Talkin’ Books Tuesdays

Quite some time ago, I came to the conclusion I don’t read enough books in a year to become a full-time book blogger, but I’ve always envisioned writing more posts where I discuss books and reading in general. So I’ve come up with a new feature where I will do just that: “Talkin’ books Tuesdays.”

In this week’s Talkin’ Books Tuesday post I am featuring books I’ve recently added to my TBR list:

Prisoners in the Palace: How Princess Victoria became Queen with the Help of Her Maid, a Reporter, and a Scoundrel by Micheala MacColl.
I've always enjoyed historical fiction, but it was Heather's review at Age 30+...A Lifetime of Books that convinced me I have to read this book. She liked the book so much that she had to learn more about Queen Victoria so she rented the movie The Young Victoria. After the book and the movie she was STILL interested in learning more so she went to the library and got a DVD called Empires: Queen Victoria's Empire. She writes:

So, when a book inspires me to learn more (and more) I feel quite good about that book.  I've already recommended it to a friend who teaches high school - I think her students would be attracted to the cover and would really enjoy the book as well.

How can I pass up a book that has provided so much inspiration?

They Called Themselves the K.K.K.: The Birth of an American Terrorist Group by Susan Campbell Bartoletti
I discovered this book on Rick Librarian's blog. He writes:

While most of the book focuses on the 1860s and 1870s, it retains its relevance, as the Ku Klux Klan and other hate groups have never gone away.

This is the line that convinced me I need to read this book:

Young readers may have difficulty believing that the shocking events described are true. How could our country ever been like this? This is precisely why having such books in school and public library is so important.

I recently came across Must-read Economics a list of favorite economics books provided by Planet Money on NPR. I enjoy a good book list as well as reading books about economics. Naturally, I want to read all of the books on the list, but I've narrowed my choices down to two both written by a woman author:

Adrian Nicole LeBlanc's Random Family: Love, Drugs, Trouble, and Coming of Age in the Bronx
Here is the recommendation by Alex:

One of the best books I read about economics, is a book which on the surface has nothing to do with economics. It's the true story of two girls coming of age in the South Bronx. It's riveting and devastating, and lays out better than anything else I've seen or read how the circumstances into which you're born affect your economic future. I think about it all the time.

And lastly:
Pietra Rivoli’s The Travels of a T-Shirt in the Global Economy: An Economist Examines the Markets, Power, and Politics of World Trade
Chana says:

The book was a huge inspiration for the t-shirt project but also for economic storytelling in general. It’s a completely honest, curious exploration of globalization carried along by a very specific search for the origin of our clothes.

I am Guilty of Gender Bias

This week, representatives from one of the financial institutions my company works with stopped by to introduce Joe our new regional credit manager. My company’s president popped into my office saying:

Do you have a minute? I’d like introduce you to Joe our new rep. He really wants to meet Steve (our CFO), but Steve is busy with the auditors. I told him he will be working mainly with you anyway. Bring a couple of your business cards.

I walked into a conference room full of men and one woman. Our current rep Tim stood up and introduced me to Joe and we traded business cards. Then Joe turned towards the woman introducing her as Heather. I asked her for her card. She shook her head saying she never remembers to bring them and slouched back into her chair. In the past, I worked with both our rep and his assistant Tracey. Tracey and I never really hit it off, so I decided to make an effort with Heather. I turned to her and said, “So you will be assisting Joe?” She responded with, “No, I am Joe and Tim’s boss. I mumbled something like, “I got that wrong.” She smiled taking it all in stride, but I was disappointed in myself.

Why was I disappointed in myself?
My blog project for 2011 is “Making Women Count.” I had just finished reading When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins and had begun Lynn Cronin’s Damned If She Does, Damned If She Doesn't: Rethinking the Rules of the Game That Keep Women from Succeeding in Business reading the chapter “Still Stuck on an Unlevel Playing Field” the previous evening.

Gender bias can be summed up with these points from Ladders.com:
- Half of all managers at US employers are female, yet when it comes to senior posts, men outnumber the women by almost 6 to 1.

- Women who comprise less than half the workforce in a business are also more likely to be pushed toward tasks that are stereotypically feminine, such as support work.

- Given equivalent positions, men are perceived as more influential than women.

So here I am, my head filled with stories of gender bias and I automatically assume the one woman in the room is a man’s assistant. How could I not be disappointed in myself? How can I begin to “Make Women Count” when my own perceptions are biased?

Did appearance make a difference in my perception?
In my interview with Susan Bulkeley Butler, Susan talks about the importance of "packaging." She says:

Within 5-10 seconds, people have a perception of you based on how well you are put together - your confidence, your body language, the way you dress, make eye contact and shake hands and how you walk, sit and listen.

I wonder if Heather had been dressed more professionally (she was wearing a button-down shirt and a pair of khaki pants), had perfect posture and had remembered her business cards if I would have come to a different conclusion. Honestly, I don't think so. I would have assumed she was a nicely dressed assistant. It is interesting to note, Susan’s point is right on; I sized up Heather’s appearance within seconds of meeting her even taking in her hairstyle.

