Sunday, May 03, 2015

Does Your Husband Take Care of You?

My Aunt, a product of the 1950’s, suggested I look for a husband who will take care of me after I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. During this time my former boyfriend rarely held a job and was well on his way to becoming a professional student.  (This was back in the eighties before tuition became so outrageously expensive). I could see my family hoping my next boyfriend at least had a job, but to be taken care of!  That concept seemed so old-fashioned to me.

As a teen in the seventies, I dreamed of having it all (like in the Enjoli commercial I grew up with). Plus, I strongly valued my financial independence.  I had been earning my own money since my first babysitting job at twelve years old.  I wasn’t going to stop doing so now.
Also, my parents weren’t the best of role models.  I know my aunt envied my mom for being able to stay home with her children while we were growing up, but my mom had never been “taken care of.”  Instead, she had been controlled; both financially and mentally during her marriage.  She was given grocery money when needed, but other than that my dad decided how every penny was spent.  If my mom wanted something he didn’t approve of she had to take money from her grocery fund or do without. She longed for a job and money of her own.  I wanted a better life for myself.

As to my aunt, she was the first woman I knew who worked outside the home.  Her husband had a good state job, but she liked the finer things in life.  To pay for these extras she had to work. Today at seventy-five she still works part-time while her husband retired from his state job years ago.
 
Fast forward five years.  I had recently married my husband and we were both attending a party with my extended family.  Another aunt noticed my new car and began gushing over it and my new husband’s ability to take care of me.  How fortunate I was to have made such a good catch.  I was furious.  I had spent the past five years working full-time while going to school.  I had just passed the CPA exam, secured a new job with a bigger salary and bought that new car.  The down payment had come from my savings and the loan was in my name, not my husbands. I was disappointed that of all my accomplishments and hard work, the only recognition I received was for supposedly marrying well.

As for this aunt, her third husband has leukemia and is too sick to work.  I recently saw a photo of her on Facebook selling her hand-made items in a booth at a craft fair.  She too is in her seventies.
 
Fast forward another fifteen years.  I am attending a holiday celebration with my husband’s family.
His 28-year old niece models her new winter coat; a gift from her new husband.  She says, “He knows how to take care of me.” Again I am surprised by this old-fashioned phrase and that it is coming from someone twenty years younger than me.  Plus, this young woman has a college degree and a better job than her new husband.

During my almost seventeen years of marriage, there have been years when my husband made more than me and others when I made more than him.  I’ve never once considered myself “taken care of” and I don’t think that is something he ever aspired to do.  I do feel he supports me emotionally and is an incredible help with the household chores. I do feel controlled though, but not by my husband. Instead, I'm controlled by my job, the stress that comes with it and the incredible work load. 
 
I wonder currently if the phrase, “he’ll take care of you” isn’t just wishful thinking.  Today with the high cost of tuition, housing and medical care it has become almost a necessity for both spouses to work at least a portion of their marriage outside the home. I look at my husband’s young niece and can’t help but think wouldn’t it be nice if she didn’t have to work as hard as I do and that she is able to enjoy more of life.  Perhaps that is what both my aunts were thinking when they made those comments to me.  As to my husband’s niece, perhaps she was saying her husband may make less than her but, he still knows what her needs are or how to take care of her.

Does your husband take care of you? 

This post was inspired by Spinster: Making a Life of One's Ownby Kate Bolick, who explores singledom with famous women who fashioned life on their own terms. Join From Left to Write on May 5th as we discuss Spinster. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

16 comments:

  1. Oh my this one is such food for thought. I have always looked at my marriage as a partnership of support. When one needs it the other gives it. It has worked well for us, and I think has rubbed off on out daughters. Who are not afraid to work, and know that if they want something they have to work for it. Maybe as you said your Aunts wanted your spouse to take care of you in the Stress department!!!! Hopefully :)

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    1. For me emotional support is so important. I think because money caused so much stress for my aunts they wanted my life to be easier. Plus, they really did grow up in the husband takes care of the wife era.

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  2. In the traditional sense? No, this is never going to be a breadwinner husband/stayhome wife marriage. I suspect your last sentence is probably spot on about your husband's niece's meaning.

