Does Your Husband Take Care of You?

My Aunt, a product of the 1950’s, suggested I look for a husband who will take care of me after I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. During this time my former boyfriend rarely held a job and was well on his way to becoming a professional student.  (This was back in the eighties before tuition became so outrageously expensive). I could see my family hoping my next boyfriend at least had a job, but to be taken care of!  That concept seemed so old-fashioned to me.

As a teen in the seventies, I dreamed of having it all (like in the Enjoli commercial I grew up with). Plus, I strongly valued my financial independence.  I had been earning my own money since my first babysitting job at twelve years old.  I wasn’t going to stop doing so now.

Also, my parents weren’t the best of role models.  I know my aunt envied my mom for being able to stay home with her children while we were growing up, but my mom had never been “taken care of.”  Instead, she had been controlled; both financially and mentally during her marriage.  She was given grocery money when needed, but other than that my dad decided how every penny was spent.  If my mom wanted something he didn’t approve of she had to take money from her grocery fund or do without. She longed for a job and money of her own.  I wanted a better life for myself.

As to my aunt, she was the first woman I knew who worked outside the home.  Her husband had a good state job, but she liked the finer things in life.  To pay for these extras she had to work. Today at seventy-five she still works part-time while her husband retired from his state job years ago.
 

Fast forward five years.  I had recently married my husband and we were both attending a party with my extended family.  Another aunt noticed my new car and began gushing over it and my new husband’s ability to take care of me.  How fortunate I was to have made such a good catch.  I was furious.  I had spent the past five years working full-time while going to school.  I had just passed the CPA exam, secured a new job with a bigger salary and bought that new car.  The down payment had come from my savings and the loan was in my name, not my husbands. I was disappointed that of all my accomplishments and hard work, the only recognition I received was for supposedly marrying well.

As for this aunt, her third husband has leukemia and is too sick to work.  I recently saw a photo of her on Facebook selling her hand-made items in a booth at a craft fair.  She too is in her seventies.
 

Fast forward another fifteen years.  I am attending a holiday celebration with my husband’s family.
His 28-year old niece models her new winter coat; a gift from her new husband.  She says, “He knows how to take care of me.” Again I am surprised by this old-fashioned phrase and that it is coming from someone twenty years younger than me.  Plus, this young woman has a college degree and a better job than her new husband.

During my almost seventeen years of marriage, there have been years when my husband made more than me and others when I made more than him.  I’ve never once considered myself “taken care of” and I don’t think that is something he ever aspired to do.  I do feel he supports me emotionally and is an incredible help with the household chores. I do feel controlled though, but not by my husband. Instead, I'm controlled by my job, the stress that comes with it and the incredible work load. 
 

I wonder currently if the phrase, “he’ll take care of you” isn’t just wishful thinking.  Today with the high cost of tuition, housing and medical care it has become almost a necessity for both spouses to work at least a portion of their marriage outside the home. I look at my husband’s young niece and can’t help but think wouldn’t it be nice if she didn’t have to work as hard as I do and that she is able to enjoy more of life.  Perhaps that is what both my aunts were thinking when they made those comments to me.  As to my husband’s niece, perhaps she was saying her husband may make less than her but, he still knows what her needs are or how to take care of her.

Does your husband take care of you? 

This post was inspired by Spinster: Making a Life of One's Ownby Kate Bolick, who explores singledom with famous women who fashioned life on their own terms. Join From Left to Write on May 5th as we discuss Spinster. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Portia De Rossi Admits Falling For It

Motivation for reading:
I decided to read Portia De Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gainafter seeing it on a list of books about self-acceptance. One of my 2015 goals for this blog is to promote self-acceptance.

What is Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain about?
Portia De Rossi is a model and actress who stared in the popular TV shows Ally McBeal and Arrested Development. In this book she shares her personal struggle with eating disorders. Beginning at age 12 she began practicing excessive dieting and bulimic behaviors to stay thin for her modeling career. After feeling shamed by her size 8 body during a photo shoot for L’Oréal she takes her diet and fitness obsessions to a new level and becomes anorexic. Weighing only 82 lbs. she collapses. Doctors inform her she has osteoporosis and her organs were shutting down, but it wasn’t until she realizes she "fell for it" while reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Mythdoes she begin a turn-around:

I remember feeling ashamed for calling myself a feminist when I had blatantly succumbed to the oppression of the mass media telling me what was beautiful, how to look and what to weigh. I had always prided myself on the fact that I was smart, analytical, and someone who didn’t “fall for it.” By starving myself into society’s beauty ideal, I had compromised my success, my independence, and my quality of life. The stick-thin prepubescent girls never should have had power over me. I should’ve had my sights set on successful businesswomen and successful female artists, authors and politicians to emulate. Instead I stupidly and pointlessly just wanted to be considered pretty. I squandered my brain and my talent to squeeze into a size 2 dress while my male counterparts went to work on making money, making policy, making a difference. (Pg. 287)

My Thoughts:
This is a book about De Rossi and the conversations she has with herself about food, body image and her lack of self-acceptance. She mentions only in passing Ellen DeGeneres and a few of her co-stars from Ally McBeal. I was struck by how lonely she was and how she feared she would lose her career if her true sexual orientation was discovered. Her detailed account of eating rituals and obsessive workouts are truly scary.

