Want to Motivate Your Employees? Appreciate Them

After last week’s episode with my company's HR Manager, I was taken by surprise to hear she had told another employee he needed to buck-up and be more like Savvy.* She told him, "She’s been doing both her job and the CFO’s since he’s been out and you don’t hear her complaining.” She even said something to the effect that I was doing a good job. I couldn’t believe it. My body immediately relaxed, I became calmer, more energized and more motivated. I was surprised after all these weeks of feeling stressed and as if I wasn’t measuring up my company’s management felt otherwise and by how much I needed to hear it.

Thursday our CFO returned. When he walked in the door I started cheering and our entire staff clapped. He said he hadn’t received this big of a welcome from his family when he returned home the previous day. I told him the old saying “Everyone is replaceable” did not apply to him.

Then on Friday, my big 50th birthday, I arrived to an office decorated in black and a little party that included a cake. The employees who work for me and one of our owners were laughing (something I haven’t seen in a long time) and making jokes. They posted neon green post-its with the number 50 on them all over the office (so I wouldn’t forget how old I am). We haven’t celebrated anyone’s birthday in the office in years.

In the midst of all this I accomplished more work than I had in a long time. When I left Friday night I was almost caught up. This was quite an accomplishment considering the previous week I had left the office fearing I may never be caught up again. I honestly think feeling appreciated made all the difference.

I try to make an effort to publicly thank or show appreciation for employees when the opportunity arises. It is easy to do if you are paying attention. Recently I have done the following:

• I publicly gave credit to an employee for providing new information on a manufacturer’s policy change to all employees via email. (As opposed to our HR Manager who recently touted this same employee’s idea as her own)
• Via email, I thanked an employee in another department for assisting me with an audit when I was in a bind. I cc’d her boss who later told me how much my email had meant to this employee.

*This comment which was so helpful to me was deflating to the employee who is supposed to buck-up. He was absent the next day, isn’t as sharp as he usually is and seems depressed. Telling someone to buck-up and be like someone else is probably some of the worst advice you can give an employee.

Speaking of advice, the comments I received on I'm 50 Years Old and Still Can't Think On My Feet may be the most helpful comments I’ve ever received on this blog. I sincerely thank and appreciate every one of my commenters.

How about you? Does your employer let you know they appreciate you?

Do I Need to Attend Manager’s Party?

Remember my company’s HR Manager; the owner's family friend who personally attacked me, has caused problems in my department for years and was the impetus for my strength challenge. Well she is back at it again. The other day she called me into her office to complain about my boss and the employee we share. She proceeded to say how unhappy the owners are with both of them and that they were going to have a serious talk with my boss about his attitude along with my employee’s performance. Also, in the New Year my awesome new part-time employee is going to be working for her instead of me and I will be stuck with the employee she doesn't like full-time. Oh and by the way she is having a party at her home for all the corporate managers and their spouses in December. She thinks it will be a good opportunity for all of us to meet outside of work and that it will help with team building which our management staff desperately needs.

My head began to spin. I went back to my office and tried to work, but kept thinking my boss, who has been with the company 30+ years, was going to say to heck with this B.S. and retire. How will I manage if he leaves? I wondered down the hall into our operations manager’s office. Our HR manager also has issues with him, but feels she now has him wrapped around her finger. I told him this and relayed the entire conversation to him. He said, "It is all a lie."  None of this is going to happen; the owners aren’t going to talk to my boss, they aren't upset with him or with my employee and they would never allow my new part-time employee to be transferred from accounting to HR. 

I started to feel better and got up to leave saying, “I don’t think I’m up to going to her party.” Surprisingly he already knew about the party and had even discussed it with one of our owners. The owner is not fond of these types of events, because other employees hear of them, think they are company events and feel excluded. He advised our operation’s manager who also doesn’t want to attend, to have his wife drive and get drunk on our HR manager’s booze. The operations manager recommended I do the same.

In my fitness class that night, I couldn’t help but vent about my day. As I rattled off my list of complaints, one of my gym mates kept interjecting incredibly intelligent comments. Finally, I asked her where she worked.  She was self-employed, a writer and a leadership instructor. Who was she? Susan Marshall of the Backbone Institute.

I now know how I will respond when I meet someone I admire in person – I become a blubbering idiot. I read Susan’s column every month in Wisconsin Woman Magazine. Her October column "Good News About You" is currently sitting on my night stand with the following paragraph underlined:

Aggressive people are no more confident than you are. However, they have learned how to use their voices, posture and position to get what they want. When you understand this and refuse to be bullied by it, you gain freedom to go about your business in a professional manner. You need not try to change them, but you don’t need to be cowed by them either.

As to the holiday party, I still wanted to decline, but was concerned I would be missing out on the team building. Will not going be a bad career move?

 “NO," Susan replied, "Not going is called setting boundaries.”

Susan Marshall’s book Of Beauty and Substance: A Backbone Guide for Womenhas been on my reading list since I first heard of it. I went home and ordered a copy.

Have you been invited to a co-worker's house party you dreaded attending? Did you go?

Note, I am an Amazon affiliate.

