What does “lean in” mean for you?

This month The Savvy Reader Book Club is reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Today is the first in a series of posts I plan on writing though out the month inspired by the book.

What was Sheryl Sandburg's motivation behind Lean-In?

When Sheryl Sandburg graduated from college in 1991 and from business school in 1995 her entry-level colleagues were a balanced mix of male and female. She saw that her senior leaders were almost entirely male, but she thought that was due to historical discrimination against women. She thought it was only a matter of time before her generation took their fair share of leadership roles. But with each passing year fewer and fewer of her colleagues were women. More and more often she was the only woman in the room. 

She feels the problem is two-fold:

External barriers erected by society
Blatant and subtle sexism, discrimination and sexual harassment.
Too few workplaces offering flexibility and access to child care and parental leave.
Men having an easier time finding mentors and sponsors who are invaluable for career progression.  
Men are promoted based on potential while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

Self-imposed internal barriers:
Lacking self-confidence.
Not raising our hands.
Pulling back when we should be leaning in.
Internalizing internal messages we get throughout our lives – the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, and more powerful than men.
We lower our expectations of what we can achieve.
We continue to do the majority of the housework and childcare.
We compromise our career goals to make room for partners and children who may not even exist yet.
Compared to our male colleagues, fewer of us aspire to senior positions.

Sheryl’s argument is that getting rid of the internal barriers is critical to gaining power.

In the introduction of Lean-in she writes:

I am writ­ing this book for any woman who wants to increase her chances of mak­ing it to the top of her field or pur­sue any goal vig­or­ously. This includes women at all stages of their lives and careers, from those who are just start­ing out to those who are tak­ing a break and may want to jump back in. 

This book makes the case for lean­ing in, for being ambi­tious, in any pursuit. (pgs. 9-10) 

She then promises to provide adjustments and differences we can make within ourselves to reduce self-imposed internal barriers in subsequent chapters.

I recently watched a news program where a group of women were talking about leaning-in. Every one of them felt they couldn’t possibly lean-in to their careers more than they currently were doing. They were completely tapped out. After reading most of this book I can’t help but wonder if they’d actually read the book themselves or if they were just responding to the hype. I also wonder if they had thought about what leaning-in actually means to them.

For me leaning-in no longer means doing whatever it takes to get the corner office. (Actually I have a corner office – it is kind of small though - but it does have a window with a view of our back parking lot.) I also make a decent salary, but am not paid nearly as much as a man would be paid in a similar position. At this stage of my life I don’t want to lean into my career. I want to lean-in to my life. I want to a second career that is more meaningful and less time consuming than the one I have now. 
 

The example from the book that resonated with me the most is the one where Larry Kanarek manager of the Washington D.C. office of McKinsey and Company gathered his employees together for a talk.

He explained that since he was running the office, employees came to him when they wanted to quit. Over time, he noticed that people quit for one reason only: they were burnt out, tired of working long hours and traveling. Larry said he could understand the complaint, but what he could not understand was that all the people who quit- every single one- had unused vacation time. Up until the day they left, they did everything McKinsey asked of them before deciding that is was too much.

Larry implored us to exert more control over our careers. He said McKinsey would never stop making demands on our time, so it was up to us to decide what we were willing to do. It was our responsibility to draw the line. We needed to determine how many hours we were willing to work in a day and how many nights we were willing to travel. If later on, the job did not work out, we would know that we had tried on our own terms.  

Counterintuitively, long-term success at work often depends on not trying to meet every demand placed on us. The best way to make room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately - to set limits and stick to them. (pg. 126)

Wow did that hit home. I am one of those people who doesn't use all of my vacation time. Even with my recent bunion surgery I worked from home four of the eight days I was out of the office. At the end of this year I will probably have at least two weeks of unused vacation – ouch. One of my fellow male managers called me out on this. He said I work so much that it is now expected. He strongly encouraged me to break this cycle and begin taking care of myself. He uses all of his four weeks of vacation each year, upper management complains when he is out of the office, but he does it anyway. He does make himself available for questions via phone and email while he is out, but he doesn’t actually sit down and work.

For me leaning-in has to involve setting limits and learning to stick to them without feeling guilty

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Are you reading this book? What are your thoughts so far? What does “lean-in” mean for you?

Terminated for Facebook Post

I recently read a blog post where a fellow blogger had been asked to resign from her job. Her offense - posting on her personal Facebook account that she wanted to make a career change.  One of her co-workers printed out the update and conveniently shared it with the blogger’s manager. This blogger who had been with her company for eight years was immediately forced into resigning and escorted out of the building.

Here are a few lessons from this story:

Work friends are not real friends
Do not share your inner most thoughts with your co-workers. They may not be good at keeping secrets or worse yet may use this information against you or to better their own career. 

Do not friend your co-workers on Facebook:
This includes clients, vendors and business associates.  Business and work-related contacts belong on LinkedIn, not Facebook.

You never know who will stumble across your posts:
Clients, vendors, neighbors, or your husband's ex-wife – you just never know. Your inner-most thoughts belong in your personal journal not on Facebook. I know of someone not hired for her dream job because her Facebook postings were not in line with the company’s mission.  Even charity work can be held against you if it is for the wrong political party, religious affiliation or agency.

Be careful what you write in an email:
Emails can be forwarded and archived. They can also be submitted as evidence in court cases.

In most states, employment is at will:
That means your employer can fire you at their discretion for any reason, even if there is no reason.

If at all possible do not sign anything:
If you sign a letter of resignation you may have difficulty collecting unemployment benefits.