Another interesting point, even at 82 pounds De Rossi still saw herself as fat. It wasn’t until after her health scare that she realized dieting wasn’t going to change her body’s proportions:

I saw a round face, thin arms, a body rib cage, a thick waist, and big thick legs. It was the same body I had always seen, only smaller. The proportions were the same. (Pg. 272)

Bottom Line:
If you know someone with an eating disorder and are interested in learning more about their rituals and how they think I recommend this book. I don’t recommend it for someone with an eating disorder. Professionals feel it is too much of a how-to guide for those prone to eating disorders and they may get additional ideas. It also glosses over the recovery process.

I do recommend it for a self-acceptance book club. It could lead to an interesting discussion.

As for me, I too fell for it. I’ve written before about how I spent most of my free time in my teens and early twenties shopping for the perfect outfit, styling my hair and experimenting with beauty regiments. My husband, on the other hand, at the same age was participating in sports, learning new things, working and traveling. I am also adding Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth to my reading list since I’ve never read it in its entirety.

Have you fell for society’s definition of the beauty ideal? What books would you recommend for a self-acceptance book club?

Why I Need to Continue Making Women Count

In 2011, after reading a couple of books that discussed how far women have come and also how far we have to go I made it my 2011 blog goal to Make Women Count.

My goals were to write about:

- Women counting for more than their beauty. Explore our cultures preoccupation with weight and beauty.

- Highlighting women who are making a difference.

- Give practical advice on how women can achieve their full potential.

- Read and review books emphasizing strong women or women who have discovered their passion. Study these women as role models and analyze what made them strong.

-Answer women’s questions on work and finance issues.

-Continue to get a clue about health and beauty products. Currently, there seems to be a product or procedure that will fix just about anything. I plan to continue researching what products are genuine and which are scams.

After a year of writing posts covering topics such as shadism, the gender wealth gap and sexual harassment the year ended on a low note when I found myself guilty of gender bias. I had automatically and wrongly assumed the woman I was introduced to was the subordinate while the man she was with was the manager. After this incident I lost the enthusiasm for my project and despite vowing to continue it in 2012 I went in a different direction.

While reading Jenny Nordberg’s book The Underground Girls of Kabul: In Search of a Hidden Resistance in AfghanistanI couldn’t help but be reminded my former project.

After the Taliban regime was removed, the new Afghan government mandated a minimum of 25 percent of parliament seats be held by females. Azita, a woman Nordberg features in this book, is one of these females. In their almost five years in office, she and the other women rarely speak during sessions and if they do are ridiculed and cut off. In Azita’s reasoning:

it is better to exist on the inside, where she at least has a vote than to only shout about women’s rights from outside the barricades, where few but the foreign press might listen. Her own brand of resistance is slightly different. For instance, she never misses an opportunity to be on camera. The young and spirited Kabul press corps, much of which operates with foreign aid money, often ask Azita to comment on parliamentary negotiations and she always accepts. She prefers to be interviewed on the lawn outside, as the plenum usually disrupts in angry murmurs and complains at the sight of a video camera, although photography is indeed allowed. Azita never confronts colleagues who argue women should not appear on television, but to her that is exactly the point. If a young boy or girl somewhere in Afghanistan catches a glimpse of a woman on television, and an elected politician at that, it has some small value. To show them that at least she exists. That she is a possibility. (Pgs. 56-57)

As we go about our lives it is easy to not think about those who live in other parts of the world and what they are experiencing. I am aware women in Afghanistan have it rough and were treated as second class citizens under the Taliban, but I didn’t realize progress for women has seen little change since 2001. Sure in Kabul and some of the major cities more women are seen on the streets and more girls attend school. Outside of these areas though burkas are still commonplace and women rarely venture out without their husbands, marriages are forced, honor killings are not unusual, rape victims go to jail or are forced to marry their rapists and daughters are used as currency to settle disputes or pay off debts. Daughters are so undervalued that some families are forced to dress their girls as boys. The reasons for this vary from needing a son to work outside of the home to requiring a son to improve the family's standing in the community.

Changing this culture is not going to be an easy. Power in Afghanistan has long been held by men who control property and women are considered property. I applaud women like Azita who do what little they can to improve the lives of all. If I can spend a year reading and writing in an attempt to  make women count then at the end of the year still succumb to a gender bias can you imagine what those trying to promote woman’s equality in Afghanistan are up against?

As I continue my quest to reinvent my life in my 52nd year perhaps I need to consider bringing back my making women count project. I may not be able to actually make women count or even eliminate all of my own deeply ingrained gender biases, but hopefully I can help show others the possibility of change.

This post was inspired by The Underground Girls of Kabul by journalist Jenny Nordberg, who discovers a secret Afghani practice where girls are dressed and raised as boys. Join From Left to Write on September 16th as we discuss The Underground Girls of Kabul. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Interview with Jenn Aubert author of Women Entrepreneur Revolution

One of my goals for this blog is to read and recommend career books for women. I’ve found a few good ones over the years, but honestly have to say Jenn Aubert’s book Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch!: 100+ Successful Women Entrepreneurs Share Their Best Tips on What Works, What Doesn't (and Why) ... a Business and Designing a Life You Love is one of the best entrepreneurship books for women I have read to date. In addition to providing small business and entrepreneurial advice it includes real-life examples from 100 different entrepreneurial women. I’ve never encountered this in a book before. Almost all of the books I've read have been written by men and were about men's businesses. A few years ago I read a blog comment written by a female commercial lender stating all women business ideas were lame – every single one of them. Obviously this commenter needs to read this book.

