Moving on after a personal attack by co-worker

A reader writes:

I recently had a personal attack made on my by an equal co-worker.  Here is what she said:

"I’ve never been addressed verbally or in writing so belligerently and unprofessionally in my life. You disgrace this company. If you want to talk to me, as a civil professional, you know my number."

I did not respond to the attack but did get my manager engaged, she disagreed with the comments made against me and told me I am one of her best professional, most ethical people on her team that I am a well respected employee and so on.  She apologized for not paying closer attention to the emailed verbal attack.

There was a meeting with my co-worker, manager and HR representative, where the co-worker was to apologize. While she used the word "apology", I felt she did not apologize for the personal attack.

How do I get pass the lack of ownership, or is that these attacks are really not about the person attacked but the person's own attack on their situation? I really need to understand this and I have been told I must continue to work with her. I have indicated that I am a professional person and will do so but I am struggling with the lack of ownership for the attack on me.

I realized today, I may need professional help to get past this attack. Any information would be most helpful.

First, let’s look at the situation. Your manager clearly disagrees with your co-worker’s comments and considers you one of the most valuable members of her team. She apologized for not paying closer attention to your co-worker’s email (it sounds as though she didn’t take your co-workers comments seriously). Once she realized how hurtful it was to you, she arranged a meeting with the two of you and HR. Your co-worker then gave a half-hearted coerced apology.

You are correct the co-worker’s attack isn’t about you it is about her. All you did was point out she made a mistake and she went berserk and attacked your character. She most likely is not capable of giving a real apology.

In my own personal attack with my company’s HR manager I wrote about here she never apologized either. As you may recall, she told me I was the weakest manager our company had. What bothered me was not that she never apologized, but that she actually believed I was a weak manager. It took me almost a year to recover from that statement. I even questioned whether I should stay in management or look for a job as a financial analyst. There were times when I too felt I should talk to a professional.

What I did do that was helpful and made me stronger in the long run:

Like you, I talked to management and several co-workers about my situation. I received positive feedback and was told by our company’s chairman that I was actually one of our company’s strongest managers. Throughout the year I consulted with my boss and a trusted manager of another department about how to interact with her.

I worked out a lot - at least three times a week. It helped me keep a clear head and allowed me to sleep better so I could focus on my work the next day.

I kept a self-discovery journal. Each day I wrote down three positive thoughts or occurrences from the day. At the end of the week I reviewed the week’s entries and wrote a small paragraph about what I’d learned about myself that week. I did this faithfully for over a year and still enjoy going back and reading those entries.

The act of writing. Before this happened I hadn’t realized how healing writing could be. Not only writing in my journal, but also writing on my blog and commenting on other blogs as well. I wrote not only about my personal attack, but on many other topics as well. It was a nice diversion to think about something else and I was continuously surprised and amazed how supportive and knowledgeable the blogging community is.

I continued to be active in my professional organization volunteering for leadership positions. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone; making cold calls and speaking in public. All of this (even stammering a tad speaking in public) allowed me to be a stronger person in the end. Now a year and a half later, it is easier for me to recognize when someone says or acts in a way that is more about them than me. Instead of internalizing their negative actions and words I now think wow they must be in a bad place.

So my best advice to you is to maintain your focus on your job and continue with your personal standards of courtesy, decency and professionalism. Do whatever it takes to keep a clear head: work-out, talk to a trusted friend, go see funny movies, make an appointment to talk to a professional. The fact that your co-worker is a jerk has nothing to do with you. She will be that way whether you work with her or not. Good luck!

I answered the above reader’s question based on my own personal experience. If anyone has additional advice or comments please chime in.

A brief interlude during unsettling times

It has been an unsettling couple of months at my place of employment. My company’s success is dependent on the construction industry which has been decimated by the recession. Last year, two separate rounds of pay-cuts, layoffs and expense reductions were implemented. I wrote about them here and here. Our company’s 2010 budget was prepared with the anticipation of Obama’s stimulus monies kicking in mid-year; just in time to pull us out of this recession. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Two months ago, after draining the company’s life insurance policies of all eligible borrowings I asked my boss, “What is plan B?” I thought he was holding back when he said, “There isn’t one.”

He wasn’t holding back. There wasn't a plan B. Instead I’ve had to endure two months of meetings in which every possible scenario has been tossed around. I never would have anticipated how political and dysfunctional this process would become. Managers and employees alike are pouting; pointing fingers, saying things like, “I’ll fire so & so if you get rid of Bob.” “I’ll get rid of Bob if you reduce Susie’s hours she can’t possibly have anything to do.” “I can’t reduce Susie’s hours she is a single mom” (plus she is my girlfriend)… Then there is Mary the receptionist who refuses to answer the phone when Susie is at her desk because she doesn’t think she has to and on and on and on….

Thursday, I was told I needed to eliminate a position in my department. I had until the Tuesday after Labor Day to decide who. I and my boss would be responsible for doing this person’s work. (While I was on vacation in early August our HR manager the FOB (friend of the boss) took my place in these meetings and I haven’t been invited back). I flat out refused. I offered to reduce everyone’s hours to 32, but no way am I eliminating another position. This is ridiculous all three of the employees in my department are busy. Despite sales being down, payroll checks still need to be issued, cash and sales need to be posted and bills need to be paid not to mention the hundreds of collection calls we need to respond to each week.

I started a job search…but I’m not too hopeful. My friend Jess says it will be impossible to find a new job in this economy. Last week, I sent out two resumes. One turned out to be a scam. The other is looking for someone with five years of public accounting experience which I don’t have, so I probably don’t have much of a chance. The other interesting jobs I’ve seen are for contract positions. Next week I’m meeting with a recruiter. Jess has advice on this as well, “Good Luck! I met with him years ago and the only thing he did for me was make me feel small. He said things like, “I see you don’t have this and I see you don’t have that.”

Friday morning I was up early feeling guilty for refusing to let an employee go. I started thinking maybe I should reconsider. Plus, I knew our HR manager was firing (not laying off actually firing) someone on Friday; a six year employee who has repeatedly been warned about his sloppy paperwork. He has a wife who doesn’t work; a one year old and a baby on the way. In addition, he incurred an enormous amount of medical debt when a daughter who didn’t make it was born premature two years ago. I couldn’t help thinking do they have to. I’m not familiar with this employee’s work, but I can’t imagine it is so terrible they have to fire him. And why didn’t he try to improve.

Then while driving in I heard this song on the radio: Michael Franti’s, “Sound of Sunshine” and for a moment, one brief moment, I experienced an interlude from all the drama. Enjoy:

Exposing unethical marketing tactics

One thing I know for sure is there are companies out there who will do or say whatever it takes to get you to buy their products. Some of the more unscrupulous tactics include intentionally misleading customers and out right lying. Work-at-home schemes requiring “employees” pay upfront money and free credit reports come to mind; you do know Freecreditreport.com is not really free don’t you.