Why I Will Never Be a Homesteader

I discovered Melissa Coleman's book This Life Is in Your Hands: One Dream, Sixty Acres, and a Family Undoneon Kim at Sophisticated Dorkiness’s site when she included it in her Nonfiction Recommendation Engine: Memorable Memoirs. She describes this book as just stunning… ominous, elegant, honest and evocative and was able to read it in a single sitting. 

What is the This Life Is in Your Hands: One Dream, Sixty Acres, and a Family Undone about?
In the fall of 1968 Melissa’s parents Elliot and Sue Coleman buy a small piece of property on a remote peninsula on the coast of Maine from Helen and Scott Nearing, authors of the homesteading bible Living the good Life how to Live Sanely and Simply in a Troubled World.  Their dream is to build a home with their own hands then live off the land. They become part of the back-to-land movement of the 70’s. All does not go well and eventually their family becomes undone. Melissa’s memoir explores her early childhood growing up on the homestead while learning to better understand her past.
      
Motivation for reading:
I grew up on a dairy farm in rural western Wisconsin in the 70’s. When I graduated from high school my goal was to get as far away from the farm as possible. My husband on the other hand is an avid fly fisherman, loves the outdoors and dreams of owning a log home on a couple of acres in Wisconsin's driftless area in our retirement years. I thought reading this book might help me determine whether I was judging my former life too harshly.

My thoughts:
I was not disappointed with this book. Like Kim, I found it to be an engrossing read and would categorize it as a nonfiction book that reads like fiction. Coleman’s story reminded me of Jeanette Well’s book The Glass Castle especially in her ability to write about her parents without bitterness.

I was impressed with how the book accurately portrays the difficulties that come with living off the land:

The reality of this way of life is that you have got to keep at it even when you don’t feel like it. Otherwise you won’t make it. It’s no life for dabblers. You have to dig it wholeheartedly, for if you don’t you just simply won’t be happy nor successful at what you do. (Pg. 111)

Coleman also does an excellent job of describing how isolating this life can be. In an article featured in the New York Times covering the Coleman’s reporter Roy Reed wrote:

“Self-sufficiency proves too difficult for many. Marital stresses, for example, are exaggerated in isolated areas around the country.” (Pg. 205)

I was happy to see her mention the problems of living without health insurance. Many of the books I’ve read (both fiction and nonfiction) covering “dropping out” or “living off the land” fail to discuss medical insurance. Elliott Coleman develops Graves' disease despite his strict vegetarian diet. Lack of medical insurance delays treatment and his health and stamina continue to decline. An underlying fear develops - what happens if Elliot becomes too sick to work.

I came away with a better understanding of organic farming.
Elliot Coleman ultimately becomes an organic farming guru. Here is one of his early influences:

It wasn't until the second summer of 1970 that I really began to understand gardening. That was the summer I read Sir Albert’s classic, An Agricultural Testament,  in which Howard claims that if plants are healthy there is no role for insects. (Pg. 66)

I won’t reveal what happens, but will say I did shed a tear of two. 

Bottom Line:  
If you are interested in self-sufficiency or the homestead movement and enjoy a good story this book is for you.  It would also make a good selection for a nonfiction book club. My only criticism is Coleman’s use of the first person in writing about events and conversations that occurred before she was born and when she was very young. Plus, her thoughts are too advanced for her age. In addition, I would have preferred more analysis of her parent’s actions and a discussion of her life after she left the homestead. Perhaps she will write a sequel. 

As to my own recollections of the farming life – I believe they are accurate. I foresee myself visiting western Wisconsin for a vacation or two, but I will never again live there permanently.
  
Have you ever considered leaving the corporate world to live off the land?

 Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

How to Identify Your Female Leadership Strengths

This article was written by Anna Runyan, Leadership Coach and Founder of ClassyCareerGirl.com. Anna is also the author of the brand new book, The Professional Woman's Guide to Managing Men.   Anna helps professional women upgrade their leadership and accelerate their career success. 

Confidence in my strengths is not something that I always had as a manager. When I first started managing, I tried acting like the team’s previous manager and that didn’t work. Then, I tried to manage like how I thought a man would manage, that failed miserably. Each of these strategies failed because it was pretty obvious to those I was leading that I didn’t know myself very well and I wasn’t really confident in who I was. It wasn’t until I started discovering my own leadership strengths and that I started to feel more confident in who I was as a female manager.

There are many qualities that female managers inherently have that men appreciate. Men often have different strengths than women and that is why diverse teams of men and women work well together.  Remember, the goal is to be proud of the strengths you bring as a woman instead of trying to be like a man. Review this list of the 6 most common female leadership strengths and identify what strengths you have:

1) Collaboration: Women often request ideas from the entire team and get group buy-in. Women are also great at sharing information and delegating.

2) Calm Under Pressure: Women can handle tough situations with a sense of calm without getting aggressive.  Women can also appear less threatening by establishing trust quickly with the men they manage.

3) Attention to Detail: Women are known to be organized and detailed and can usually handle doing a lot of things at once.

4) Openness: Women can be open and honest and share a lot of information about tasks and results.

5) Intuition: From my experience, women can often tap into other people’s needs faster and more effectively than men. Women can often pick up very subtle clues about how the people around them are feeling.

6) Empathy: Women are often more capable than men of showing concern for other people’s feelings and connecting on a personal level.