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    1. I thought of you while writing this post. As I side note, I supported my old boyfriend for years. We had other issues in addition to lack of money when we broke up, but his unwillingness to work didn't help. I was probably better off being single than with him, but it took me a long time to realize this. One of my former managers suggested he was holding me back. Not a great recommendation. Like Bolick in the book I was better able to discover who I was as a single. I still that way. When you are coupled there is always compromise. Sometimes just with how you spend your time and who you spend it with, but I enjoy the companionship. I continue to wish you well.

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  3. I feel like marrying someone to "have them take care of me" is also wildly old-fashioned. If everything works out, I'd like to enjoy my financial independence! :P I definitely would've been furious too. My mom actually says that to me sometimes, but she means it more in the sense that he better treat me well (which I agree with). I'd go with your last sentence as the way to interpret it too! :]

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    1. Agree - so surprised my niece who is very trendy made that statement. And yes your mom is right - your husband better treat you well.

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  4. I was raised to be financially independent but my parents wanted me to marry someone who had a good job to take care of me and my kids. At first, I made more than my husband but he's since caught up and now supports our family financially. I am glad to not have the stress of my job and I enjoy spending more time with my boys. I have been on both sides which is great. I love being able to have the flexibility to make my own decisions about my work status. I didn't think I had a choice given my expensive chronic illness but turns out, I do have a choice and loving it.

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  5. Savvy, have thought about this off and on all day, and still don't know what to respond. I am fiercely independent and never wanted a man to "take care of me", but the companionship and shared life that comes with marriage can be very supportive in ways other than financial. I feel very lucky to have had that.

    It's interesting, tho, the stages we have traveled together. Early in our marriage we worked at home together, traveled together and were business partners. In some ways it was the best time of our life together. Later we both "went back to work" outside the home, and in many ways drifted apart some - you know the job takes a toll on everyone. for the past 8 years he has been retired, while i have worked at home and in many ways i have chaffed the most. While he provides a huge amount of support around the house (shopping, dishes, a bit of cooking, laundry) it has been very difficult to keep him out of my job, and i am often frustrated. I look forward to retirement - next month - and hope that we can return to the more even keel of those early years. The financial thing just hasn't been as big a deal, as the emotional thing.

    Excellent post and good question. hope all is well with you.

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  6. Yes, PiC takes care of me. And I take care of him. We are partners, 100%, and we support each other. But in the old fashioned sense? Of course not. That's my province. Money is my jam and I make sure we are financially set every day that we work and I manage the accounts.

    Even when I wasn't working outside the home during leave or was making less, I was on top of the money situation. And that's very nearly as valuable as earning the income.

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  7. I believe every woman needs to be in control of her financial independence. My husband would love to be able to buy me lots of nice things but it's not in our budget. Besides, i'll just buy it myself!

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  8. I'm divorced. I grew up in that era where a husband was supposed to take care of you. It's what I saw on tv shows like Bewitched and Donna Reed Show. But then I discovered Mary Tyler Moore Show and my outlook changed. The realization that I could take care of myself. And of course, nothing forces you to do so like divorce. I'm happier for it.

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  9. Hi Savvy. Another fantastic post.

    I was raised to be fiercely independent - to not rely on anyone for anything. I am glad for it. During times that II was not working I felt trapped and controlled. I needed to make my own money and that brought me freedom, a boost in self esteem and confidence.

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  10. What great food for thought! I am an independent person and don't like the idea of being taken care of... Yet, I've never thought it was a bad thing when a woman bragged about her husband taking care of her.

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  11. Awesome question. I think independence is a huge thing. My mom was the one who was working while my dad went through grad school. I never thought of being taken care of and I definitely didn't see that around me when I was growing up. Thanks for the thought provoking post!

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  12. My first thought is - of course my husband takes care of me! I wouldn't have married him if he didn't. I make more than he does so he doesn't take care of my financially, although more of his money goes to supporting the vision of the future that we have...so perhaps he does. I think, though, more than that, I have a skewed relationship with money, and he is the one who is working to make sure that our money is doing what it needs to do.

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  13. Oh man oh man....what a can of worms with this one! No way, no how, not at all, never does my husband ever "take care of me," not even when I am sick, not even when I am recovering from having a baby, never. In his defense, he didn't have the opportunity when he was deployed. In my defense, I am a very independent person who, like you, works for what I have. I built this life alongside him, but on my own. The house, the yard, the date nights, the family....that's all me. I built this. Now that I am "dependent" on his income, I find myself scrambling for new sources of money so I can retain that independence. I am not comfortable placing any amount in trust in another person to keep my head above water, regardless of marriage or not. It's just not smart these days.

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