Has greater sexual freedom meant a loss of power for women?

This month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, is reading Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. In last week's discussion, I revealed a perfume commercial from the 70's was responsible for shaping my life’s vision. Today I’d like to discuss chapter 3 – sex and the social contract.

Spar begins by explaining that the courting/dating culture that was common prior to the sexual revolution no longer exists. Today’s young men no longer ask women out on dates or to go steady. Instead they “hook up” - a boy meets a girl at a party and takes her home for sex. In one recent survey of college students, 75 percent of the male respondents and 84 percent of the females reported having hooked up at least once during their college years. (Pg. 68)

Spar feels this greater sexual freedom has resulted in a loss of power for women:

There’s something about hooking up that seems to reflect a diminution of women’s choices rather an expansion, a decrease in women’s power rather than a rise.

Ultimately the crux of the matter is whether women truly enjoy the freedom that comes from uncommitted sex. And it’s not clear that they do. Instead, as Stepp reports in Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, many of the women who embrace the hookup culture for some period of time (usually their freshman year of college) later come to regret it. Rather than feeling empowered by their conquests, they feel abandoned by the men they thought might be their boyfriends. Rather than whisking blithely from one affair to the next, they are waiting by the phone (now, at least conveniently in their pocket) for last night’s encounter to call them back. Because the hookup is so clearly not about commitment, though, he rarely does. And the women are left, longing for something they swore they didn’t want. (Pg. 70)

Then there is the money proponent:

Sex has long been connected to some underlying notion of exchange; to some sense, in other words, that each of the parties in a sexual relationship was getting something- be it property or pleasure or a lifetime of protection – out of it. Hooking up challenges this historical relationship. Echoing the anthem of the sexual revolution, it presumes that men and women are free to have sex whenever they want, with whomever they want, and with no commitment implied by the act. 

The question, though, is whether women truly get equal value from a relationship based on “free” sex. Are they equally content to give-and get-sex for nothing, or have they perhaps given men what they want (easy, cheap sex) without getting much in return? (Pg. 72)

While reading this chapter, I couldn’t help but be reminded of a young woman who lived in my dormitory my freshman year of college. I distinctly remember the afternoon a group of us were sitting around discussing our Saturday night plans when this girl announced she hoped to get lucky. If a guy could have a one-night stand without anyone thinking twice about it, she could too. Later that year, I would find her crying in the restroom because a boy was no longer interested in hooking up with her. A year or two later I would run into her again, she would confide she had just had an abortion. She hadn’t even liked her baby’s father yet terminating her pregnancy was one of the hardest decisions of her life.

Eventually, she would marry and have two daughters.

I would meet her for drinks a few years ago when she was visiting in my area. Her former hook-up lifestyle came up in conversation. This was not the life she wanted for her daughters.

As to the loss of power, I wouldn’t want to go back to the era where women were treated as possessions or a man felt he had to marry a women who became pregnant (then would abuse her), but I do think something can be said for waiting a bit before having sex. People tend to appreciate something they have to work for a little bit more.

This quote from Terry Tempest William’s book When Women Were Birds is a good example of why the hook-up experience is different for a woman than a man:

Because what every woman knows each month when she bleeds is, I am not pregnant. Because what every woman understands each time she makes love is, Life could be in the making now. Which is why when a woman allows a man to enter her, it is not just a physical act, but an act of surrendering to the possibility that her life may no longer be hers alone. Because until she bleeds, she will check her womb every day for the stirrings of life. Because until she bleeds, she wonders if her life will be one or two or three. Because until she bleeds, she imagines every possibility from pleasure to pain to birth to death and how she will do what she needs to do, and until she bleeds, she will worry endlessly, until she bleeds.

Today’s question again comes from The Reading Group Guides discussion questions for Wonder Women:

Compared to women who courted and married before the sexual revolution, do unmarried women today do a better or worse job managing love, money, and sex in the context of their relationships? Do you agree with Spar that greater sexual freedom has meant a loss of power for women? Have men lost anything?

Why I Mute TV Commercials

This month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, is reading Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. Today is the first in a series of posts I will write throughout the month inspired by this book.

One of the first points Spar, who is roughly the same age as me, makes in Wonder Women is how the perfume commercials we grew up with in the 70’s shaped the visions of our future adult life. She writes:

They stuck somehow in the public consciousness, or at least in the minds of schoolgirls like me, who simply presumed that life in the grown-up world would be just like the ad for Charlie. We'd have careers to skip to, kids to adore us, and men waiting to douse us with perfume the moment we waltzed through the door. Money and great shoes only sweetened the package.

This wasn't of course, the life that our mothers were living. In 1970, only 43 percent of women worked outside the home. In upper-middle-class white families like my own, the number was slightly higher, hovering by 1974 at around 46 percent. Most of these women worked in "traditional" fields such as teaching or nursing, and they rarely wore stilettos to the job. Yet somehow, girls growing up in that era believed - thought, presumed, knew - that they would be different. That instead of replicating their mothers' suburban idylls of parent-teacher conferences and three-tiered Jell-I molds, they-we-would go the way of Charlie, enjoying children and jobs, our husbands' money and our own. And through it all, we would be smiling and singing, gracefully enjoying the combined pleasures of life. (Pg. 16)

I was astonished. I can't believe my entire life's vision had evolved from a commercial. I vividly remember watching the following Enjoli ad on TV and thinking this is the life I am going to have. I even told my friends quoting the famous line: "I can bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan. And never forget you're a man. Cause I'm a woman.

This wasn't the first time entire generations of women were influenced by advertisements.  In Betty Friedan's book The Feminine Mystique, Betty writes how middle-class white women in the 50's and 60's abandoned their careers so they could buy the latest carpet sweeper and cleaning cleanser. A lifestyle perpetuated by magazine editors who restricted the topics and advertisements portrayed in their magazines. Friedman had studied women’s magazines for decades and found the editorial decisions were made by men who enforced “occupation housewife.” Articles and advertisements only portrayed women as housewives. They didn’t want them to have any other ambitions than to be housewives.

