Should Mom Pay for Daughter’s Blue Hair?

 Kim asks:

While home from college over winter break, my 20-year old daughter asked for $300 to get her hair highlighted blue.  My husband refused to pay for such a ridiculous expense. She then stormed out of the house spending most of her remaining break with friends.  We’ve paid for her hair styling in the past, but she usually didn’t spend more than $75.   

My husband and daughter have a history of conflict beginning two years ago when he took away her phone and car until she broke up with her boyfriend - who we both thought was a loser.  She broke up with him a month later right before she left for college. The relationship between my daughter and husband hasn’t been the same since. We pay her tuition and give her $400 a month spending money.  She uses this money to pay her rent which is $300 and to buy food.  She also has a credit card.  I’ve been paying her credit card bill each month which has been as high as $600 and am starting to resent it.  My husband thinks I’m spoiling her and that she needs to pay her card with her own money. I would like her to save her money for graduate school.

We also don’t like her new boyfriend, but I won’t let my husband force another break up.  She was so cold towards him the last time. I want my daughter to be successful and happy what should I do?

Should Kim pay for her daughter’s blue highlights?
I asked my own stylist if blue highlights were popular at her salon.  They are not, her salon doesn’t even stock blue dye. Blue highlights are expensive because it requires a two-step process that involves stripping the natural color from your hair then adding the blue color. She doesn’t recommend blue because it requires a lot of maintenance to keep blue looking good. Blue doesn’t hold up well on hair and may fade to an ugly green after only a few weeks.  She also thinks at twenty Kim’s daughter is an adult and needs to have adult hair – which is not blue.  If she wants to have a little fun with color, she recommends purchasing blue hair extensions instead.  The one below can be purchased here for $9.99.

What is really happening here?
You are both treating your daughter like a child and she is acting like one. Do you really think your husband forced you daughter to break up with her boyfriend?  I don’t.  I think she broke up with him because she wanted to.  If she didn’t want to break up with him she would have told you they broke up just to get her stuff back then continued to see him behind your back.   Check out this post where I answered a question on how to get your daughter to break up with a loser. (Short answer - you can’t.) I also think your daughter knows her frivolous spending irritates her dad which is why she asks for things like blue hair.

You and your husband need to stop playing good cop/bad cop in regards to money. It isn’t good for your relationship with your husband or your relationship with your daughter. I suggest the three of you sit down and go over your daughter’s fixed expenses.  I’m sure $400 is not enough to cover rent, food, utilities, gas and other miscellaneous school expenses. You and your husband need to agree on an amount you are both willing to give your daughter each month then you Kim can’t give her more after the fact. Be very clear how much you are giving her then let her know she will be responsible for the rest.  Instead of saying I’ll pay $75 for this, but I won’t pay for that, just give her $500 and let her manage her own money. I would be very surprised if her credit card spending does not go down once she has to dip into her own savings.

Do you require your children pay a portion of their expenses while in college? How did you determine how much to give them? Did you ever try to manipulate their decisions with money or stuff?

Note I am an Amazon affiliate.

 

My husband forbids me from going gray

Ever since I wrote a blog post about Anne Kreamer’s book Going Gray: What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters, search terms relating to gray hair began appearing in my blog stats. Recently the following showed up in my keyword history:

My husband forbids me from going gray

I wanted to help this person and others like her formulate a response. Who better than Anne Kreamer herself to answer this query? I sent Anne an email asking how to respond.  Here is her reply:   

There's no question the decision to dye or not dye is timeless and universal. As to your husband, what does he say? Why does he forbid you? Because he thinks you'll look old? He'll look old? You have bad hair? I'd want to know with real detail what his issue is. Then I guess I'd ask him what is it that he fears will happen if you have your natural hair color. Will you not have sex? Is he worried about what others will think?

I'm not sure how long you guys have been together nor how old you are, but ask him does he want you to love him if he goes bald? Would he wear a toupee or dye his hair?

Good luck!

Thank you Anne - I was hoping your response would come from a position of strength.  I was not disappointed.  

Has your spouse or partner ever forbidden you from changing some aspect of your appearance? Or have they demanded you change an aspect of your appearance?  How did you respond?

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Good Posture Helps Older Employee Get Hired

I know of a company that recently hired a new manager. This manager  had lost his job after the company he worked for in another state went out of business. He came highly recommended and interviewed extremely well. In addition to being offered a position, he was given a signing bonus and reimbursement for his moving expenses.

