Do I Have to Give Presentations?

I received the following email this week from a reader:

I'm writing to get some advice from you and your readers on a small issue I'm having at work. I work at a large university in the enrollment division. I am a content writer, in charge of content marketing for the departments in my division. I update websites, write press releases, create newsy blog posts, write emails to prospective students, and write and review hard copy publications like brochures. I do not actively recruit students for the university. I am behind the scenes. This type of work pretty much exactly suits my personality. I'm an introvert. Shy in some situations, but not all. I like to write. I do not like leading meetings, but will if I have to, and I do a good job of seeming personable. My problem is that some of the people in my department are on call to give presentations to visiting prospective students from time to time (when there are no admission counselors available to give them). My boss has hinted twice (but not outright asked or told me) that she'd like me to give a presentation once in a while. Which terrifies me because I am not a confident public speaker. Especially when I'm essentially pitching the university (like a sales pitch). Should I ask her if she'd like me to start giving presentations and, if so, voice my concerns to her? Or should I continue to do my job per my job description and hope she stops hinting?
Dear Reader:

I too am an introvert. Growing up I was also painfully shy. So much so, that when I ran into an old classmate from high school he said the thing he remembered most about me was how shy I had been. During my entire 12 years of undergraduate education and most likely my entire college education too, I never once spoke voluntarily in a class setting. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to overcome this shyness and reluctance to speak in public. Now I routinely share my ideas in meetings and ask questions during seminars and presentations, but I still am and always will be an introvert. Please see my post Why Can't I Think on My Feet? Also, if you haven’t read Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking read it now.

 

How did I overcome my reluctance to speak in public?

I became active in my professional organization. For three years, I introduced the speakers at our monthly meetings. The first few times, I dreaded those introductions and had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach just like I did during my former public speaking classes in high school and college. Then I realized that by practicing – for me five times was key – I felt prepared enough to make it through the introductions without embarrassing myself. Slowly I started asking questions during the presentations and during our meetings. The more successes I had the more confident I became.

Your boss is a weakling:
I actually think your boss is at fault for not being more frank. Hinting or guilting an employee into doing something they could be afraid to do is not a healthy management strategy. Meeting with prospective students should have been part of your job description. Since it was not, she should have formally discussed this with you. Since she did not…

What should you do?
I think you should bring this up with your boss sooner rather than later. Another thing I’ve learned over the years is to not spend a lot of time worrying about things my boss may want me to do. I now come right out and ask him – “do you want me to do X?” You could wait until you have a formal performance review or bring it up during a discussion about your work load or your job duties, but I wouldn’t wait too long or lose too much sleep over this one.

If your boss insists this is something she would like you to do, I would provide your reservations and tell her you don’t think quick on your feet. Ask to practice first. See if you can observe the admissions department give a tour, have them observe you during a presentation and interject if you struggle. At the very least she should be providing you with a sample script you could read through ahead of time. She can’t just spring this on you and expect you to do a good job and not be flustered.

It is also possible once she hears your reservations she may say you don’t have to do give these presentations. There have been board members in my organization who never give a speech at a major event. They are not comfortable speaking in public and since we want to give a good impression we have a more seasoned speaker fill in for them. There is also a manager at my company who had a panic attack a few days before a presentation that resulted in a visit to the emergency room. His presentation ended up going very well and he and our company received industry recognition for it. Afterwards when our President heard about the emergency room incident he said despite the good results he would never “insist” my co-worker give a presentation again.

Readers – what do you think? Should our reader talk to her boss or continue to hope she stops hinting?

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Stop Talking About Sex at Work

Recently I received the following comment on my post: My Co-Worker Won't Stop Talking About Sex:


I'm having an issue at the moment. I work in a very small workplace with only women where I am the manager. Our oldest employee (29) has been describing her sex life in GRAPHIC detail to my youngest employee (15). I have NO idea how to handle this. I've already rang my area manager and he's getting onto HR about it. Anonymous




Dear Anonymous,

You are the manager. Pull this employee aside immediately and tell her she needs to stop talking about her sex life at work, her conversations are inappropriate and unprofessional and that HR has been contacted. HR will most likely perform an investigation and will at the very least place a note in her file and send her to harassment training. They also may give her a written warning. HR departments do not mess around with sexual harassment complaints.

A few weeks ago I had a question from a different anonymous commenter describing sadistic sexual activities a co-worker wanted to perform with her. (Her comment was too graphic to post). Her question for me was if she reported this harassment to HR, would they think she was a co-conspirator if she had initially played along.

My answer:

No. No. No. They will not. It sounds to me like you initially didn’t want to be mean, but your co-worker has now become bolder, you want him to stop and are afraid to tell him so yourself. Plus, the things he is saying (putting you in a cage, etc.) are scary and need to be taken seriously.  

While reading her question about playing along I couldn’t help but be reminded of the new male manager my company hired. In a casual conversation about getting his company vehicle repaired he asked me if I’d come along and sit on his lap. I don’t remember exactly what how I responded, I think I made up an excuse why I couldn’t. I didn’t play along, but I didn’t tell him he was out of line either. Unfortunately, these type of comments continued. I’m not sure what his motives are other than a boast to his ego, but I am offended. It bothers me that he thinks of me as a female, rather than the professional I worked so hard to be. No wonder women feel the need to dress in drab colors and not draw attention to their femininity. I now don’t acknowledge his flirtatious comments and stick to business when talking to him. As I write this post, I can’t remember the last time he made a suggestive comment.