The good news is we can now research bogus claims on the internet before parting with our hard-earned cash. If you don’t feel comfortable with a particular sales pitch or a claim sounds too good to be true research the product before signing on the dotted line. You will be amazed what you can learn with just a few clicks on the internet. Clark Howard frequently recommends callers check EBAY for current prices of get rich quick training materials* many of which cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars initially can now be found on EBAY selling for just pennies on the dollar.

Speaking of exposing the truth about marketing scams I would like to send a huge shout out to Lazy Man and Money for blogging about MonaVie. If you’ve ever questioned the power of blogging you have to read his story. He created so much negative buzz with his MonaVie Scam? site he received a threatening email from someone associated with MonaVie attempting to blackmail him into taking it down.

I must say I had never heard of this product until earlier this week when I received a tweet informing me of the threats made against Lazy Man and Money.

According to Wikipedia:

MonaVie is a beverage company distributing products made from blended fruit juice concentrates with freeze-dried açaí powder and purée through a multi-level marketing (MLM) business model.

Here is Lazy Man and Money's story:

He first became interested in MonaVie when his wife received a sales pitch to buy two bottles, at nearly $100, and potentially become a distributor.

He writes:

It was a perfect article for Lazy Man and Money. After a couple of hours of research I asked my readers “Is MonaVie a Scam?” It turns out that MonaVie is a very controversial subject. People who were very positive about MonaVie and people who were very much against MonaVie started commenting back and forth. The back and forth continues today, two years later with over 4,000 comments on the article.

Somewhere early in this discussion, I found myself agreeing with the people who were against MonaVie. Those people backed up their arguments logically and they were unbiased — they had nothing to gain by being anti-MonaVie. However, it was the pro-MonaVie people who really swayed me. They made bad claims that they couldn’t back up. Worse, they made illegal health claims like MonaVie could help with a number of diseases.

I started to feel bad that all this great information was being buried in the comments, so I started MonaVie Scam, a site devoted to spreading all that great information.

With so much information out there it is hard to determine who we should believe, but as Lazy Man and Money writes:

If MonaVie was really a quality product or quality company they'd openly debate the topics on my website.

And if the product really was the miracle juice it claimed to be the product would have become popular despite shady marketing tactics.

My favorite line of the story is:

So while I'd love to take credit, it's quite possible that people realized it's not very wise to spend $5000 a year on juice. And they probably also figured out it isn't worth spending another few thousand on tools and going to conferences to join a business that pays minimum wage (see MonaVie's income disclosure statement) for 85% of the distributors who are fortunate enough to make a dime at all.

Bottom line buyer beware; question everything, do your research and continue to inform others by creating blog posts and writing comments exposing unscrupulous marketing schemes.

*To read more about "get rich quick sales pitches” see my post: Where is the real money made?

Don't panic over 2011 tax hikes

Have you received the tax hike email that has been making the rounds? My in-box both at work and at home has been flooded with it. It is a good example of the type of propaganda I am trying to expose in my “Getting a Clue series” where I attempt to keep others from being manipulated by politicians, the media and marketing scams. I am providing the email in its entirety below, so you can read what I’m talking about.*

My friend and colleague Sue, who is a tax professional, also received the email and sent a cautionary rebuttal to all of the recipients. She feels there is value in reading it, but encourages us to look further into things. She says,

“Although some of the issues discussed are fact already, the vast majority are misinterpretations of proposals being made within Congress (and not yet law) and exaggerations coupled with only half-truths.”

The purpose of the email is to get our attention so we vote accordingly in the elections in November. After reading the email in its entirety, I don’t have the energy to dissect it line by line. All I can say is, “Don’t Panic.” Or as Sue said:

Wait until the bozos in Washington get their act together and decide what exactly is going to be our fate for 2011, because from all indications, they have decided practically nothing at this time.

“There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.”
- Alfred Hitchcock

One of the emails I received began with:

Starting in 2011… yes tax hikes starting when:
- unemployment is still 10%
- very low GDP growth
- interest rates at 0 (feds out of bullets)
- real estate still down
- market still down
Great time to raise taxes??? I think not... and don’t tell me you don’t have time to read this. =0)

-Here is the email:
In just six months, the largest tax hikes in the history of America will take effect. They will hit families and small businesses in three great waves on January 1, 2011:
First Wave:
Expiration of 2001 and 2003 Tax Relief
In 2001 and 2003, the GOP Congress enacted several tax cuts for investors, small business owners, and families.

These will all expire on January 1, 2011:
Personal income tax rates will rise. The top income tax rate will rise from 35 to 39.6 percent (this is also the rate at which two-thirds of small business profits are taxed).
The lowest rate will rise from 10 to 15 percent.
All the rates in between will also rise.
Itemized deductions and personal exemptions will again phase out, which has the same mathematical effect as higher marginal tax rates. The full list of marginal rate hikes is below:

- The 10% bracket rises to an expanded 15%
- The 25% bracket rises to 28%
- The 28% bracket rises to 31%
- The 33% bracket rises to 36%
- The 35% bracket rises to 39.6%

Higher taxes on marriage and family. The“marriage penalty” (narrower tax brackets for married couples) will return from the first dollar of income.
The child tax credit will be cut in half from $1000 to $500 per child.
The standard deduction will no longer be doubled for married couples relative to the single level.
The dependent care and adoption tax credits will be cut.

The return of the Death Tax.
This year, there is no death tax. For those dying on or after January 1 2011, there is a 55 percent top death tax rate on estates over $1 million. A person leaving behind two homes and a retirement account could easily pass along a death tax bill to their loved ones.

Higher tax rates on savers and investors.
The capital gains tax will rise from 15 percent this year to 20 percent in 2011.
The dividends tax will rise from 15 percent this year to 39.6 percent in 2011.
These rates will rise another 3.8 percent in 2013.

Second Wave:
Obamacare
There are over twenty new or higher taxes in Obamacare. Several will first go into effect on January 1, 2011.
They include:
The “Medicine Cabinet Tax”
Thanks to Obamacare, Americans will no longer be able to use health savings account (HSA), flexible spending account (FSA), or health reimbursement (HRA) pre-tax dollars to purchase non-prescription, over-the-counter medicines (except insulin).

The “Special Needs Kids Tax”
This provision of Obamacare imposes a cap on flexible spending accounts (FSAs) of $2500 (Currently, there is no federal government limit). There is one group of FSA owners for whom this new cap will be particularly cruel and onerous: parents of special needs children. There are thousands of families with special needs children in the United States , and many of them use FSAs to pay for special needs education. Tuition rates at one leading school that teaches special needs children in Washington, D.C. (National Child Research Center) can easily exceed $14,000 per year. Under tax rules, FSA dollars can not be used to pay for this type of special needs education.