I will be writing additional posts in the next few weeks based on the lessons I’ve learned from Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready!.  Today I am delighted to share my interview with the book’s author Jenn Aubert:

What motivated you to write “Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch?
Many small moments led to the writing of Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch!. The final 'ah ha' moment happened in the Fall of 2012 after having noticed my book shelf filled with books on business all having been written by men. It was simply an observation. Out of curiosity I went to an online forum of women business owners I belong to and asked them who they were reading, who they were following and learning from, and who are their role models. What surprised me was how few women had noted female leaders and entrepreneurs as role models - other than Oprah. Oprah is fantastic but she can't possibly be the only role model for every woman starting a business. I knew I had to figure out what was going on so. That’s when I decided to take a year and ask 100 women who inspired them and how they've created success for themselves.

Who are your female role models?
I have so many now I feel like I need a board on my wall to remember them all. Each inspires me in a different way. One of my role models is a woman I used to work with when I was in the corporate world. Before she became an executive recruiter she was a co-founder of a biotechnology company and was previous a bench scientist involved in cancer research. She is one of the coolest, most generous, loving people I’ve ever known. I admire her grace under pressure and her ability to lead in a more feminine style.

Others that are newer to my stable of role models is Alexis Maybank of Gilt and Jessica Herrin of Stella & Dot. They both have created significant empires in areas where people thought they were nuts. Alexis is a strong leader in the technology community while remaining approachable. Jessica has created a company that helps women create a flexible living for themselves. Both are also moms.

What is your why and why is that important?
My why is that I want to help women build a sustainable business that will enable them to fulfill every passion and desire they have. My why has been around for years but only recently have I discovered the how to do this. The book is a start. My next venture, LearnSavvy, is the next phase.

What was your biggest surprise or lesson learned from interviewing over 100 women?
I was surprised how willing busy successful women were to take the time to speak to me. They were incredibly kind in giving their time, sharing their wisdom and helping a fellow woman pursue her dreams.

In terms of lessons, many women gave the advice of asking for what you want and need. I realized that I have been terrible at that in my professional and personal life. Over the course of the year and having that piece of sage advice reiterated over and over, I’ve become more brave in my own life in terms of asking for what I need.

Is it possible to attain a work/life balance?
While I was interviewing the women for the book I was franticly trying to find my own balance. I was managing my business and a toddler while interviewing, researching, and writing the book. Trust me, I was asking how other’s were doing it because I felt like I was drowning.

What I found was there is no one answer to the question, “How do you balance family and work?”. Everyone has their unique ways to integrate the two, knowing that true balance will never happen. That’s the one relief that came out of talking to over a hundred women. That no one really has the answer - the magic solution - to “having it all.” And quite frankly, it’s ok.

The key is to honestly do the best you can, ruthlessly prioritize what you most value and let go of things that just aren’t that important. There are only so many hours each day so honor that time and focus on what is most important to you.

What do you know now that you did not know when you were 18?
I think at 18 I was more focused on what I should do and be. I planned on majoring in International Relations thinking that I wanted some high paying corporate job traveling the world. I realize now that you can create the income you want in such a variety of unique ways while living a life that really fits you. You don’t have to have an MBA, wear a suit and sit in the corner office to make a really fabulous life for yourself. But that’s all part of life. It takes doing a lot of what doesn’t fit to figure out what does. It’s like dating, you have to go out with a lot of guys to find just the right one.

Is there anything else we should know about you or your book?
I’ve been surprised to hear from women who are not business owners, that they have gotten so much out of the book. I’ve heard stories of women being inspired to take more risks in their corporate roles and of women taking more bold steps in their philanthropic work. It truly warms my heart that this book is helping women everywhere become the best versions of themselves.

Thank you Jenn.  I am already looking forward to your next project - LearnSavvy.

Who are your female role models?  Please share in the comments below.

Disclosure: I was given a copy of this book prior to this interview.

I am an Amazon Affiliate

The Real Reason You Weren’t Invited Along on that Consulting Trip

Last month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, read Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. In an earlier post, I revealed a perfume commercial from the 70's was responsible for shaping my life’s vision. Then we discussed whether greater sexual freedom meant a loss of power for women and why women opt-out of their careers.

Today I want to tell you the real reason you weren't invited along on that consulting trip. In Wonder Women, Spar recounts a conversation she had with a senior executive who openly joked he would never take a woman on a consulting trip. 

"My wife would kill me!" (Pg. 238)

I wonder how many women were not invited to lunch, out for drinks or on overnight business trips because of what others may think. These missed opportunities result in another advancement strategy not available to women.

Spar recommends two thing that will prod the evolution along:

1. We need to get a larger critical mass of women into the organizations dealing with these tensions. The more women there are in an organization, the more openly gay men and women - the more diversity - the less potent the sexual pressures will be on everyone.

2. The senior men in any organization need to engage actively and professionally with the women around them. They need to bring them along on trips, take them to lunch, invite them for golf and to meet their wives.  If there is a hint of sexual attraction involved, so be it. Deal with it, and move on.   