Which brings me to The Reading Group Guides discussion questions for Wonder Women.  The very first question asks:

Do contemporary print and electronic publications (advertising, magazines, blogs) persist in creating impossible ideals of beauty, success, and motherhood in the name of commerce, or has this approach been tempered somewhat through the use of more realistic images and languages?

Umm... I  have to say yes.   Even ads like the following Special K commercial which urges women to shut down the fat talk leaves me feeling embarrassed about my weight:

Fortunately, I don't watch a lot of TV and when I do I either fast forward through the commercials or mute them.

What do you think:

Do contemporary print and electronic publications (advertising, magazines, blogs) persist in creating impossible ideals of beauty, success, and motherhood in the name of commerce, or has this approach been tempered somewhat through the use of more realistic images and languages? Can you site examples?

The Savvy Reader Book Gift List

As I was contemplating what to buy friends and family this holiday season I realized many of my favorite reads of 2013 would make excellent gifts. Here is my hypothetical gift list:

For my friend and colleague Kate:

Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. This is the best career book I‘ve read in years and one that I wish I’d read earlier in my career. I recommend this book for any woman who is looking to re-charge her career.

As a companion read I would include:

Debora L. Spar’s Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection.Spar is the president of Barnard College and has written a book about how our culture has evolved in the last 50-years. She details how women struggled to gain power, but instead ended up caught in an endless quest for perfection. I found myself nodding in agreement as Spar describes how women today try to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother and the perfect career person. 

For my sister who is the mother of three children under the age of eight:

Crystal Ponti's The Mother of All Meltdowns: Real Stories of Moms' Finest (Worst, Completely Awful) Moments. When I saw the look on my sister’s face as her 4-year old kept insisting he wasn’t wearing pants or shoes on our outing I realized perhaps motherhood is much harder than I realized. After reading the melt-down moments the authors share in this book I hope my sister learns she is not alone and that there is no such thing as a perfect mom or child. Please see Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection from above.

For my niece who will be moving to Santa Monica by herself next year:

Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. This book explores how fear is a gift that can be used to keep us safe and explains how we can spot even subtle signs of danger—before it’s too late. Gavin teaches us how to listen to and trust our intuition. I recommend this book to anyone who will be living on their own for the first time.

For the niece who is graduating from college this December and has nothing constructive to do until grad school begins next fall:

Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar. It could be a coincidence, but after reading this book I snapped out of the funk I had been in for almost a year. I recommend this book - a compilation of Strayed’s Dear Sugar advice columns - to any young adult approaching their quarter-life crises.

For my non-fiction loving friend who read and enjoyed Robert K. Massie's Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman after learning of it from this blog post:

George Parker's The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America. I am currently reading this book and am amazed by how comprehensive it is. Packer follows the lives of several Americans over the past three decades. In doing so he describes how America which was once a super power is beginning to become undone. I recommend this book for anyone who likes to read about current events or who is interested in the increasing disparity between the rich and poor.

 

Please note, I am an Amazon affiliate

What was your favorite reads of the year? Would you give them as gifts?

Receiving a Job or Promotion Because You are a WOMAN

This month The Savvy Reader Book Club is reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Today is the forth in a series of posts I am writing though out the month inspired by Lean in. Previous posts discussed What does "lean-in" mean for you?, When Taking a Pay-Cut is a Good Career Move and Sheryl Sandberg's Advice on How to Get Hired.

Today I would like to talk about receiving a job or promotion because you are a woman.

When Sheryl was named the Treasury Department's chief of Staff in 1999, several people remarked to her:

"It must have helped that you were a woman." (Pg. 144)

Note there was no affirmative action for woman at the Treasury.

Oh my gosh! People have said something similar to me.  When I was in school studying to be a CPA more than one person told me I would have no trouble finding a job when I finished because "I was a woman."

Not even two weeks ago, a male I know who works for a fortune 500 company, told me the only way you can be promoted today in his division was to be a minority female. Seriously, I can't imagine promotions are awarded to minority females over men just because of gender or race.

It was conversations like these that inspired Sheryl to begin talking about women in the workplace. Here is a quote from her very first talk on this subject:

I began my talk by explaining that in business we are taught to fit in, but that I was starting to think this might not be the right approach.  I said out loud that there are differences between men and women both in their behavior and in the way their behavior is perceived by others.  I admitted that I could see these dynamics playing out in the workforce, and that, in order to fix the problems, we needed to be able to talk about gender without people thinking we were crying for help, asking for special treatment, or about to sue.  (Pg. 145)

Have you ever been told you or someone else received a job or promotion because of gender?  How do you think we can change these stereotypes?

What does “lean in” mean for you?

This month The Savvy Reader Book Club is reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Today is the first in a series of posts I plan on writing though out the month inspired by the book.

What was Sheryl Sandburg's motivation behind Lean-In?

When Sheryl Sandburg graduated from college in 1991 and from business school in 1995 her entry-level colleagues were a balanced mix of male and female. She saw that her senior leaders were almost entirely male, but she thought that was due to historical discrimination against women. She thought it was only a matter of time before her generation took their fair share of leadership roles. But with each passing year fewer and fewer of her colleagues were women. More and more often she was the only woman in the room. 

She feels the problem is two-fold:

External barriers erected by society
Blatant and subtle sexism, discrimination and sexual harassment.
Too few workplaces offering flexibility and access to child care and parental leave.
Men having an easier time finding mentors and sponsors who are invaluable for career progression.  
Men are promoted based on potential while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

Self-imposed internal barriers:
Lacking self-confidence.
Not raising our hands.
Pulling back when we should be leaning in.
Internalizing internal messages we get throughout our lives – the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, and more powerful than men.
We lower our expectations of what we can achieve.
We continue to do the majority of the housework and childcare.
We compromise our career goals to make room for partners and children who may not even exist yet.
Compared to our male colleagues, fewer of us aspire to senior positions.