The HSA Withdrawal Tax Hike.
This provision of Obamacare increases the additional tax on non-medical early withdrawals from an HSA from 10 to 20 percent, disadvantaging them relative to IRAs and other tax-advantaged accounts, which remain at 10 percent.

Third Wave:
The Alternative Minimum Tax and Employer Tax Hikes
When Americans prepare to file their tax returns in January of 2011, they’ll be in for a nasty surprise—the AMT won’t be held harmless, and many tax relief provisions will have expired.

The major items include:
The AMT will ensnare over 28 million families, up from 4 million last year.
According to the left-leaning Tax Policy Center, Congress’ failure to index the AMT will lead to an explosion of AMT taxpaying families—rising from 4 million last year to 28.5 million. These families will have to calculate their tax burdens twice, and pay taxes at the higher level. The AMT was created in 1969 to ensnare a handful of taxpayers.

Small business expensing will be slashed and 50% expensing will disappear.
Small businesses can normally expense (rather than slowly-deduct, or “depreciate”) equipment purchases up to $250,000. This will be cut all the way down to $25,000. Larger businesses can expense half of their purchases of equipment. In January of 2011, all of it will have to be “depreciated.”

Taxes will be raised on all types of businesses.
There are literally scores of tax hikes on business that will take place. The biggest is the loss of the “research and experimentation tax credit,” but there are many, many others. Combining high marginal tax rates with the loss of this tax relief will cost jobs.

Tax Benefits for Education and Teaching Reduced.
The deduction for tuition and fees will not be available. Tax credits for education will be limited. Teachers will no longer be able to deduct classroom expenses. Coverdell Education Savings Accounts will be cut. Employer-provided educational assistance is curtailed. The student loan interest deduction will be disallowed for hundreds of thousands of families.

Charitable Contributions from IRAs no longer allowed.
Under current law, a retired person with an IRA can contribute up to $100,000 per year directly to a charity from their IRA. This contribution also counts toward an annual “required minimum distribution.” This ability will no longer be there.

PDF Version Read more: http://www.atr.org/six-months-untilbr-largest-tax-hikes-a5171#%23ixzz0sY8waPq1

Now your insurance is INCOME on your W2's......
One of the surprises we'll find come next year, is what follows - - a little "surprise" that 99% of us had no idea was included in the "new and improved" healthcare legislation . . . the dupes, er, dopes, who backed this administration will be astonished!

Starting in 2011, (next year folks), your W-2 tax form sent by your employer will be increased to show the value of whatever health insurance you are given by the company. It does not matter if that's a private concern or governmental body of some sort. If you're retired? So what; your gross will go up by the amount of insurance you get. You will be required to pay taxes on a large sum of money that you have never seen. Take your tax form you just finished and see what $15,000 or $20,000 additional gross does to your tax debt. That's what you'll pay next year. For many, it also puts you into a new higher bracket so it's even worse.

This is how the government is going to buy insurance for the15% that don't have insurance and it's only part of the tax increases. Not believing this??? Here is a research of the summaries.....

On page 25 of 29: TITLE IX REVENUE

PROVISIONS- SUBTITLE A: REVENUE OFFSET PROVISIONS-(sec. 9001, as modified by sec. 10901) Sec.9002 "requires employers to include in the W-2 form of each employee the aggregate cost of applicable employer sponsored group health coverage that is excludable from the employees gross income."

Joan Pryde is the senior tax editor for the Kiplinger letters.

Go to Kiplingers and read about 13 tax changes that could affect you. Number 3 is what is above.

Why am I sending you this? The same reason I hope you forward this to every single person in your address book. People have the right to know the truth because an election is coming in November.

I’m under 50 do I still need an annual mammogram?

In November 2009, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) issued new guidelines for breast cancer screening. These guidelines recommend against self-breast exams, mammography and clinical breast exams for women ages 40-49 and over 75. This is different from the American Cancer Society's long-standing position that women should begin receiving mammogram screenings starting at age 40. This recommendation also comes despite evidence proving the death rate from breast cancer decreased 30-40% since the onset of regular mammography screening in 1990.

What was the Task Force rationale?
The harms of mammography including discomfort, anxiety and possible overtreatment outweigh the marked reduction in the death rate resulting from regular screening.

Many women are now confused and asking the question,

“I’m under 40 do I still need an annual mammogram?”

Earlier this year, I lost Judy, a dear friend and colleague, to cancer. She was 49. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer at age 42 when an abnormal mass was detected during her annual mammogram screening. Her reoccurrence came at age 47.

A few years ago, I asked Judy to give a presentation to my professional organization on a business related topic. She agreed to do so with one condition; she would be allowed to mention she was a breast cancer survivor and encourage every member to begin annual mammogram screenings at age 40.

This one is for you Judy:

While digital mammography is not perfect, it is currently the best tool available to detect breast cancer. Ignore the task force and continue scheduling annual mammograms every year beginning at age 40.

What ramifications will debt write-off have on credit score?

George heard a debt settlement advertisement on his way to work claiming he could,

“Pay just 50% of what he owed."

Currently he owes $16,000 in credit card debt most of which was charged by his wife who he says is terrible with money.* He is tired of paying her debt and would love to have half of it written off. George called the debt settlement company and was told for an upfront fee plus 18% of the balance written off they would negotiate a settlement. His question for me was what effects if any would the debt written-off have on his credit score?

Let start with ~ How does a debt settlement company work?
George has been making his monthly credit card payments on time and is current on all his other debts. As a rule, creditors won't negotiate with consumers who are current on their bills, often refusing to discuss settlements with anyone who is not at least three to six months behind. Knowing this the debt settlement company will instruct George to stop making payments to his creditors. Instead he will make payments to the debt settlement company, after taking the first couple of payments as their fee; the debt settlement company will make offers to his creditors to settle his debt for a lump sum payment. This lump sum payment will come from the amounts he has paid to the debt settlement company.

What this company didn’t tell George is that debt settlement only works for a few of the consumers who attempt it; not all credit card companies will settle. Consumers who enter the process may endure months of creditors' angry phone calls, plus a growing debt load as fees, penalties and interest are tacked on to their original balance due. Plus, there's the possibility creditors will sue.

If George is successful in obtaining a debt settlement how will it be reported on his credit report?
Debts paid off as part of a negotiated settlement will generally show “Paid by Settlement” on a consumer’s credit report. If he were to apply for a new loan, the prospective lender will understand that a debt paid by settlement means that his repayment did not cover the total debt that he had accumulated, and that his creditor accepted a lesser amount.

How will a debt write-off affect his actual credit score?
His credit score is based on information contained in his credit report, with the highest consideration given to how he repaid his debts. As stated above, the first thing the debt settlement company will instruct George to do is to stop paying his debts.