Was there a perceived Gender Bias towards my position?
Absolutely, as I turned to leave the conference room, I heard our President explaining to the group, who were still disappointed they were not introduced to our CFO that 99% of Joe’s contact with our company will be through me. They also didn’t realize I make 99% of the decisions regarding our account with this company. I am sure they assumed I was a support person taking direction from our CFO. Perhaps, gender bias even contributed to Heather's nonchalant behavior towards me.

Final thoughts:
Ladies - we have a lot of work to do, but on a positive note Heather does have a senior level management job in this company.

Interview with Susan Bulkeley Butler

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Susan Bulkeley Butler. Susan is the author of two books Become the CEO of You Inc and Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World which I reviewed here.  In her interview she provides insight and lessons learned from her career as the first female partner of Accenture, a major consulting firm..  While reading her answers, I felt as if I was working with my own personal career coach. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.

What piece of advice or knowledge do you wish you had known at age 18?

Be responsible for who you are and who you want to become. You should be the "CEO of You, Inc." Like managing a company that means managing your life to make sure "You Inc." is successful not just today, but also in the future. You need to invest time in "You Inc." to ensure you are all you can be at every stage in your life and career.

As the CEO of "You Inc.," you need to:

*Develop your aspiration for who you want to be

*Develop your "Board of Directors" - a team to advise you

*Develop your plan to achieve your aspirations and then work your plan.

None of this is necessarily easy, but it puts you in charge of where you are going, with the help of others to provide advice and counsel and a plan to make your future happen rather than let it happen to you.

Additionally, it is important to realize the difference between a job and a career. I had a job for the first four years of my career. I didn't know the difference and I didn't realize the impact until I didn't get my first real promotion. Know the difference. What you do every day helps you build who you are and where you want to be in the future.

What do you consider the biggest obstacle women face in the world today?

Most women have the desire to have children. Therefore, when and how they integrate children with what they hope to achieve for themselves becomes an obstacle. My philosophy is to begin your career with the idea you will be at your employer for the long term (men think we are short timers) and focus on achieving all you can achieve.

When it is time for you to think about starting a family, find role models. Determine how integrated having children with having a career. Two-career families the norm today; the mom who stays at home for her entire life is no longer the norm. And doing everything we do at 110 percent is not possible when you have work, family and a home to manage. Look to others for "best practices," particularly for your career and the roles and responsibilities at home.

Has that obstacle changed over time or does it basically remain the same?

Progress is being made, but women still talk about work/life balance before they are even married, or thinking about starting a family. My philosophy is, make decisions based on the deck of cards you have in your hand today.

When you begin your work life, be committed to your work, determine your aspirations and do the best work you can for your employer. When your deck of cards changes to include a family, rethink your aspirations. Think about how you might continue working less hours and/or from home, with your aspirations dialed back and your shared responsibility for your family. My friends who wrote What Happy Working Mothers Know say that children want their moms to be happy, and that doesn't mean they need to be around 24-7.

In your book Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World, you didn’t discuss physical appearance. One of my biggest regrets is wasting so much time obsessing about my appearance when I was younger. I wish I would have spent this time learning something new and discovering who I was. Do you have any thoughts on the media’s portrayal of women and women’s obsession with appearance?

I am amazed at the percentage of young girls who are obsessed about their appearance at such young ages. According to one study, 42 percent of girls in grades 1-3 want to be thinner. I was heavy as a young girl, but never was obsessed about my weight.

I talk about the importance of "packaging." Think of a product in a store. Sometimes it's the packaging, not just what's inside it, that convinces us it's the right product for us. On the other hand, we might miss getting the product we really need if it's not packaged properly.

Within 5-10 seconds, people have a perception of you based on how well you are put together - your confidence, your body language, the way you dress, make eye contact and shake hands and how you walk, sit and listen.

Packaging, not thinness or beauty, reflects who we are, and who wants to be with us.

What factors do you think contributed to your success at Accenture? Would those same factors be applicable today?

Being a team player, being strategic, working hard, being creative, learning from my mistakes, focusing on the future rather than the past, asking questions, having a point of view, developing members of my team, taking risks, being financially responsible and not being afraid to ask for help.

I had a plan, and others confirmed it. Two partners said, "Susan, you can be a partner and we will help you get there." They mentored me to help develop my skills, package my product, and look and act like a partner, the position I aspired to be in.

Women sometimes believe they need to do everything themselves or it shows weakness. And they believe they will be "tapped" on the shoulder, once people see their good work.

I would rather make things happen for me, rather than let things happen to me.

What has been the best piece of advice you have ever been given?

Create your future and make it happen. This is about putting yourself in the driver's seat of your life; you are in control of the direction you're going instead of just going along for the ride. You are going in the direction you want to go, not the direction somebody else thinks you should go.

What has been the biggest mistake you ever made?

There were times I found myself in situations where I didn't really know what to do next. I had been given an assignment to do, and when I went to my office to do it, I really didn't know where to start. I received an evaluation of my performance which was less than satisfactory and I had no idea why I received it and what I needed to do to change it.

My advice:

Make sure you understand what is being said to you, and don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't understand. Ask for examples of what you need to do. And in the case of changing my evaluation, I should have asked what I needed to do to be better and also if the person would be willing to be on my team to help me make the necessary changes.

Did you ever let them see you cry?