Take some time to reflect on the above leadership strengths and write down 2 strengths that you have right now. Then, right down 2 leadership skills that you want to improve on and you will quickly become a more confident female leader around those you manage.

Josh Hanagarne Revitalizes my “BE Strong” Project

When I selected Josh Hanagarne’s book The World's Strongest Librarian: A Memoir of Tourette's, Faith, Strength, and the Power of Family for the December Savvy Reader Book Club I thought it would be the perfect read to close out my Be Strong reading challenge.  To my surprise instead of wrapping up my project this book inspired me to revitalize it.  Josh’s story helped me realize procuring inner-strength is not something that can be accomplished in one year. It is a life-long project.

Josh who began experiencing symptoms of Tourette's syndrome at the age of six describes Tourette’s syndrome as follows:

In any language, the movement disorder comes down to two things: those with the disorder either move involuntarily, makes noises involuntarily, or both.

He writes:

The worst part of Tourette’s wasn’t the bodily harm or even my inability to go outside sometimes. It wasn’t that I was being driven toward increasing isolation. It was the uncertainty. It felt like driving at night, with headlights coming toward me, and every car seemed to be in my lane. I no longer had a destination. I only knew that everything coming toward me had the potential to wreck me, to derail any plan I could make.

To say Josh's journey towards controlling his Tourette's symptoms was difficult would be an understatement. He tried numerous methods from visiting questionable doctors, to ingesting drugs - Klonopin/Clonezepam, Tetrabenazine, Zyprexa, Risperol, Haldol, Clonidine, even a nicotine patch—none of which helped for more than a few days and most had side effects. After his involuntary outbursts turned to screams, he receives botulism toxin injections that paralyze his vocal chords. These injections reduce his speech to a whisper.

As Josh’s symptoms continue to worsen, they cause increasing turmoil in his life. He leaves his Mormon mission early; he is in and out of jobs as well as college. Eventually he ends up refusing to leave his parent’s couch suffering from a debilitating depression. Thinking his son has zero confidence his father convinces him to try weight training.

Eventually Josh’s strength training leads him to Adam Glass, a strongman and former Air Force tech sergeant. Adam describes a good trainer as someone who gets results and shows clients how to figure something out for themselves. Josh writes:

Working with Adam was the first time someone actually asked me to think about what was actually happening to me. My doctors they never asked how I felt. They treated symptoms.

After coming home from spending a week with Adam, Josh has a breakthrough epiphany - his breathing is the key to controlling his Tourette’s symptoms. He practices taking a lung-filling breath that does not result in a tic. These breaths turned into seconds, seconds into days, days into weeks and weeks.

Unfortunately, Josh’s life does not remain symptom free. While under stress after witnessing early signs of Tourette’s in his son Max, they return with a vengeance. Josh has to begin the process of taming them all over again.  

As I mentioned in my book selection post, The World's Strongest Librarian: A Memoir of Tourette's, Faith, Strength, and the Power of Family is about much more than Tourette’s, but for me, Josh's battle with Tourette’s is what resonated the most. His trainer Adam says it best:

I don’t know how you do it? Having control of my body is one of the only things that keeps me this sane, and I’m pretty wrecked.

This book has inspired me to improve upon my own inner-strength project. To dig deeper, seek out mentors and trainers that ask the right questions so I too can strengthen my inner core.

Bottom Line:
Despite enjoying The World’s Strongest Librarian and feeling it is a worthwhile read for a strength project it is not a perfect book. Even though - I think - I grasped the gist of the chapter covering the week Josh spent working with Adam it was a cumbersome read that did not improve with a re-reading. I particularly enjoyed learning about his family life, his take on reading, libraries and his experiences working in them. In addition, the section covering the difficulties he and his wife experienced conceiving a child are heartbreaking. Overall though, I am left with a feeling that something is missing.

Have you read this book? If so what were your thoughts?

Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman

Motivation for Reading:
I decided to read Robert K. Massie’s book Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman when Michelle of That's What She Read responded to my comment on her review of the book with:

You will love it as it definitely fits in with your theme of empowering women. Catherine was one amazing woman.

What is Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman about?
At almost 600 pages, Massie has written an all-encompassing biography of Catherine the Great beginning with her childhood in Germany and ending with her death at the age of 67.

My thoughts:
Since the book is so long, the thought of reading it seemed daunting, but Massie created such an engaging story I had no trouble finishing it. Prior to reading this book, I knew almost nothing about Catherine the Great or Russian history. I found every page to be fascinating – including the historical events and the politics of the time. Catherine’s story is remarkable:

If this book would have been fiction I’d have set it aside thinking it was implausible: 

Catherine, an obscure Russian princess, travels from her home in Germany to Russia with the intention of marrying Peter, the Russian heir to the throne. After their wedding her primary role was to produce a male heir. This ends up being impossible since her new husband refuses to touch her, preferring to play with his toy soldiers in their bed. This scenario continues for nine years. Finally, in order to produce an heir, Catherine has an affair with another man. Catherine bears a son whom the Empress names Paul. She then has the new baby taken from his mother and raises him as if he is her own. Once Peter becomes Emperor he ends the popular war with Prussia and institutes domestic policies that infuriate the military, the Orthodox Church and the Russian people. Catherine along with her current lover and his friends are able to overthrow Peter and Catherine becomes Empress. She reins until her death 34 years later. 

Why Catherine deserved the title of "Great:"

Elizabeth I of England was the only woman equal to Catherine on a European throne. In Russia's history, Catherine and Peter the Great tower in ability and achievement over all the other tsars and empresses of the Romanov dynasty. Catherine's accomplishments include two successful wars against the Ottoman Empire expanding Russia’s borders to the Black Sea and Central Europe. She was the first person in Russia to be inoculated against smallpox then persuaded others to do so.   She imported European moral, political, judicial philosophy, literature, art, architecture, sculpture, medicine, and education. She assembled the greatest art gallery in Europe, hospitals, schools, and orphanages. Peter made Russia a great power.  Catherine magnified this power and advanced the nation toward a culture that during the century that followed produced many of the artistic masters Russia is known for today.

What was her secret? How was she able to accomplish so much?

She was able to conceal her pride:
Her mother, not wanting her daughter to be arrogant or rebellious decided “to drive the devil of pride out of her.”

She was repeatedly told she was ugly and impertinent, forbidden to speak unless spoken to and made to kiss the hem of the skirts of all visiting women of rank. Later, concealment of pride in humility came to be recognized as a deliberate and useful tactic which Catherine used when confronting crisis and danger. (Pg. 9)

She used every opportunity to improve herself and her situation:
It did not take Catherine long to understand two underlying facts about her position in Russia:

First, that it was Elizabeth, not Peter whom she had to please: and, second if she wanted to succeed in this country she must learn its language and practice its religious faith. (Pg. 52) 

During the 17 years Catherine spent in Russia prior to Empress Elizabeth’s death, she spent her time reading. Assigned with the task of producing a male heir she spent much of this time ignored by or bored by her husband: books were her refuge. She always kept a book in her room and carried another in her pocket. She studied the great philosophers. Guided by her own curiosity, gradually she acquired a superior education. (Pg. 145)

She aligned herself with the right people:
Over the years Catherine made herself more popular than Peter with the Russian Courtiers and the Russian people. With the help of her lover Gregory Orlov and his brother Alexis, she won over the allegiance of the Russian Army giving her the support of the military. She made calculated moves when determining which countries to form alliances with and to support and which to not. I thought it interesting that she choose not to aid Great Britain in their war with the American colonies.

She understood who held the real power:
In a conversation V.S. Popov had with the Empress she explains the blind obedience with which her will was fulfilled everywhere, of the eagerness and zeal with which all tried to please her. It is not as easy as you think.” She replied. In the first place, my orders would not be carried out unless they were the kind of orders which could be carried out. You know with what prudence and circumspection I act in the promulgation of my laws. I examine the circumstanced, I take advice. I consult the enlightened part of the people, and in this way I find out what sort of effect my laws will have. And when I am already convinced in advance of good approval, then I issue my orders and have the pleasure of observing what you call blind obedience.

That is the foundation of unlimited power. But, believe me; they will not obey blindly when orders are not adapted to the opinion of the people.” (Pgs. 172-173)

Despite being a "great" ruler she was held to a double standard:
According to Massie, Catherine had 12 lovers during her reign who were referred to as favorites.  What shocked her contemporaries was not the number, but the age difference between Catherine and her lovers. She preferred increasingly younger men. She wanted assurance she could still attract and keep a man's love. In return the young men sought ambition, desire for prestige, wealth and power.  Hmm...weren't kings and their mistresses doing this exact thing for centuries?

Book club recommendation:
Massie informs us Elizabeth I of England used virginity and abstinence as prizes to tempt and manipulate powerful men.  Wouldn't reading a biography of Elizabeth make an excellent companion read?

Bottom Line:
I highly recommend Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman to anyone who wants to learn more about Catherine the Great, Russian history or to just read about an amazing self-built woman who was truly Great.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Is a book about Marie Antoinette's fashion choices really a book every woman should read?
Coco Chanel: The Legend and The Life
Biography of Fannie Lou Hamer: A Study of Strength and Leadership

Please note, I am an Amazon affiliate

The Gift of Fear

As part of my "Be Strong" project, I’ve challenged myself to read at least one book a month dealing with an aspect of inner strength such as confidence, communication skills, working with difficult people, self-knowledge, willpower, etc. My February read was Gavin De Becker’s book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. I chose this book after Maria of Redirecting Chaos recommended reading it in the comments of previous posts not once, but twice. 

What is The Gift of Fear about?
Gavin de Becker, a security specialist based in Los Angeles and the founder of Gavin de Becker and Associates a private security firm whose clients includes Hollywood stars and government agencies, has written a book exploring how fear is a gift that can be used to keep us safe. The book explains how we can spot even subtle signs of danger—before it’s too late.

My Thoughts:
Gavin de Becker’s intention in writing the book was to share factors his company considers when identifying and predicting violent people and their behaviors in simple to understand terms. He achieves this by including powerful real life stories that left me chilled knowing these examples actually occurred.