According to Liz Pulliam Weston's article 5 ways to kill your credit scores:

The 680 scorer would lose 45 to 65 points with this maneuver, while the 780 scorer would shed 105 to 125 points.

Our scenario assumed that borrowers would miss one payment before settling the debt with their credit card companies. In reality, debt settlement negotiations can drag on much longer, with each missed payment taking another chunk out of your score.

Settling a debt with a collection agency would hurt less, probably much less, because the FICO formula is set up to weigh more heavily what the original creditor says about you than what a collection agency reports. But if our borrowers were settling with a collection agency instead, their scores would be lower to begin with, because they would have collection accounts on their records.

Long-term effects:
The long default on payments, followed by the settlement for less than you owed, is going to stay on your credit report for seven years and look just as bad, or worse, than a bankruptcy (particularly a chapter 13 bankruptcy.)

Other considerations:
George will receive a 1099 form from each of the credit card companies he settles with. The amount of debt forgiven is considered income and is taxable.

This is the hidden cost of higher insurance rates (insurance companies now check credit reports when renewing auto policies) and higher interest rates on any debts he might incur in the future.

What to do instead:
Before George goes the settlement route, he should visit a consumer-credit counseling agency for advice. The first visit is free.

The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (http://www.nfcc.org/) has a tool for locating counselors nationwide. Credit counselors offer debt-management plans. Under these, creditors agree to accept reduced monthly payments or lower interest rates in return for the consumer agreeing to pay the full debt on a set schedule. But consumers who can't afford the monthly payment won't qualify.

Next, he should talk to an attorney to assess whether bankruptcy makes sense. Debt settlement "is not a decision you make without talking to a bankruptcy attorney, because you could be sued" by going the settlement route.

He should try to negotiate with the credit card companies himself:
George did call two of the credit card companies. One said their company did not negotiate debt settlements. The other would not consider debt settlement at this time because he is current with his payments. As a courtesy, they checked his credit report finding only one bad mark; a late student loan payment from several years ago. The only relief they could offer currently was to restructure his debt over a five year period. During this time he could no longer use his credit card to make purchases, but his total outstanding credit would show on his credit report. They could not reduce his interest rate; he already had the lowest rate they offered. He did not accept the restructure.

Realizing debt settlement was not an answer to his problems George is now looking for other methods to get out of debt.

*I recommended George and his wife take one of Dave Ramsey's money management classes offered at many churches in our area. I know several couples who have taken this class and have found it to be helpful.

Why do all the pretty girls flirt with me now that I’m married?

Jack, a thirty-something former co-worker, has been married for two years. He recently stated, “Now that I wear a wedding ring pretty girls flirt with me all the time whereas when I was single and ring less they wouldn’t give me the time of day.”

He has surmised women like a challenge and prefer stealing a married man to dating a single guy.

It is true women do like a challenge, but I know Jack and frankly when he was single he was obnoxious. He came on way too strong and scared many a girl off, forcing them to be rude when he wouldn’t take the hint. Now, that he is married and less desperate they are more comfortable being nice to him. Sometimes, I think guys misread girls who are just being nice for flirting.

In Penelope Trunk's blog workplace situations we don't talk about Penelope discusses, "Not knowing whether a meeting is a date." Personally, I have encountered this dilemma once when I was single and once after I was married. In both situations, I thought I was being nice and not flirting. In both situations, I think the guy thought otherwise.

David attempts to enlighten women with this comment he left on Penelope's post:

Dinner "date," or not??
I'm going to lose my "playa" card for telling you this, but most men like to keep their options open no matter what even when they're married. Ladies, your man will deny every word of this so don't ask… Anyway, men are hunters by nature. The smarter hunters, not only do we sharpen our weapons daily, we also love to fill the forest with traps just in case we have a bad hunting day/week/month/year.

Examples of traps would be one on one lunch/after-hours meetings. We set up small "meetings" to get a good lay of the land (no pun intended). The tendency is to set up small friendly meetings sometimes cloaked in business agendas, but placed in more intimate settings so that you let down your guard to coax you out of your business mind and reveal more of who you really are. If it leads to something, then great, but we usually don't expect anything to happen on the first run…some of us get off on the control and others use it to set up the chase. And for others it’s the control and the chase.

So my advice, just assume it's the set up every time, especially if they know you are single. There are random men who don't have this ulterior motive in mind, but that would be 1-2% of the time…they are the exception to the rule.

To those who disagree adamantly with me here…It may sound seedy, but once you accept that humans are sexual beings and realize that true unwavering fidelity is a figment of your imagination placed upon you by the lifelong marketing of marriage. Then you'll not be so devastatingly shocked when someone disappoints you in the future. Everyone cheats in their mind…it's the ones that act that give us entertainment for our reality TV show curiosity.

The bottom line is: Be careful what messages you are sending/receiving when you communicate with the opposite sex in the workplace. Conversation and behavior that crosses the professional line can only lead to problems.

Can passion exist without mastery?

On Ramit Sethi's blog post finding the right idea, I came across the following passage on passion:

But as Cal Newport puts it, passion happens when you master something:

“…passion is the feeling generated by mastery. It doesn’t exist outside of serious hard work. When Scott’s readers say “I have too many passions,” what they really mean is “I have lots of superficial interests.” When my readers complain that their major is not their passion, what they really mean to say is “I don’t have a level of mastery in this field that is earning me recognition.”

Passion for my chosen career is something I think about quite often. After years of accounting classes, studying for, taking and passing the CPA exam, and 11 years working as an Accounting Manager for a small local company, I no longer feel passionate about my work. When I think back on it, my pursuit of an accounting career was more about a path to earn a living wage and to prove I could do it, than it ever was about my passion for accounting.

If I had a more impressive accounting resume would I be more passionate?
In this economy, recruiters are the first to point out my deficiencies: I don’t have an accounting degree (I have a business degree), I don’t have public accounting experience preferably with the Big 4, and I’ve never worked for a large company. If I had all of these accomplishments would I be more passionate? Maybe, but then again maybe not.

I am on the board of a local professional organization. At our latest planning meeting, I found myself engaged as I listened to other member’s ideas as we planned our strategy for the upcoming year, but the minute we began discussing the budget I shut down no longer interested. It’s not that I don’t think the budget is important; I’m just not that interested in a 10 minute discussion about whether a $25 line item should be called miscellaneous expense.

My real strength lies in learning; all of the appropriate accounting experience is not going to make me more passionate if I’m no longer learning. I can be analytical and have attention to detail, but I have to work at it. I think:

“True passion exists when you are utilizing your strengths.”

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Can passion exist without mastery? Are you passionate about your chosen field? If not, is there anything you do to try to inspire more passion?

Jacquelyn Mitchard, a smart accomplished author, loses everything to Ponzi scheme. How can this happen?