Sheryl’s argument is that getting rid of the internal barriers is critical to gaining power.

In the introduction of Lean-in she writes:

I am writ­ing this book for any woman who wants to increase her chances of mak­ing it to the top of her field or pur­sue any goal vig­or­ously. This includes women at all stages of their lives and careers, from those who are just start­ing out to those who are tak­ing a break and may want to jump back in. 

This book makes the case for lean­ing in, for being ambi­tious, in any pursuit. (pgs. 9-10) 

She then promises to provide adjustments and differences we can make within ourselves to reduce self-imposed internal barriers in subsequent chapters.

I recently watched a news program where a group of women were talking about leaning-in. Every one of them felt they couldn’t possibly lean-in to their careers more than they currently were doing. They were completely tapped out. After reading most of this book I can’t help but wonder if they’d actually read the book themselves or if they were just responding to the hype. I also wonder if they had thought about what leaning-in actually means to them.

For me leaning-in no longer means doing whatever it takes to get the corner office. (Actually I have a corner office – it is kind of small though - but it does have a window with a view of our back parking lot.) I also make a decent salary, but am not paid nearly as much as a man would be paid in a similar position. At this stage of my life I don’t want to lean into my career. I want to lean-in to my life. I want to a second career that is more meaningful and less time consuming than the one I have now. 
 

The example from the book that resonated with me the most is the one where Larry Kanarek manager of the Washington D.C. office of McKinsey and Company gathered his employees together for a talk.

He explained that since he was running the office, employees came to him when they wanted to quit. Over time, he noticed that people quit for one reason only: they were burnt out, tired of working long hours and traveling. Larry said he could understand the complaint, but what he could not understand was that all the people who quit- every single one- had unused vacation time. Up until the day they left, they did everything McKinsey asked of them before deciding that is was too much.

Larry implored us to exert more control over our careers. He said McKinsey would never stop making demands on our time, so it was up to us to decide what we were willing to do. It was our responsibility to draw the line. We needed to determine how many hours we were willing to work in a day and how many nights we were willing to travel. If later on, the job did not work out, we would know that we had tried on our own terms.  

Counterintuitively, long-term success at work often depends on not trying to meet every demand placed on us. The best way to make room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately - to set limits and stick to them. (pg. 126)

Wow did that hit home. I am one of those people who doesn't use all of my vacation time. Even with my recent bunion surgery I worked from home four of the eight days I was out of the office. At the end of this year I will probably have at least two weeks of unused vacation – ouch. One of my fellow male managers called me out on this. He said I work so much that it is now expected. He strongly encouraged me to break this cycle and begin taking care of myself. He uses all of his four weeks of vacation each year, upper management complains when he is out of the office, but he does it anyway. He does make himself available for questions via phone and email while he is out, but he doesn’t actually sit down and work.

For me leaning-in has to involve setting limits and learning to stick to them without feeling guilty

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Are you reading this book? What are your thoughts so far? What does “lean-in” mean for you?

Why I love Caitlin Moran’s book ‘How to be a Woman’

I was looking over a woman's shoulder as the following photo of Hillary Clinton appeared on her computer screen:

Kevin Lamarque / AFP - Getty Images

This particular woman who rarely utters a bad word about anyone and refuses to discuss politics even when probed turned to me, pointed at Hillary’s photo and said:

"She is so ugly."

I was dumbfounded. Not, “I hate her politics” or “She was the worst first lady we’ve ever had or even “She sucks as Secretary of State,” but, “She is ugly.” Seriously! I hesitated a bit before saying, “I think she's been traveling a lot and is probably tired” and quickly changed the subject.

To make matters worse this was the article featured with the photo: 'It pains me': Clinton decries plight of women in male-dominated countries It relayed Hillary’s emotional speech warning there will be "many sacrifices and losses" before daughters were "valued as sons" across the world and included this quote from Hillary:

We are on the right side of history in this struggle, but there will be many sacrifices and losses until we finally reach a point where daughters are valued as sons, where girls are as educated as boys, where women are encouraged and permitted to make their contributions to their families, to their societies just as the men are.

This episode occurred the day after I read Black Girl in Maine’s post Dear retailers, you will not steal my kid's innocence about her difficulties shopping for an affordable age appropriate dress for her seven year old daughter’s upcoming holiday concert. Instead of finding a cute dress appropriate for a seven year old she could only find dresses that were sexualized, designed to show off non-existent curves and inappropriate as hell.

As the afternoon progressed, I couldn’t get these incidents out of my head; how our society continues to value and promote appearance over accomplishments, how women continue to struggle to be seen as equal to men and how being taken seriously in the workplace is still a common topic of conversation amongst professional women in my social circle. 

This brings me to the book I am currently reading: Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman which consists of a series of personal essays all promoting a stand against sexism. Unfortunately for me the book has become unreadable. When Moran mentioned she has of course tasted her own menstrual blood I realized I couldn’t go on. The book is just too crass and vulgar for my tastes.    

Then it occurred to me why I love this book - I am not Caitlin Moran’s target audience. Her audience is the 20 to 30 year old woman who doesn’t believe she needs to be concerned with feminism. If they can find humor is Moran’s writing and actually read her book Moran just might be able to convince them feminism means being equal to boys, having the right to make the same amount of money, the same access to education, to have sexual harassment be a crime and to believe they deserve to be valued for more than just their appearance. If so, then this is a wonderful book. I don’t want this generation of women to become middle-aged and like the woman above be unable to see past a bad hair day to recognize the extraordinary accomplishments of a woman like Hillary Clinton.

Have you read Caitlin Moran’s book How to Be a Woman? What were your thoughts?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Making Women Count: Ending the Year on a Low Note
Getting a Clue About Feminism
The Feminine Mystique


 

Will I be pretty?

