Should Mom Pay for Daughter’s Blue Hair?

 Kim asks:

While home from college over winter break, my 20-year old daughter asked for $300 to get her hair highlighted blue.  My husband refused to pay for such a ridiculous expense. She then stormed out of the house spending most of her remaining break with friends.  We’ve paid for her hair styling in the past, but she usually didn’t spend more than $75.   

My husband and daughter have a history of conflict beginning two years ago when he took away her phone and car until she broke up with her boyfriend - who we both thought was a loser.  She broke up with him a month later right before she left for college. The relationship between my daughter and husband hasn’t been the same since. We pay her tuition and give her $400 a month spending money.  She uses this money to pay her rent which is $300 and to buy food.  She also has a credit card.  I’ve been paying her credit card bill each month which has been as high as $600 and am starting to resent it.  My husband thinks I’m spoiling her and that she needs to pay her card with her own money. I would like her to save her money for graduate school.

We also don’t like her new boyfriend, but I won’t let my husband force another break up.  She was so cold towards him the last time. I want my daughter to be successful and happy what should I do?

Should Kim pay for her daughter’s blue highlights?
I asked my own stylist if blue highlights were popular at her salon.  They are not, her salon doesn’t even stock blue dye. Blue highlights are expensive because it requires a two-step process that involves stripping the natural color from your hair then adding the blue color. She doesn’t recommend blue because it requires a lot of maintenance to keep blue looking good. Blue doesn’t hold up well on hair and may fade to an ugly green after only a few weeks.  She also thinks at twenty Kim’s daughter is an adult and needs to have adult hair – which is not blue.  If she wants to have a little fun with color, she recommends purchasing blue hair extensions instead.  The one below can be purchased here for $9.99.

What is really happening here?
You are both treating your daughter like a child and she is acting like one. Do you really think your husband forced you daughter to break up with her boyfriend?  I don’t.  I think she broke up with him because she wanted to.  If she didn’t want to break up with him she would have told you they broke up just to get her stuff back then continued to see him behind your back.   Check out this post where I answered a question on how to get your daughter to break up with a loser. (Short answer - you can’t.) I also think your daughter knows her frivolous spending irritates her dad which is why she asks for things like blue hair.

You and your husband need to stop playing good cop/bad cop in regards to money. It isn’t good for your relationship with your husband or your relationship with your daughter. I suggest the three of you sit down and go over your daughter’s fixed expenses.  I’m sure $400 is not enough to cover rent, food, utilities, gas and other miscellaneous school expenses. You and your husband need to agree on an amount you are both willing to give your daughter each month then you Kim can’t give her more after the fact. Be very clear how much you are giving her then let her know she will be responsible for the rest.  Instead of saying I’ll pay $75 for this, but I won’t pay for that, just give her $500 and let her manage her own money. I would be very surprised if her credit card spending does not go down once she has to dip into her own savings.

Do you require your children pay a portion of their expenses while in college? How did you determine how much to give them? Did you ever try to manipulate their decisions with money or stuff?

Note I am an Amazon affiliate.

 

What To Do When Your Daughter is Dating a Loser

My friend Jess’s nineteen year-old daughter has been dating this boy for two years. Jess and her husband have never been fond of this boy who they describe as lazy and a loser. They were hoping their smart, beautiful daughter would find a new boyfriend when she was away at college last year, but that didn’t happen. She is now home for the summer and spends all her free time with her boyfriend. This is causing problems at home. When Jess would not allow her daughter to attend an out-of-state family reunion with her boyfriend after their own family vacation was cancelled Jess’s daughter spent the entire weekend sulking in her room. Jess and her husband plan on sitting their daughter down and demanding she break-up with him. They plan on telling her she is too good for him, she’s wasting her time and he’s a loser. Her question for me was when should this conversation take place. Now, before the 4^th of July holiday or to wait until right before her daughter returns to school. Her concern is if she has this conversation now it will ruin her family’s summer because her daughter will be impossible to live with, but if she waits she will have to continue watching her daughter be smitten with this boy for the rest of the summer.

My recommendation:

Don’t have this conversation at all. Your daughter is not going to listen to you. You mentioned your daughter’s high school friends held an intervention with her. They told your daughter they didn’t like her boyfriend and suggested she break-up with him. What did your daughter do? She stopped being friends with these girls. She is going to do the same thing with you. She will stop confiding in you and start sneaking around behind your back. She is nineteen, an adult. She could even do something crazy like move out, quit school or get married. She has a promise ring.