As a follow up to my previous post, the co-worker I talked about has not talked about sex since I told him he was being inappropriate. As to the female who shared her favorite sexual positions with her co-worker was finally promoted – twenty years after the incident and with reservations from HR. 

Talking about sex at work is a major career blunder – knock it off.

Requesting “Doggie Bag” at a Business Lunch

Amy writes:

When I graduated from college my mentor gave me a list of business rules* to follow.  One of her recommendations was to never take anything home from a business lunch in a doggie bag because it makes you look cheap.  Recently at an interview lunch, I was nervous and unable to eat more than a few bites of my entrée.  While I would have appreciated the leftovers, when the waitress asked if I needed a take-out box I said no.  My interviewer appeared annoyed and asked why I wasn’t taking my leftovers home.  I blurted out I was told you should never request a doggie bag at a business lunch.  He said that was ridiculous and I walked out with a doggie bag.  Was I wrong?

Dear Amy,

In this instance I think you were not wrong to refuse the doggie bag, you were wrong to not attempt to eat more.  When you didn’t accept the take-out box the interviewer must have thought you were being wasteful. I once attended a business lunch where a guest ate only a few bites of her salmon entrée.  She too refused the take-out bag.  I didn’t say anything, but surmised she had not liked the food.   

In choosing what to order at a business lunch, I always select the easiest item to eat in the mid-priced category.  Usually for a lunch this is a sandwich.  I then focus on eating the main entrée leaving the sides especially fries or chips for last.  If I can’t finish all my food, it still looks like I’ve eaten the majority of my plate.  I also sometimes stop eating if everyone else has long since finished.

On a side note, the person requesting the lunch should always pay the bill.  I’ve had a couple of business meetings at coffee shops where the party requesting the meeting was late.   I usually give them a few minutes, then go ahead and buy my own coffee.  This too is probably a mistake, but it just feels weird to me to sit there with nothing and wait.

Do you request a doggie bag at a business lunch?  What about coffee shops, if you are the first to arrive do you buy your own coffee?

*Other items on her list were to never hang your sweater over your chair, never let them so you cry and to always go alone to networking events – you are forced to meet other people.

Should Mom Pay for Daughter’s Blue Hair?

 Kim asks:

While home from college over winter break, my 20-year old daughter asked for $300 to get her hair highlighted blue.  My husband refused to pay for such a ridiculous expense. She then stormed out of the house spending most of her remaining break with friends.  We’ve paid for her hair styling in the past, but she usually didn’t spend more than $75.   

My husband and daughter have a history of conflict beginning two years ago when he took away her phone and car until she broke up with her boyfriend - who we both thought was a loser.  She broke up with him a month later right before she left for college. The relationship between my daughter and husband hasn’t been the same since. We pay her tuition and give her $400 a month spending money.  She uses this money to pay her rent which is $300 and to buy food.  She also has a credit card.  I’ve been paying her credit card bill each month which has been as high as $600 and am starting to resent it.  My husband thinks I’m spoiling her and that she needs to pay her card with her own money. I would like her to save her money for graduate school.

We also don’t like her new boyfriend, but I won’t let my husband force another break up.  She was so cold towards him the last time. I want my daughter to be successful and happy what should I do?

Should Kim pay for her daughter’s blue highlights?
I asked my own stylist if blue highlights were popular at her salon.  They are not, her salon doesn’t even stock blue dye. Blue highlights are expensive because it requires a two-step process that involves stripping the natural color from your hair then adding the blue color. She doesn’t recommend blue because it requires a lot of maintenance to keep blue looking good. Blue doesn’t hold up well on hair and may fade to an ugly green after only a few weeks.  She also thinks at twenty Kim’s daughter is an adult and needs to have adult hair – which is not blue.  If she wants to have a little fun with color, she recommends purchasing blue hair extensions instead.  The one below can be purchased here for $9.99.

What is really happening here?
You are both treating your daughter like a child and she is acting like one. Do you really think your husband forced you daughter to break up with her boyfriend?  I don’t.  I think she broke up with him because she wanted to.  If she didn’t want to break up with him she would have told you they broke up just to get her stuff back then continued to see him behind your back.   Check out this post where I answered a question on how to get your daughter to break up with a loser. (Short answer - you can’t.) I also think your daughter knows her frivolous spending irritates her dad which is why she asks for things like blue hair.

You and your husband need to stop playing good cop/bad cop in regards to money. It isn’t good for your relationship with your husband or your relationship with your daughter. I suggest the three of you sit down and go over your daughter’s fixed expenses.  I’m sure $400 is not enough to cover rent, food, utilities, gas and other miscellaneous school expenses. You and your husband need to agree on an amount you are both willing to give your daughter each month then you Kim can’t give her more after the fact. Be very clear how much you are giving her then let her know she will be responsible for the rest.  Instead of saying I’ll pay $75 for this, but I won’t pay for that, just give her $500 and let her manage her own money. I would be very surprised if her credit card spending does not go down once she has to dip into her own savings.

Do you require your children pay a portion of their expenses while in college? How did you determine how much to give them? Did you ever try to manipulate their decisions with money or stuff?

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