I discovered this video of poetry slammer Katie Makkai reciting her poem “Pretty” over on Bella of One Sister's Rant's website. Watch it – I guarantee you’re definition of the word “pretty” will never be the same:

In Bella's post Who's ready to stop the insanity?, Bella encourages us to join forces and together redefine what comprises beauty. She writes:

Let us laugh, giggle, and support each other in our grief, pain, and triumphs.

Let us go back to the time when being best friends meant sharing secrets, helping one another, and splitting a stick of gum.

Let us encourage each other so that we can all come to believe we are beautiful; that we are worthy.

The only way we can stop the insanity is by coming together to say, enough.

Let us demonstrate that the sisterhood still exists and it’s on a mission; a mission to stop the insanity.

What say you, ladies?
Are you in?

I was the first one to respond I was in.  Stopping the insanity has long been one of the goals of this blog and my Making Women Count project. One of my biggest life regrets is spending too much time and mental energy in my teens and twenties trying to attain society’s ideal of “pretty.”  

For all of you, who are joining forces with Bella and me, be advised we have our work cut out for us.  My 10-year old niece is a gifted athlete, but receives many more messages from family, her peers and the media that she should work on being more “girlie” rather than on her soccer game or pitching arm.  At a recent Father-Daughter dance at her school, some of her fourth grade classmates showed up in makeup and with their hair professionally styled.  These are nine and ten year olds.

Then there is the latest addition to our family.  A baby girl born on Valentine’s Day:

Just days old and there have already been comments about her appearance.  Here is a picture of the baby's parents and brothers:

Have you spotted the baby's flaw?

You got it.

The baby's hair is not blonde.

It is not the baby's mother who is concerned about this (she knows her baby is perfect), but another family member.  A bleached blonde who gasped when I pointed out that the natural hair color of all the adult members of our family is actually brown.

I spend many family get-togethers kicking this particular family member under the table or jabbing her with my elbow while she is talking to the ten-year old.   I don't want today's girls growing up believing the message society continues to force upon girls:  we need to be "pretty."  Instead why can't we instill the message from my favorite line of Kattie Makkai's poem:

“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.” 

What can we do to stop the insanity? How can we change the conversation?
Lisa Bloom in How to talk to little girls provides an excellent example of how to talk to little girls.  Instead of telling a little girl she had met how gorgeous she was and asking her to model her pretty dress, she asked her about her favorite book.  What a novel idea; asking her about her mind. Bloom goes on to say:

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

Be cognizant of opportunities to change the conversation:
Recently ahead of me in the checkout-line at the grocery store, an eleven-year old girl and her mother were admiring the models on magazine covers. The girl was pointing at them talking about how pretty and skinny they were. I butted in on their conversation and said, "They don't really look like that you know. Those photos are photo shopped." Her mother took my cue and agreed with me.  She began telling her daughter how perfect she was and that she didn't need to wear makeup.

Are you ready to change the conversation and to stop the insanity? If so head over to Bella's blog and let her know you too are in.

Here are links from a few fellow bloggers who've committed to changing the conversation:
Virginia Sole Smith's Brave Books for Girls (not Princesses) provides a list of her favorite books from childhood featuring brave (non-princess-y) girls as the main characters and none of them never so much as mentions their weight.

Elizabeth at Yo Mama praises Ashley Judd for slapping media in the face for speculation over her 'puffy' face appearance in  Making Ashley Judd's Moment Last.

Lori at The Ole Master Plan writes about weight and her own experience with prednisone in Worth Doesn't Equal a Size 4.

If you have written a blog post or know of one that belongs on the above list, let me know I will be happy to add it. Let's work together and say enough.

Biography of Fannie Lou Hamer: A study in strength and leadership

Motivation for Reading:

I selected Kay Mills book This Little Light of Mine: The Life of Fannie Lou Hamer for my Women's History Month read when Sarah at Citizen Reader wrote the following comment about the book in her post 100 Best-ish Nonfiction Titles: Biography :

Fannie Lou Hamer, born in 1917 to a sharecropping family with 20 children, lived through enormous hardship and poverty and still overcame to become a leading figure in the fight for civil rights. THIS is a book they should be teaching in history and women's studies courses.

My Thoughts:
If every biography was as good as This Little Light of Mine: The Life of Fannie Lou Hamer, I would definitely read more biographies. The life of Fannie Lou Hamer is an amazing story.  What makes it so remarkable is that from the outside this poor, short black woman seemed like an unlikely candidate to become a civil rights icon. How did this woman who risked everything including her life become so fearless? Kay Mills provides an excellent study of the factors contributing to Fannie Lou Hamer’s strength to carry on despite so many obstacles, set backs and ill health.  Fannie Lou's sources of strength included:

Her mother:
Fannie Lou’s mother was one of the strongest influences of her life. My mother was a great woman.

She went through a lot of suffering to bring us up, but she still taught us to be decent and to respect ourselves. (Pg. 17)

Her faith:
One of the most important principles she was taught was that hating made one as weak as those filled with hatred. The church in Mississippi was one of the most segregated institutions in the state, and still is. Fannie Lou sought to understand, expose and destroy the root cause of oppression. She questioned many things about the misuse of power in this land.

Fannie Lou had learned how to reach down to some deep consciousness, a deeper place inside her in order to survive. As June Sugarman recalled:

I have never been in the presence of someone where I felt that person was so connected to her faith and that was her stability. (Pg. 178)

She loved her country:
Fannie Lou had this knowledge of the constitution, what this country was supposed to be. She believed in her countries promise despite her personal experiences.

Music:
There are many examples throughout the book where at just the right moment Fannie Lou would start singing. Music helped her overcome her fears and calm those of others. One of her favorite songs was “This Little Light of Mine.”