Yes, when I didn't get the promotion that I expected. And I have provided Kleenex to people to use, usually when they got bad news. This was before I and a lot of women in the work force received the message that it "isn't cool to cry." Women are emotional and do need to find a way to let their emotions go. Keeping them inside is not the way. You need mentors and other special friends to talk with when something unexpected happens.

Is there anything else you would like my readers to know about you or your book?

The 100th anniversary of the Women's Right to Vote will be August 26, 2020. To each of your readers, I would ask: How are you going to help bring about equality for all women? Women deserve to be equal partners with men as we continue to make this world better for everyone. We are on this earth for a reason. Everywhere we invest our time, we need to make a difference for our having been there.

Otherwise, why are we here?

Shadeism

Thanks to Webb From the Garden Bench for bringing the issue of shadeism to my attention. In my post My 2011 blog project, I mentioned a six year old girl who felt she wasn't pretty because she didn't curl her hair or wear lip gloss.  In the above documentary a four year old girl already believes white skin is beautiful and is unsatisfied with her own brown skin.  The video was originally posted on Vimeo:

It is an introduction to the issue of shadeism, the discrimination that exists between the lighter-skinned and darker-skinned members of the same community. This documentary short looks specifically at how it affects young women within the African, Caribbean, and South Asian diasporas. Through the eyes and words of 5 young women and 1 little girl - all females of colour - the film takes us into the thoughts and experiences of each. Overall, 'Shadeism' explores where shadeism comes from, how it directly affects us as womyn of colour, and ultimately, begins to explore how we can move forward through dialogue and discussion.

The concept of shadeism isn't new to me. I remember reading about colonialism in the Caribbean and how afterwards lighter-skinned people were rewarded with better employment while those with darker skin had to work in the sugar cane fields. It is even mentioned in my most recent read When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins:

It was hard to avoid noticing that Spelman girls were not only extremely well-behaved; they were also, in general, extremely light-skinned. “The best of all possible worlds is that you are light as you can be, you have green eyes, or light brown, and you have long straight hair,” said Gwen Robinson, who was dark-skinned and who found that the male students from neighboring colleges were cruelly dismissive. (Pg. 136)

I even remember my own paternal grandmother preferring her blond fair-skinned grandchildren over her brown-haired olive skinned grandkids. At the time, I thought it was because the fairer children looked more like her side of the family, but now I believe her preference was due to skin color.  She preferred those who looked German over those who looked French. I also remember her telling me to stay out of the sun; don't tan your beautiful white skin.  

In another disturbing video, A Girl Like Me, a mother and her two daughters eleven and six all use skin lightening creams. As pointed out in the above documentary skin bleaching creams are harmful not only to a person's identity, but their skin. Please see the health threats of unapproved bleaching creams which describes the health and skin problems that may result from using these creams.  And most importantly tells us:

The best approach to be able to avoid the unwanted effects of bleaching creams is actually not to use them when it is not essential. Skin whitening ought to be used solely for skin issues.

How do we move forward?
In Shadeism part 2, Nayani Thiyagarajah suggests the first step is coming together and asking questions along with:

- Sharing stories
- Challenging what has been taught
- Changing our way of thinking

And most importantly:

There is strength in each of us our skin tones included and after centuries of trying to change ourselves, trying to blend in and trying to be accepted the time has come to collectively challenge the idea that beauty comes in only one form.

Also, please see Vivianne's post Shadeism - Unraveling the Color Barrier and read about her experience with shadeism.  She asks, "Why do we do this to ourselves and our children? Isn't there enough to battle against already?" and "Let's stop this now and cut the crap out."

My 2011 Blog Project

It’s a New Year and time for a new blog project. Each year I try to dedicate a series of blog posts to a theme. Previous themes have included Getting my Ducks in a Row  and Getting a Clue.

My 2011 theme is going to be “Making Women Count,” borrowed from Susan Bulkeley Butler’s book Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World. I first became interested in writing a series of blog posts on women when I read Betty Friedan’s book The Feminine Mystique. Friedan had discovered an entire generation of unhappy housewives who were duped into foregoing a career by advertisers and businessmen. They had figured out women will buy more things if they are kept in the underused, nameless yearning, energy-to-get rid of state of being a housewife. I spent the past year attempting to get a clue about how advertisers were able to do this. It was a frustrating year. I read several books mired in examples of advertisements designed to manipulate purchasers. I came to the conclusion, we the viewer of these advertisements, don’t really have a chance. They are everywhere. The last straw came when I read Michelle’s post From the Smartly: Beauty.  Her beautiful six year old daughter thinks she is not pretty because her hair wasn’t curled and she wasn’t wearing blusher and lip gloss in a team picture.

Here are some of the topics I plan on including in my series:

-Women Count for more than their beauty. Explore our cultures preoccupation with weight and beauty.

- Highlight other women who are making a difference.

- Give practical advice on how women can achieve their full potential.

- Read and review books emphasizing strong women or women who have discovered their passion. Study these women as role models and analyze what made them strong.

-Answer women’s questions on work and finance issues.

-Continue to get a clue about health and beauty products. Currently, there seems to be a product or procedure that will fix just about anything. I plan to continue researching what products are genuine and which are scams.