Owners of small and family owned companies may take your displeasure with working at their company personal:
I know of more than one employee who was terminated after their boss learned they were looking for another job. I even know of one who was terminated when her manager overheard her telling a vendor her life (meaning her job) was a hellish nightmare. Keep your job-dissatisfaction to yourself until after you've secured a new position.  Even then never burn a bridge.  You never know where your boss or former co-workers may end up.

Always apply for unemployment:
Hating your job is not considered misconduct by most state’s unemployment panels. If you can prove you were coerced into resigning, you may be eligible to receive unemployment benefits.  Submit a claim to your state's employment security department. After receiving separation information from both you and your employer they will make a determination.  If gross conduct can't be proven typically benefits are granted.

Do you have any lessons to add? Do you know of anyone who was not hired or terminated because of Facebook?  

Announcing "The Savvy Reader" Book Club

I've decided to start an online nonfiction book club for savvy readers.  My plan is to choose one or two books at the beginning of each month then host discussion posts throughout the month.  All you have to do is read the book and participate as you see fit.  If you write a blog post discussing one of my book selections I will be happy to add your link to a post.

The Savvy Reader book club selection for September is Sheryl Sandburg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead:

 

I am choosing this book as my first book club selection to motivate me to finally read it.  When Lean In was initially released I read so many negative reviews I couldn't bring myself to read it.   Then I realized it is time I find out what all the hoopla is about.

This month I am also recommending Leymah Gbowee's book Mighty Be Our Powers: How Sisterhood, Prayer, and Sex Changed a Nation at War as a companion read.

 

 

Sheryl Sandberg mentions Leymah Gbowee and her memoir Mighty Be Our Powers: How Sisterhood, Prayer, and Sex Changed a Nation at War in the beginning of her book.  Leymah won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize for helping to lead the women's protests that toppled Liberia's dictator. While attending a book party in Sheryl's home a guest asked Leymah how American women could help those who experienced the horrors and mass rapes of war in places like Liberia.  Her response was four simple words: "More women in power."  Her memoir should be an interesting read.

 

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Have you read either of these books? What were your thoughts?  Be sure to stop back in throughout the month to participate in the discussions. 

 

My Bunionectomy

Photo Credit: A.Currell via Compfight cc

A bunion (hallux valgus) is a bulging bump on the side edge of the joint at the base of the big toe. Over time this bump can become enlarged and inflamed and may cause your first toe to begin pointing towards your smaller toes. Foot pain from a bunion can be so severe that it interferes with normal activities like walking. Most people who acquire bunions have a hereditary predisposition to developing them. Also, wearing high-heeled shoes with a narrow toe box does not help.

In my case, both my mom and dad have bunions as well as both of my sisters and at least one aunt. I did spend twenty years wearing high-heeled usually pointy shoes. My doctor described my bunion as moderate to severe and recommended surgery. There is nothing that can be done to reverse a bunion once it has formed other than surgically removing it and straightening the bones of the toe. This is done so the bunion does not return. The bunion on my right foot was much worse than the one on my left. It was always red and swollen at the end of the day no matter what shoes I wore or how much physical activity I engaged in. I haven’t worn high-heeled shoes in two years and have modified my exercise routine to not include anything that irritated my bunion like lunges.

I had a bunionectomy on my right foot on Tuesday. I chose this day because this is the slowest time of the year for me at work. After surgery I am not allowed to walk on my foot for at least 10 days and my doctor doesn't recommend driving. After practicing walking down lannon stone stairs to my unattached garage while on crutches I realized he was right. I would never be able to do this at least not by myself, so I’ve been home. Never in my adult life have I been house bound for ten straight days before.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned from my surgery:
Why they recommend having someone go with you to your doctor’s appointments: Despite having mentally prepared for this surgery and thinking I was not nervous the day of, after the first nurse left my pre-surgery room I realized I had not heard a word she had said. I had to ask my husband, “What are these?” “Socks” "What am I supposed to do first?" Clearly I was more nervous than I had thought. I realized how easy it would be in those important doctor appointments to miss vital information.

They will make you pee in a cup despite insisting you are not pregnant:
Seriously! I haven’t had anything to drink in ten hours and besides I’m 51.

Blogging plays a larger role in my life than I had thought:
I’ve never had surgery while under a general anesthetic before and was curious what my first words  in recovery would be. I must say I was a little surprised that they were, “How am I supposed to blog about this? I don’t remember a thing.” At the time I was genuinely annoyed. I had been looking forward to at least seeing the surgery unit and my doctor. I wanted to hear him say, “Yes good thing we are doing this, your bunion is pretty swollen today.” The last thing I remember was being wheeled out of my room. I then asked if I could keep the X-ray I’d been handed of my foot with it’s eight new pins. I was sure I could figure a way to post it onto my blog. The nurse took it from me saying, “We will keep it for you right here in your folder.” Once I got back to my room I realized that folder wasn’t coming home with me. Again I was annoyed, but decided to let it go.

The On Q pain pump is a wonderful thing:
I was given a local anesthetic via a small, high-tech balloon that automatically dispenses anesthetic slowly and continuously to my foot. A catheter was inserted into the back of my leg just above the knee and the balloon was placed into a small pouch I wore around my neck. My anesthesiologist pre-set the pump so the anesthetic would continue to dispense for three days. It was wonderful. I didn’t feel any pain after my surgery and didn’t need to take pain meds once I’d gone home. I was able to get around easily on my crutches and didn’t feel sick. I spent a blissful two days reading, sleeping and texting friends and family about how good I felt.

The On Q pain pump running out a day too early is a horrible thing:
I woke up Wednesday night to a terrible stinging pain in my foot. I began taking pain meds, which at first didn’t work then made me sick. When my anesthesiologist called to check up on me the next day he told me the pump must have dispensed too quickly. The block was supposed to last a day longer. The good news was the terrible stinging pain wasn’t coming back, so I wouldn’t need any more pain meds. My husband was easily able to remove the catheter and dispose of it in our trash.