Anger:
Her anger was touched with sorrow, about her lack of control over her life. Her anger after her arrest and subsequent beating at the jail in Winona made her even more determined to become a first-class citizen

Another teaching point of the book is her role as a leader:
Fannie Lou Hamer was also a natural leader with the ability to rally people around her. She was an organizer. She delivered. She prodded people to take an extra step, to think for themselves about their own problems.

When you are talking about important roles, you have to ask which person has the most important role – the one who speaks or the one who got the people there? Fannie Lou Hamer could do both. (Pg. 202)

Bottom Line:
In addition to being an excellent choice for Women’s History Month, this book provides a study of the civil rights movement, the history, culture and politics of Mississippi, and the economic programs and human rights Fannie Lou fought so tirelessly for. Sarah was correct: THIS is a book they should be teaching in history and women's studies courses.

What are you reading for Women's History Month?  Can you recommend additional female biographies that provide a study of strength and leadership?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
A Perfect Book for Women's History Month
Nonfiction Books Every Woman Should Read

Making Women Count: Ending the Year on a Low Note

Last year around this time I read a little book by Susan Bulkeley Butler called Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World. I was so inspired by the book's message (Butler re-assesses how far we’ve come – and how far we have to go) that I made it my 2011 blog goal to Make Women Count. Looking back on my blog postings throughout the year I have to admit many of them were down right depressing.  Here is a sampling:

Shadeism:  I discover that discrimination still exists between lighter-skinned and darker-skinned members in the same community. Mothers along with their daughters, some as young as six, continue to use potentially harmful skin lightening creams. The question has to be asked, "Don't women already have enough to deal with?"

I am Guilty of Gender Bias - In the midst of my Making Women Count Project, I am disappointed with myself when I automatically and wrongly assume a woman I was introduced to is the subordinate and the man she is with the manager.

Muslim Women Reformers - Ida Lichter’s book Muslim Women Reformers: Inspiring Voices Against Oppression I read of the horrific plight of Muslim women and the brave women reformers who risk everything including their lives to fight for social and political rights.

Should Employee Report Sexual Harassment - In this true story, both the female employee and her female manager are afraid to report sexual harassment for fear of retaliation while their male manager continues to grope, intimidate and harass them. 

The Body Project - In Joan Jacobs Brumberg's book The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls I read increasingly since the early 1900s middle-class adolescent girls and women went from developing their inner beauty to working on their body; so much so that their bodies have become a project.

Gender Wealth Gap - In Mariko Chang's book Shortchanged: Why Women Have Less Wealth and What Can Be Done About It I learn that although women are making advances in the pay gap they still drastically drag in the wealth gap owning only 36% as much wealth as a man owns.

Lisa Bloom Preaches to the Choir - In Lisa Bloom's book Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World I learn twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize and that twenty-three percent would rather lose their ability to read than their figures. Come on ladies please stop spending so much time watching reality TV and start spending more time reading.

Then last night I viewed this enlightening video:

In the video Sheryl Sandberg informs us we still have a real problem:
Women became 50 percent of the college graduates in the United States in 1981. Since then, we have slowly and steadily made progress, earning increasingly more of the college degrees, taking more of the entry-level jobs, going into previously male-dominated fields, moving up each step of the ladder. But there is one big exception to this improvement -- the top jobs. Thirty years later, we have not come close to holding our proportional share of positions of power in any industry.

More alarmingly, the numbers at the top are no longer improving. In the 2008 election, women lost seats in Congress for the first time in three decades. Across the corporate sector, women have held 15 to 16 percent of the C-level jobs and Board seats since 2002. Globally, only nine of 190 countries are led by women. So even as people worry about boys falling behind girls in education and write articles with headlines like "The End of Men," we have to acknowledge that men still run the world. Our revolution has stalled.

For me the lowest point of the video was Sheryl's revelation that:

My generation really sadly is not going to change the numbers at the top.  They are just not moving.  We are not going to get to 50% of the population.  In my generation we are not going to get to the 50% of women at the top in any industry.

What generation is Sheryl talking about? Sheryl Sandberg was born August 28, 1969 and is seven years younger than me.  She is right though; my generation and those of you who are a few years younger are not going to achieve this. We had too far to go:

I remember my female dorm mate back in 1981, a civil engineering major whose professor advised her to change her major because women were not qualified to be engineers.  She stuck it out though, coming home in tears more than once after being publicly ridiculed in class.  He gave her a "D."  She graduated five years later with a B.S. in Engineering. I haven't kept up with her, so I don't know where she is now, but I do know she struggled to even become an engineer.

Which brings me to Rebecca Traister's book Big Girls Don't Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women one of my last reads of 2011 recommended by Kim at Sophisticated Dorkiness. I don't particularly enjoy politics, so I really struggled to finish this one; especially the chapters covering the contest between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Since Kim mentioned she enjoyed the chapters after Hillary was out of the race a little bit better I forced myself to soldier on. In the end Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary, and became the first woman ever to win a presidential primary contest - a fact down played by the media  Though with her loss to Barack Obama, many first wave feminists also lost hope of seeing a woman elected president in their lifetime.

The book brought home the realization that both sexism and racism still exist in America and played a role in the 2008 election. Both Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were victims of sexism.  Plus, feminists questioned whether a Sarah Palin win would actually be harmful for feminism. Here is what Lafferty had to say about Sarah Palin in the Daily Beast:

Not believing in abortion personally was one thing. But preventing other women from exerting full control over their bodies and health, assessing their value as lesser than the value of the fetuses they carried, was, it seemed to me and many others, fundamentally anti-feminist and anti-female.

Other interesting tidbits:
Michelle Obama has been forced to tone down her power and brain to better suit the media's demand for a more subdued and traditional first lady.

And as to Hillary – it was easier to embrace this woman in a state of diminished power, once she had lost the big prize, when she was no longer threatening the chances of the cool guy.