Jacquelyn Mitchard, the Wisconsin author best known for her novel The Deep End of the Ocean (Oprah's first book club pick), is the victim of a Ponzi scheme.

In Parade Mitchard writes:

Four years earlier, we’d invested with two Minneapolis 'investment specialists' who did currency arbitrage and other, less risky investments. (My husband) had discovered them on a local radio show. I had my doubts—one of them wore a toupee you could see from Saturn. But I couldn't argue with what their portfolio seemed to say. Now, suddenly, our money had vanished.

The question everyone is asking is, “How can this happen? Jacquelyn Mitchard is a smart accomplished author. How could she be duped into losing everything?

Mitchard was not alone:
The international Ponzi scheme masterminded by Trevor Cook, a Minneapolis trader bilked over 1,000 investors out of millions of dollars. His business partner Pat Kiley was a nationally syndicated radio host, whose show was carried on more than 200 radio stations nationwide, including the Worldwide Christian Radio network. He told his listeners he was a Christian. The pair duped victims into making allegedly safe, high-yield foreign currency investments that turned out to be neither. Instead the money was used instead to pay off gambling debts, underwrite a lavish lifestyle, and purchase a mansion.

Why would so many people turn over their life savings to these scam artists? What can investors do to protect themselves from these schemes?”

Kiley’s radio show and claim of being a Christian gave investors a feeling of confidence and legitimacy. I chose my own financial planner from a radio program that airs here in Milwaukee.

We must perform our due diligence. Steer clear of tips from your neighbor, going in with someone you know and guaranteed rates of return.

Clark Howard, whose show I listen to regularly, recommends hiring a fee only financial planner:

In general, people don’t know what to buy and how to invest. They end up hiring commissioned salespeople, who sometimes don’t do what’s best for you. Some stockbrokers are not ‘fiduciaries,” which means they must do what’s right for you financially. So, they can recommend stocks just because it will make them money. There are also very honest, above board brokers who will do the best they can for you. It’s just hard to tell. Clark recommends that you pay for advice if you’re having questions. You don’t have to hire the person to actually invest for you. But just giving advice can help you make your own decisions. Clark likes people to interview 5 people about investments. Ask them how long they’ve been in the business. Check out financial planners at napfa.org. You will find fee-only financial planners there.

Contact the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) hotline at (800) 289-9999 for more information about firms and their registered representatives

If your brokerage firm is legitimate your money will be held by an outside holding company, not with your brokerage firm. These outside firms audit your brokerage firm and provide your account statements. The victims of the Cook/Kiley Ponzi scheme received their monthly statements directly from the firm. Each month these statements showed a modest gain; all of them were fraudulent. (My brokerage firm uses Pershing.)

Invest in what you know, diversify and get a second opinion:
What is a foreign currency exchange? I googled “Vantage Foreign Currency Exchange” (supposedly this is the investment the victims were sold) nothing came up. Don’t put your entire life savings in an investment you can’t find on Google. If you are skeptical of an investment get a second opinion.

The less you know about investing the more you need to diversify.
Warren Buffett

For another take on this topic read Grace's Financial Failure can happen to Anyone.

A Tasty Summer Drink

My sister-in-law likes a good cosmo drink, so I decided to serve them at our summer party. I was contemplating whether to purchase a pre-mixed ready to drink cocktail when a fellow shopper startled me by saying, “Don’t buy that. It’s disgusting.” He then shared his favorite cosmo recipe:

1 ounce triple sec
1 ounce orange vodka
1 ounce vodka
A splash Rosie’s lime juice
Cranberry juice to your liking.

Shake with ice, chill then pour into a Martini glass.

I sampled one last night and I must admit it was very tasty.
Enjoy

Do you concentrate on the toss that almost made it or the one that wasn’t even close?

While we were at the ball park a couple of weeks ago,  we encouraged my niece who has an above average throwing arm for an eight year old to participate in a pitching game. The object of the game was to throw a ball at a cutout of a catcher hitting his glove. Her first toss was too high, the second a little closer and the third almost made it.

What is the first thing she says when finished, “Did you see my first toss? It was terrible! I am so embarrassed it wasn’t even close.”

Of course we pointed out how good the last toss was, saying the first was just a warm up. Even the Brewers warm up. I couldn’t help but think how early in life we become self-critical and how this self-criticism tends to stay with us our whole life.

On a similar note, Molly of My Cozy Book Nook recently read Patty Digh’s book Life Is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally.While taking notes on the book she found twelve passages that spoke to her. She was so taken by these passages she decided to meditate on one each week during her summer vacation.

Particularly fitting to this post is Life is a Verb: Week 2 which deals with perfectionism and a fear of failure. Molly repeats this passage from the book:

Something happens between the ages of five and eighteen and all of a sudden our sense of adventure and self-confidence dwindles. If we cannot do something well - I mean nearly perfect - then we tell ourselves that we can't do it at all.

So sad, but so true.

Do you concentrate on the toss that almost made it or the one that wasn’t even close?

Life is about the moments

I don’t have children. This isn’t something I planned; I was never one of those women who adamantly announced to the world I am never having children. I just never got around to having them. My friend Amy (mother of two) recently told me most women are ready to start a family when they wake up and find themselves peeing on a stick. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not a Mom and don’t feel as though something is missing in my life. I do, however, sometimes feel as if my childfree lifestyle should be more exciting and my job more prestigious with all the extra time and money I’m supposed to have.

In saying that, I have this incredible niece Kelsey who was born shortly after my doctor told me if you don’t get pregnant NOW it will be too late. Because of the timing of that conversation, I made a big deal about being Kelsey’s Godmother; I wanted to be an important person in at least one kid’s life. I became her Godmother and it is true I am an important person in her life, but so are all her other aunts and uncles and that is okay.

Kelsey is now eight, smart, athletic and passionately interested in professional sports. She even watches ESPN highlights before school.

My husband’s company has (front row) season tickets to the Milwaukee Brewers. He was given four tickets to last Saturday’s game with instructions to invite a company consultant and his wife. At the last minute they cancelled, so we asked my brother and Kelsey to go in their place. On the way to the game we talked briefly about the Brewers and Kelsey mentioned her favorite player was Corey Hart.

From the minute we walked into Miller Park, Kelsey was mesmerized and so was I as I watched the evening play out through a child’s eyes. It was all so perfect it could have been a dream (accept of course for the Brewers disappointing loss). We ate at TGIF’s getting an outside table facing the ball park. We caught an hour of batting practice, a new experience for me, my brother and Kelsey. We then walked around the park making Kelsey partake in all the kiddie activities including having her picture taken with a Corey Hart cutout until she begged us to go to our seats. I’ll never forget the look on her face as we sat down and directly in front of her stood Corey Hart and Rickie Weeks. We were admiring the ball park, when I spotted Corey Hart to my right signing autographs. I grabbed Kelsey, her baseball and a marker and guided her down the row towards Corey. My brother snapped a photo as she got her autograph. If that wasn’t enough excitement, during the game a foul ball landed near our seats and the first base coach spotting Kelsey threw the ball to my brother. A Brewer’s backpack, a baseball signed by Corey Hart, and a ball from Miller Park previously touched by Prince Fielder; not bad for a night at the ball park.