In my position as accounting manager, I am almost never included in management meetings held off-site. For many years I was the only female manager at my company.  I had assumed I was required to stay back to manage the office while my boss was out, then one of my employees pointed out I should be at those meetings - all of the other departments seem to make it through the day with their manager absent. Also, by not attending these meetings I miss out on critical organizational information no one thinks to share with me not to mention the relationship building opportunities I miss out on. It is interesting to note my female predecessor was not invited to those meetings either.

I have a female friend who works in HR. In her first job she was regularly invited to lunch by her company’s CFO.  She often comments that she learned more about finance during those lunches than she ever did in the classroom. Unfortunately her co-workers spread rumors that the two of them were having an affair.

Then there is my former female co-worker who in the 80’s claimed she had been propositioned for sex while on a business trip with her boss. She refused.  Upon returning to work after the trip, working for him became so unbearable she had to leave.

Contradictory to Spar's advice, Anna Runyan in her book The Professional Woman's Guide to Managing Mensuggests:

Be aware of one-on-one meetings with the men you manage at restaurants and coffee shops. These can quickly turn into “date” types of situations.  Try to bring along another work colleague to these meetings. Try to hold the meeting in the office or where there will be a lot of people around.  If you need to leave the office, recommend breakfast or lunch meetings over happy hours and dinners.  You don’t want a business meeting to turn into an uncomfortable situation. (Pg. 38)

She then gives the following advice if a male employee makes an unwanted sexual advance:

The most important thing you can do is to catch this immediately before it turns into sexual harassment.  Try to resolve the situation right away with a conversation.  If you feel comfortable enough, you can use humor to try to keep the working relationship on a positive level and say something like, “Were you flirting with me? I hope not, I really like working with you.” If humor is not working, be clear and straightforward.  Tell him that you are not interested and your relationship needs to stay professional.  If he continues to hit on you, contact Human Resources. (Pg. 44) 

What is your experience? Are you or the women in your workplace given opportunities to network with men at lunch, on business trips or on the golf course? Were they positive or negative experiences?

*Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on Femme Frugality and Savvy Working Gal*

“Pull Her Down” Syndrome

Last month The Savvy Reader Book Club read Leymah Gbowee's book Mighty Be Our Powers: How Sisterhood, Prayer, and Sex Changed a Nation at War. Earlier this week I shared Leymeh Gbowee's Lessons on Domestic Abuse. 

Today I want to share a surprising syndrome I was made aware of reading this book:  

After working tirelessly as the official spokeswoman and inspirational leader for Women in Peacebuilding Network, or WIPNET Leymeh Gbowee was asked to come to a meeting at the WIPNET offices. Most of the women who had been a part of the Liberian Mass Action for Peace were there. They formed a circle and one by one the women began attacking her.  She was undermining them, she was still trying to run things, she had stolen money. She had taken credit for everything WIPNET had done while “not doing shit,” and all she ever wanted was power.

Some time later, Gbowee met the American Feminist Gloria Steinem who talked to her about the “pull her down” syndrome:

A way in which too often women denigrate other women. This infighting happens in any society or group than has been impoverished or disenfranchised for a long time. You see one person doing well, think she is getting it all and want only to take it away. I understand it, but it is very destructive. (Page 199)

So there you have it – pull her down – syndrome. It is similar to how Americans love to build up their celebrities then tear them down. Think Martha Stewart and Paula Deen. This instance is much sadder though. Didn’t the women of Liberia have greater problems? What good was it going to do harboring grievances and jealousies against each other? 

Have you heard of “pull her down” syndrome? Do you have any examples you’d like to share?

What does “lean in” mean for you?

This month The Savvy Reader Book Club is reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Today is the first in a series of posts I plan on writing though out the month inspired by the book.

What was Sheryl Sandburg's motivation behind Lean-In?

When Sheryl Sandburg graduated from college in 1991 and from business school in 1995 her entry-level colleagues were a balanced mix of male and female. She saw that her senior leaders were almost entirely male, but she thought that was due to historical discrimination against women. She thought it was only a matter of time before her generation took their fair share of leadership roles. But with each passing year fewer and fewer of her colleagues were women. More and more often she was the only woman in the room. 

She feels the problem is two-fold:

External barriers erected by society
Blatant and subtle sexism, discrimination and sexual harassment.
Too few workplaces offering flexibility and access to child care and parental leave.
Men having an easier time finding mentors and sponsors who are invaluable for career progression.  
Men are promoted based on potential while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

Self-imposed internal barriers:
Lacking self-confidence.
Not raising our hands.
Pulling back when we should be leaning in.
Internalizing internal messages we get throughout our lives – the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, and more powerful than men.
We lower our expectations of what we can achieve.
We continue to do the majority of the housework and childcare.
We compromise our career goals to make room for partners and children who may not even exist yet.
Compared to our male colleagues, fewer of us aspire to senior positions.

Sheryl’s argument is that getting rid of the internal barriers is critical to gaining power.

In the introduction of Lean-in she writes:

I am writ­ing this book for any woman who wants to increase her chances of mak­ing it to the top of her field or pur­sue any goal vig­or­ously. This includes women at all stages of their lives and careers, from those who are just start­ing out to those who are tak­ing a break and may want to jump back in. 

This book makes the case for lean­ing in, for being ambi­tious, in any pursuit. (pgs. 9-10) 

She then promises to provide adjustments and differences we can make within ourselves to reduce self-imposed internal barriers in subsequent chapters.