In conclusion:
As the title of this blog post indicates my Making Women Count project is ending the year on a low note, although I am energized to hear Sheryl Sandberg state she is hopeful that future generations can achieve the 50%.  While revisiting my initial Making Women Count post, I realized that despite the depressing revelations and disappointing results Making Women Count continues to be important goal for me. I have decided to continue with the project in 2012.

Lisa Bloom Preaches to the Choir

I hadn't planned on reading Lisa Bloom’s book Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World when I picked up a copy from the library. I was only interested in perusing the recommended reading list Alyssa of Socra Teas mentioned in her review of the book. I wasn’t familiar with Lisa Bloom and based on the photo-shopped picture of her printed on the book’s cover I didn’t think she’d have anything to say I didn’t already know.

So I was pleasantly surprised to learn how smart and accomplished Lisa Bloom actually is. She is an award-winning journalist, legal analyst, and trial attorney, a graduate of Yale Law School and a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of UCLA. Once I started reading I couldn’t put the book down.

The book is divided into two sections.

The first half explains the problem:
In just one generation women have made huge strides in education (girls now outperform boys in elementary, middle, and high schools; we graduate from college, professional, and graduate schools in greater numbers than males), while our brains have become devalued.

Currently:
Twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize.

Twenty-three percent would rather lose their ability to read than their figures.

We spend our time watching reality TV, reading tabloids and getting the latest beauty treatments including plastic surgery. Even our news is filled with fluffy pieces; Lindsey Lohan’s latest arrest gets prime time coverage right along with the war in Afghanistan.

Americans know more about Angelina Jolie’s baby bump and her relationship with Brad Pitt than about her humanitarian work. Bloom includes four pages detailing Jolie’s charity work most of which has never been covered by the American media.

She included interesting facts such as:
The United States has a higher ratio of maternal deaths than at least forty other countries even though we spend more money per capita for maternity care than any other country. Yet 38 percent of Americans believe that our health care system is “above average” or “the best in the world.” (Pg. 36)

We imprison far more of our population than any other country in the world. We incarcerate more of our own population, in raw numbers, than China, a notoriously punitive country with more than four times our population. (Pg. 42)

According to the National Endowment for the Arts in its comprehensive 2004 study, To Read or Not to Read, one-third of high-school graduates never read another book for the rest of his life. (Pg. 48)

In the second half of the book she offers solutions:

READ - 80% of the American population didn’t read a book last year

Set aside the tabloids and read books, books that challenge you. If you can’t name three amazing books you’ve read in the past year, you’re not reading enough. Every now and then pick up a book that argues against your point of view, or a novel you wouldn't normally read. You might find your mind changes, or you might find your position more firm than it was before, but either way, you're exercising your mind.

She recommends reading the NY Times plus your hometown paper daily.

Final Thoughts:
Although I wholeheartedly agree with Bloom’s message I feel she was preaching to the choir. If you currently are not a book reader, you are not going to read THIS book and suddenly give up reality TV and celebrity web-surfing in favor of book reading. That is even if you adopt her recommendation to hire someone to clean your house so you have more free time.*

If you have an interest in the dumbing-down of America or are wondering how to find more time to read you may enjoy this book. Another caveat Bloom did write this book from a liberal viewpoint if that bothers you, you probably will not enjoy this book.


*I found it amusing Mary Kay Ash also recommends hiring a cleaning person in her book Mary Kay.

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Interview with Gloria Steinem

Thanks to Susan Bulkeley Butler for recommending Marianne Schnall’s interview with Gloria Steinem in the Huffington Post. At 77 Gloria Steinem continues to have so much to teach us:

On the future of feminism:
-She thinks of the future in two ways -- survival plus moving forward. Under survival, she would put all the efforts to save the female half of the world from violence directed at us specifically because we are female

Under survival she includes everything from domestic violence, sex trafficking, rape and serial killing to aborting female fetuses, female genital mutilation, child marriage and denying female children protein, health care and education.

-On the root of the imbalance of women’s representation in politics. (The U.S. currently stands as 70th among countries in terms of women’s representation):

Unequal access to money and media plus bias, external and internalized, and male-dominant religions and illegality at the polls -- all those are reasons for women's wildly unequal political power. All those are things we have to fight. If we organized well from the bottom up -- and didn't fall for the idea that our vote doesn't count; an idea nurtured by those who don't want us to use it -- we could elect feminists, women of all races and some diverse men, too -- who actually represent the female half of the country equally.

- Sending an email or twitter is not action

Read the entire interview here.

A Perfect Book for Women's History Month

                       Motivation for reading:
Gail Collin's book When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present was on my reading list for the Women Unbound reading challenge thanks to this review from Florinda. Although I didn't get around to reading it for the challenge, it remained on my TBR list as an important read especially after reading Susan Bulkeley Butler refer to it several times in her book Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World.

What it is about:
When Everything Changed describes what has happened in every realm of women’s lives from 1960 to the present including Hillary Clinton’s historic presidential campaign. It is a well researched comprehensive book.

My Thoughts:
This book is a perfect read for women’s history month and deserves a spot on my list of non-fiction books every woman should read. Also, it is more readable than Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique which I found to be difficult and repetitive. The book is packed with information that reminded me once again of how far we’ve come.

Here Collins writes about being a stewardess in the sixties which was one of the few mini-career paths available to women at the time and how improper it was to send women on a business trip:

Georgia Panter, a stewardess for United Airlines in 1960, noticed that except for the occasional family, her flights were populated only be men. One regular run, the “Executive Flight” from NY to Chicago, actually banned female passengers. The men got extra large steaks, drinks and cigars which the stewardesses were supposed to bend over and light. (Pg. 19)

After reading:

"The dreaded laundry chores were tamed by the arrival of permanent-press clothing, better steam irons, and those automatic dryers.  "Wash and wear clothing and the steam iron were the real liberation for women,” said Edna Kleimeyer. Once they were all in place, it was possible to get the basic household chores done relatively quickly. (Pg. 51)

I am adding wash and wear clothing and the steam iron to Anita Diamant's list of items (antibiotics, birth control, and the printed page) that gave women more freedom and a higher quality of life. Once women were able to get out from under the iron she had more time to pursue work outside of the home.

