How to find a support group?

At a recent committee meeting with my professional organization one of my fellow volunteers announced she is quitting our group. I was anticipating the usual complaints, “I am too busy with work” or “I need to spend more time with my kids.”  Instead she informed us, “My marriage is over and I need to focus my time and energy on rebuilding my life.”     

Between discussions of committee business this woman (I will call her Jane) interjected with stories of her marital problems and fears of starting over. She mentioned a couple of times she didn’t have any friends.  She closed the meeting with, “What should I do next?” 

Our group responded with silence.

Jane then said, “I received the name of a lawyer from a counselor I’ve been visiting with my kids. I guess I could give this lawyer a call.”

No longer able to stand the silence, I decided Jane needed to hear my story.  I had been in a long-term unhealthy relationship through most of my twenties.  A couple of months before I was to be married this relationship took a turn for the worst and we began attending couples counseling.  My ex-fiancé failed to show up for one of our sessions and the counselor used this as an opportunity to give me some eye-opening advice.  He didn’t understand why I wanted to stay in this relationship.  The way he saw it my ex was using one hand to praise me by patting me on the back and the other to slap my across my face. He foresaw me being nine months pregnant and my fiancé abandoning me.  He told me of another counselor who facilitated a support group for women.  He was going to call this counselor and recommend I join her group.

I joined the support group. My fiancé and I broke up and I went on to create a new life for myself.  Jane listened intently as I told her how this period in my life was scary, but also full of new possibilities and experiences.  There were tears, but also moments of joy.

In addition to the structured support group I attended each week, I also created an informal support group on my own. A former college roommate had moved back to my area and had befriended a neighbor who was separated from her husband. The three of us began attending a weekly happy-hour.  The neighbor invited a co-worker to join us and the four of us became friends.   In addition to happy hours, we attended classes on self-esteem, took cooking classes, visited the Chicago Art Museum, saw a play and went to movies.  We also took biking trips and I learned to cross-country ski.  We were all the same age and towards the end of our 30^th year we traveled to California to visit our friend (the neighbor) who had moved there to reconcile with her husband. 

How did these support groups help me transition to the uncoupled life?

The first structured support group gave me the strength to end my relationship and begin the process of building a new life.  I was assigned weekly tasks such as asking my ex to return my apartment key and finding a new roommate.  I had to report back the results of my assignments the following week.

In Becky Aikman’s book Saturday Night Widows: The Adventures of Six Friends Remaking Their Lives she writes:

What truly helps those who have been uncoupled: friendship, fun, humor the flexibility to strike out anew.

My second informal support group provided just that. So what should Jane do?

Near the end of Saturday Night Widows Becky Aikman tells her support group: 

“I think when anybody is reinventing herself, she’s got a choice.  She can stay detached and look inside herself for answers.  We’ve all heard that advice - finding yourself.”  I shook my head and threw them a dubious look.  “Knowing you has shown me that, at least for me, finding myself wasn’t a solitary task.  The way for me to move forward was to get out there on Saturday night, to engage with other people, to engage with the world, to engage with you.  Funny as it may sound, I’ve found myself by going outside myself.  I’ve found myself through action, though action with you.” (Pg. 329)

I wasn’t going to tell Jane she should call the lawyer. I didn’t feel it was my place to recommend she leave her husband, but I was going to help her find a support group.  A few weeks ago, in the comments on Miss Robin’s post What are my options when my husband is mean? I read about a support group for those who are dealing with, or think they may be dealing with, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial abuse called Our Place found at http://www.our-place-online.net. I gave this information to Jane. 

One of our other members recommended Jane not quit our organization.  I quickly agreed, reminding her several of our organization’s members were single.  Many of them would welcome Jane as a friend.  I also told her of the occasional get-together I have with one of our other members and her divorced co-worker.  I plan on inviting Jane to our next outing and foresee the beginnings of an informal support group in Jane’s future.

Do you have any advice for Jane?   

This post was inspired by the book Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman. After being kicked out of her widow support group for being too young, Becky creates her own support group with an unusual twist. Join From Left to Write on February 14 as we discuss Saturday Night Widows. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

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