Throughout the year if you come across a blogger who is making a difference, a book related to the above topics or an article pointing out a health, diet or beauty product that is a scam I would appreciate it if you would bring it to my attention. Also, I do enjoy answering your finance and work questions so keep them coming. My email address is savvyworkinggalathotmaildotcom.

Words to remember

If this is the worst thing that happens in life it will be a good life.
-Author Unknown

Trying to remember this as I work through my company’s year-end mess, the tax problem from 2006 still not resolved (not my error) and the phone calls from vendors screaming for money.

TJ’s top songs discovered in 2010

My husband TJ is a passionate music aficionado who is constantly searching for new music. A couple of months ago I assigned him a project: come up with a list of the top ten songs he discovered in 2010. These songs did not have to be from 2010. He played me his list New Year’s Eve. I was so impressed that I am taking a break from my normal blog activity to present to you:

TJ’s top songs discovered in 2010

10. Rosanne Cash Girl From The North Country

This is his all time favorite Dylan song and the best cover of this song he has ever heard. It is so eloquent. He loved it from the first chord.  His favorite line is "Make sure she has a coat so warm."

9.  Sonia Dada Lover, Lover (You Don't Treat Me No Good)
This is a simple bluesy, folk tune sung a cappella. Sonia Dada is a Chicago based rock, soul, rhythm and blues band that has been around for about 20 years. This song from 1995 has interesting male oriented lyrics.   

8.  Van Morrison Someone Like You
TJ first heard this song at a wedding a couple of years ago and knew he had to own it. He didn't get around to purchasing it until 2010. This song touches him both musically and lyrically and can be summed up in one word “Love.”

7.  Sade Kiss Of Life
The girl is back.  Sexy, sultry, smooth and as sensual as ever. 

6. Paul Simon She Moves On 
This song has a South American flair influenced by Brazilian musicians with well-crafted lyrics and a sound that makes you feel good. Just listen to the guitar…

5.  John Mayer Heartbreak Warfare
John Mayer is an artist TJ didn't care for until he heard this song. He prefers the music over the lyrics which can be read here.

4.  Chris Isaak "We Let Her Down"

This is a song that touched TJ's heart both lyrically and musically.  It needs no further explanation.


3.  Bob Marley Redemption Song
TJ has enjoyed Reggae music since visiting the Caribbean on our honeymoon. Listen to the Caribbean influence...
 
2.  Steve Earle Colorado Girl
How folksy can you get. He was surprised a folk song made it this high on his list, since he is normally a rock or alternative guy.

1.  Alejandro Escovedo Anchor
This song has a Texas rockabilly sound that is heavy into guitar. The background vocals are strong and effective. This song was his anchor for the year; it really pulled him in because he's always loved his love.

I hope you've enjoyed TJ's list as much as I did.  I have already given him another assignment: come up with a list of his ten most influential women in music. Due date the end of winter. Watch for it.

Making Women Count

I recently read, Susan Bulkeley Butler's Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World, a little book (only 131 pages long) that has succeeded in changing my thinking about women and equality.

Motivation for reading: I was familiar with Susan Bulkeley Butler's previous book Become the CEO of You Inc and receive her newsletter which is filled with insight and book recommendations. So when I was offered an advance copy of Women Count to review, I happily accepted.

Susan’s background:
Susan Bulkeley Butler was the first female partner of a major consulting firm. Susan has experienced the discrimination women face in the workplace. She has gone from a self-described “man in a skirt” at Accenture to the CEO of the Susan Bulkeley Butler Institute for the Development of Women Leaders, and has used her experiences to write a book that highlights the successes of women in the world. Butler believes in personal responsibility and advocates mentoring as a way to help the next generation of women leaders. Women Count gives examples of how every woman can change the world and how communities can remove obstacles to equality and success.

My thoughts:
Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World is packed with inspiring, eye-opening revelations. Here are some of the major points that resonated with me:

Susan’s explanation of “Women Count:”

For as long as I can remember, the world first ignored, then focused on counting women’s accomplishments. Each time a barrier is broken, another marker is posted along the way.

I experienced this firsthand. In 1965, I became the first professional female employee at Arthur Andersen & Co. Fourteen years later, I was the first woman partner at Andersen Consulting, a division of Arthur Andersen & Co. that became Accenture, one of the world’s largest management consulting, technology services, and outsourcing companies.

Make no doubt about it: The accomplishments of women in recent years are truly astounding and well worth celebrating. But tallying numbers is no longer enough. We’ve done that. It’s no longer enough to count women – it’s time to ensure that we are all women who count. Change our way of thinking. (Pg. 1)

Women Count?
Of course they do, but not like they should in the roles that matter most in today’s world. Consider some numbers:

-Less than 3 percent of the top executives in America’s biggest companies are women.

-Less than 16 percent of the directors of Fortune 500 companies in America are woman.

- Only 17 percent of members of Congress are women. As of early 2010, only six of the nation’s fifty governors are women.

-Four decades after Congress passed the Equal Pay Act; women still earn an average of seventy- eight cents for every one dollar a man earns. (Pg. 9)

Why don’t the numbers add up for Women?