Crutches are not as easy as they look:
I am so glad I practiced using crutches beforehand. Actually, in my pre-surgery appointment I was told if I didn’t know how to use the crutches I would be sent to crutch training before I could leave the out-patient facility. This would be charged to my insurance company at an enormous out-patient rate. I watched a couple of eHow videos on maneuvering stairs and thought I was good to go. After using crutches for five days, I have to say I can’t imagine using them if I wasn’t in decent physical condition. My balance and core strength have helped immensely, but I still managed to strain my shoulder and blister my hand. Tote bags are a necessity for transporting objects from one room to another.

Listen to your doctor:
Lastly, I want to say listen to your doctor and not the naysayers. I can’t tell you how many co-workers/gym acquaintances told me how awful this surgery and the recovery process was going to be. Today, I read on-line that there are 100 different types of bunion surgeries available, most likely resulting in 100 different type of recoveries. So far my recovery hasn’t been so bad, other than Wednesday. The week I was home with bronchitis was much worse.

Since I am so well rested I actually feel better than I normally do and am looking forward to spending the coming week working from home. Who knows it could end up being one of my most productive weeks of the year.

My Blog Makeover

As some of you have already noticed my site has a new design. The updated look was designed and created by Iris of Charming Blog Design. I couldn’t be happier with the results. Iris was so easy to work with. She asked for examples of what I liked before giving me several samples to choose from - which worked well for a non visual person like me. 

Iris is from Heidelberg, Germany. In addition to designing blogs, she is a student majoring in Elementary Education, enjoys crafting, collecting and creating birdhouses, nature photography, music, and blogging about her long distance relationship. If you are looking for a new blog design, I highly recommend her.

Go HERE to get in touch with Iris and give your own blog a new look! :-)

Bout of Books Read-A-Thon

Finally a read-a-thon I can participate in.  Due to my work/cleaning/always one step behind schedule I've never managed to find the time to participate in a read-a-thon until now:

The Bout of Books read-a-thon is organized by Amanda @ On a Book Bender and Kelly @ Reading the Paranormal. It is a week long read-a-thon that begins 12:01am Monday, August 19th and runs through Sunday, August 25th in whatever time zone you are in. Bout of Books is low-pressure, and the only reading competition is between you and your usual number of books read in a week. There are challenges, giveaways, and a grand prize, but all of these are completely optional. For all Bout of Books 8.0 information and updates, be sure to visit the Bout of Books blog. - From the Bout of Books team

I am delighted to see Bout of Books is holding their read-a-thon the week I am having foot surgery.   My bunionectomy is August 20th, so once I've settled into recovery mode I will look forward to reading my way through my TBR list and socializing with other book bloggers. I have quite a week of book reading planned I hope I am up to the task.

I’ve Been Washing My Face with Plastic

In today’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article Cleanser beads could affect fish I discovered the exfoliating beads in exfoliating washes, soaps and toothpaste I use include small beads of plastic.

According to the article, in a recent study thousands of these small plastic pieces were discovered in water samples taken from Lake Superior, Lake Huron and Lake Erie. It turns out a single tube of Clean and Clear scrub from Johnson and Johnson contains 330,000 beads. The problem is these plastic beads float and water treatment plants aren’t designed to deal with floating matter. Researchers are worried that fish might think the pellets are eggs and eat them. That's problematic because plastics tend to absorb pollutants, such as PCBs, pesticides and motor oil. So the beads could poison the small fish that larger fish prey on. The larger fish are eaten by humans, which poses a human health risk.

The good news is faced with the results, the major manufacturers, including L'Oreal, the Body Shop and Johnson and Johnson, have committed to phasing out the plastic microbeads by 2015. Proctor and Gamble said it would follow by 2017, according to a story by CBC News in Canada.

I recently was considering removing foods that contain additives from my diet. This challenge was going to focus only on food and food additives, but now that I know there is plastic in my soap I’m also going to pay more attention to what is in my beauty products.

Have you ever been surprised to learn a harmful or unusual additive was included in a product you use? Did this knowledge change your purchasing habits?

Would you like to see additional consumer education posts similar to this one or would you prefer posts about books and/or career related topics?

Should My Dog’s Teeth Be Professionally Cleaned?

Ten years ago while we were about to become a dog owner for the first time a friend was contemplating whether she should have her 11-year old dog’s teeth professionally cleaned. The procedure would cost $250. Professionally cleaning a dog’s teeth! I had never heard of such a thing. My friend not wanting to subject her older dog to the anesthesia decided to forego the procedure.

I faced a similar decision a couple of weeks ago when my husband returned from taking Teddy our eight-year old yellow Labrador retriever to the vet.

Our vet who had been keeping an eye on Teddy’s teeth for some time now recommended we have his teeth professionally cleaned. Teddy had developed a mild form of gingivitis. His teeth which had begun showing signs of plaque when he was only two year old were now brown and his gums were red and swollen. We received a quote of $412 without x-rays, $599 with for this procedure. The x-rays were needed to determine if any teeth needed to be extracted. The cost of teeth extraction was extra. $600!!! The cost of teeth cleaning had gone up quite a bit in ten years.  

We looked at Teddy’s teeth ourselves:

and decided to go ahead with the procedure. Our vet thought Teddy may be in pain – we had noticed there were times when Teddy ate slower and more tentatively than usual. In addition, not having them cleaned now could lead to other health problems later on. The bacteria from gingivitis could travel through Teddy’s bloodstream contributing to heart, kidney or liver disease. His teeth would also continue to deteriorate which could lead to infection, teeth loss and difficulty eating.