On the way home the conversation was about baseball, Kelsey asking questions, my husband and brother answering them and quizzing her on what she had just learned. The conversation ended with everyone content in their own thoughts when I realized this is one of those moments. All of the noise in my brain about my unexciting life and boring career had been turned off and had been all evening. I was living in the moment and life was good.

We can't measure our own spices!

I came across a new product in my grocery store’s spice aisle called McCormick Recipe Inspirations. I was drawn to its eye-catching package which includes six pre-measured packets of McCormick dried seasonings and a step-by-step recipe to make one of six dishes. The dishes include:

Apple & Sage Pork Chops
Rosemary Roasted Chicken with Potatoes
Garlic Lime Fajitas
Quesadilla Casserole
Spanish Chicken Skillet
Shrimp & Pasta Primavera.

Each package sells for $1.99.

I must have been staring intensely because a fellow shopper commented, "I am sure the spice you're looking for is there somewhere" as he passed. But I was no longer shopping. I was thinking:

“Has it really come to this? Are we this lazy and inept we can no longer measure our own spices. "

Here are the spices included with Shrimp & Pasta Primavera:
Garlic, onion, dill weed, black pepper, and thyme.

Black Pepper! Doesn’t everyone own black pepper? And Quesadilla Casserole comes with salt. Salt and pepper sold in pre-measured plastic packages ~ what a waste.

Supposedly, the product is designed for the newbie cook who doesn’t own a large variety of seasonings. Recipe Inspirations give them the opportunity to sample a more unusual spice to see if they like it before investing in an entire container.

I have a better idea. Take Spanish Chicken Skillet which includes:
Paprika, garlic, red pepper, thyme, and black pepper.

Why doesn’t McCormick give away a free sample of one of the spices as a grocery store giveaway, include the recipe and a coupon for a future purchase and call it a day.

A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier ~ An Eye-Opening Book Despite Credibility Issues

Motivation for reading:  I decided to read Ishmael Beah's A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier after reading Simon Mac Donald's review in which he rated it a solid buy saying it will bring you tears on more than one occasion.

What is it about?
Ishmael Beah was recruited into the Sierra Leone Army when he was only 13; he didn’t really have a choice. His village had been attacked by rebels during the civil war separating him from his parents. He was forced to wander from village to village first with his brother and friends, then by himself and ultimately with another group of boys in search of food and news of his family. When he and the other boys came upon a village controlled by the army they thought they had found a safe haven, but were soon reminded the RUF rebels had killed their families and destroyed their villages. They were given an ultimatum:

“That is why we need strong men and boys to help us fight these guys, so that we can keep this village safe. If you do not want to fight or help, that is fine. But you will not have rations and will not stay in this village” (pg 106).

Once he became a soldier, he was taught to be a cold blooded killer assisted by an unlimited supply of marijuana, cocaine and other drugs numbing him to the violence. After two years, at age 15, he was released to UNICEF and rehabilitated.

Why read this book?
This book convinced me not only do I need to be a feminist, but a humanist as well. According to UNICEF, an estimated 300,000 child soldiers - boys and girls under the age of 18 - are involved in more than 30 conflicts worldwide. Child soldiers are used as combatants, messengers, porters, cooks and to provide sexual services. Some are forcibly recruited or abducted; others are driven to join by poverty, abuse and discrimination, or to seek revenge for violence enacted against themselves and their families.

For me, one of the most powerful quotes from the book comes from a speech Ishmael made at a conference in NYC:

“What I have learned from my experience is that revenge is not good. I joined the army to avenge the deaths of my family and to survive, but I’ve come to learn that if I am going to take revenge, in the process I will kill another person whose family will want revenge; then revenge and revenge will never come to an end . . .” (pg 199).

My only complaint is that the book ended too abruptly. I would have enjoyed reading more about how Ishmael got out of Guinea and what his life was like once he moved to New York City. Perhaps he will write a sequel.

Follow up:
To keep my reviews original, I try not to read additional book reviews after I’ve made a decision to read a particular book. Upon completing my review of A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, I learned there is speculation that Ishmael Beah fabricated his story. You can read about the allegations here and his response here. These allegations seem plausible, at times while reading the book I did wonder if the events weren't exaggerated, but it also reminds me of childhood stories my siblings (I have five) and I share with each other, depending on who is telling the story, the date of occurrence, the people involved and even the motive behind the story can differ. So could a young boy, brain-washed by the military, pumped up on drugs get a few details wrong – absolutely.

Do I regret reading the book?
No, but if I had known about the allegations up-front I probably would have read David Egger's What Is the What, a novel based on the real life experiences of a young refugee in southern Sudan, instead.

When was the last time you started your day feeling this good?

I saw this on another blogger's site and had to share!

How does your pay stack up against the salary guides?

I recently compared my pay with the salaries listed in three different salary guides put out by national recruiting firms. All three of the guides group salaries according to job title, geographic location and company size. I knew my salary was on the low side, but I was shocked to see it was substantially lower than the salaries listed in all three guides.

I asked my company’s HR Manager for her opinion on the validity of salary guides. She told me I had to use a guide specific to our industry. She let me borrow hers which is put out by our industry’s association. According to this guide, I am still underpaid, but once you factor in my pay-cut it wasn’t as far off as the recruiter guides. (I also noticed our HR Manager’s pay is substantially higher than what is listed in this guide.)

I decided to get a second opinion.

I asked my friend who is a recruiter. She said she sees Accountant salaries that line up pretty close to the guides and others that are way off, but many factors are involved. Publicly traded and global companies pay more. Employees that are CPA’s or have their masters and those with public accounting experience (preferably with the big 4) make more than those who don’t.

What about my salary?
She thinks I am underpaid.

How does your pay stack up against the salary guides?

I can’t stop thinking about Nancy Horan’s book Loving Frank

Why did I decide to read Loving Frank: A Novel?
I had received word I could be in a waiting room up to three hours while my mom had routine cataract surgery. Like any avid reader, my first thought was I need to find a good book. I turned to Becky’s blog A Book a Week (one of my favorite sources for fiction selections). Her glowing review, and the possibility of an interesting conversation with my mom who’d also read the book helped finalize my decision.