I think you should invite your daughter’s boyfriend into your home from time to time. Try to understand what your daughter sees in him. You didn’t mention if he was abusive in any way or controlling. Just that she is too young, this is the first boy she’s dated and that she spends too much time with him. I would play that angle. Encourage her to make new girl friends especially at school, to try everything, even things her boyfriend doesn’t like to do. One of my biggest regrets is not discovering who I was and trying new things when I was younger. She needs to tire or grow out of her boyfriend on her own.

Our other friend suggested Jess make sure her daughter does not get pregnant. Jess said her daughter is on the pill, for cramps though. She is sure her daughter is not having sex.

I came home and told my husband about Jess’s dilemma. Once again he disagrees with me. If this were his daughter, he would sit her down and tell her she is too young to date just one boy. End of story.

Have you ever not approved of someone your child was dating? What did you do? Or from the other angle - Did your parents ever disapprove of someone you were dating? Did they talk to you about it? What did you do?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Know Your Limits and Learn to Say No
Drinking Buddies are Not Real Friends
Will I Be Pretty



 

Take Hostile Breakup Threats Seriously

I received the following comment on my post Is working for your boyfriend a good idea?

My daughter is now involved in a very hostile breakup with her long time fiancé (7 years) whom she worked for. He is denying her right to claim unemployment benefits and things have become threatening (I am going to ruin your life) going to the length of saying she used company points to fly off to see other people. When actually all was agreed that instead of using cash she could use points etc...Really a very terrible and scary situation as he is extremely hurt and revengeful. So no do not ever work with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Starting a business together once married is way different. Hard to know what to do because he is powerful and has money.

Your daughter’s story is an excellent cautionary tale of why someone shouldn’t work for their boyfriend, but her situation has turned serious and needs to be treated as such.  Has your daughter’s ex-boyfriend threatened to harm her? If he has she needs to alert legal authorities immediately. Also, I suggest she contact the domestic violence shelter in her area. To find the nearest shelter please see: WomensLaw.org.

According to the WomensLaw.Org website, shelters provide many services other than shelter. Most have support groups, crisis counseling, and safety planning assistance. Many also provide legal support (and sometimes representation), help getting back on your feet with government benefits like food stamps and housing, job training referrals, child care, and more.

Your daughter should ask for assistance in working through her denied unemployment compensation claim and for help getting reestablished in the job market.

If the organization nearest you isn't helpful, try calling another one. If you do not find what you need in your community, you may also call these national organizations:

- National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224

- National Sexual Assault Hotline -- (800) 656-HOPE

- Stalking Resource Center -- 1-800-FYI-CALL, M-F 8:30 AM - 8:30 PM EST, or email gethelp@ncvc.org

There have been far too many stories in the news lately of women being harmed by an angry ex. In this case, your daughter’s boyfriend no longer has control and power over her and is fighting to keep it. She needs to seek assistance from others in her community to help keep her safe and strong as she recaptures control over her life.

Do any of you know of additional resources or have advice to help this woman?

Love for Grown-Ups

Motivation for reading:
TLC Book Tours recommended I review the book Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides' Guide to Marrying for Life When You've Already Got a Life by Ann Jacobs, Patricia Lampi and Tish Rabe for this blog. Since I write about personal finance, finance for women, relationships, and also do book reviews, I decided to accept a review copy.

What is the book about?
The book offers advice for dating and getting married later in life and includes thoughts about combining finances with prospective partners, enjoying dating, blending families, and more.


Why do the authors call themselves Garter Belt Brides?
Because all three of them got married after the age of thirty-five and each bride wore the same lucky garter at their wedding.

My thoughts:
First off I was pleased the book was better than the fluffy gimmicky “How to find a man in 30 Days” books my old roommate used to read and leave lying all over our apartment.

This book, though, not as in depth as I would have liked did touch on important points and offer good advice.  For example: pay attention to how he treats his mother, be careful of over sharing (too soon), and introduce him to your friends at a large gathering (you can arrive and leave spontaneously). I especially agreed with the advice to read each other’s divorce agreements and to make out new wills before getting married.

