and have to agree with what they say about grown up dating:

Grown up dating is different from dating in your twenties – in a good way! First, you’re a lot wiser about what you want in a relationship. Second, there’s only one rule: It should be fun. Both of you are looking for a new start, so give yourselves one!  (Pg.1)

In addition to advice from the authors, the book also includes anecdotes and experiences from other grown up brides.  I thought this was especially helpful in the chapters pertaining to couples with children; how to meet the kids and blend the families.

The book offered an entertaining look at dating as a grown up. I came away with the following suggestions for a successful relationship: both parties need to have an open mind, talk about their needs, be honest, willing to compromise and willing to change. Overall though I think the book makes "love for grownups" sound easier than it actually is.

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Will I be pretty?

I discovered this video of poetry slammer Katie Makkai reciting her poem “Pretty” over on Bella of One Sister's Rant's website. Watch it – I guarantee you’re definition of the word “pretty” will never be the same:

In Bella's post Who's ready to stop the insanity?, Bella encourages us to join forces and together redefine what comprises beauty. She writes:

Let us laugh, giggle, and support each other in our grief, pain, and triumphs.

Let us go back to the time when being best friends meant sharing secrets, helping one another, and splitting a stick of gum.

Let us encourage each other so that we can all come to believe we are beautiful; that we are worthy.

The only way we can stop the insanity is by coming together to say, enough.

Let us demonstrate that the sisterhood still exists and it’s on a mission; a mission to stop the insanity.

What say you, ladies?
Are you in?

I was the first one to respond I was in.  Stopping the insanity has long been one of the goals of this blog and my Making Women Count project. One of my biggest life regrets is spending too much time and mental energy in my teens and twenties trying to attain society’s ideal of “pretty.”  

For all of you, who are joining forces with Bella and me, be advised we have our work cut out for us.  My 10-year old niece is a gifted athlete, but receives many more messages from family, her peers and the media that she should work on being more “girlie” rather than on her soccer game or pitching arm.  At a recent Father-Daughter dance at her school, some of her fourth grade classmates showed up in makeup and with their hair professionally styled.  These are nine and ten year olds.

Then there is the latest addition to our family.  A baby girl born on Valentine’s Day:

Just days old and there have already been comments about her appearance.  Here is a picture of the baby's parents and brothers:

Have you spotted the baby's flaw?

You got it.

The baby's hair is not blonde.

It is not the baby's mother who is concerned about this (she knows her baby is perfect), but another family member.  A bleached blonde who gasped when I pointed out that the natural hair color of all the adult members of our family is actually brown.

I spend many family get-togethers kicking this particular family member under the table or jabbing her with my elbow while she is talking to the ten-year old.   I don't want today's girls growing up believing the message society continues to force upon girls:  we need to be "pretty."  Instead why can't we instill the message from my favorite line of Kattie Makkai's poem:

“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.” 

What can we do to stop the insanity? How can we change the conversation?
Lisa Bloom in How to talk to little girls provides an excellent example of how to talk to little girls.  Instead of telling a little girl she had met how gorgeous she was and asking her to model her pretty dress, she asked her about her favorite book.  What a novel idea; asking her about her mind. Bloom goes on to say:

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

Be cognizant of opportunities to change the conversation:
Recently ahead of me in the checkout-line at the grocery store, an eleven-year old girl and her mother were admiring the models on magazine covers. The girl was pointing at them talking about how pretty and skinny they were. I butted in on their conversation and said, "They don't really look like that you know. Those photos are photo shopped." Her mother took my cue and agreed with me.  She began telling her daughter how perfect she was and that she didn't need to wear makeup.

Are you ready to change the conversation and to stop the insanity? If so head over to Bella's blog and let her know you too are in.

Here are links from a few fellow bloggers who've committed to changing the conversation:
Virginia Sole Smith's Brave Books for Girls (not Princesses) provides a list of her favorite books from childhood featuring brave (non-princess-y) girls as the main characters and none of them never so much as mentions their weight.

Elizabeth at Yo Mama praises Ashley Judd for slapping media in the face for speculation over her 'puffy' face appearance in  Making Ashley Judd's Moment Last.

Lori at The Ole Master Plan writes about weight and her own experience with prednisone in Worth Doesn't Equal a Size 4.

If you have written a blog post or know of one that belongs on the above list, let me know I will be happy to add it. Let's work together and say enough.