What is the book about?
The book is a fictional account of the real life story of Frank Lloyd Wright’s affair with one of his clients, Mamah Borthwick Cheney in the early 1900’s. They both abandon their spouses and children; she had two and he had six, to flee to Europe for a year. She receives a divorce from her husband Edwin Cheney, but Frank’s wife Catherine refuses to grant him one. Hounded by the press even in Europe, Frank convinces Mamah to return to the U.S. where he will build her a sanctuary. True to his word, he builds Taliesin near his boyhood home in Wisconsin. Her new life is not perfect; her purpose at Taliesin seems to be cooking for the men building her new home, Frank’s mother refuses to acknowledge her, they are discovered and again hounded by the press and Mamah realizes Frank who loves beautiful things, doesn’t pay his bills. She does re-establish a relationship with her children and Edwin allows them to spend summers at Taliesin. Eventually things begin to turn around for Frank, whose work had been negatively affected by their affair and he receives a commission to design Midway Gardens in Chicago. Mamah at last seems content with her new life when tragedy strikes.

Thoughts:
I am originally from the Spring Green area and have toured Taliesin, so I was vaguely familiar with Mamah’s story, but found the tragic ending much more horrific than I had remembered. Horan’s book closely follows the events of the real story, but since so little of Mamah’s correspondence remains she needed to invent all of the conversations. I did feel the dialogue in some of these conversations was too contemporary for the era. When I asked my mom her opinion of the book she said only, “I don’t understand how she could have left her children.” The book is more than a love story; Mamah’s love affair with Frank was the catalyst which pushed her to search for her personality (now referred to as finding yourself) and provides plenty of fodder for book-club discussions:

While in Europe Mamah meets Ellen Kay a Swedish feminist writer and becomes her translator. In discussing the translation of Ellen’s belief “WOMEN NEED TO DEVELOP their personalities from within” Mamah wasn’t sure how the translations would be received after it was published, “The focus of the Women’s movement in America is the vote and equal pay.”

Ellen responds:

“To free women from conventionalism – that should be the aim of the struggle. What good does it do if woman is emancipated but has little education and no courage to act?

Men have always been trained to have the courage to dare. Women on the other hand, are stuck being the keepers of memories and traditions. We’ve been the great conservators. Oh, I suppose we’re suppler, as a result, because we’ve learned to see many sides. But what a price has been paid. It has kept us from greatness! And most women are happy just to repeat opinions and judgments they’ve heard as if they thought of the idea themselves. It’s dangerous! Women need to understand evolutionary science, philosophy, art. They need to expand their knowledge and stop assassinating each others’ characters.” (p. 150.)

Later in the book, Mamah becomes uneasy when translating “The Misuse of Woman’s strength.” Ellen argues that:

“Women’s energy should be used for child rearing, that suffragists were wrongheaded to focus so intently on jobs and equal pay when motherhood was their legitimate work.” (p. 261.)

Mamah is displeased with Ellen’s statements and is afraid if she publishes them, it will set back the women’s movement in America. She points out:

“It’s ironic that Ellen has never married or had children, yet she feels free to expound upon motherhood, I think that’s rather arrogant.” (p. 261.)

Does Mamah have a valid point? What about today? Should women who don’t have children be able to judge women who put their children in daycare and work outside of the home?

Wasn’t there a better way?
Did Mamah have to abandon her children the way she did? Did both her and Frank have to hurt so many people? I realize there were few options for women who at the time were still considered property,* despite having a master’s degree, no one would hire a divorced woman and after the divorce her children didn’t live with her permanently because Edwin refused to allow her to have custody, but still there had to have been a better way. Even today, when a woman abandons her children for another man or to find herself she is judged harshly.

Should Mamah have been punished for the rest of her life for choosing the wrong man?
Jessie (Mamah’s single, childless sister who helped care for her children after Mamah left says:

“You had everything? You had a wonderful man who adored you, beautiful healthy children. Freedom. No money worries. A nanny and a housekeeper. You didn’t have to work and Edwin never asked a thing of you. Do you realize what you gave up for Frank Wright? The kind of life most women – most feminists – dream of?” (p. 295.)

What I can’t stop thinking about?
The issue isn’t whether Mamah should have suffered for marrying the wrong guy. The real victim in the story is Ed Cheney. He lost everything and all because he married the wrong woman.

*Frank Lloyd Wright writes a wife is still “property” in his letter to the Weekly Home News after Mamah’s death.

The Accidental Billionaires

I love business books, especially those that provide insight into the creation, growth and sustainability of a business; some of my favorites include Taylor Clark’s Starbucked: A Double Tall Tale of Caffeine, Commerce, and Culture, Michael D'Antonio’s Hershey: Milton S. Hershey's Extraordinary Life of Wealth, Empire, and Utopian Dreams, Rich Cohen’s Sweet and Low: A Family Story and Jim Collin’s Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... and Others Don't. Unfortunately, I will not be adding Ben Mezrich’s The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius and Betrayal to my list.

I decided to read The Accidental Billionaires after Citizen Reader, one of my favorite book bloggers, mentioned it in her post Why read business books?:

“So that's why I hang in there on the business books. Every now and then, as in John Bowe's Nobodies, Ben Mezrich's The Accidental Billionaires***, and Paul Midler's Poorly Made in China (as well as anything written by Michael Lewis), they actually open my mind in ways I never expected. So do consider a business book this weekend. It may not make you happy, but it might blow your mind OR give you a laugh. Both good things.”

***About the founder of Facebook, who is icky, and who could care less about your privacy, especially if he can sell it for profit.

The problem with the book is twofold. First, Citizen Reader isn’t kidding Mark Zuckerberg is icky and it isn’t just him. I was repulsed by everyone for most of the first 100 pages of this book. Zuckerberg hacking into Harvard’s computer system, stealing photos of students with the intention of creating a website that would compare photos of girls to farm animals is creepy, but so are Eduardo Saverin and the Winklevoss twins. Saverin, Facebook's first investor, spends his time trying to become a member of the Phoenix, a social fraternity at Harvard, so he can improve his social standing, meet girls and get laid. The behind the scenes story of the Winklevoss twins, who claim Zuckerberg stole the idea for Facebook from them, is also nauseating. They are Harvard seniors on track to make the Olympic team and members of the Porcellian Club the most prestigious, secretive and oldest of Harvard's eight all-male clubs. Most likely Zuckerberg did steal their idea, but I disliked them so much I found myself rooting against them.

The second problem with the book is the lack of any real insight into Facebook or its creator Zuckerberg. The book is more about Facebook’s co-founders and their account of how they were screwed by Zuckerman than the genius of Facebook. Ben Metrich writes in the first paragraph of the book:

“The Accidental Billionaires is a dramatic, narrative account based on dozens of interviews, hundreds of sources, and thousands of pages of documents, including records from several court proceedings.”

And then:

Mark Zuckerberg, as in his perfect right, declined to speak with me for this book despite numerous requests.

After only a couple of chapters in, I found Zuckerberg’s voice to be a noticeably absent; there are two sides to every story and the real story of Facebook probably lies somewhere in the middle.

