How to Maximize Your Mentor Relationships By Femme Frugality

I'd like to welcome Femme of Femme Frugality as my guest poster today. Femme is a personal finance blogger who writes about money saving for students, brides, parents and Pittsburghers. She  shares how she maximizes her mentor relationships for greater career success:  

 I work in a field where mentorship is not only highly valued, but an essential part of your career path.  Without it you never learn the ins and outs, you never learn the skills you need to succeed in your field, and you never build the connections needed to land employment.  Over the course of my career I have had mentors come in many forms:  boss, peer, professor, and, of course, the traditional role of a designated mentor where their entire goal was to work with me to better prepare me for the next step in my career.

Through all of this, I’ve learned some major lessons about the best ways to maximize the benefits of your relationship from the mentee’s side.

Learn to Love Feedback

Feedback is the biggest and most obvious benefit of having a mentor.  Learn to love it!  It can be uncomfortable to hear you faults and inadequacies, but the entire reason your mentor is there is to help you grow and improve.  That is impossible if you are not receptive to their feedback.  Don’t get defensive.  Don’t break down and cry.  Recognize that they want you to succeed, and that the best way for them to help you do that is to correct your mistakes.

You know you have a great mentor when you’re hearing positive feedback from them, as well.  There will be things you’re doing right, and they will recognize them.  Recognize it in yourself, and allow it to build confidence, but not to the point of arrogance.

Constantly Be Improving Yourself

If you get all that feedback, and then do nothing with it, you’re wasting everyone’s time.  Practice the skill during your off hours, even if it’s something as simple as how to handle specific conversations.  One thing I’ve tried to do over my career is seek out workshops that target my areas of weakness, and attend every last one of them.  One of my first bosses told me it was why they sent me out on difficult assignments.  “I see you going to all these workshops, trying to improve yourself as much as you can.  You’re new, but I’d rather send out someone new who’s trying to get better every day than someone with decades of experience who’s been treading in muddy water all these years.”

That was powerful to me, and has helped me never become complacent about where I stand.  In twenty years you’ll still see me continuing my education, because there is always, always, always something you can be learning and improving.

Build Personal Relationships

It’s good to be professional, but build a personal relationship with your mentor within that context.  You’re likely spending a lot of time together if you’re getting feedback about your performance, so there should be plenty of time to ask about their weekend, the kids, the wife, hobbies, etc.  I’m not suggesting you become a creeper, but have conversations that real people would have with each other.  Not only will it help build your bond and trust with each other, but that bond and trust will help you later down the line as you need references and networking.  Your mentor can become one of the most important connections in your career.  Build a positive relationship now so that you’re not just begging for a favor down the line.

Keep In Touch

If you do need a favor down the line, you’re going to have to be able to reach them.  I’ve lived a fairly transient life, and while I’ve kept in touch with a majority of my mentors, there is one that I regrettably did not.  Life got really busy for the both of us.  People moved, phone numbers changed, emails got lost in the shuffle.  I regret this professionally, but also on a personal level as I really valued that personal relationship we had built.

When you are keeping in touch, don’t just contact them when you need something.  Keep them updated when you reach professional milestones, being sure to thank them for their huge contribution to your career.  When something new happens in your industry, ask them their opinion on it.  When you’re wondering how they’re doing in general, shoot them an email asking them just that.  Don’t flood their inbox, but be in touch often enough that they remember you exist, and that they know you remember them and all they have done for you.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions

During your mentorship, don’t be afraid to ask questions.  It’s why you’re there.  If something comes up that makes your scratch your head, or a situation arises that makes you question ethical bounds, be sure to get their advice. 

After your mentorship concludes, don’t be afraid to ask questions.  Things come up in everyone’s profession that will make them think twice about an upcoming decision or recent reaction.  Going to them when these things happen will not only benefit you via their advice.  It will show them you view them as an expert, worth drawing knowledge from even after the conclusion of your formal mentorship.  It’s also a good way to keep the lines of communication open, keeping in touch.