I also realized since I married at thirty-five, I too was a garter bride and have to agree with what they say about grown up dating:

Grown up dating is different from dating in your twenties – in a good way! First, you’re a lot wiser about what you want in a relationship. Second, there’s only one rule: It should be fun. Both of you are looking for a new start, so give yourselves one!  (Pg.1)

In addition to advice from the authors, the book also includes anecdotes and experiences from other grown up brides.  I thought this was especially helpful in the chapters pertaining to couples with children; how to meet the kids and blend the families.

The book offered an entertaining look at dating as a grown up. I came away with the following suggestions for a successful relationship: both parties need to have an open mind, talk about their needs, be honest, willing to compromise and willing to change. Overall though I think the book makes "love for grownups" sound easier than it actually is.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
How to Avoid Being Conned on a Dating Site

Is working for your boyfriend a good idea?

Beth a 21-year old college student is considering dropping out of school to work full-time for her boyfriend’s computer company. She’s been working towards a degree in health sciences with the goal of becoming a physical therapist. Last summer her boyfriend hired her part-time to create websites for his clients. She discovered she enjoys this work and is good at it. Now she’s experiencing doubts about her chosen career path and hates the idea of spending additional time and money (she will need a master’s) for a degree she’s no longer sure she wants. She thinks dropping out of school will be a win-win. She will spend more time with her boyfriend, determine if web-site design is the career for her and perform work she enjoys without the burden of additional college loans.

Beth is not asking me for advice, but I so want to give it - I don’t think working for a boyfriend or significant other is a good idea. Here is why:

Working for a significant other changes the dynamics of a relationship:
In addition to boyfriend and girlfriend Beth and her boyfriend are now manager and employee. Beth’s boyfriend critiques her work and it is not always favorable. Also, he no longer refers to her as “Beth” or “Hon,” instead he calls her “Elizabeth.” And more often its, “Elizabeth I need you to ….”

Co-workers will perceive the boss’s girlfriend as receiving special treatment or favoritism:
At my company we have a manager who supervises his girlfriend. Almost every employee in the company feels the girlfriend receives special treatment. She is perceived as coming and going as she pleases and not doing her fair share of the work. This boyfriend/boss is constantly called to HR to discuss complaints about her. He gets defensive and repeats these conversations to his girlfriend. She no longer speaks to most of her co-workers. This entire situation has been a fiasco. HR is currently in the process of formulating a plan to reassign the girlfriend to an alternate manager.

- It will be hard for Beth’s boyfriend not to give her the afternoon off when they both are required to attend a function together (or want to go to a baseball game).

- Beth will have 24-7 access to the boss, since they do live together. Her opinions of co-workers will make a difference. If she doesn’t like them, their jobs could be in jeopardy.

You will never be away from work or each other:
This is just a fact, when both parties in a relationship work for the same company conversations tend to always be about work. Disagreements or relationship problems become work problems and work problems become personal problems.

What happens if the relationship doesn’t work out?
In the event of a breakup the entire company will be affected including co-workers and clients. And what about Beth? She will no longer have a boyfriend or a job.

What should Beth do?
I know of ONE couple who have a successful business they built together. This couple was married five years and had careers of their own prior to starting their business. The business is a partnership, not manager and employee. I also know several other women whose biggest regret is never obtaining a college degree.

- Before Beth does anything she should talk to her college advisor. Discuss alternative career paths. Shadow workers in a variety of careers including physical therapists. Apply for internships.

- If Beth does decide website design is the career for her, she should consider pursuing a degree in graphic design. I would also recommend including several business courses in her curriculum.

- Instead of working FOR her boyfriend Beth should start her own business. Website design is not her boyfriend’s core business. If she is needed to perform work for his clients she should do so as a consultant rather than an employee while pursuing additional clients of her own.

Have you ever worked for a significant other? Was it a positive or negative experience? Do you have any advice for Beth?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Favoritism in the Workplace
Workplace Hook-ups
Mom Worried About son's Startup Business

How to Avoid Being Conned on a Dating Site

Okay, all of you single ladies out there—listen up! We live in a scary world…and if you’re looking for love online, it can be even scarier. As great as those couples in the Match.com commercials make online dating out to be, the marketers behind those ads forget to tell us about the side of online dating that isn’t so great…

Because the internet provides such anonymity, it also unfortunately provides a breeding ground for some serious creeps—many of whom use online dating sites to prey on innocent women looking for love. So that your online dating escapades aren’t marred by such an experience, be sure to learn how to spot romance scams, married men, and then arm yourself with tips for safe online dating:

Watch out for romance scams. More and more online singles are falling into the traps of romance scammers—don’t fall yourself! These scammers are infamous for tricking their victims into believing that there is a true romantic connection in order to fraudulently access their money, bank accounts, credit cards, and more. So that you aren’t left with a broken heart as well as broken bank, ask yourself the following questions to help determine if your new cyber romance is legit or not:

• Does the guy seem too good to be true?