I recently watched a news program where a group of women were talking about leaning-in. Every one of them felt they couldn’t possibly lean-in to their careers more than they currently were doing. They were completely tapped out. After reading most of this book I can’t help but wonder if they’d actually read the book themselves or if they were just responding to the hype. I also wonder if they had thought about what leaning-in actually means to them.

For me leaning-in no longer means doing whatever it takes to get the corner office. (Actually I have a corner office – it is kind of small though - but it does have a window with a view of our back parking lot.) I also make a decent salary, but am not paid nearly as much as a man would be paid in a similar position. At this stage of my life I don’t want to lean into my career. I want to lean-in to my life. I want to a second career that is more meaningful and less time consuming than the one I have now. 
 

The example from the book that resonated with me the most is the one where Larry Kanarek manager of the Washington D.C. office of McKinsey and Company gathered his employees together for a talk.

He explained that since he was running the office, employees came to him when they wanted to quit. Over time, he noticed that people quit for one reason only: they were burnt out, tired of working long hours and traveling. Larry said he could understand the complaint, but what he could not understand was that all the people who quit- every single one- had unused vacation time. Up until the day they left, they did everything McKinsey asked of them before deciding that is was too much.

Larry implored us to exert more control over our careers. He said McKinsey would never stop making demands on our time, so it was up to us to decide what we were willing to do. It was our responsibility to draw the line. We needed to determine how many hours we were willing to work in a day and how many nights we were willing to travel. If later on, the job did not work out, we would know that we had tried on our own terms.  

Counterintuitively, long-term success at work often depends on not trying to meet every demand placed on us. The best way to make room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately - to set limits and stick to them. (pg. 126)

Wow did that hit home. I am one of those people who doesn't use all of my vacation time. Even with my recent bunion surgery I worked from home four of the eight days I was out of the office. At the end of this year I will probably have at least two weeks of unused vacation – ouch. One of my fellow male managers called me out on this. He said I work so much that it is now expected. He strongly encouraged me to break this cycle and begin taking care of myself. He uses all of his four weeks of vacation each year, upper management complains when he is out of the office, but he does it anyway. He does make himself available for questions via phone and email while he is out, but he doesn’t actually sit down and work.

For me leaning-in has to involve setting limits and learning to stick to them without feeling guilty

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Are you reading this book? What are your thoughts so far? What does “lean-in” mean for you?

Are You Wearing Jeans Today?

Today is International Denim Day:

This is a day in which people around the world wear denim in honor of those who have been raped and to educate society about rape.  This campaign came about after an 18-year old girl in Italy was raped by her 45-year old driving instructor in the 1990’s.  Her rapist was initially arrested, prosecuted, convicted and sentenced to jail, but his conviction was overturned on appeal.  Why? Because the woman was wearing really tight jeans! The Italian Supreme Court presumed since the woman’s jeans were tight she must have assisted him with their removal concluding their sexual encounter had to have been consensual. Enraged by this verdict, the women of the Italian Parliament protested that very day by wearing jeans to work.  This protest evolved into the first Denim Day in LA in April 1999 and has continued every year since.

I only recently became aware of Denim Day:

I learned of it when reading, Student McKenna Nerone is generating support for rape victims through Denim Day, an article on JS Online about McKenna Nerone’s project Share a Pair. Nerone, a high school senior, created Share a Pair as a project for a senior’s honors seminar. Her goal is to raise awareness of sexual assault and the dangers of blaming victims. She hopes to collect 1,050 pairs of jeans for Denim Day.

Why 1,050 pairs of jeans?
Nerone calculated during the time she spends each week in class 1,050 individuals are sexually assaulted. According to denimdayusa.org, every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

Nobody wants to talk about rape:
Not everyone was in favor of Nerone’s project.  She encountered objectors who felt rape was a taboo topic.  This taboo is precisely why Nerone went ahead with her project. She feels it will benefit both her high school and the greater community.  She is quoted in the article as saying:

“I want to make people start talking about it. Nobody wants to talk about rape.”

The topic of rape and sexual assault is rarely addressed in school, Nerone said and she wants to change that, along with a common misconception.

“Many people think that if you’re going to be raped you need to have this criteria,” she said listing weight, physical attributes and tight jeans. “But no that is just not true.”

Thank you McKenna for making me aware of International Denim Day and for the awareness you have created. Knowledge and education is the first step in fighting the rape culture that continues to be prevalent in our society.

McKenna Nerone is donating all of the jeans she collects to Pathfinders, a local nonprofit that helps youths and young adults who are survivors of sexual assault, homelessness and mental illness.

I’m wearing jeans today.  Are you?

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Interview with Gloria Steinem
"In the Name of Honor" is an Important Book that Deserves to be Read

Why I love Caitlin Moran’s book ‘How to be a Woman’

I was looking over a woman's shoulder as the following photo of Hillary Clinton appeared on her computer screen:

Kevin Lamarque / AFP - Getty Images

This particular woman who rarely utters a bad word about anyone and refuses to discuss politics even when probed turned to me, pointed at Hillary’s photo and said:

"She is so ugly."

I was dumbfounded. Not, “I hate her politics” or “She was the worst first lady we’ve ever had or even “She sucks as Secretary of State,” but, “She is ugly.” Seriously! I hesitated a bit before saying, “I think she's been traveling a lot and is probably tired” and quickly changed the subject.