I am highlighting some of the major lessons I learned from this book:

He provides potential warning signs to watch for when confronted by a stranger or manipulative person. He calls these survival signals:

• Forced Teaming. Shown through the use of the word “we” a person tries to pretend he has something in common with you and that you are both in the same predicament when it isn’t really true.
• Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate them. Niceness does not equal goodness.
• Too many details. When people lie, even if what they say sounds credible, it doesn’t sound credible to them, so they keep talking.
• Typecasting. Always involves a slight insult and usually one that is easy to refute. For example: “You are probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me.”
• Loan Sharking. Offers assistance, but is always calculating the debt. The fact that you owe a person something makes it harder to ask them to leave you alone.
• The Unsolicited Promise. This is one of the most reliable signals. It shows nothing more than the speaker’s desire to convince you of something. Ask yourself why does this person need to convince me? For example” “I’ll just put this stuff down and go. I promise.”
• Discounting the Word “No”. Refusing to accept the word no.

“No” is a word that must never be negotiated and was the most important lesson I took from this book. The person who chooses not to hear the word “no” is trying to control you. Don’t trust them. If you let someone talk you out of the word “no” you might as well wear a sign that reads, “You are in charge.” (Pg. 62)

A woman alone who needs assistance is actually far better off choosing someone and asking for help, as opposed to waiting for an unsolicited approach. The person you choose is nowhere near as likely to bring you hazard as the person who chooses you. (Pg. 63)

Never show fear:
Threats are never spoken from a position of power. Whatever power they have is derived from the fear instilled in the victim, for fear is the currency of the threatener. (Pg. 109)

Persistence only proves persistence:
It does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special – it means he is troubled. (Pg. 196)

Women should never explain why they don’t want a relationship:
Mr. Wrong will challenge each reason she offers. Instead women should make it clear they have thought it over, that this is the decision and that they expect the man to respect it. (Pg. 199)

The problem with restraining orders:
Many batterers find intolerable the idea of being under the control of their victims, and with a court order, a woman seeks to control her husband’s conduct, thus turning the tables of their relationship. (Pg. 189)

Worry is the fear we manufacture – it is not authentic. (Pg. 286)

Anxiety, unlike real fear, is always caused by uncertainty. (Pg. 291)

Bottom Line:
The Gift of Fear may be the best self-help book I’ve ever read and is most likely going to be one of the most important reads of my strength challenge. It includes much more than the items I’ve highlighted above i.e. listening to and trusting your intuition. One thing I know for sure, I will never look at a person who challenges my “no” the same way ever again.

Have you read The Gift of Fear?  If so, what were your thoughts? Do you have any future books or topics suggestions for my "BE Strong" Reading Challenge?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Verbal Judo Communication
Learning about self-esteem
How to Avoid Being Conned on a Dating Site

What makes you feel strong? Strength Challenge Interview #2

Created by Darlene B. Nemeth

This week I am running a series of posts resulting from my strength interview with Darlene B. Nemeth.  About two years ago Darlene embarked on a journey to travel towards inner peace and happiness. Her quest reminded me of my own challenge to become a stronger person in my 50th year.  Curious to learn more I emailed Darlene and requested an interview. Today’s post focuses on what Darlene has learned about strength.

What makes you feel strong?
I don’t have a simple answer for this question. For me to feel strong, I have several needs.

First of all, I need to be well rested. Why? Being sleep deprived makes my brain foggy and I can’t think straight and it affects my memory. I can’t think fast on my feet so I come across brain dead.

Second, I need a full stomach. Not uncomfortably full, just nicely satisfied. I tend to snack throughout the day and never allow my stomach to be empty. Of course snacks do not include sugary foods because you don’t want to spike then crash. I am aiming to keep my glucose leveled out. I like to snack on fresh fruit or vegetables with a bit of cheese or almonds. I need to feed my brain. Why? For the same reason I get my rest.

I’m your starting to think I’m a little cuckoo but I assure I’m not. These tips that I am sharing are genuine. I will continue.

Third, is to keep hydrated whether your drinking water or munching down on raw fruits and vegetables. Why? Once again, it is about keeping your brain happy. I suggest keeping a bottle of water nearby.

Fourth and definitely extremely important is being knowledgeable. I can get excited, boisterous and confident when I am brimming with information. The more I know the better. I am constantly reading articles in my field, self-improvement and just about anything that looks interesting.

 Dressing for success is also on my list of tips on being strong. Yes, I am a firm believer in dressing for success. It makes me feel strong and confident because presentation counts and my clothes are my image. If you want to be taken as a serious professional you must dress the part.

These are my suggestions:

 - Your outfit should be a solid conservative colour

 - Wear a suit or dress pants with a coordinating blouse

- Wear clean shoes. No open toed shoes or spikes.

- Make sure your hair is clean and neat

 - If you are going to wear jewelry or make up, keep it simple

- I would skip the perfume because you never know who may have allergies

What detracts from your strength or what do you see others doing that detract from their strength?
 Negative people really suck the life out of me leaving me weak and tired:

- Their complaints 

- Their negative spin on everything

- Outbursts of anger with or without swearing

 Now I know I cannot completely avoid these people but I do limit my exposure to them. Depending on the situation and my relationship with that person I will try to guide them into a positive state. For example, if my daughter comes home and starts with listing off all the bad in her day, I will ask her to tell me something good.

In addition to her website http://darlenebnemeth.blogspot.ca/, check out Darlene's pins on Pinterest and items for resale at LittleShopTreasures on Etsy.

What makes you feel strong? What detracts from your strength or what do you see others doing that detract from their strength?

Tune in tomorrow to read Darlene's tips in dealing with a bully.

Previous posts in this series:
Strength Challenge Interview #1 - an Introduction


If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
How to dress "strong" at work
Interview with Susan Bulkeley Butler

Learning about self-esteem

As part of my "Be Strong" project, I’ve challenged myself to read at least one book each month that deals with an aspect of inner strength such as confidence, communication skills, dealing with difficult people or circumstances, self-knowledge, willpower, etc. My January read was Gloria Steinem’s book Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem.

Motivation for reading:
According to the book's jacket Gloria Steinem wrote Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem after searching for books about self-esteem, but found none that welcomed both women and men or included both the personal and political contexts that can foster or crush self-esteem. After beginning her own book, she gradually realized that “we teach what we need to learn and write what we need to know.”

Interesting, since that is exactly what I've been doing here on this blog - teaching what I need to learn and writing about what I need to know. I was intrigued and eager to learn more about attaining self-esteem and to hear what Steinem had to say about strength.

What I learned from Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem:
Steinem begins her self-esteem journey around the age of 40 when she finally connects her current low self-esteem to her past. She makes this connection while researching the life of Marilyn Monroe for a series of essays she was writing on Marilyn's life.

In Hugh Missildine’s book Your Inner Child of the Past Steinem reads:

The most common sins and excesses of child rearing - overindulgence, neglect, perfectionism, sexual abuse and so on manifests itself later in life. Steinem was particularly interested in the aspect of neglect. Marilyn Monroe had been so neglected that as a little girl she believed she was invisible. Only the early maturing of her body and the attention it attracted made her feel “visible” and convinced her that she did indeed exist.  It was this division between an internal, worthless self and an external, sexually valuable self that would haunt her for the rest of her short life. Missildine’s text described some of the typical results of the kind of neglect Marilyn had experienced: a lifelong search for nurturing, wanting to belong yet feeling a perpetual outsider, trying to make fathers out of husbands and lovers, using sex to get childlike warmth and approval, and neglecting one’s own welfare because neglect feels familiar, like home. (PG. 35 and 36)

Steinem explores her own childhood realizing she was repeating the painful, familiar patterns of home in her own life:

Each of us has an inner child of the past living within us.  Those who needed to build no walls have access to that child’s creativity and spontaneity.  Those who had to leave this crucial core behind can tear down the walls, see what the child needed but didn’t have, and begin to provide it now.  The more we do this the more we know that we are worth it. 

And that we always were. (PG. 39)

Steinem provides a guide to discovering our true selves:  
No matter who we are, the journey toward recovering the self-esteem that should have been our birthright follows similar steps:

1.    A first experience of seeing through our eyes instead of through the eyes of others.  (For instance, the moment when a woman stops being defined by the male gaze.)

2.    Telling what seemed to be shameful secrets, and discovering they are neither shameful nor secret.

3.    Giving names to problems that have been treated as normal and have no names (think of new terms like homophobia, battered women or Euro centrism).

4.    Bonding with others who share similar experiences.

5.    Achieving empowerment and self-government.

6.    Bonding with others of shared powers.

7.    Achieving a balance of independence and self-government.

8.    Taking one’s place in a circle of true selves.

Steinem shares the biography of Mohandas K. Gandhi who was born into a caste of grocers in India, had little self-esteem for most of his early life yet manages to go on to find true strength.  He spent half his life trying to live as a false self, found his strength only when he followed an inner voice, he then taught by example and worked to unite people across boundaries.

Bottom line:
This book does not read like your typical self-help book, but it does include so much information I had difficulty processing all of it in one reading.  Perhaps this is a book I will need to re-read in a year or two. I enjoyed the references and analysis made to characters from books Steinem has read including Celie from Alice Walker’s The Color Purple and the strength comparison she made between Emily Bronte’s Catherine and Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. Her meditation guide is a helpful resource and the section describing how meditation can help reshape our past was enlightening.  I also came up with my word for 2013 – wholeness:
 
Steinem includes a list she received from Donna Jensen, her friend and expert on how we relate to one another – in couples, families, and organizations - listing “masculine” extreme personality traits, wholeness traits and “feminine” extreme traits.  Steinem writes:

When the choice is so clear, who wouldn’t say yes to a whole self in the center? (Pg. 268)

I revisit this list as I feel my thoughts and actions veering too far towards either the masculine or feminine extreme.  Focusing on "wholeness" does help me stay centered.

Overall I felt the book was an excellent choice for the first read of my "BE Strong" reading challenge. The Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth by Mohandas K. Gandhi and Hugh Missildine’s book Your Inner Child of the Past would make excellent companion reads along with a Marilyn Monroe biography as a contrast read. 

Do you have any future books or topics suggestions for my Be Strong Reading Challenge?   Have you read a book on self-esteem you would like to recommend?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
How to be more confident at work

Interview with Gloria Steinem

A perfect book for women's history month
 

Take Hostile Breakup Threats Seriously

I received the following comment on my post Is working for your boyfriend a good idea?