His x-ray’s detected one bad tooth that had to be extracted. The upper right 12 incisor was fractured and its pulp was exposed. Not removing it could lead to an abysses tooth and damage to the teeth surrounding it.

The cost of the procedure included pre-anesthetic blood work. These tests checked Teddy’s blood sugar, kidney values, and red blood cell count. They were to detect abnormalities that could affect anesthesia. He also received intravenous fluids during anesthesia. These were given to combat a decrease in blood pressure which sometimes results from the anesthesia drugs. In addition, an intravenous catheter allows immediate administration of emergency drugs if there is an adverse reaction from the anesthesia.    

Here is the break down of costs for Teddy’s professional teeth cleaning including tooth extraction:
........ ........ ........

Description	Cost
Anesthesia and IV Catheter	43.70
Pain Injection (2)	48.40
Surgical Monitor	30.20
Scale and Polish Teeth	81.70
Fluoride Treatment	23.00
Day-Care Kennel Use	20.60
Cefazolin (Antibiotic)	21.00
IV Fluids During Surgery	21.60
Radio graph Dental Full Mouth	130.00
CHEM/CBC/UA In-House	0.00
Chem Panel w/Electrolytes	72.82
CBC (Complete Blood Count)	49.30
Nerve Block(s)	18.50
Rimadyl 100mg Chewable (4)	18.20
Non-Surgical Tooth Extraction	35.00
Total	$614.20

Teddy did very well at the clinic and other than a couple of hours of whimpering at home (which resulted in lots of pets and belly rubs) he had a speedy recovery. Here is a photo of his clean pearly whites.

We are to begin Brushing Teddy’s teeth in 2 weeks. For best results, we should brush them 3-4 times a week.

Buck our ten-year old golden retriever has never had his teeth professionally cleaned. He hasn’t needed it. We’ve always brushed both our dog’s teeth once a week. Buck does chew on sticks more often and has a morning routine that includes chewing on his Galileo bone which may have helped prevent tartar buildup.

In hindsight, I should have paid more attention when my friend was contemplating whether or not to have her dog’s teeth cleaned. Dogs are expensive, much more expensive than I ever could have imagined before owning one. Though I do think our vet is on the high side and some of the above services may not have been necessary, i.e. a charge for day-care kennel use I do want my dogs to be healthy and receive good veterinary care.

Have you ever had your dog’s teeth professionally cleaned? Are there any home remedies you practice to keep your dog’s teeth clean? What about the cost of Teddy’s professional cleaning? Was $600 for this procedure low, about average or kind of high?

Explaining why I was fired – and when to tell a potential employer I’m pregnant?

Dear Savvy,
I recently was let go from my job as a financial representative’s assistant. This was my first job out of college and not related to my major. I wasn’t told until after I was hired I needed to obtain both an insurance and series 6 license as a requirement of continued employment. I took the insurance classes, but was having difficulty passing the life exam. I then took several days off due to a family event and a vacation. When I returned my manager called me into his office to inform me I wasn’t working out. He needed an assistant who was certified. Since losing this job, I’ve had one phone interview for a position in my field of study. When asked why I was no longer working, I told the interviewer I had difficulty passing the insurance exam. I was nervous and rambled a bit giving the dates of my exams and the scores I received. I was not called back for a second interview. My parents think I shouldn’t have given so much detail about the exams and instead say I was not told during the interview process I needed to become a certified insurance agent nor given a drop dead date for accomplishing this. How do you think I should respond to the question, “Why did you leave your last job?”  

Also, I am pregnant. I am not showing yet do I need to tell potential employers I am pregnant? If so when?
Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,
I disagree with your parent’s advice. Do not tell interviewers you weren’t informed of the insurance license requirement during the interview process. Interviewers may think you are naïve, didn’t do your homework, weren’t listening or are lying. I did a quick search on a local company’s website and found the following listed as a requirement for a similar job:

- Series 6 or 7, 66 or 65 & 63, and Life Insurance license required

Also, do not go into detail about taking the exam. Instead say, “I was required to become licensed by such and such date and when I failed to do so I was let go. I now realize this job wasn’t for me. I went to school for X and this position did not utilize my talents which are ….” The closer your talents match the job you are applying for the better.

As to alerting potential employers you are pregnant, do not do so until you have a firm job offer.  I am reminded of the seminar I attended on hiring discrimination. The speaker, an HR hiring manager at a large company, told us hiring discrimination absolutely exists for women in their child-bearing years. When a manager at her company knows an interviewee is pregnant she is rarely (as in never) considered for hiring or promotion. Why - because someone, either the manager or other employees, have been covering this position since it became open. If they hire a pregnant person they know in a few months someone will once again need to cover this position while the employee is out on maternity leave. There is also the fear the employee will forget everything she learned and need to be retrained once she returns or at the very least will need to be brought up to speed on what occurred while she was out. Then there is the fear she may decide to stay home with her new baby and they will need to start the hiring process all over again.

Once hired you do need to inform your new employer you are pregnant as soon as possible, they will need to plan for it. After you receive a firm job offer in writing let them know you will be accepting the offer, but do need to inform them you are pregnant and the baby is due on…They will not be happy, but most likely will not rescind your job offer in fear of a discrimination law suit.
 
Have you ever been fired? How did you explain your firing in an interview?

Were you ever pregnant while searching for a job? At what point did you alert the interviewer you were pregnant? Were you still hired?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
I've lost my job. Now what?
50 Best Books for the Unemployed
Worker Embarrassed to Attend Retirement Party After Being Fired

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Motivation for Reading:
Cheryl Strayed’s book Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail has been on my reading list since Oprah selected it for her revamped book club.