Partly it has to do with basic discrimination that still exists today, despite the introduction of numerous laws over the years. Partly it’s because there aren’t enough women who strive to be CEO’s and members of Boards of Directors and not enough people are mentoring and supporting others to help women reach such heights. Partly it’s because there just aren’t that many of these sorts of positions available, due to lack of turnover. (Pg. 13)

Also, women continue to think about others before themselves.

Susan goes back in history revealing the incredible progress women have made in a relatively short period of time. I was astonished to learn Catherine Littlefield Greene invented the cotton gin. It wasn’t considered proper at the time to hold patents, so she passed her idea along to an aspiring young inventor named Eli Whitney.

To move from being counted to counting, Susan feels every woman has to figure out her own way to make all the disparate pieces of her life add up to success and happiness.

So where do we begin?
We begin by changing our organizations. We must all ensure that women and men are represented equally in our companies, our government and elsewhere. Diversity, we have learned, fosters change.

At first I had difficulty with this point.
Susan suggests that if company leaders promote diversity and increase the ranks of women in their top management, those top managers will in turn promote diversity and women who work for them.

I was skeptical. How is this going to happen? If men hold the majority of leadership positions in our companies what will magically change their way of thinking and persuade them to begin promoting women. I went back and reread the chapter “Change our Organization.” I discovered this is the key to change:

Women need to do more to promote women on our own teams. Be their advocates and help them get the visibility they need. When I ask women why there aren’t more women in the senior ranks of any organization the answer I frequently hear is, “The woman at the top likes being the only woman.” They are not helping others climb the career ladder and join them in leading the organization to new heights. Others say “I did it on my own merit, so others can too.” Actually none of us – women or men –made it to the top on our own. (Pg. 82)

Women need to do more to promote other women. More often than not I hear women backstabbing and gossiping about other women at their company rather than promoting them. I’ve even witnessed women trying to rally male company officers to their side against other women. Believe me this behavior will not lead to men promoting women; no officer male or female wants this kind of drama managing their organization.

I loved Susan’s chapter on community service. Here are her thoughts on why it is important:

Community service makes a difference, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Just like your organization, changing your community changes the world.

I remember when my company first stressed the importance of “giving back.” The idea that stuck with me was that the people in the city where I lived helped make my company profitable and helped pay my salary, so I should support them, too. There was clear incentive to volunteer in the community, because without the community, my company might not exist. I learned the importance of giving back (or as I like to say it, “giving forward”) and making a better place for my having been there. (Pg. 88)

And let’s not forget the international community:

As secretary of State, Hillary Clinton has made women’s rights one of her signature issues. As columnist Ellen Goodman put it: “Clinton’s role is a boon for women around the world.” In her push to improve the social and political status of women, Secretary Clinton says, “Democracy means nothing if half the people can’t vote or it the vote doesn’t count, or if the literacy rate is so low that their vote is in question. The transformation of women’s roles is the last great impediment to universal progress. (Pg. 92)

Susan has inspired me to change my way of giving:
Although we are changing, women typically have had a different giving pattern than men. Since we have a hard time saying “no” to anyone, we have a real tendency to give our money to a lot of organizations and consequently to give smaller amounts of money. And in many cases, we do not consider what we want to see happen as a result of the donation. Men typically do just the opposite giving more to fewer causes and probably saying “no” more often. (Pg. 94)

This is true in my household. I have no giving plan, my donations consist of contributing small dollar amounts to every request I receive from friends and colleagues throughout the year. My husband on the other hand has three causes he is passionate about and concentrates all of his giving on those causes. When he receives additional donation requests he simply says, “No, I concentrate my donation dollars on X, Y and Z.” And doesn’t feel guilty or look back.

Bottom line: Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World is packed with information and guidelines guaranteed to motivate you to change your own thoughts and behavior. Butler gives numerous examples and inspiring stories to get you started. In addition, to recommending books throughout Women Count she includes a guide for further reading at the end.

I am going to close by quoting her final paragraphs:

But remember that as long as we dream big, beginning with the end in mind; take our teams along with us, mentoring others along the way; make and follow our plans; and navigate our way to a successful outcome, every one of us will be a woman who make a difference.  We will be women who count.

And together, we will change the world. (Pg. 124)

What to do for those who have lost a child?

I mentioned in a previous post that my husband’s brother died in a drowning accident at the age of 24. His birthday was Christmas day. Needless to say after the accident, Christmas was no longer a joyous holiday for my husband’s family. His mother would take to her bed a few days before Christmas and not come out of her room until after the festivities were over. This changed after she had grandchildren, but I’m sure there was never a Christmas where her beloved first born was not far from her thoughts.

A couple of years ago, I met a woman at the gym who had recently adopted a little girl. We were talking about her new daughter when she mentioned she had had a son. He had died in a drunken driving accident when he was 18. And yes, he had been the drunk driver crashing his truck into a tree. The woman began crying, telling me after five years she still has a hard time coping with her loss. We stood in the parking lot talking for some time as I told her about my husband’s brother and how difficult it also had been for my mother-in-law to cope with her loss.

This woman has since adopted another child and no longer comes to my gym, but her friends talk about her. They say things like it’s time she “moves on.” And they tell me how she still travels out of town for the week of her son’s birthday leaving her two adopted children with sitters. They think she should spend this week volunteering for “Mothers Against Drunk Driving.” They say things like, this woman’s son is really not her adopted children’s brother and by continuing to carry on about him she is ruining their childhood.