Despite the issues I had with the book, The Accidental Billionaires is a quick engaging read and there are lessons to be had:

-Be daring. Be different. Be first. Getting there first changes everything:
Tyler Winklevoss claimed a lot of the features in Thefacebook were different from his site, ConnectU originally called Harvard Connection, but the overall concept was similar. The problem was that for certain industries, it wasn’t about the quality of the product or even corporate strategy. It was about who got there first. When Zuckerberg agreed to write the code for Harvard Connection then stalled for two months while he launched his own site he put the Harvard Connection a disadvantage. If Harvard Connection would have been the first site to launch and every college kid had signed up for it Thefacebook may have faded away unnoticed even if it was the better product.

-Put it in writing. I’ve seen more than one partnership end disastrously.
The Winklevoss’s should have put their proposal in writing and Zuckerberg should have signed it. The outcome may have been the same, but legally the twins would have been a stronger case.

- Eduardo Saverin should have drafted a written a contract with Zuckerberg before he lent him money. The act of drafting the partnership agreement may have clarified each party’s intentions and dispelled future problems.

- It really is all about the numbers.
Even if Zuckerberg’s actions are proven to be unscrupulous and Facebook is proven to be a huge tar baby (the humble opinion of my favorite librarian) it isn’t going to matter. With articles like Facebook surpasses Google as number one site no one is going to care that Zuckerberg is an unethical jerk or that spending hours on Facebook is really a big waste of time.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

The Heartbreaking Reality of Animal Shelters

Buck, our golden retriever, was the first dog I ever owned. He was the pick of the litter and would have been destined for show dog stardom if running around a ring would have been my thing. We immediately signed him up for puppy classes. He was the naughtiest dog in the class, but did learn to respond to a couple of commands when rewarded with a treat. Unfortunately, at ten months he wasn’t completely housebroken and listened only if given a treat. At our wits end, we enrolled him in an expensive training program.

Our new trainer took one look at Buck and said, “I like his look. You should consider breeding him.” I loved this idea. We could recoup some of the training costs we’d spent on Buck plus, it would be fun to have little golden retriever puppies running around. The training program was more about training us than Buck and well worth it in the long run.

When we took Buck to our Vet for his one year checkup the Vet tech asked when we would like to schedule his neutering. I told her he wasn't going to be neutered we were considering breeding him. I was shocked by her negative response:

“Leave the breeding to the professionals the world doesn’t need anymore dogs. Novice breeders don’t realize what they are getting into in both time and money and it usually doesn’t end well. Most of the puppies end up at animal shelters.” She volunteers at the humane society and was telling me from experience the majority of dogs dropped off are never adopted and end up being euthanized.

"But our dog is a beautiful purebred golden retriever. We will easily be able to sell his puppies."

“The shelters are full of purebreds with the majority being retrievers. And what about back yard accidents. What will your neighbors do with the puppies? Are they qualified to select adequate homes? Dog ownership is a huge responsibility with many purchasers having no idea what they are getting into. Once a puppy is too big to handle it is dropped off at a shelter never to come out again."

I was reminded of this conversation while reading the following excerpt on A Gai Shan Lifes's blog:

I think our society needs a huge "wake-up" call. As a shelter manager, I am going to share a little insight with you all...a view from the inside if you will. First off, all of you people who have ever surrendered a pet to a shelter or humane society should be made to work in the "back" of an animal shelter for just one day. Maybe if you saw the life drain from a few sad, lost, confused eyes, you would stop flagging the ads on craigslist and help these animals find homes. That puppy you just bought will most likely end up in my shelter when it's not a cute little puppy anymore. Just so you know there's a 90% chance that dog will never walk out of the shelter it’s dumped at? Purebred or not! About 25% of all of the dogs that are "owner surrenders" or "strays", that come into a shelter are purebred dogs.

......Odds are your pet won't get adopted, and how stressful do you think being in a shelter is? Well, let me tell you, your pet has 72 hours to find a new family from the moment you drop it off. Sometimes a little longer if the shelter isn't full and your dog manages to stay completely healthy. If it sniffles, it dies. Your pet will be confined to a small run/kennel in a room with other barking or crying animals. It will have to relieve itself where it eats and sleeps. It will be depressed, and it will cry constantly for the family that abandoned it. If your pet is lucky, I will have enough volunteers in that day to take him/her for a walk. If I don't, your pet won't get any attention besides having a bowl of food slid under the kennel door and the waste sprayed out of its pen with a high-powered hose. If your dog is big, black or any of the "bully" breeds (pit bull, rottie, mastiff, etc) it was pretty much dead when you walked it through the front door. Those dogs just don't get adopted. It doesn't matter how 'sweet' or 'well behaved' they are.

What happened with Buck?

Buck was neutered shortly after the above vet appointment. Our vet also strongly encouraged neutering convincing us it was better for his health in the long run.

What about the expensive dog training?

We ended up buying a second dog from our trainer and my husband became a training center volunteer.  He plans on dedicating his retirement life to training and fostering rescue dogs.  Here he is with our two dogs and our trainer's puppy Molly:

He's polite, he doesn't make excuses, and he doesn't lie.

While discussing overdue accounts at a recent meeting, my boss made the comment he liked working with a particular customer even recommending the company extend his payment terms, “He’s polite, he doesn’t make excuses, and he doesn’t lie.” Unfortunately, honest non-abusive behavior such as this is rarely observed in our slow-paying customers.

This scenario reminded me of a chapter I had read in Stacy Horn’s book, Waiting for My Cats to Die: A Memoir. Stacy had received a hostile note from a customer who had become unhinged over an unpaid bill for services from her company Echo. In response she wrote:

It’s the rare person who says, “Oh God, I’m sorry, I wasn’t really using my account, I meant to close it.” No. Not only do they owe you money they have to be abusive about it on top of it. Then they have to come up with something to justify their hostility, like “Echo was so slow this month, and the phone lines keep disconnecting me.” Anything to prove that you’re the asshole, not them. But I’ve finally accepted that this is the defense that people adopt when they are in owing-money mode. This is how they cope.

I’ve been known to become unhinged a time or two myself especially when sneaky fees* appear on my cable or cell phone bill (not to mention the customer service rep who refused to accept my credit card payment until I located my password), but not every company is playing gotcha with sneaky fees. The majority of business owners are trying to sell you their product or idea at a fair price, so they can pay their own bills. If you can’t pay your bill on time or are no longer interested in receiving a service you legitimately signed up for why be abusive about it?  Be polite, don’t make excuses and don’t lie. You might receive better service in the long run.

*To learn more about sneaky fees and what to do about them I suggest reading Bob Sullivan's Gotcha Capitalism: How Hidden Fees Rip You Off Every Day-and What You Can Do About It.