At 26 Cheryl Strayed was by her own admission a mess. She had lost her mother to cancer, was divorced from her young husband, dating a junkie and on her way to becoming an addict herself. Feeling lost she quits her waitressing job and sets out to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. The purpose for her journey according to Cheryl:

I had to change. I had to change was the thought that drove me in those months of planning. Not into a different person, but back to the person I used to be – strong and responsible, clear-eyed and driven, ethical and good. And the PCT would make me that way. There, I’d walk and think about my entire life. I’d find my strength again, far from everything that had made my life ridiculous. (pg. 57)

What better book to read for my Be Strong reading project - a reading challenge I created for myself to read one book about strength each month.

My thoughts:
I am glad I read Cheryl Strayed’s book Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, a book I had loved, prior to reading this one. If I hadn’t already been familiar with Cheryl’s work I doubt I'd have finished this book. I found Cheryl’s lack of adequate preparation for her hike (no backpacking experience to speak of, too heavy of a pack, one-size too small shoes, not enough money, etc.) irresponsible and dangerous. Also, I kept comparing this book to Bill Bryson’s book A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail about hiking the Appalachian Trail which I found funnier and thought he did a better job of actually writing about the trail. Once I stopped judging Cheryl and accepted this book for what it was – Cheryl’s journey - I began enjoying it. I realized Cheryl’s writing is just as beautiful as it was in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar and I had to give her credit; she was no quitter.  She achieves both her goals to hike the Pacific Crest Trail and to find her strength.

Here are a couple of my favorite quotes from the book:

The father's job is to teach his children how to be warriors, to give them the confidence to get on the horse to ride into battle when it's necessary to do so. If you don't get that from your father, you have to teach yourself.

 And:

What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do?...What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?

Also, there is an excellent scene in the book where Cheryl uses the intuition skills Gavin de Becker writes about in his book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence.  When approached by a suspicious pair of hunters on the trail and though tired and hungry Cheryl runs ‘til she can’t run anymore out of fear one of them will come back to find her.

Bottom Line:
If you are looking for a well-written memoir about a lost soul who embarks on a journey to find herself along the PCT this is a good book for you. If you are looking for a book about the trail itself, a professional guide to backpacking or a book about getting back to nature you probably will not enjoy this book. 

Have you read this book?  If so, what were your thoughts?

If you enjoyed this book you may also like:
Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Life and Love From Dear Sugar
How Did You Get Into Nonfiction?
Nonfiction You Can't Put Down

Please Note I am an Amazon affiliate.

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Motivation for reading:
I decided to read Cheryl Strayed’s book Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar after Rebecca Joines Schinsky included it on a list of books to read through your quarter life crisis over on Book Riot.

Rebecca wrote:

Strayed pushes us to know that we make ourselves, and it’s up to us to make ourselves whole. Someone in these pages will have the problem you have had or are having. Many someones will have it much worse. You will get perspective and reassurance and at least one that’s-exactly-what-I-needed-to-hear moment.

At 50, I’m not going through a quarter-life crisis, but a mid-life one and could certainly use a little perspective as I continue to make my way, so I decided to give the book a try.

What is Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar about?
Cheryl Strayed, the author of Dear Sugar an online advice column at The Rumpus, has put together a book of her best Dear Sugar columns along with a few that have never before been published.

My Thoughts:
Before reading this book, I was concerned an entire book of columns might be advice overload, so when I packed it for a recent vacation it was almost as an afterthought; perhaps I’d read a column or two. Once I began reading, I was so taken with Cheryl’s writing and her advice I couldn’t put the book down. I will warn you though Cheryl includes a story from her own life in every column instead of just giving advice. While I enjoyed this, some of you may not. 

Here is some of the advice I am taking to heart:
To the husband whose wife lost her mother:

Say Oh honey, I’m so sorry for your loss over and over again. (Page 98)

I’ve been in several situations where someone I know has lost a loved one and I’m never sure what I should say or do. Cheryl suggests being there and saying you are sorry over and over is what you need to do. It doesn’t make it okay, but it makes it better.

The guidance Cheryl gives the wife whose husband had an affair with a young woman the wife hired for the family business is perfect. Instead of forgiving the young woman Cheryl suggests she first accept the situation.

“Acceptance asks only that you embrace what is true.” (Pg. 113)

She recommends the wife neutralize her negative thoughts with a breath. Calm your mind. Breathe in deeply with intention, and then breathe out. Cheryl has breathed her way through many people she feels wronged by.

Then there is the Dear Sugar column I wrote about in my post Is It Possible to Change the Course of a Young Girl's Life. In this column, Cheryl writes about her experiences working as a youth advocate. Initially she tries to help the teens by getting the authorities to intervene. When no one comes to their aid and she’s told there is no money for kids over the age of 12, Cheryl changes her advice. She tells the girls to survive it. To endure it. This column gives me goose bumps every time I read it.

And lastly, the mental vision I have of the ‘rain” song Cheryl sings with the children in 'Ten Angry Boys' has stayed with me long after reading the book.

Bottom Line:
Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar isn’t what I would call a light vacation read. I had been feeling a bit down prior to my vacation and this book didn’t exactly bring me up. I spent a couple of days wallowing in my dysfunctional childhood, but the book did help me see things from a different point of view. I came away able to forgive someone from long ago and also to feel reassured I did the right thing in distancing someone else. All in all reading the book was good for me and I gained perspective. I can only imagine how much I'd have gotten out of it if I had read it during my quarter-life crisis.

Have your read this book?  If so what were your thoughts?

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Please Note I am an Amazon Affiliate.