I thought of this woman, my mother-in-law and the other women I know who have lost a child as I read this Dear Abby column. A mother who lost a daughter two years ago wrote a letter of advice to Dear Abby for all the wonderful people who asked her two years earlier, “What can I do for you?”

She tells us:

Accept me for who I am now. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never “get over it” to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways – I think – better, I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of “anything I can do” and, please, accept me as I am now.

Enough said.

Mom worried about son's startup business

Margo writes:
My 23 year old son has been running a small computer consulting business out of my home for the past two years. He’s recently decided he needs a store front and has rented office space (at a good rate) with a grand opening scheduled for January 3rd. He doesn't have a business plan, a seller's permit, hasn't checked into sales tax laws, doesn't have a business checking account and pays his one employee with cash. I am not sure if his business is an LLC. When I ask him about these items he says don’t worry mom I’ve got it covered or it doesn’t apply to me. I'm so stressed out about this I’m not sleeping. How critical is it to have these items in place by January 3rd? The accountant at my place of employment says he probably has a year before the IRS catches up with him.

First this is exciting. Most new businesses are started by young people in their mid-20’s to mid-30’s. Also, starting a business during an economic downturn can be cost effective. Your son is getting a good deal on rent and most likely other items he needs to open his store.

Your question does however remind me of a Zen proverb:

In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities. In the expert's mind there are few.

It is illegal for your son to provide services that are subject to sales tax without having a sales tax permit. Computer services are a taxable service. The cost for a sales tax permit is $25 in Wisconsin and he can apply online.

It is also illegal to pay an employee or independent contractor without completing the proper tax filings. Your son needs to pay payroll taxes and workers compensation, etc if his worker is truly an employee. If his worker is an independent contractor he needs to issue a 1099 at the end of the year. He should make an appointment with an expert to discuss these items.

A business plan is helpful, but not critical or a business breaker.

His company doesn't need to be an LLC; he can operate as a sole proprietor which doesn't require any registration. If he decides to become an LLC at a later date he can do so.

Without a business checking account he may have difficulty depositing checks written out to his business name into his personal account OR people may be uneasy about writing a check to him personally at his business store front for business services. Plus if he doesn't keep his business transactions separate from his personal transactions right from the beginning, he's asking for a huge headache/mess at the end of the year when he needs to prepare his taxes.

I asked one of my tax preparing colleagues if she has seen small businesses that were not set up properly in the beginning and what the repercussions were. Yes, she's seen this before and these companies end up paying more in the end when it all catches up to them. Like four times as much because of penalties, errors, accounting fees, interest, etc.

So my advice:
You need to encourage your son to sit down with an expert NOW to discuss the above items. He should strive to run his new store as professionally as possible; his reputation is at stake as well as his pocket book. He can get free online and in-person business counseling, mentoring, training and advice at SCORE a nonprofit association made up of over 13,000 volunteer mentors dedicated to educating entrepreneurs.  He can find an office in his area here.

One more thing, I recommend that you don't co-sign any rental agreements or business loans.

Can reading a book transform you or your business from good to great?

I initially became skeptical of business and management guru advice books, when I read Tom Aranow’s article "Paradigm of Management Fads" in Corporate Reports Wisconsin.

In the article, Aranow points out really good managers have always pursued lean operations and were doing so long before “Lean Manufacturing” became a popular consulting product. He writes:

It’s not that the great management fads haven’t been productive. Each can provide ways of working with and through issues that improve productivity and quality but none is a panacea or formula that will make any company shine.

What executives may be overlooking is that all of these fads are really examples of marketing phenomena in which intelligent authors have captured the essence of what good managers do every day and they’ve packaged them up for distribution and general consumption by departments, like the “TQM” departments that have adopted their brand names.

His concern is that each one of these may be a substitute for the incisive management thinking that leads to the development of high quality solutions custom designed for their best applications.

Aranow's article brought to mind the must-read business and advice books I’ve attempted reading in the past, but didn't finish:

Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. I’ve tried reading this one twice.

David Allen's Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. I attempted to read this for Trent at The Simple Dollar's book club read-a-long.

Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I wanted to learn what all the fuss was about.

I’ve since come to the conclusion, business advice books are similar to dieting; if I am not 100% committed to changing my behavior I will lose interest along the way.

Then there is Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson which was touted as the must-read business book of the year this past summer. My initial thought upon finishing the book was:

Did I read the right book?

The book was written for a startup or starters (as the authors call them). Fried and Hansson provide advice they gleaned from running 37signals their successful startup company. I thought their ideas were nothing new and sounded good in theory, but wondered whether they'd work when implemented in the real world.

Which brings me to my latest read, David H. Freedman's book Wrong: Why experts* keep failing us--and how to know when not to trust them *Scientists, finance wizards, doctors, relationship gurus, celebrity CEOs, ... consultants, health officials and more. This book is based on the premise that most of the expert advice we receive – from scientists, doctors, economists, media experts, management gurus and others is wrong and misleading. The chapter “Experts and Organizations" helped me hone in on my skepticism of books written by business and manager gurus.