Collins covers the famous feminists Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem but also covers others who are lesser known. I particularly enjoyed the Civil Rights chapter and the coverage of Ella Baker and Pauli Murray. In the early days of the Civil Rights movement women were in many cases the drivers of the movement, but were pushed out of leadership positions once the movement got off the ground. The men expected women to be subservient. Also it is interesting to note women had a different vision for civil rights than men:

Ella Baker wanted the students to challenge more than the white segregationist power structure; she also wanted them to take on the class lines within the black community itself, to bypass the black leaders who had risen by mimicking the values they saw in a white society such as snobbishness and self-promotion. She had loved the black neighborhood she had lived in as a child, where everyone knew and took care of one another. Where we lived there was no sense of hierarchy, in terms of those who have, having a right to look down upon, or to evaluate as a lesser breed, those who didn’t have. Both she and the students wanted to live that way forever. (Pg. 120)

Also, I had no idea that the Equal Rights Amendment essentially got its initiative when a legislator who was generally opposed to women’s rights tagged a sex discrimination prohibition on to the Civil Rights Act in an attempt to derail it.

Where are we today?
I had always wondered if work was easier in the 60’s when there was less global competition. My suspicions were confirmed when Collins wrote of Anne Tolstoi Wallach:

Unlike the vast majority of upper-middle-class women, Wallach kept working when her son and daughter were born. In one sense, juggling a job and children was less difficult for her than it is for professional working mothers today because the employers were less demanding. In the postwar era when the U.S. had very little international competition, profits were high and pressure for productivity was low. The whole time I worked it was pretty much 9 to 5, Wallach said. And in Thompson’s women’s group, nearly everybody had a secretary. And when you were promoted you had 2 secretaries, and if you were really important you had 3 secretaries. There was a lot of make-work. (Pg. 26)

Where we are today can be summed up in this statement by First Lady Michelle Obama:

Young women shouldn’t have to give up on either career or children, but it becomes a choice you have to make if child care isn’t available or salaries aren’t high enough to pay off your debt that it took to get the degree, to get the job you’re in. (Pg. 387)

I feel as if I did not begin to give this book its justice; I just highlighted the points I found interesting. If you have any interest in the women’s movement or are looking to read a book for Women’s History Month I highly recommend When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present.

NWHM Celebrates Women's History Month

Learn about the origin of Women's History Month and International Womens' Day (March 8th), and the roles American women played in shaping both holidays!

Muslim Women Reformers

Motivation for reading: I came across Ida Lichter’s book Muslim Women Reformers: Inspiring Voices Against Oppression on Lisa’s Online Publicist blog. Thinking it would be a great read for my Make Women Count Project I requested a review copy. Thanks Lisa for providing me with this opportunity.

Summary (from the press release): In a world where the strident demands of Islamic extremists capture the media’s attention, the courageous protests of Muslim reformers barely receive any notice. These include a surprising number of women who are prepared to challenge institutionalized persecution, risking derision, arrest, physical harm, and even death.

In this inspiring compilation of Muslim women’s stories from around the world, the voices of these long-oppressed women ring loud and clear as they question ideology and culture, patriarchal and religious beliefs, and demand the social and political rights women lack in many Muslim countries. The reformers speak out with passion, humanity, and sometimes humor in these compact and often poignant biographies, bringing alive the harsh realities for women in many parts of the world.

By surveying a wide range of Muslim reformers, not only in the Middle East but also in Europe and North America, author Ida Lichter uncovers some significant emerging trends. For example, she notes that the majority of Muslim feminists would like to see reform contained within Islam. Many criticize their patriarchal culture for suppressing egalitarian views that they believe the Koran expresses and so they advocate a reinterpretation of the holy text. Some demand changes to discriminatory Sharia-based laws. Others campaign openly for political and educational reforms.

Complete with a glossary and a list of helpful Web sites, this vibrant anthology makes use of reliable translations from original languages to demonstrate the groundswell of grassroots change that promises eventually to bring even the most conservative sectors of Islam into the twenty-first century.

My Thoughts: My first thought was the stories of the courageous women detailed in this book were both eye-opening and disturbing; I’ve since come to the conclusion that that was an understatement. I’ve read other books covering the lack of women’s rights in Muslim countries, but I had no idea how widespread the problem is or how horrific. Women working for reform in the Muslim world are imprisoned, tortured, burnt, attacked with acid and even murdered if caught educating other women or speaking out against their government. Not to mention the honor killings, polygamy, genital mutilation, child rape, gang rape, and stonings that appear to be common occurrences in some Muslim countries.

Why do these women risk their lives and security to reform Islamic restrictions on women’s freedom?
They have everything to lose if the extremists take over and everything to gain if they succeed. In the current social structure women are considered third class citizens at best and have no avenues for recourse open to them to seek justice for the atrocities committed against them:

In Afghanistan rape is not an offense under the criminal code (Pg. 50)

In some countries women have even lost ground. Reforms that were previously put in place were lost when extremist governments came into power.

Is there anything those of us in the western world can do to help?
According to Algerian feminist Khalida Messaoudi:

We are dealing with an influential fundamentalist international that has a clear strategy. In order to secure women’s rights, we need a democratic international of women- otherwise we have absolutely no chance of conquering this beast. Not only Algerian, but Sudanese Iranian and Afghani women know what I am talking about. They know the horror of “God’s state” all too well. But alone, without your support, without the women’s and human rights movement of the countries of the West, we are losing this battle of life and death.” (Pg. 70)

In my opinion, true reform will not occur without the assistance of global human rights groups. It is important for westerners to know of these Muslim women reformers and help spread their message.

