While home from college over winter break, my 20-year old daughter asked for $300 to get her hair highlighted blue. My husband refused to pay for such a ridiculous expense. She then stormed out of the house spending most of her remaining break with friends. We’ve paid for her hair styling in the past, but she usually didn’t spend more than $75.
My husband and daughter have a history of conflict beginning two years ago when he took away her phone and car until she broke up with her boyfriend - who we both thought was a loser. She broke up with him a month later right before she left for college. The relationship between my daughter and husband hasn’t been the same since. We pay her tuition and give her $400 a month spending money. She uses this money to pay her rent which is $300 and to buy food. She also has a credit card. I’ve been paying her credit card bill each month which has been as high as $600 and am starting to resent it. My husband thinks I’m spoiling her and that she needs to pay her card with her own money. I would like her to save her money for graduate school.
We also don’t like her new boyfriend, but I won’t let my husband force another break up. She was so cold towards him the last time. I want my daughter to be successful and happy what should I do?
Should Kim pay for her daughter’s blue highlights?
I asked my own stylist if blue highlights were popular at her salon. They are not, her salon doesn’t even stock blue dye. Blue highlights are expensive because it requires a two-step process that involves stripping the natural color from your hair then adding the blue color. She doesn’t recommend blue because it requires a lot of maintenance to keep blue looking good. Blue doesn’t hold up well on hair and may fade to an ugly green after only a few weeks. She also thinks at twenty Kim’s daughter is an adult and needs to have adult hair – which is not blue. If she wants to have a little fun with color, she recommends purchasing blue hair extensions instead. The one below can be purchased here
for
$9.99.
What is really happening here?
You are both treating your daughter like a child and she is acting like one. Do you really think your husband forced you daughter to break up with her boyfriend? I don’t. I think she broke up with him because she wanted to. If she didn’t want to break up with him she would have told you they broke up just to get her stuff back then continued to see him behind your back. Check out this post where I answered a question on how to get your daughter to break up with a loser. (Short answer - you can’t.) I also think your daughter knows her frivolous spending irritates her dad which is why she asks for things like blue hair.
You and your husband need to stop playing good cop/bad cop in regards to money. It isn’t good for your relationship with your husband or your relationship with your daughter. I suggest the three of you sit down and go over your daughter’s fixed expenses. I’m sure $400 is not enough to cover rent, food, utilities, gas and other miscellaneous school expenses. You and your husband need to agree on an amount you are both willing to give your daughter each month then you Kim can’t give her more after the fact. Be very clear how much you are giving her then let her know she will be responsible for the rest. Instead of saying I’ll pay $75 for this, but I won’t pay for that, just give her $500 and let her manage her own money. I would be very surprised if her credit card spending does not go down once she has to dip into her own savings.
Do you require your children pay a portion of their expenses while in college? How did you determine how much to give them? Did you ever try to manipulate their decisions with money or stuff?
unfortunately, I'd bet this good cop/bad cop started about 20 years ago, or at least when the daughter was old enough to play one parent against the other. now it will be tough to break this behavior pattern , but kims suggestions are good.
ReplyDeleteas to blue hair... in this college town it is very popular. there are times when I wish this head of mine would go gray faster so I could use a bit of purple highline myself!
To be honest Kim is an acquaintance I know in real life. I agree and think the good/cop bad cop routine has been going on a LONG time.
DeleteI haven't seen anyone in my area with blue hair, but most likely I travel with a conservative group; especially since I stopped going to the gym.
I think this entire situation is insane. I hate to say it, but my kids are 3 and 10 and *gasp* I do not have a college fund for them. I am working on building my retirement instead.....which means they'll need to do what I did and get good grades for scholarships, build credit so they qualify for loans, and work to have spending money.
ReplyDelete20 years old and still getting a monthly "allowance?" That sounds fantastic! I would've taken $10 a month - my mom was a single mom and couldn't give me a dime. I had to get a job, live on campus, eat dorm food, and basically live like a broke college student. I promise, I turned out ok! Matter of fact, it was the absence of money that taught me how to appreciate it, earn it, and spend it like a grown up.
I personally think this adult woman has it made in the shade and has no motivation or reason to do anything but keep spending her parents' money.
I worked my way through college too. I knew if I ran out of money I would be dropping out and moving home - not getting money from my parents. It taught me a lot about budgeting, needs vs. wants and responsibility. I also think I can deal better with set backs like job loss and pay-cuts.
DeleteI agree she has it pretty darn good.
I should also mention her parents never went to college. I think she uses their lack of knowledge about what she actually "NEEDS" to her benefit.
DeleteI am not a parent, but I found this situation fascinating. It certainly gives one food for thought :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment.
DeleteWow! I basically paid for my own everything in college. The question they need to ask is how will she learn to take care of herself if they keep taking care of everything (boyfriends, rent, food, credit, and hair choices)???
ReplyDeleteAgreed. She will be the 40-year old getting money from her parents to make her mortgage payments when she loses her job.
DeleteI have a college student. She did a great job in a magnet high school, thus saving me a bundle on high school tuition, and then got a scholarship that paid the majority of her college bills. We were fine with paying the rest. However, I found that she was wasting money; going first class rather than sitting in the back of the plane. To use an analogy, she doesn't need to take the bus, but I'm not paying for first class, nor to I want to pick the tab for those expensive drinks. Anyway, this year she wanted the extra-fancy dorm so I told her that we were contributing $xxxx to her education this year; she could spend it the way she wanted, or get a job or a loan. When the bills come from school, I ignore them. She has one of my credit cards for emergency money (like the trip to the ER last week) but her regular expenses are hers and yes, she colored her hair blue.
ReplyDeleteWhat great advice. You are giving her control and parameters at the same time. I bet she ends up successful.
DeleteHonestly, I'm an adult, and I've contemplated blue hair in the past year.
ReplyDeleteBut this sounds like a much bigger issue. I think the daughter needs to take on responsibility, but is kind of being set up to fail. Her budget isn't big enough to meet her basic needs, and there doesn't seem to be an expectation of work on her end to make up for the gaps, nonetheless wants. I'd either expand the budget if possible, as others have suggested, allowing her to make those decisions on her own, and not bailing her out further when a bad decision is made, or raise that expectation have her figure out a way to pull in more income. I know it's a hard thing to do. I come to you from a place of being fully responsible for all of my expenses long before age 20, though, so I know it can be done. Might just need training wheels rather than holding onto the bike or having her go it solo at this point, though.
I must really lead a sheltered life, I haven't come across anyone with blue hair in years.
DeleteAgree with you on the training wheels. I think budget training needs to begin long before your children head to college. I'm sure it isn't as easy as it sounds though.
I don't think blue hair is a big deal at all. But I'd definitely make her pay for it. Or if you usually foot about $75 of her hair bill, offer to giver her that and have her come up with the rest.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, even if she's a struggling student, there are so many on campus jobs that are mostly sitting around and you can do your homework - working in the library, box office, places like that - it should be pretty easy for her to pick up a job to make some extra cash.
Incidentally, my parents paid all my bills through college and grad school. But I had a very healthy fear of my dad that I never abused the credit card they gave me. It was for food and textbooks or I called home and asked before I bought anything else with it. And I worked all through college and grad school except for freshman year, so I used that for hanging out with friends or buying what I wanted.
A healthy fear of using your dad's credit card is not a bad thing. Kim's daughter did have a job - 3rd shift at a hotel, but it interfered with her grades so she quit. She thought she would be able to study while she worked, but I don't think it worked out that way.
DeleteI also think she is involved in a lot of clubs and a sorority which include extra expenses.