Freedman informs us major business movement books fit into one of two templates:

1. The authors place a number of winning companies or CEOs under a microscope, distilling what management principles these role models follow that losers don’t.

Examples include:
In Search of Excellence by Thomas Peters and Robert Waterman

Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... and Others Don't by Jim Collins

First, Break All the Rules: What the World's Greatest Managers Do Differently by consultants and motivational speakers Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman

The Breakthrough Company: How Everyday Companies Become Extraordinary Performers by Harvard business professor Keith McFarland

Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else by journalist Geoff Colvin

2. The second template relies on authors who have observed or derived a new strategy, trend or management technique that will determine which businesses will succeed in the coming years, showing how winning companies are already taking advantage of the new thinking.

Examples include:
Competing on Analytics: The New Science of Winning by the consultant and Babson College business professor Thomas Davenport and the Accenture researcher Jeanne G. Harris, who tell us the future winners will be those who do a better job wringing insight from data.

The World Is Flat 3.0: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century by the journalist Thomas Friedman, who insists that winners will be those who most effectively globalize.

Wikinomics: How Mass Collaboration Changes Everything by the consultants Don Tapscott and Anthony D. Williams, who reveal that winning is tied to the wisdom of crowds.

The Future of Management by the London Business School professor and consultant Gary Hamel and the journalist Bill Breen who explain that winners will shed conventional management hierarchy.

Freedman concludes his findings by saying:

Unfortunately, as with weight loss and politics there is a vast sea of ideas pointing in all sorts of different directions for solutions to the same basic problems. They can’t all be right, and even if they could how can you tell which advice best applies to your company? Pg 128.

The bottom line is found in his interview with Jerker Denrell, a professor at Stanford’s business school who specializes in studying how business wisdom goes astray:

There is too much randomness in business success. Even if you identify the right companies and study them closely, you can’t figure out how to be like them. Pg 145.

I must say I was surprised to see one of my favorite business books of all time Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... and Others Don't listed as one of Freedman’s main offenders. Jerker Denrell is quoted as saying:

It isn’t a good book because most companies don’t even do simple things well, like accounting. A better book would be Incompetent to Okay. But if you’re in academia, you won’t seem very interesting saying that sort of thing, and if you’re a consultant, you can’t make money off it.

So what is a small businessperson or manager wannabe who likes to have a thought provoking book on their bedside table to do?

Freedman mentions another subgenre that has sprung up within business publishing called business-literature summarizing books. You could read one of these. Examples include:

Guide to Management Ideas and Gurus (The Economist) by Tim Hindle

Entrepreneurial Excellence: Profit from the Best Ideas of the Experts by Richard J. Goossen

In conclusion, I wouldn’t discount all advice business books entirely, but it is important to remember a book is one person's opinion and their advice may not hold true for every company or every situation. In addition to business literature summarizing books, my favorite librarian suggests reading the top ten best-sellers of the previous year paying attention to the best idea from each book. Or better yet check out one of the books on 10 Overrated Business Books (and What to Read Instead) a list compiled by Geoffrey James.

It is fun to note, he includes In Search of Excellence by Thomas Peters and Robert Waterman as an overrated book. He suggests reading The Dilbert Principle by Scott Adams instead.

Why: You’ll know exactly why “excellent” companies go smack down the toilet.

Also included as overrated is Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. What to read instead: The Prince  by Niccolo Machiavelli

Why: It will provide you with the precise moral foundation you’ll need to be successful on the corporate ladder.

Who Moved My Cheese?: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life by Spencer Johnson a book given to my husband by an outplacement company when he was laid off from his previous job also is overrated.

How to Lie with Statistics by Darrell Huff is the book to read instead.

Why: If you want to read a short book, this one will open your eyes. You’ll never look at a corporate presentation – or the evening news – exactly the same way again.

What do you think? Can a book transform you or your company from good to great? What business books have you found to be overrated? Or do you have a business book recommendation that belongs on everyone's nightstand?

Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life" and Jealousy

Motivation for reading:
I added Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life to my reading list when Kim from Sophisticated Dorkiness mentioned it in her post Happy Birthday, Anne Lamott. She had read it during a creative nonfiction class as a way to learn how to write narrative essays without getting bogged down. I decided I needed to read this book now when Kim included Anne Lamott on her list of 15 novelists who've influenced her because of this book.

What is the book about?
Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life is a memoir Lamott has written based on lessons she learned over the years working as a writer and teacher of a writing class. She provides advice on the craft of writing as well as humorous antidotes about life especially the life of a writer.

My thoughts:
I’ve read other books on writing: Steven King’s On Writing and Brenda Ueland’s If You Want To Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit,but this book is so much more than a book on writing. Individual readers will be influenced by different sections of the book based on their life experiences. The first half of the book concentrates on the writing process. She covers “Shitty First Drafts,” plot and set design. She also writes about the emotional side of writing; writer’s block, discouraging voices, and loneliness. She encourages writers to dig deeper to find their own voice. Since I am not a creative fiction writer I skimmed the chapters on character and dialogue, but her writings about life were exceptional. Her essay on jealousy is the best writing on the subject I’ve ever read.