Shortly after the employee filled out his new-hire paperwork, the company’s hiring manager told me she had misjudged him. What was the problem - HE WAS 66 YEARS OLD. She had not seen this one coming, during the interview process she had pegged him to be in his mid-50’s. She was sure he took this job only to have her company pay for his moving expenses, so he could retire near his family.*     

This story has two significant points:

Despite anti-discrimination laws hiring managers do “profile” and discriminate when making hiring decisions:
In my post How to Get a Promotion, I wrote the over-40 crowd is hugely discriminated against. Companies want to hire employees who are on the up-swing on the bell curve of their careers rather than on the down-swing. This hiring manager’s comment reveals she clearly profiles her job candidates. I wonder if she had known the real age of this candidate prior to making her offer if she would have considered him for the position. 

Appearance does matter:
I had the pleasure of meeting this employee and I too thought he looked much younger than his true age. He must color his hair. I took a second look, the man was almost entirely bald and the little hair he did have was mostly gray. Then I realized what it was; he was incredibly fit and had a dynamic presence. His posture was perfect. His erect stance took ten years off his appearance.

The Importance of Good Posture:
In Primer magazine’s article The Secret to Having a Commanding Presence Antwan McLean writes:

Whether you’re selling insurance, asking for a discount, or convincing her she wants to give you her number, you must present a confident, convincing posture. 

Keep your feet shoulder width apart in a grounded stance, hold your shoulders back, and keep your back straight. This presents a confidence that leads people to trust you, subconsciously admire you, and begin to agree with whatever it is you have to say. Take notice of how you stand in your next presentation or conversation. Practice the skill of straight posture until it becomes a natural part of your presence.

How can we improve our posture?
In the book Sitting Kills, Moving Heals: How Everyday Movement Will Prevent Pain, Illness, and Early Death - and Exercise Alone Won't author Joan Vernikos recommends:

Begin by placing a small bean bag on your head; next, place a small book on our head while sitting in a straight-backed chair. Working at your computer is a good start. If you slouch or raise your shoulders, the book will fall off. Once you’ve mastered balancing the book while sitting still, carry it on your head as you walk around. You will get better at this with perseverance. You may increase the size and weight of the book, making it a spine-strengthening habit as well. (pg. 66)

* Supposedly this assumption is not true. When confronted about his age this employee stated he planned on working several more years.

Do you know someone who has a dynamic presence? What attributes do you think contribute to their presence? Do you have any techniques for improving posture or for creating a more dynamic presence?

 

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Lesson of the Day

Today I learned I should never use a small round brush with stiff plastic bristles on my superfine hair. That is not unless I want my husband to spend the next hour and a half picking my hair out of the brush with a pencil.*

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I have a fabulous husband who continues to amaze me. (While sitting still as he tried not to pull my hair, I couldn't help think if it were me I would suggest cutting the brush out with a scissors).

*My first change of the year - a new hairstyle is not going well.

Is a book about Marie Antoinette’s fashion choices really a book every woman should read?

I recently read both Antonia Fraser's Marie Antoinette: The Journey and Caroline Weber’s Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution for the Women Unbound Challenge.

Motivation for reading:
I’ve always been intrigued with all things French, had a vague recollection of Marie Antoinette from my French classes (she was the Queen guillotined for saying “Let them eat cake” right) and was curious to learn more about the French Revolution, so when I saw Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution listed as one of the non-fiction books every woman should read I decided to give it a try. Prior to reading, I read a review recommending readers begin with a more thorough biography such as Antonia Fraser's Marie Antoinette: The Journey because Queen of Fashion is not a definitive biography. Despite fears that reading two books on Marie Antoinette might be a bit much, I decided to tackle them both and was ultimately glad I did.

Marie Antoinette: The Journey is a comprehensive biography of Marie Antoinette’s life from birth ‘til death whereas Queen of Fashion chronicles her life through her fashion choices upon her arrival in France ‘til her death. By becoming familiar with her upbringing in Austria, the intricate details of her life at court and those who surrounded her, along with learning the politics of the time I came away with a better understanding of who she really was and what caused her downfall; she was more a naïve victim of circumstance (a scapegoat) than the spendthrift, heartless queen she was accused of being.

It was interesting to note:
~ The Austrian court was much more informal than the French court and allowed young Marie Antonia to basically do whatever she pleased; she learned to play the harpsichord, dance ballet and enjoy games. She had an idyllic childhood with little formal education. When she was tagged to be the next queen of France it was discovered she could barely read or write. This lax of formal training did not adequately prepare her to be the Queen of France; she arrived politically ignorant and inept.

~ Marie Antoinette never really uttered the phrase “Let them eat cake!”

~France was governed by Salic law which banned widowed royal wives from succeeding their spouses on the throne. At the time of her arrival three things were important at Versailles – the King, his mistress and his court. A Queen was nothing.