• Does he have an online dating profile picture that looks like it fell out of the pages of a magazine?

• Is he working overseas? Possibly in Nigeria?

• Does he profess his love and undying devotion to you almost immediately?

• Is his spelling/grammar atrocious and not aligned with his alleged education or life status?

• Is there a dire situation related to family troubles, business affairs, medical problems, etc. for which he requests money from you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may just have a romance scammer on your hands. Cease all communications immediately, alert the dating site on which you met, and if you have already given money to this person, contact the police.

Watch out for married men. Sadly, the internet is full of men subscribed to online dating sites who just happen to have wedding bands around their left ring fingers. These men tend to seek out online women who are trusting, naïve and can be easily manipulated so that an affair can be carried through. To make sure that you don’t become the target of a lying, cheating, no-good man with a wife, keep an eye out for the following red flags:

• He has no profile picture. This is so his face isn’t out there heightening the chances of him getting caught.

• He asks for your number but won’t give you his. If the guy is married, he can’t have you calling in case his wife answers.

• He won’t share information with you such as his last name, where he works, where he lives, etc.

• He contacts on an irregular basis. This is because married men usually have schedules filled up with other things—like marriages!

• He won’t invite you over or introduce you to his friends and family. A married man obviously can’t have you blowing his cover—if you meet the people close to him, the jig is sure to be up.

Follow online dating safety tips. A great way to safeguard yourself from encountering con-artists like scammers and married men is of course to educate yourself about them. But for further protection and to ensure that you don’t ever find yourself in a dangerous situation on your quest for online love, check out the general online dating safety tips below:

• Never give out personal information. Until you are confident that the guy you are mingling with online is worthy of your trust, never disclose your last name, home address, place of business, phone number, financial info, or any other identifying details.

• Don’t rush into things. No matter how excited you may be to meet an online match in person, it is imperative to take things slowly. Reputable online dating services offer tools such as email, chat rooms and voice chat through their websites to allow singles to get to know each other before meeting—utilize these!

• Plan a safe first date. If your online relationship has reached the point of a face-to-face meeting, that is great—just as long as you hold safety as your number one priority. For the first couple of dates use your own transportation to meet your match in a public place, let a friend know where you’re going, be aware of your surroundings, forgo alcoholic drinks and listen to your intuition!

Guest post author, Ellie Stevens, shares with us her tips on how to avoid being conned when dating online. In addition, Ellie also owns Free Senior Dating Sites where she offers more safe online dating advice for single seniors.

Workplace-Hookups

Penelope Trunk's resent blog posting: What to Consider when Considering a Workplace Hook-up hits close to home. My husband and I were a workplace-hookup.

I'm glad we met and all; we have now been married ten years, but looking back on the situation I see it was a stressful time. Also, I am sure our relationship interfered with my work performance at least initially. I spent an awful lot of time wondering if my new boyfriend was in the office, what he was doing, and who he was talking to. I went out of my way to find reasons to visit his department sometimes carrying around a stack of project files pretending I had questions. From the beginning, we both agreed to be discreet and keep our relationship a secret even if it meant attending the holiday party separately. I worked in accounting and was privy to confidential information including the company’s financial position, payroll and human resources. Even though I took the confidentiality aspect of my position seriously, I am sure senior management would have been more cautious sharing information with me if they had known about our relationship and may even have thought twice about promoting me to manager.

My future husband was a consultant with sales goals he needed to meet and projects he had to manage under budget. After we had been dating a couple of years, I was promoted to Controller. I then had to sit through uncomfortable meetings and had a few awkward moments as my future husband’s performance was reviewed and critiqued in front of me. I left the company a month before we  married. After our marriage was made public, my former female co-workers claimed they had been on to us for quite some time; whereas senior management, all of whom were male, had been completely taken by surprise. My husband left the company three years later.

In retrospect I believe we were fortunate our workplace-hookup worked out as well as it did. We had been good friends for a year and a half before we started dating which I am sure made a difference. Also, I have never regretted our decision to be discreet and to keep our relationship a secret.