Guest Post: 6 Books to Help You Find Inner Strength

Today you can find me over at Sophisticated Dorkiness where I am sharing a guest post on Kim Ukura’s blog. Kim is a bookworm and book blogger who has had a huge influence on this blog and my reading life. In case you don't believe me, check out this list of blog posts in which I’ve mentioned Kim:

Getting a Clue About Feminism

50 Books Every Young Woman Should Read

Anne Lamott's 'Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life' and Jealousy

Searching for the Truth

Memorable Vacation Reads

Making Women Count: Ending the Year on a Low Note

Light Reading

Deciding to Join the Bleak House Read-Along

I also want to highlight Kim’s latest endeavor - a nonfiction recommendation feature where she is offering personal nonfiction recommendations. To receive yours, just fill out the questions on this form and, over the next month or so, she will go down the list and recommend books. Since I am a huge fan of nonfiction, I'm looking forward to Kim’s picks which I'm sure will guarantee my TBR list will never be without books.

My guest post summarizes six of the books I’ve read date to-date that have had the biggest impact on my strength challenge - a challenge I created last summer when after having difficulty once again thinking on my feet I decided to challenge myself to become a stronger person in my 50th year. Initially I had visions of taking yoga classes and pursuing other physical challenges, but after an injury my challenge quickly morphed into a reading challenge. I decided to read at least one book a month that dealt with an aspect of inner strength such as confidence, communication skills, dealing with difficult people or circumstances, self-knowledge, willpower, etc. To read the post in its entirety click here: 6 Books to Help You Find Your Inner Strength.

What To Do When Your Daughter is Dating a Loser

My friend Jess’s nineteen year-old daughter has been dating this boy for two years. Jess and her husband have never been fond of this boy who they describe as lazy and a loser. They were hoping their smart, beautiful daughter would find a new boyfriend when she was away at college last year, but that didn’t happen. She is now home for the summer and spends all her free time with her boyfriend. This is causing problems at home. When Jess would not allow her daughter to attend an out-of-state family reunion with her boyfriend after their own family vacation was cancelled Jess’s daughter spent the entire weekend sulking in her room. Jess and her husband plan on sitting their daughter down and demanding she break-up with him. They plan on telling her she is too good for him, she’s wasting her time and he’s a loser. Her question for me was when should this conversation take place. Now, before the 4^th of July holiday or to wait until right before her daughter returns to school. Her concern is if she has this conversation now it will ruin her family’s summer because her daughter will be impossible to live with, but if she waits she will have to continue watching her daughter be smitten with this boy for the rest of the summer.

My recommendation:

Don’t have this conversation at all. Your daughter is not going to listen to you. You mentioned your daughter’s high school friends held an intervention with her. They told your daughter they didn’t like her boyfriend and suggested she break-up with him. What did your daughter do? She stopped being friends with these girls. She is going to do the same thing with you. She will stop confiding in you and start sneaking around behind your back. She is nineteen, an adult. She could even do something crazy like move out, quit school or get married. She has a promise ring.

I think you should invite your daughter’s boyfriend into your home from time to time. Try to understand what your daughter sees in him. You didn’t mention if he was abusive in any way or controlling. Just that she is too young, this is the first boy she’s dated and that she spends too much time with him. I would play that angle. Encourage her to make new girl friends especially at school, to try everything, even things her boyfriend doesn’t like to do. One of my biggest regrets is not discovering who I was and trying new things when I was younger. She needs to tire or grow out of her boyfriend on her own.

Our other friend suggested Jess make sure her daughter does not get pregnant. Jess said her daughter is on the pill, for cramps though. She is sure her daughter is not having sex.

I came home and told my husband about Jess’s dilemma. Once again he disagrees with me. If this were his daughter, he would sit her down and tell her she is too young to date just one boy. End of story.

Have you ever not approved of someone your child was dating? What did you do? Or from the other angle - Did your parents ever disapprove of someone you were dating? Did they talk to you about it? What did you do?

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Strength Interview with Ran Zilca of 'Ride of Your Life'

Last summer, while researching inner-strength for my BE Strong Challenge –  a challenge I created for myself to become a stronger person in my 50th year - I discovered a fantastic article on Building Inner Strength by Ran Zilca on Psychology Today. This article remains the best article I’ve read to-date on inner-strength, so you can imagine how excited I was to learn Ran is writing a book about his journey towards inner peace. I recently had the opportunity to interview Ran for my strength challenge:

What is your book - A coast to Coast Journey to Inner Peace about? And when will it be released?
The book is a guide to inner peace, composed over a 6,000 mile, coast-to-coast solo motorcycle ride I took in 2010. I started in New York and rode to California and then down the California coast line. On my way I interviewed different scientists and authors like Deepak Chopra, Phil Zimbardo, Sonja Lyubomirsky, and Byron Katie. The collective wisdom of these experts and of the many people I met on the road, along with the meditative experience of riding in solitude each day, yielded very interesting insights that form the guide.

I am running a Kickstarter Campaign (see below). If it’s successful the book will come out for the new year.

What motivated you to undertake this journey?
I was just turning 40, and being very successful in business and in my personal life, but unsure as to who I really am. I think that many people experience this type of feeling in midlife, where they know what they do and where they live, but not exactly sure who they are. It made me feel restless, so I went out to rediscover my identity, quiet the restlessness, and regain my inner peace.

What makes you feel strong?
When you lift weights you put a strain on your muscles, and in turn that builds muscle mass. Mental strength is built in the exact same way – by facing and meeting challenges, and going outside your comfort zone. I got my motorcycle license only a year before going on the road, and it was very hard for me to learn how to ride, and become good at it. It was also very hard, in many different ways, to go on the road and leave home for 5 weeks. I missed my wife and my kids, and even though my wife was very supportive of the project, it was very hard on her as well. I also did not have much riding experience, and most days were filled with risks. For that very reason though, the pride of actually doing it made me feel much stronger in a very profound way.