To make matters worse this was the article featured with the photo: 'It pains me': Clinton decries plight of women in male-dominated countries It relayed Hillary’s emotional speech warning there will be "many sacrifices and losses" before daughters were "valued as sons" across the world and included this quote from Hillary:

We are on the right side of history in this struggle, but there will be many sacrifices and losses until we finally reach a point where daughters are valued as sons, where girls are as educated as boys, where women are encouraged and permitted to make their contributions to their families, to their societies just as the men are.

This episode occurred the day after I read Black Girl in Maine’s post Dear retailers, you will not steal my kid's innocence about her difficulties shopping for an affordable age appropriate dress for her seven year old daughter’s upcoming holiday concert. Instead of finding a cute dress appropriate for a seven year old she could only find dresses that were sexualized, designed to show off non-existent curves and inappropriate as hell.

As the afternoon progressed, I couldn’t get these incidents out of my head; how our society continues to value and promote appearance over accomplishments, how women continue to struggle to be seen as equal to men and how being taken seriously in the workplace is still a common topic of conversation amongst professional women in my social circle. 

This brings me to the book I am currently reading: Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman which consists of a series of personal essays all promoting a stand against sexism. Unfortunately for me the book has become unreadable. When Moran mentioned she has of course tasted her own menstrual blood I realized I couldn’t go on. The book is just too crass and vulgar for my tastes.    

Then it occurred to me why I love this book - I am not Caitlin Moran’s target audience. Her audience is the 20 to 30 year old woman who doesn’t believe she needs to be concerned with feminism. If they can find humor is Moran’s writing and actually read her book Moran just might be able to convince them feminism means being equal to boys, having the right to make the same amount of money, the same access to education, to have sexual harassment be a crime and to believe they deserve to be valued for more than just their appearance. If so, then this is a wonderful book. I don’t want this generation of women to become middle-aged and like the woman above be unable to see past a bad hair day to recognize the extraordinary accomplishments of a woman like Hillary Clinton.

Have you read Caitlin Moran’s book How to Be a Woman? What were your thoughts?

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The good news is both sides are talking about the deficit

In a meeting with our financial planner, I asked how he thought the outcome of the presidential election would affect the U.S. economy. I was surprised by his answer:

At this point it is not going to matter a whole lot which guy gets elected. 

He is just happy to hear both sides are talking about the deficit which he feels is America's biggest challenge and the sooner this election is over the better.

Speaking of the election in Terry Savage’s* article Who are the worker's dropping out of the search she wrote:

It has been estimated that roughly $6 billion will be spent on the presidential elections in 2012. Couldn’t some of that money be spent more wisely — on creative ideas to generate economic growth? For that’s what it will take to get people back to work — a spurt of economic growth and activity that will create the demand for products and service — and jobs for the people who provide them.

Right now, the only people with secure jobs seem to be the advertising agencies that create those outrageous commercials for both political parties. Money down the drain. And that’s the Savage Truth.

This is just crazy.  6 billion dollars is being spent to clog my mailbox with fliers that immediately go in the trash, my phone with messages I instantly delete, my radio with advertisements that force me to change the station and my TV with commercials I don’t watch because we DVR our shows and skip through them or mute them.  What a waste.  I agree with our financial planner this election can’t be over soon enough.

*I am embarrassed to say while reading Terry Savage's article in our local 50 Plus newspaper I assumed she was a male. Ugh! Once again I am guilty of gender bias.    

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Enjoy Mad Men check out Mad Women

I first heard of Jane Maas and her book Mad Women: The Other Side of Life on Madison Avenue in the '60s and Beyond when Kim Ukura included it on her list of Nonfiction for the Life and Times of Mad Men on Book Riot. Kim writes:

In this memoir, “real life Peggy Olson” Jane Maas writes about her time as a copywriter the world of advertising in New York. Maas started her career in 1964 at Ogilvy and Mather, eventually becoming the president of an agency in New York. Honestly, who doesn’t want to hear more about what life was like for the Peggy Olsons of the world?

I had recently begun watching Mad Men and was intrigued with show and the character of Peggy Olson. Sex at the office, three-martini lunches, constant cigarette smoking and women treated as second class citizens was this show accurate? Jane Maas using her own experiences along with interviews with her peers provides an insider’s view. I had to read this book.

Is the show accurate?
Mostly yes, though most people Jane knew didn’t drink in the mornings and those who smoke find the smoking on the show phony. Cigarette smokers know that smoking is a habit that smokers aren’t aware of.  The actors on the show make a big production of their smoking.  The details of the sets including the office and apartment furnishings and character attire are right-on except for Peggy; they get an accessory wrong.  I am not going to be a spoiler you will have to read the book to find out what it is.  The show's depiction of sex at the office and women being treated as second class citizens is accurate.

What about Jane? How did her real-life experiences compare with Peggy’s?