Everyone who has been hit with the green-eyed-monster will relate to this chapter. I think jealousy has become more prevalent during the recession. Some of us have done everything right; we've earned a college degree, have a good work ethic, even have relevant work experience, but can't get a job interview while our less experienced friend snags their dream job. It’s hard not to become jealous when we are stuck in a job we can’t stand or worse yet remain unemployed.  

Anne writes:

Jealousy is such a direct attack on whatever measure of confidence you’ve been able to muster. But if you continue to write, you are probably going to have to deal with it, because some wonderful, dazzling successes are going to happen for some of the most awful, angry, undeserving writers you know—people who are, in other words, not you. Pg 122.

And I, who have been the Leona Helmsley of jealousy, have come to believe that the only things that help ease or transform it are (a) getting older, (b) talking about it until the fever breaks, and (c) using it as material. Also, someone along the way is going to make you start laughing about it, and then you will be on your way home. Pg 124.

My therapist said that jealousy is a secondary emotion that is born out of feeling excluded and deprived, and that if I worked through age old feelings I would probably break through the jealousy. She said this other writer was in my life to heal my past. She said the writer had helped bring up a lifetimes worth of feeling that other families had some owner’s manual to go by. She said it was once again comparing my insides to other people’s outsides. Go ahead and feel the feelings. Pg 126.

This quote on reading and writing is my favorite quote from the book:

Because of the spirit, I say. Because of the heart. Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen and widen and expand our sense of life: they feed the soul. When writers make us shake our heads with the exactness of their prose and their truths, and even make us laugh about ourselves or life, our buoyancy is restored. We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It’s like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can’t stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship. Pg 237.

Bottom line: I want to own a copy of this book. I believe it is a book I could read again and again taking away something different with each reading.

Difficult Co-workers, Supervisors & Managers

This week while dining out with friends I had an epiphany moment; I realized previous, “girl’s night out” conversations tended to focus on how to find a boyfriend, difficult boyfriends and quirky husbands. We would ruminate over whether we should stay in or leave a particular relationship. I’m not sure if it is a sign of the times or if it’s because we are a little bit older and happily married, but the focus of this week’s conversation was how to find a new job and the challenges of working with difficult co-workers, supervisors and quirky managers. The question of the night was should we stay or leave a particular job. We came to the conclusion we are all happy to have a job and it is impossible to change our co-workers/managers, so we need to either accept these people the way they are and learn how to work with them or leave.

It appears many of my blog readers also have issues with the people they work with. According to my blog stats, “Working with a difficult co-worker, supervisor or manager,” I hate my supervisor,” Manipulative co-workers,” and “ A personal attack at work” are all popular searches bringing traffic to my blog. I’ve written about all of these topics in the past and have decided to create a “difficult co-workers post” linking all of my previous posts covering these topics. I am also including links from other blogs and book recommendations I have found helpful.

My posts:
Alyssa's new supervisor tries to get her fired in I hate my supervisor. She asks me if she should continue to endure her supervisor's abuse or return to her old job which is less prestigious.

I wrote about how things turned out for Alyssa in an Update to I hate my supervisor. 
 
In A personal attack at work, I write about my HR manager personally attacking me.
 
Here are my experiences Working with a Master Manipulator.
 
In Verbal Judo Communication I try to assist a reader who is having difficulty communicating with her manager by providing tips from George Thompson's book Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion.

In Moving on after a personal attack by a co-worker a reader asks just that, "How to move on after a personal attack by a co-worker."

Here are some of my favorite posts dealing with difficult co-workers written by other bloggers:
 
Penelope Trunk's post Do you have a good job? Take the test helped me realize maybe my job isn't so bad after all. Sometimes the crappiest job isn’t bad when your co-workers are your friends. 

Suzanne Lucas of "Evil HR Lady" has written before about working with bullies. In Petty Tyrant she links all of her workplace bully posts onto one.

Anita Bruzzese's post Five ways to handle being personally attacked at work is the post I read shortly before my own personal attack at work. This post became a life-saver in the days following my attack.

If you are like me and can't think quickly on your feet you need to read Anita's Learn to handle verbal smackdowns. She provides tips to help us respond to snide comments from colleagues.
 
Miss Minchin’s post Workplace dangers - manipulate people helped me understand what the motivation was behind the master manipulator I work with.
 
Books mentioned in the above posts:
For a good book dealing with jerks in the workplace, check out Robert Sutton's The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving.
 
George Thompson's book Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion was recommended by my favorite librarian.  He attended an entire seminar on this book; apparently library patrons can be just as difficult to work with as co-workers.

Megan Hustad's How to Be Useful: A Beginner's Guide to Not Hating Work.  In addition to providing ways to make work not suck, she provides the most helpful networking tips I've ever read.

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon, Jr., Ph. D. is a useful guide to help identify tactics used by manipulators. Once you recognize their tactics you can change the game and control the outcome.

Comebacks at Work: Using Conversation to Master Confrontation by Kathleen Kelley Reardon and Christopher T. Noblet offers advice for handling difficult conversations. This is the book Anita Bruzzese sites in her post Learn to handle verbal smackdowns.

If you have a book or blog post you've found helpful in dealing with "Difficult co-workers" let me know; I'd be happy to add a link.