In a nutshell, everything I’ve learned has come down to total humility, a good work ethic, and building and maintaining relationships.  Be eager for feedback, even when it’s “negative.”  Use it to identify areas where you can actively improve, and then go do the things you need to do in order to make those improvements.  Ask questions when you don’t know the answers, and build a strong enough relationship that it will last for the long haul.  I’ve been so lucky to have such great mentors; I truly consider them some of the best people I’ve been lucky enough to have in my life, in any capacity.  And I feel so lucky that these relationships have turned into something deeper: friendships built on professionalism and respect.

The Real Reason You Weren’t Invited Along on that Consulting Trip

Last month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, read Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. In an earlier post, I revealed a perfume commercial from the 70's was responsible for shaping my life’s vision. Then we discussed whether greater sexual freedom meant a loss of power for women and why women opt-out of their careers.

Today I want to tell you the real reason you weren't invited along on that consulting trip. In Wonder Women, Spar recounts a conversation she had with a senior executive who openly joked he would never take a woman on a consulting trip. 

"My wife would kill me!" (Pg. 238)

I wonder how many women were not invited to lunch, out for drinks or on overnight business trips because of what others may think. These missed opportunities result in another advancement strategy not available to women.

Spar recommends two thing that will prod the evolution along:

1. We need to get a larger critical mass of women into the organizations dealing with these tensions. The more women there are in an organization, the more openly gay men and women - the more diversity - the less potent the sexual pressures will be on everyone.

2. The senior men in any organization need to engage actively and professionally with the women around them. They need to bring them along on trips, take them to lunch, invite them for golf and to meet their wives.  If there is a hint of sexual attraction involved, so be it. Deal with it, and move on.   

In my position as accounting manager, I am almost never included in management meetings held off-site. For many years I was the only female manager at my company.  I had assumed I was required to stay back to manage the office while my boss was out, then one of my employees pointed out I should be at those meetings - all of the other departments seem to make it through the day with their manager absent. Also, by not attending these meetings I miss out on critical organizational information no one thinks to share with me not to mention the relationship building opportunities I miss out on. It is interesting to note my female predecessor was not invited to those meetings either.

I have a female friend who works in HR. In her first job she was regularly invited to lunch by her company’s CFO.  She often comments that she learned more about finance during those lunches than she ever did in the classroom. Unfortunately her co-workers spread rumors that the two of them were having an affair.

Then there is my former female co-worker who in the 80’s claimed she had been propositioned for sex while on a business trip with her boss. She refused.  Upon returning to work after the trip, working for him became so unbearable she had to leave.

Contradictory to Spar's advice, Anna Runyan in her book The Professional Woman's Guide to Managing Mensuggests:

Be aware of one-on-one meetings with the men you manage at restaurants and coffee shops. These can quickly turn into “date” types of situations.  Try to bring along another work colleague to these meetings. Try to hold the meeting in the office or where there will be a lot of people around.  If you need to leave the office, recommend breakfast or lunch meetings over happy hours and dinners.  You don’t want a business meeting to turn into an uncomfortable situation. (Pg. 38)

She then gives the following advice if a male employee makes an unwanted sexual advance:

The most important thing you can do is to catch this immediately before it turns into sexual harassment.  Try to resolve the situation right away with a conversation.  If you feel comfortable enough, you can use humor to try to keep the working relationship on a positive level and say something like, “Were you flirting with me? I hope not, I really like working with you.” If humor is not working, be clear and straightforward.  Tell him that you are not interested and your relationship needs to stay professional.  If he continues to hit on you, contact Human Resources. (Pg. 44) 

What is your experience? Are you or the women in your workplace given opportunities to network with men at lunch, on business trips or on the golf course? Were they positive or negative experiences?

*Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on Femme Frugality and Savvy Working Gal*

You Don’t Seem Happy Anymore

It was December 23^rd and I was exhausted from both work and holiday preparations when my husband asked if I’d like to have a glass of wine by the fire.  I half-heartedly said, “Sure” and grabbed the book I’ve been reading - Gretchen Rubin’s Happier at Home: Kiss More, Jump More, Abandon Self-Control, and My Other Experiments in Everyday Life. I wanted to read (I am an introvert and need down time when confronted with a lot of social activity) while my husband was looking forward to a nostalgic conversation about the Christmas’s of our past.  His sister is moving to a new home this January and we would be celebrating the holidays in her old home for the last time. No one in the family was interested in having this conversation including myself.  After several failed conversation attempts he finally said:

"You don’t seem happy anymore.  You don’t laugh or joke or want to have fun.  All you do is work and when you are home you are either reading or working on the computer.  When you do engage in conversation you are usually negative. You never used to be this way.  When I met you, you were happy, laughed easily and had a carefree positive attitude. What can I do to help you change back to the person you used to be?"  

This was somewhat of a wake-up call. He is right and the reasons are numerous. Since my bunion surgery last summer, I’ve gained back all of the weight I lost two years ago and still am not back to my normal workout routine.  I feel lethargic and remain continuously behind both at work and at home and from time to time I feel mildly depressed. I don’t take enough time off – nine of my earned vacation days went unused in 2013 - the most vacation I’ve lost ever. In addition, I’m feeling old and trapped in my current life and job.  

My reading of Gretchen’s book Happier at Home suddenly took on new meaning, “How can I be happier at home in 2014.”  One thing I know for sure is my husband can’t do anything to change me.  If I want to change my life I have to do it myself. Here are my goals for 2014:

Interior Design:
I am re-committing to keeping a gratitude journal:
I’ve kept journals in the past and they’ve been helpful especially when going through a rough time.  This year, in addition to writing what I am grateful for, my focus is going to be on writing about the positive aspects of my day and if it includes working with someone who is difficult or annoying I need to write something positive about that person. Also as a way to know myself better, I am going to pay attention to what I envy and what I lie about.  I found it interesting that I was envious of a friend when others commented on how efficient she is. 

Control over possessions and time

Make to-do lists:
I’ve never been a big list maker.  I like to keep things in my head and only write down an important deadline or two on my calendar. Last fall I attended a seminar called “Getting Things Done” based on a book of the same title written by David Allen. At the seminar we were required to do a “Mind Sweep” a process where we were required to write everything we needed to get done both at work and at home on a piece of paper. The idea is to get these tasks out of our minds. I used this list during the month of December and it helped tremendously.  One of my biggest sources of unhappiness is missing appointments or remembering a deadline when it is too late.   

Implement a new filing system both at work and at home.
This was also covered in the “Getting Things Done” seminar. Lost and misplaced items are a huge source of unhappiness for me.  I’ve previously written about my messy desk at work and my files at home are currently packed so tight I couldn’t possibly place another piece of paper in them let alone find anything.  After having difficulty finding financial papers at the end of the year, I began implementing a new filing system both at home and at work.

Suffer for 15 minutes:
I’ve started taking a dreaded task from my above to-do list and spending 15 minutes a day on it.  This is so much better than tackling the entire list on a Saturday.  Setting up a credit-card payment or renewing our DOT fleet license at work are never fun tasks, but ones that can easily be accomplished in 15 minutes or less. It is also much better than waiting ‘til the due date and then frantically searching for passwords.

Teach and delegate:
When asked a question at work I need to teach others where to find the information or how to do the work themselves or delegate it. Taking on too much at work is one of my major sources of inefficiency.

Buy what I need and get rid of what I don’t:
I tend to be an under-buyer and a slight hoarder. This basically means I have a lot of stuff people have given me, I’ve gotten for free, are obsolete, I no longer need and not what I do need.  I find myself scrambling when I run out of printer ink or don’t have warm clothes that fit adequately when the temperatures go below zero. 

Body:
Stop eating sugar:
I am an abstainer. I’ve known this since reading Gretchen's previous book The Happiness Project. She describes an abstainer as someone who finds it easier to abstain from something than to indulge moderately.  Abstainers aren’t tempted by things that are off limits, but once started have trouble stopping.

Moderators, by contrast do better when they act with moderation, because they feel trapped and rebellious at the thought of never “getting” or doing something. Occasional indulgence heightens their pleasure and strengthens their resolve. (Pg. 122)  

I’ve given up sugar in the past and find that completely abstaining is the only way I can keep from binging. Effective immediately I am no longer going to eat any sugary treats.