Jane confirms women didn’t make the same salary as a man with the same title, didn’t have equal space – the guys got offices with windows, women got cubicles.  There were also accounts women were not allowed to work on such as car advertising. Jane writes: 

Why should men take us seriously as advertising professionals? Women weren’t even taken seriously as consumers. (pg. 55)

Jane did have two advantages over Peggy and most other working women of the time:

She had a supportive, successful well-connected and liberal-minded husband. She also had Mabel her nanny and housekeeper who lived with the family Monday through Friday. Jane admits she would not have been able to devote her life to her career without Mabel who came to the family in 1963 and stayed for thirty-two years.*

Mad Women includes networking and career lessons.  I enjoyed the following:

Sit at the front of the room:
Jane who is short would always sit in the front-row at agency meetings.

It is a huge advantage, because in addition to seeing better, you are also seen. (pg. 35)

Priority setting from Mary Wells, president and founder of Wells Rich Green:

Early on I learned to focus and eliminate from my life anything that didn’t really matter because so much in my life did matter.  I pretty well eliminated a social life except with my clients.  They were as interesting to socialize with as anyone else I knew, so that was easy.  My life was simply my family, Wells Rich Greene, and my clients. (pg. 68)

On the importance of a “network:”
Jane receives an offer from Leona Helmsley, yes “the Queen of Mean” Leona Helmsley of Helmsley Hotels, to market the Helmsley motels. Jane would have her own advertising agency.  Leona offers to help Jane get lots of other clients. 

At home that night Jane asked her husband Michael what he thought.  He said what do you have to lose and she agreed.  End of discussion.  In hindsight:

Few men would make a big decision like changing jobs without checking with their Old Boy network.  Women still don’t have that instinctive reaction, nor do we have as good an Old Girl network.  We’re getting better, but we’re not there yet. (pg. 193)

Bottom Line:

I enjoyed this book especially its author Jane Maas.  Jane is warm, professional and likeable.  She seems honest.  She admits her book Adventures of an Advertising Women was a whitewashed memoir.  As president of a New York advertising agency she wrote the book to help attract new business.  In Mad Women she revisits clients and advertising campaigns mentioned in her previous book writing the truth this time.  She doesn’t come across as bitter even when describing the sexism and challenges she faced. Actually, she says she was having a wonderful time. 

If you watch Mad Men, are interested in advertising, life in the sixties, or successful career women, you may enjoy this book. I’ve left out Jane’s perspective on being a working mother and her take on where women are today, if interested you will have to read the book.

 *This is the third time I’ve read about career women getting help with their housekeeping. First Mary Kay Ash, then Lisa Bloom and now Jane Maas  I am beginning to believe them, a housekeeper is a necessity.

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Will I be pretty?

I discovered this video of poetry slammer Katie Makkai reciting her poem “Pretty” over on Bella of One Sister's Rant's website. Watch it – I guarantee you’re definition of the word “pretty” will never be the same:

In Bella's post Who's ready to stop the insanity?, Bella encourages us to join forces and together redefine what comprises beauty. She writes:

Let us laugh, giggle, and support each other in our grief, pain, and triumphs.

Let us go back to the time when being best friends meant sharing secrets, helping one another, and splitting a stick of gum.

Let us encourage each other so that we can all come to believe we are beautiful; that we are worthy.

The only way we can stop the insanity is by coming together to say, enough.

Let us demonstrate that the sisterhood still exists and it’s on a mission; a mission to stop the insanity.

What say you, ladies?
Are you in?

I was the first one to respond I was in.  Stopping the insanity has long been one of the goals of this blog and my Making Women Count project. One of my biggest life regrets is spending too much time and mental energy in my teens and twenties trying to attain society’s ideal of “pretty.”  

For all of you, who are joining forces with Bella and me, be advised we have our work cut out for us.  My 10-year old niece is a gifted athlete, but receives many more messages from family, her peers and the media that she should work on being more “girlie” rather than on her soccer game or pitching arm.  At a recent Father-Daughter dance at her school, some of her fourth grade classmates showed up in makeup and with their hair professionally styled.  These are nine and ten year olds.

Then there is the latest addition to our family.  A baby girl born on Valentine’s Day:

Just days old and there have already been comments about her appearance.  Here is a picture of the baby's parents and brothers:

Have you spotted the baby's flaw?

You got it.

The baby's hair is not blonde.

It is not the baby's mother who is concerned about this (she knows her baby is perfect), but another family member.  A bleached blonde who gasped when I pointed out that the natural hair color of all the adult members of our family is actually brown.

I spend many family get-togethers kicking this particular family member under the table or jabbing her with my elbow while she is talking to the ten-year old.   I don't want today's girls growing up believing the message society continues to force upon girls:  we need to be "pretty."  Instead why can't we instill the message from my favorite line of Kattie Makkai's poem:

“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.” 

What can we do to stop the insanity? How can we change the conversation?
Lisa Bloom in How to talk to little girls provides an excellent example of how to talk to little girls.  Instead of telling a little girl she had met how gorgeous she was and asking her to model her pretty dress, she asked her about her favorite book.  What a novel idea; asking her about her mind. Bloom goes on to say:

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

Be cognizant of opportunities to change the conversation:
Recently ahead of me in the checkout-line at the grocery store, an eleven-year old girl and her mother were admiring the models on magazine covers. The girl was pointing at them talking about how pretty and skinny they were. I butted in on their conversation and said, "They don't really look like that you know. Those photos are photo shopped." Her mother took my cue and agreed with me.  She began telling her daughter how perfect she was and that she didn't need to wear makeup.

Are you ready to change the conversation and to stop the insanity? If so head over to Bella's blog and let her know you too are in.