What detracts from your strength or what do you see others doing that detract from their strength?
All of us have known energy-drains. It could be the interaction with certain people, being in certain situations, or worries and thoughts. To remain strong, it’s crucial to identify those, so you can keep the drain of strength to a minimum. 

What do you know now that you did not know when you were 18?
At 18 my identity was still forming, and today I know who I am and how to make decisions irrespective of what may be good for others. At the same time, I would never want to lose my perspective at 18, where anything was possible, and everything was starting to happen and materialize. The sense of strength in youth can be tremendous. 

Do you have any lessons that you’ve learned from your journey that may help me in my strength challenge?To do one thing each day that scares you and makes you feel uncomfortable, to live life in service of others, to give others credit before they act, and forgive them when they default on that credit. The biggest hurdle on the way to happiness and inner strength is one’s ego and a sense of self-importance.

Are there any books that have influenced you or that you find yourself always recommending to others?
Many :) Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want The How of Happiness, and Barbara Fredrickson’s Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3 to 1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life (both authors that I was fortunate to interview) are great positive psychology guides for life. Deepak Chopra’s The Ultimate Happiness Prescription: 7 Keys to Joy and Enlightenment The Ultimate Happiness Prescription is also a great read that is very practical. When I was on the road I read John’s Steinbeck’s Travels with Charley, which is both a great travel story and a thought-provoker. But mostly – I find The Bhagavad Gita and the Tao Te Ching to be an executive summary of many texts on human happiness.

As I enter the second year of my challenge what should I focus on? I spent most of my first year gaining a better understanding of who I am.  
Here’s my advice: Make a list of things you want to do but feel uncomfortable doing, and start doing them! It could be small, daily things too. The pride you will feel will be a tremendous source of strength.

Tell me about your Kickstarter Project?
The Kickstarter Campaign allows everyone to pre-order the book, and also participate in its creation (!) by sending questions to the different experts. You can also get signed and dedicated copies, a coaching package, and other special rewards. The funding from the pre-orders will be then used to pay for the book’s production, but only if enough pre-orders are made.  

Is there anything else we should know about you?
Even though there’s some dose of adventure in my life, I live very normatively – house in the suburbs, take the kids to school and activities, etc. I love family life and the daily routine that comes with it.

Ran Zilca can be found at http://www.rideofyourlife.com/ and his Kickstarter Project can be found here.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Why I’m Not Giving up on Fiction after all?

I’ve written before about my preference for reading nonfiction:

I switched to nonfiction after becoming disenchanted with fiction while making my way through Oprah's depressing book club selections.  I decided if I was going to read a depressing story it might as well be true. Even today on the rare occasion I read fiction I usually end up being disappointed:

Take Gillian Flynn’s book Gone Girl for instance. This was the book to read in 2012. Lisa Bloom described it as her favorite guilty page-turner. It was so popular that when I put it on hold at my local library I was #462 on the hold list. Unfortunately this book was not for me. I found the characters so unlikeable, I couldn't finish it. I made it a little over half way through, read the ending and slammed the book closed in disgust.  When I returned the book I told my library friends I didn't like it especially the manipulative characters. They snickered saying that was the point of the book - how manipulative people can be.   Sigh! I decided to give up reading fiction for good.

Then while preparing for a recent vacation I packed four nonfiction books and Lisa See's Snow Flower and the Secret Fan just in case.  I don't know what it is about being on vacation that usually makes me gravitate towards fiction.  Sure enough, Charlie LeDuff's Detroit: An American Autopsy, Fred Kaplan's1959: The Year Everything Changed, Marilyn Yalom's A History of the Wife and In the Shadow of Man by Jane Goodall; none of them felt right. Instead, I picked up Snow Flower and the Secret Fan and didn't put it down again until I'd finished it.

What I liked about this book?
Lisa See created a beautifully written historical novel that takes place in China's Hunan Provence during the 19th century.  It's about two young girls who are linked as laotongs at the age of seven (a practice bonding two girls together for eternity as kindred sisters). The book explores the oppression of woman valued only for the ability to produce sons, describes the horrific practice of foot binding which I knew little about and explores the relationship of female friendship.

In reviewing my vacation journal, I only made one note from the book: 

I am still learning about love. I thought I understood it - not just mother love but the love for one's parents, for one's husband, and for one's laotong. I've experienced the other types of love - pity love, respectful love, and gratitude love.  But looking at our secret fan with its messages written between Snow Flower and me over many years, I see that I didn't value the most important love - deep-heart love. (Pg. 5)

So I am happy to report I'm not giving up fiction after all.  Perhaps I need to read fiction only when on vacation.  Then stick with my preferred fiction genre - historical fiction or as Tanya form Mom's Small Victories classified this book: World/Cultural Fiction.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Have you read Gone Girl?  What were your thoughts?  Do you agree with my librarian - I gave up on the book too soon and missed the book's point?

Do you have any historical fiction or world/cultural fiction recommendations for my next vacation read? 

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Use a Side Hustle to Stand Out From the Crowd

In the comments of my post Five Effective Ways to Find Your Best Second Career Kita wrote:

Everyone I know has a side hustle of some kind I think it’s needed in this economy I just think you need something that will make you stand out from the rest in a big way.

This is great advice for the marketing graduate mentioned in the above post:

After obtaining her marketing degree the only work this woman was able to find was as a retail clerk. She tells me employers won’t hire her because she‘s too old (over 50) and that her skills aren’t strong enough. She specifically mentioned her computer skills stating she has not been able to pass a computer proficiency exam.

Another commenter wrote:

Marketing can be rough as some positions rely solely on appearance, so unfortunately the younger the better.

This is why it is absolutely imperative for the woman above to do everything possible to improve her computer skills now. 

Before she can even think about standing out from the crowd she needs to become incredibly qualified:
She should become proficient with the software programs companies expect new hires to be familiar with. This may involve taking additional classes then practicing at home. She could track her budget and expenses in excel, develop dummy power point presentations, create website graphics in Photoshop or build her own website. She could use the free version of a program similar to Photoshop called GIMP, if she doesn’t want to pay for Photoshop. Also, some placement firms and temporary agencies offer computer training to their job candidates.

Once she meets the basic computer requirements, how can she stand out?

Join local marketing associations:
With a quick internet search I was able to fine three marketing associations in the Milwaukee area: BMA Milwaukee, American Marketing Association, and Milwaukee Interactive Marketing Association. This woman should not only join at least one of them, but she should actively participate by attending their meetings and events. Listen to what members are talking about and what their concerns are. She could write blog posts covering these topics on her own blog or the organization’s website. Then link these posts to her linked-in account. Volunteer to work on a committee or the board. By becoming an active member she has a greater opportunity to network, practice skills, learn from others and make mistakes in a non-work related setting.  

Volunteer for a nonprofit organization:
Most non-profit organizations are hurting for volunteers. Offer to write their newsletter, update their social media accounts and website. Or better yet volunteer to evaluate, work with, update or create their marketing program.  

Work for free:
It sounds as if it’s too late for this woman to secure an internship, but she could seek out small employers and offer to provide marketing services for free. Many side-hustlers get their start working for free. You gain experience while building your resume and gaining references.

Start your own marketing company:
Create your own social media, website, blog or marketing company.  Use the references and experience you gleaned from your professional association membership, volunteer work and working for free to create your portfolio.  Then sell yourself as a contract worker.

Gain experience working for a temporary agency:
Working as a temp has always been one of my favorite ways to gain experience, but the woman from above was not a proponent of this idea. She felt this wasn't feasible.  She could not afford to quit her permanent job to work in a temporary position.

What standing out from the crowd does not mean:
After reading Alison Green’s post a job applicant stopped by with a plant and candy, I feel it is worthwhile to mention a couple of things a job candidate should not do to stand out from the crowd. Do not send hiring managers gifts of any kind including candy, wine, gift baskets, fruit baskets, plants, baked goods including dropping off brownies, cookies, cakes or donuts and never ever send them a framed picture of yourself. The only things you should be sending a hiring manager are a well written cover letter and your resume. Also do not call the hiring manager to make sure they received your resume or to tell them you are the perfect candidate for the job. And never ever stop in to see them without a prearranged interview. All of these gimmicks are likely to land your resume directly into the trash can.  

Unfortunately without contacts, experience or stellar grades a degree by itself probably won’t open too many doors. I agree with Kita, if you want to stand out in the job market in this economy you are going to need a side-hustle.

Do you have a side-hustle? Has it helped you stand out from the crowd?

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5 Effective Ways to Find Your Best Second Career

I recently had a conversation with a former hair stylist who’d been forced to make a career change after developing a severe allergy to hair care products. Once her workman’s compensation ended she returned to school to earn a degree in marketing. Since graduating, the only work this woman has been able to procure is as a retail clerk. She tells me employers won’t hire her because she‘s too old (over 50) and that her skills aren’t strong enough. After rejecting my ideas to improve her skills, I began to wonder if perhaps marketing was not the best choice for this woman. There has to be a more effective way to choose a second career. To answer this question I’ve turned to Ruth Richards a writer for All The Top Bananas.

With the job market being more turbulent than ever before, many people are looking towards ‘second careers’ to bolster their incomes or see them through retirement. A change of direction can be interesting and exciting, though it’s not always easy to know where to start.

Here, we look at five effective ways to find the best second career for you.

Work out your skills and strengths

It should go without saying, but it’s important that you know what you’re good at and make choices accordingly. If you hate talking to large groups of people, for example, you probably shouldn’t be a lecturer. On the other hand, it could be the perfect choice if you’re good at coaching and have a patient manner. Identify what you’re good at and work through your options from there.

Look for something you have a true passion for

We spend an awful lot of time in the workplace, so it makes sense to choose something that you love. If you have a creative streak, you might enjoy a role that deals with the arts. If you enjoy cooking, you may consider a job in catering. Work doesn’t have to be dull and boring, and you can take immense personal satisfaction from it if you choose something you truly care about.

Find out what training is available to you

If you’re looking at a totally new field, you may need some training to get your skills up to scratch. Many local communities offer free or reduced priced courses to their residents, so look out for what’s available close to you. Of course, trainee roles are quite often available, and this could be a viable option for you.

Make a list of what your priorities are

The world of work is sometimes about making sacrifices and working out what you really want. If pay is your main goal, you might have to be willing to work long hours and deal with pressure. On the other hand, if doing something you love is your priority, you may have to travel further to your place of work. Establish what’s important to you and think about how you’ll balance the various aspects.

Can you go it alone?

If you’ve never considered entrepreneurship, now could be the time. After all, what could be better than working for yourself on your own terms? With advances in the World Wide Web, pretty much anyone can start their own venture from the comfort of their own home. Freelancing is a popular route, and you could do anything from writing to web development.

Are you currently considering a change in career direction? Do you think you’ve found the best option for you?

This article was brought to you by Ruth Richards on behalf of All The Top Bananas. All The Top Bananas helps job seekers find new opportunities with their online job search facilities.

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