My daughter is now involved in a very hostile breakup with her long time fiancé (7 years) whom she worked for. He is denying her right to claim unemployment benefits and things have become threatening (I am going to ruin your life) going to the length of saying she used company points to fly off to see other people. When actually all was agreed that instead of using cash she could use points etc...Really a very terrible and scary situation as he is extremely hurt and revengeful. So no do not ever work with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Starting a business together once married is way different. Hard to know what to do because he is powerful and has money.

Your daughter’s story is an excellent cautionary tale of why someone shouldn’t work for their boyfriend, but her situation has turned serious and needs to be treated as such.  Has your daughter’s ex-boyfriend threatened to harm her? If he has she needs to alert legal authorities immediately. Also, I suggest she contact the domestic violence shelter in her area. To find the nearest shelter please see: WomensLaw.org.

According to the WomensLaw.Org website, shelters provide many services other than shelter. Most have support groups, crisis counseling, and safety planning assistance. Many also provide legal support (and sometimes representation), help getting back on your feet with government benefits like food stamps and housing, job training referrals, child care, and more.

Your daughter should ask for assistance in working through her denied unemployment compensation claim and for help getting reestablished in the job market.

If the organization nearest you isn't helpful, try calling another one. If you do not find what you need in your community, you may also call these national organizations:

- National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224

- National Sexual Assault Hotline -- (800) 656-HOPE

- Stalking Resource Center -- 1-800-FYI-CALL, M-F 8:30 AM - 8:30 PM EST, or email gethelp@ncvc.org

There have been far too many stories in the news lately of women being harmed by an angry ex. In this case, your daughter’s boyfriend no longer has control and power over her and is fighting to keep it. She needs to seek assistance from others in her community to help keep her safe and strong as she recaptures control over her life.

Do any of you know of additional resources or have advice to help this woman?

Balpreet Kaur: A Strong Woman

I first learned of Balpreet Kaur and her story on CNN in Jodi Lobozzo Aman’s blog post If We Responded This Way We Would Change The World.

Balpreet Kaur is a Sikh woman who has visible facial hair and wears a turban. Two college students took her picture and posted it on reddit under the caption, “I’m not sure what to conclude from this.” The photo elicited comments from those who teased to those who were disgusted by the post. After hearing of the taunt Balpreet Kaur posted the following response on reddit:

"Hey, guys. This is Balpreet Kaur, the girl from the picture. I actually didn't know about this until one of my friends told on facebook. If the OP wanted a picture, they could have just asked and I could have smiled :)

However, I'm not embarrassed or even humiliated by the attention [negative and positive] that this picture is getting because, it's who I am. Yes, I'm a baptized Sikh woman with facial hair. Yes, I realize that my gender is often confused and I look different than most women. However, baptized Sikhs believe in the sacredness of this body - it is a gift that has been given to us by the Divine Being [which is genderless, actually] and, must keep it intact as a submission to the divine will. Just as a child doesn't reject the gift of his/her parents, Sikhs do not reject the body that has been given to us. By crying 'mine, mine' and changing this body-tool, we are essentially living in ego and creating separateness between ourselves and the divinity within us.

By transcending societal views of beauty, I believe that I can focus more on my actions. My attitude and thoughts and actions have more value in them than my body because I recognize that this body is just going to become ash in the end, so why fuss about it? When I die, no one is going to remember what I looked like, heck, my kids will forget my voice, and slowly, all physical memory will fade away. However, my impact and legacy will remain: and, by not focusing on the physical beauty, I have time to cultivate those inner virtues and hopefully, focus my life on creating change and progress for this world in any way I can. So, to me, my face isn't important but the smile and the happiness that lie behind the face are. :-)
 
 So, if anyone sees me at OSU, please come up and say hello. I appreciate all of the comments here, both positive and less positive because I've gotten a better understanding of myself and others from this. Also, the yoga pants are quite comfortable and the Better Together t-shirt is actually from Interfaith Youth Core, an organization that focuses on storytelling and engagement between different faiths. :)

I hope this explains everything a bit more, and I apologize for causing such confusion and uttering anything that hurt anyone."The original reddit poster was then shamed into writing an apology.  

There is so much going on here from the original reddit poster who goes by the handle “european_douchebag’s keyboard courage, to Balpreet Kaur using this incident as an opportunity to educate us about her religion to Jodi Lobozzo Aman’s post highlighting Balpreet’s ability to dissolve conflict rather than feed it. 

I want to focus on Balpreet Kaur herself; a calm, courageous and strong women. In this age of get injections or get lost and the quest for beauty even if it hurts it is refreshing to hear of a woman who truly accepts herself.

I can’t help but wonder if more people, including myself, aspired to Balpreet Kaur's standard of inner beauty and wisdom how much better off our society would be. Balpreer Kaur is an inspiration and an amazing example of a strong woman.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Will I be pretty?
The Body Project
Shadeism

Coco Chanel: The Legend and The Life

Motivation for reading:
Coco Chanel: The Legend and the Life was Brava Magazine's September pick for their book and wine club:

While Coco Chanel’s legacy is an impressive empire, Gabrielle Chanel’s life wasn’t always so divine. Delve into a rags-to-riches tale to find how Chanel made herself into a style legend, and discover what she had to hide along the way to ascend to the top.