While reading Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution, I couldn’t help but think is a book about Marie Antoinette’s fashion choices really an important read, if so why?

In making my decision I considered the following:

What she was trying to achieve?
She was attempting to make a statement and strengthen her position in a hostile court where as a foreigner and a woman she had no power. Not to mention the fact her husband, the future King of France Louis XVI refused to sleep with her for the first seven years of their marriage. The book describes how almost immediately upon arriving at Versailles M.A. began bucking the rigid court code of dress. She refused to wear the corset, introduced the English-style riding coat and wore trousers while riding. She dressed and played like a commoner at the Petit Trianon. It was only after the fall of the Bastille that she began dressing like a royal.

How radical her clothing choices really were:
If early American feminists were taunted and ridiculed for wearing bloomers in the19th century, can you imagine how shocking it must have been for the future queen of France to wear men’s riding clothes and to ride astride?

What was or wasn’t she thinking?
Her hairstyle of choice the pouf, a thickly powdered, teetering hairstyle that re-created elaborate scenes from current events, was coated with animal fat and a powder mixed from flour. Was she not aware France was undergoing a flour shortage? Her headdresses, when seen by the population on fashion engravings and newspapers, led to the flour wars after her subjects concluded the Queen was taking flour and bread from starving people’s mouths to use for her own adornment.

Also think of the inconveniences-
Carriage interiors were not high enough to accommodate the monstrous three feet high constructions, so women had to travel crunched over crumpling their full skirted silk gowns because their hair would not travel upright.

Not to mention the vermin-
Since the hairstyle was costly, women would keep them for a week or two. The animal fat and flour would become rancid and attract vermin.

By not dressing like a queen she gave her enemies fodder to conspire against her?
At the Petit Trianon - the private country retreat she received as a gift from her husband shortly after their accession - she adopted unstructured chemise dresses that facilitated distinctly nonroyal shenanigans such as picnics on the grass, blind man’s bluff, and frolics among pretty, perfumed flocks of sheep. Conservative courtiers protested that the dresses made their noble wearers indistinguishable from serving wenches. Furthermore, by allowing only a small close knit group of friends including a couple foreigners access to her private palace she alienated important members of the Court. Exaggerated, scandalous images of her life at the Petit Trainon became regular features in underground pamphlets and caricatures.

She maintained an aura of grace and self-possession right up to the end:
Reading the final chapters of her life was heartbreaking; the death of her first son, the murder of her friend Princess de Lamballe, the execution of her husband, her imprisonment, brainwashing her second son to testify against her, her trial whose outcome was decided before it began and finally her own death at the guillotine. Even at the end she controlled her image by wearing a radiant white ensemble.

Who is the Marie Antoinette of our time?
Queen of Fashion’s author Caroline Weber answers this question in an interview on Big Think:

We don’t have anybody like that nowadays because, again, the political context is very different. But I think that we could look at a figure like for instance, Madonna. Somebody who succeeds in capturing the world’s attention time, and time again by refashioning her body, by changing her hair styles, by changing her appearance, by changing her identity through clothes. This is how she sells records and we all know that Madonna has relatively little talent. I think it was the shoemaker, Manolo Blanic, said that he was shocked that somebody with as little of the singing voice as she has good sound harsh and enormous star, and stay such an enormous star. And I think that's a testament to her genius as a chameleon. And this is been talked about by a million people before me, but I link her to Marie Antoinette because Marie Antoinette similarly was able to manipulate the public and stay in the public eye by changing her costume and this really flamboyant way, and doing it constantly.

Which brings me back to my original question: Is a book about Marie Antoinette’s fashion choices really a book every woman should read, if so why?
The book did cause me to think about my own appearance, the clothing choices I make and about such things as:
How much power can you really wield through your appearance? I know it is important to consider the image you want to portray. We’ve all heard the advice: Look the part. Dress for the job you want to have, but in the long run if all you have is your appearance is it enough? Many of the best & brightest women I have worked with don’t care at all about their appearance. Does it hurt them in the long run?

Would I want my daughter (if I had one) to read this book and then emulate Marie Antoinette? Would I want her to emulate Madanna?

Or consider this passage from Sharon Lamb's Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes?

Image protects high school students by giving them a sense of belonging, but it also gave them a premature identity while they are insecure or struggling to forge something unique and personal. While this may be okay for someone who can move beyond image during or after the teen years, others become trapped and stuck in this superficial world. For those who can preserve a self apart from image, the divisions and unhappiness that come with focusing too much on image in the teen years creates too much stress and too much of a diversion from what they could be doing and creating for themselves.

What do you think? Is a book about Marie Antoinette’s fashion choices really a book every woman should read, if so why?