Seek out a workout that works for me:
I’m still searching for a workout that I enjoy that isn’t too strenuous.   I plan to try a Barre class in the coming weeks and will continue to look for new workouts after my foot heals completely.  I would like to meet with a fitness consultant to help map a workout routine that is tailored to my fitness needs and abilities.

Finding my Calcutta:
One of my major sources of unhappiness comes from my life not “being” about anything.  I feel as if life is passing me by as I sit in my office fixing accounting entries all day. I had a conversation with another male co-worker who feels similar.  He is the manager of one of our company stores and feels he makes a difference in about 30 people’s lives, but that is it.  He thinks the items his store sells are no longer made well and are a huge headache to sell and service. After he retires in a few years he hopes to do something more meaningful with his life.

Lighten-up:
In 2014, I need to stop being so hard on myself.  Perhaps I too can wait until I retire and have more free time to make my life be about something.  I still have this blog which I am attempting to turn into a mentoring club for women.  I started The Savvy Reader Book Club last year and try to write regular posts that hopefully help women.  One of my friends suggests I work on this blog only when I have they time and not to feel guilty when I don't have time. Family and work come first.

Give gold stars:
For me, this means paying more attention to my husband.  Closing my book when he wants to have a conversation or moving away from the computer for a few minutes to actively listen when he tells me about his day.  Acknowledge and thank him for doing something that makes my life easier or better – for having an incredible meal ready when I get home from work on New Year’s Eve or helping with the cleaning when I have to work on Saturdays during January. Or just going outside and spending time with him and our dogs in the back yard instead of checking my twitter feed for the umpteenth time.  

Have you made any resolutions to be happier at home in 2014? 

This post was inspired by Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin where she runs a nine month experiment to create happier surroundings. Join From Left to Write on January 6 we discuss Happier at Home. You can also chat live with Gretchen Rubin on January 7 on Facebook! As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Final Thoughts on Sheryl Sandberg's Book Lean-in

This month The Savvy Reader Book Club read Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Today I am sharing my final thoughts on this book. Previous discussions included What does "lean-in" mean for you?, When Taking a Pay-Cut is a Good Career Move, Sheryl Sandberg's Advice on How to Get Hired and Receiving a Job or Promotion Because You Are a Woman.

As you may recall I put-off reading this book because of the numerous negative reviews I'd read on-line; I thought it wouldn't be worth my time.  Was I wrong.  This book is the best career advice book I've read in years.  Here are a few additional career lessons from the book I didn't cover in previous posts:

Don't ever ask someone if they are your mentor:
This question is a total mood killer.  If someone has to ask the question, the answer is probably no. When someone finds the right mentor it is obvious.  (Pgs. 65-66)

Also a note from my experience, don't hand your business card to someone immediately upon meeting them with no additional conversation.  I can guarantee that business card will end up in the garbage.

On negotiation:
The goal of successful negotiation is to achieve our objective and continue to have people like us.  Professor Riley Bowles believes that women can increase their chances of achieving a desired outcome by doing two things in combination.  First, women must come across as being nice, concerned about others, and "appropriately female."

Sheryl advises many women to negotiate rather than accept the original offer. By doing so, women position themselves as connected to a group and not just out for themselves; in effect they are negotiating for all women.  Whenever possible, women should substitute "we" for "I."

According to Bowles, the second thing women must do is provide a legitimate explanation for the negotiation.  Men don't need to do this.  (Pg. 47)

What can we do to change social norms:
Too many work standards remain inflexible and unfair, often penalizing women with children.  Too many talented women try their hardest to reach the top and bump up against systemic barriers.  So many others pull back because they do not think they have a choice.  All of this brings me back to Leymah Gbowee's insistence that we need more women in power.  When leadership insists that these policies change they will.  Google put in pregnancy parking when I asked for it and it remains there long after I left.  We must raise both the ceiling and the floor. (Pg. 169)

Bottom line:
I think Sheryl Sandberg 's book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead would make a great graduation gift in addition to being an excellent choice for any career centered book club.

 

If you read this book what did you think?

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate