Sunday, August 23, 2015

Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World

Motivation for Reading:
I received an advance copy of Megan Feldman Bettencourt's book Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving Worldin exchange for an honest review.

What is Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World about?
At age 33, Megan Feldman Bettencourt was struggling to pay her bills and reeling from yet another break-up. Her feelings of disillusionment, pain, and anger seemed completely justified to her. Then she met Azim. Azim had forgiven the man who killed his only son, and even befriended the killer’s family. Compelled by this amazing story, Megan set out to understand our capacity to forgive. 

In Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving  Megan searches for what it means to forgive. The journey takes her from recovered addicts who restarted their lives by seeking forgiveness, to a Baltimore principal who used forgiveness techniques to eradicate violence in her school, to genocide survivors in Rwanda who forgave the people who killed their families. Along the way, practicing forgiveness alters Megan’s life in ways she never expected.

My Thoughts:
Initially, I wasn’t sure I wanted to read another self-help book especially one about forgiveness, but the book seemed to fit the reading projects I’ve been working on: to become a stronger person and to be savvier, so I decided to accept the advance copy. I am so glad I did. 

Triumph of the Heart is more than a self-help book, it is a beautifully written study of forgiveness. Many of us have difficulty forgiving or letting go of past grievances. In an attempt to understand and forgive her own grudges, Feldman examines others who were able to forgive; the daughter who forgives her father who raped her as a young girl, a man forgives the murderer of his son, a husband forgives his cheating spouse and Rwandan genocide survivors who forgave the people who killed their families are just a few.

Here is a sampling of what I learned:
- It's hard to be ruminating about how someone hurt you or disappointed you 10 years ago, or five years ago or one year ago when you're being mindful.

- Everyone is dealing with something. We have to remember that we never know what people are dealing with and why they're acting a certain way. For the most part, people are doing the best they can with what they have.

- When we are angry with our enemy and in the midst of an adrenaline rush we just want to be right and have difficulty slowing down to understand their side of the story.

-The forgiveness process is similar to the grief process; both aim for acceptance and vary in duration and intensity for each person.

Many of the people Feldman profiled would go on to channel their forgiveness into create a better world.

I found Chantal Nimugire, who suffered horrific loses, abuse and betrayal during the Rwandan genocide, to be inspiring: 
For eighteen years I was healing and having memories of genocide, but after I forgave, I began to share my story and become passionate about advocating for women who suffered rape and sexual abuse. She recently began speaking to groups of widows through AVEGA, making an effort to inspire and support women who lost their husbands and children to the genocide. She’s determined to take a stand against rape as a tool of war, whether in nearby Congo and Sedan or around the world.

“We have to stand up and speak out. We have to demand a better world.” (pg. 178)
Bottom line:
Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World is a beautiful well researched book. If you have an interest in learning more about forgiveness I recommend reading this book.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Was My Neighbor Entitled to a Referral Discount?

My husband recently received an estimate from a tree service contractor to remove a dead tree from our yard.  Apprehensive of the low quote, he asked for local references.  The contractor had plenty; not only had he removed and pruned trees for one of our neighbors, but a second neighbor had hired him after observing his work.

There was a minor glitch to this story:

After the first neighbor* witnessed the contractor working on the second neighbor’s property he demanded a huge referral discount be applied to his bill.  The contractor refused stating the discount was too deep and he’d lose money on the job. Our neighbor then withheld payment for three months until the contractor finally agreed to a discount – not as much as the neighbor initially asked for, but still excessive according to the contractor.         

Did my neighbor deserve a referral discount?

I’m going to side with the contractor on this one.  My neighbor never actually did anything other than hire the contractor to work on his own property.  He didn’t give the second neighbor the contractor’s name or provide a reference.  The second neighbor approached the contractor while observing his work on the first neighbor’s property.  In my opinion, I don't think he deserved a discount.

My husband thinks the contractor should have demanded payment immediately upon completion of the work rather than giving our neighbor terms. After receiving payment, he should have told him he was going to be working for his neighbor and handed him a token $10 Starbucks or Home Depot gift card as a courtesy. 

*On a side note, this isn’t the first story I've heard about this neighbor refusing to pay a bill.

How about you – do you think my neighbor deserved a referral discount?  Have you ever received a referral discount or finder's fee? If so, what was the situation?