Here are links from a few fellow bloggers who've committed to changing the conversation:
Virginia Sole Smith's Brave Books for Girls (not Princesses) provides a list of her favorite books from childhood featuring brave (non-princess-y) girls as the main characters and none of them never so much as mentions their weight.

Elizabeth at Yo Mama praises Ashley Judd for slapping media in the face for speculation over her 'puffy' face appearance in  Making Ashley Judd's Moment Last.

Lori at The Ole Master Plan writes about weight and her own experience with prednisone in Worth Doesn't Equal a Size 4.

If you have written a blog post or know of one that belongs on the above list, let me know I will be happy to add it. Let's work together and say enough.

SWG Coffee Social: Job Disillusionment

Now that March is over, the theme of the month seems to have been “Job Disillusionment.” It began with a night out with my 40-something girlfriends. Two of them work for the same manufacturing company. The topic of conversation quickly turned to job dissatisfaction. Kate, whom I previously wrote about here, was passed over for another promotion. Thinking she actually had a chance this time, she prepared a presentation highlighting her accomplishments. These accomplishments included working on the company budget, traveling to other company facilities to audit and upgrade their systems and acting as manager while the current controller was out on sick leave. She also has completed her MBA. She thought she had rocked in her interviews, so when she received word the promotion had gone to a (younger) male colleague whom she had trained she was extremely disappointed.

Why didn’t Kate receive the promotion?
She was told that when her name came up as a top contender, one of the senior officers said, “Isn’t she the one who is the eight to fiver.” Kate had previously received feedback that she did not put in enough face time.  When asked during the interviews about her willingness to work long hours if promoted she answered with, "I will work whatever hours are necessary to get the job done." Apparently this answer wasn’t good enough to overcome her reputation

Was Kate’s MBA a waste of time and money?
Kate feels earning her MBA has not improved her career one bit and in hindsight thinks it may have been a waste of time and money. Though, she does attribute her staled career somewhat to the down economy. I asked another friend, Leah, who also has earned her MBA for her thoughts. She too feels earning her MBA did not advance her career. She thinks an MBA is only worth it if you are on a career track in which an MBA is required prior to earning one.

Here are a couple of other “Job Disillusionment” stories from the month:

Employee forced to work on special project after co-worker's decline offer:
My second friend from above, Elaine, was pulled from her current position in accounting and assigned to work on the company’s computer conversion for the next nine months. Other employees including Kate were asked if they would like to work on the project and declined, Elaine was TOLD she had been assigned to the project. I imagine the company had no choice; someone has to work on the conversion so they stopped asking and started telling.

Companies continue to downsize:
Leah works for a large insurance company in our area. This insurance company has announced they plan to continue reducing their workforce in 2012 and that layoffs are possible. Leah was told her job was safe for NOW, but is nervous about her future with this company.

Required to reapply for their jobs:
It could be worse though, both a blogger I follow and her husband work for the same company. This company was sold and the purchasing company is closing the facility in their city. To maintain employment with their new company they have to apply for positions at the company’s headquarters in another state. During the interview process they do not know what positions they are applying for or what salaries these jobs will pay.

Unhappy Workers:
While attending my networking meeting at the end of the month, I made an effort to walk around and talk to my fellow members (remember I joined Classy Career Girl's Networking Challenge this month). As I made my way around the room I kept hearing the same phrase over and over, “I am so unhappy in my job.” The reasons alternated between bad bosses and too much work. All I can say is when this economy does turn around companies better be prepared for high employee turnover.

Here are some of my favorite posts/articles from around the web during the month of March:

I found Heidi Reddig's post Human Resources is neither "Human" nor "Resources" on the Collared Sheep to be both entertaining and true. My favorite line is:

HR’s job, as far as it concerns you, the intern or general variety underling, is to provide blank forms, collect forms that have been completed and then process them.

It has been so long since most of us have received a raise, I suggest we all read Ask a Manager's What not to say when you ask for a raise before doing so. Note, saying I just got my masters is on the list of things not to say.

I found it interesting that Syd at Retirement: A Full-Time Job recommends in More on Early Retirement that would be retirees have:

3 years worth of living expenses available in liquid assets so you don't have to be overly concerned about stock market gyrations.  (At least for those of us that will be living on our 401(k)'s rather than a pension.)

Speaking of networking in Solving the Gen Y Woman's Career Problem Rebecca of kontrary reminds us:

The number one thing you can do for career opportunities and advancement (read: dream jobs, meaningful work, more money, better titles) is to network, network, and network. Eighty percent of job openings are filled through networking (you know, actually talking to people).

In Ann Daly's interview with Rashi Biswas the author of Rash Decisions: Accept Where You Are, and Then...Be Amazing, Ann informs us Keith Ferrazzi's book Never Eat Alone (hmm a book about networking) is the best business book she has ever read.

And lastly, as if Ann has been listening to my stories of job disillusionment in the same interview she answers the question:

How do you feel about the current status of women in the workforce?

With:

Women's progress in the workplace has stalled. Thankfully, we're no longer insisting that things are better, or equal. Even younger women are recognizing sooner rather than later that power defaults to the men in the room. We have to remain vigilant about leveling the playing field.

How about you? Are you become disillusioned with your job? Do you have an MBA, if so do you feel it was worth the time and money you invested?

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