A caveat:
Although this book is an important read and the stories of these women have to be told this book is not an easy read. It is organized like an encyclopedic reference book and reads like one as well. I attempted to glean the important messages from each country and story, but the more I read the more difficult it became.  The stories began to blend together. I came to the conclusion it would be best to read this book in small doses preferably one country at a time.

For example:
Last week, I read the stories of the women of Egypt with interest particularly the story of Nonie Darwish adding her book Now They Call Me Infidel: Why I Renounced Jihad for America, Israel, and the War on Terror to my TBR list.

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Interview with Susan Bulkeley Butler

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Susan Bulkeley Butler. Susan is the author of two books Become the CEO of You Inc and Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World which I reviewed here.  In her interview she provides insight and lessons learned from her career as the first female partner of Accenture, a major consulting firm..  While reading her answers, I felt as if I was working with my own personal career coach. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.

What piece of advice or knowledge do you wish you had known at age 18?

Be responsible for who you are and who you want to become. You should be the "CEO of You, Inc." Like managing a company that means managing your life to make sure "You Inc." is successful not just today, but also in the future. You need to invest time in "You Inc." to ensure you are all you can be at every stage in your life and career.

As the CEO of "You Inc.," you need to:

*Develop your aspiration for who you want to be

*Develop your "Board of Directors" - a team to advise you

*Develop your plan to achieve your aspirations and then work your plan.

None of this is necessarily easy, but it puts you in charge of where you are going, with the help of others to provide advice and counsel and a plan to make your future happen rather than let it happen to you.

Additionally, it is important to realize the difference between a job and a career. I had a job for the first four years of my career. I didn't know the difference and I didn't realize the impact until I didn't get my first real promotion. Know the difference. What you do every day helps you build who you are and where you want to be in the future.

What do you consider the biggest obstacle women face in the world today?

Most women have the desire to have children. Therefore, when and how they integrate children with what they hope to achieve for themselves becomes an obstacle. My philosophy is to begin your career with the idea you will be at your employer for the long term (men think we are short timers) and focus on achieving all you can achieve.

When it is time for you to think about starting a family, find role models. Determine how integrated having children with having a career. Two-career families the norm today; the mom who stays at home for her entire life is no longer the norm. And doing everything we do at 110 percent is not possible when you have work, family and a home to manage. Look to others for "best practices," particularly for your career and the roles and responsibilities at home.

Has that obstacle changed over time or does it basically remain the same?

Progress is being made, but women still talk about work/life balance before they are even married, or thinking about starting a family. My philosophy is, make decisions based on the deck of cards you have in your hand today.

When you begin your work life, be committed to your work, determine your aspirations and do the best work you can for your employer. When your deck of cards changes to include a family, rethink your aspirations. Think about how you might continue working less hours and/or from home, with your aspirations dialed back and your shared responsibility for your family. My friends who wrote What Happy Working Mothers Know say that children want their moms to be happy, and that doesn't mean they need to be around 24-7.

In your book Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World, you didn’t discuss physical appearance. One of my biggest regrets is wasting so much time obsessing about my appearance when I was younger. I wish I would have spent this time learning something new and discovering who I was. Do you have any thoughts on the media’s portrayal of women and women’s obsession with appearance?

I am amazed at the percentage of young girls who are obsessed about their appearance at such young ages. According to one study, 42 percent of girls in grades 1-3 want to be thinner. I was heavy as a young girl, but never was obsessed about my weight.

I talk about the importance of "packaging." Think of a product in a store. Sometimes it's the packaging, not just what's inside it, that convinces us it's the right product for us. On the other hand, we might miss getting the product we really need if it's not packaged properly.

Within 5-10 seconds, people have a perception of you based on how well you are put together - your confidence, your body language, the way you dress, make eye contact and shake hands and how you walk, sit and listen.

Packaging, not thinness or beauty, reflects who we are, and who wants to be with us.

What factors do you think contributed to your success at Accenture? Would those same factors be applicable today?

Being a team player, being strategic, working hard, being creative, learning from my mistakes, focusing on the future rather than the past, asking questions, having a point of view, developing members of my team, taking risks, being financially responsible and not being afraid to ask for help.

I had a plan, and others confirmed it. Two partners said, "Susan, you can be a partner and we will help you get there." They mentored me to help develop my skills, package my product, and look and act like a partner, the position I aspired to be in.

Women sometimes believe they need to do everything themselves or it shows weakness. And they believe they will be "tapped" on the shoulder, once people see their good work.

I would rather make things happen for me, rather than let things happen to me.

What has been the best piece of advice you have ever been given?

Create your future and make it happen. This is about putting yourself in the driver's seat of your life; you are in control of the direction you're going instead of just going along for the ride. You are going in the direction you want to go, not the direction somebody else thinks you should go.

What has been the biggest mistake you ever made?

There were times I found myself in situations where I didn't really know what to do next. I had been given an assignment to do, and when I went to my office to do it, I really didn't know where to start. I received an evaluation of my performance which was less than satisfactory and I had no idea why I received it and what I needed to do to change it.

My advice:

Make sure you understand what is being said to you, and don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't understand. Ask for examples of what you need to do. And in the case of changing my evaluation, I should have asked what I needed to do to be better and also if the person would be willing to be on my team to help me make the necessary changes.

Did you ever let them see you cry?

Yes, when I didn't get the promotion that I expected. And I have provided Kleenex to people to use, usually when they got bad news. This was before I and a lot of women in the work force received the message that it "isn't cool to cry." Women are emotional and do need to find a way to let their emotions go. Keeping them inside is not the way. You need mentors and other special friends to talk with when something unexpected happens.

Is there anything else you would like my readers to know about you or your book?

The 100th anniversary of the Women's Right to Vote will be August 26, 2020. To each of your readers, I would ask: How are you going to help bring about equality for all women? Women deserve to be equal partners with men as we continue to make this world better for everyone. We are on this earth for a reason. Everywhere we invest our time, we need to make a difference for our having been there.

Otherwise, why are we here?