Since Coco Chanel was one of the women I wanted to study for my Be Strong Challenge I decided it was time I read this book.

My Thoughts:
Prior to reading Coco Chanel: The Legend and the Life, I knew little about Chanel’s life other than she was the famous French fashion designer who gave us the little black dress and Chanel No. 5 perfume. Her life is actually a fascinating study of a woman born poor, illegitimate and raised in an orphanage who transformed herself into one of the most powerful fashion designers of the 20th century.

Telling Chanel’s story though was not an easy task. As part of Chanel’s transformation she covered up much of her past and told enormous lies about her life. She even changed her birth date on her passport. Picardie sorted through personal observations and interviews with surviving friends, employees and relatives; Chanel’s abandoned memoirs and tabloid rumors to give us an accurate portrayal of Coco Chanel’s life. When in doubt Picardie presents all of the known facts along with the rumors then gives her interpretation of the truth.

Coco Chanel could be both impulsive and reckless, but nothing could stop her from going after what she wanted. In addition to being a talented creator she was also a savvy business woman. Take note of her strengths, other than sheer talent, I feel attributed to her success:

She understood the relationship between money and independence:
After learning her lover Boy Capel had deposited bank securities as a guarantee for her business and overdrafts she told her head seamstress:

“I am not here to have fun, or to spend money like water, I am here to make a fortune.” A year later, Chanel was earning sufficient money to have no more need of Capel’s financial support, and she rejoiced in her independence. (Pg. 74)

She had a hard-headed business sense:
Here are the final snippets of an argument Chanel had with Mme Bataille, the woman who did the embroidery for the house, over price on the finished pieces of a crimson crepe de Chine blouse:

“The blouse is embroidered with real Chinese silk, one kilo of which costs at present…”

“I don’t care what kind of silk you use – real or artificial,” continued Mlle Chanel; “it is none of my business. What I want is to sell the blouse. As it is, it is too expensive; therefore you must charge less for it. That’s all.” (Pg. 140)

She understood the importance of a network:
Chanel was well-connected listing Winston Churchill and Pablo Picasso as friends.

Vera Bate, a friend of Bendor the 2nd Duke of Westminster’s and others in the small world of the British aristocracy, who was working for Chanel less as a model (though she was a handsome, statuesque figure in her Chanel outfits) than as a facilitator whose social connections were invaluable. I have employed society people, not to indulge my vanity or to humiliate them (I would take other forms of revenge, suppose I was seeking them), but … because they were useful to me and they got around Paris working on my behalf. (Pg. 162) 

She had a talent for friendship, in spite of her occasional flashes of malice. (Pg. 206)

She was an adept conversationalist:
I marveled at Chanel’s ability to think on her feet while dining with Malcolm Muggeridge, a British intelligence officer in Paris after France’s WWII liberation. Chanel had had a relationship with Hans Gunther von Dincklage, a German Nazi military officer during the war and was suspected of collaboration. The dinner was a combination of social visit and intelligence gathering for MI6:

Afterword’s, Muggeridge tried to draft some sort of report on Chanel, but realized that there was nothing to say. As he reflected upon his evening, he wondered whether a more rigorous agent might have discovered further details: ‘how she managed to get to and from Spain during the occupation, whether she also offered free scent to the German troops, who were her clients, associates and intimates during those years. Alas, all I had done was to listen; fascinated and even a little awed, at the masterly way she skinned and harpooned the braided F (the MI6).” (Pg. 267)

Vanity Fair sums up Chanel’s strengths perfectly when they nominated her to their 1931 Hall of Fame:

The magazine declared its reasons for doing so in a brief yet trenchant paragraph: Because she was the first to apply the principles of modernism to dressmaking; because she numbers among her friends the most famous men of France; because she combines a shrewd business sense with enormous personal prodigality and a genuine if erratic enthusiasm for the arts; and finally because she came to America to make a laudable attempt to introduce chic to Hollywood. (Pg. 213)

In the end Chanel’s life was sad and lonely. She took morphine to help her fall asleep. She never married and bore no children of her own (unless you believe the rumor that her nephew Andre Palasse was actually her son). Here is a conversation Gabrielle Labrunie Chanel’s niece recalls with her Aunt:

‘A, simple life, with a husband and children – a life with the people you love – that is the real life.’ And yet Gabrielle could also see the manner in which Chanel had cut her own familial ties, to set herself free. ‘She battled for her freedom – to be free to drive your car, to ride a bicycle, to walk to work, you had to be able to forget about what you are wearing. Forgetting is part of freedom – and so she was free to forget her past. And even if she did not forget it, she put her memories somewhere where they did not weigh too heavily on her – just like the clothes she made, that were so light that they seemed to weigh nothing at all.’ (Pg. 315)

Bottom line:
I thoroughly enjoyed learning more about Coco Chanel’s life and career. I did find the book frustrating at times when the truth of particular details of Chanel’s life remained unclear – this is not the fault of Justine Picardie, but of Chanel herself who lied and covered up so much of her life. I felt Picardie did an excellent job of researching the truth and presenting only the facts. I also enjoyed the book's numerous photos. If you have an interest in Coco Chanel, her life, her career or her creations I highly recommend reading this book. And in case you are curious:

Karen Eigenberger of Steve’s Wine-Beer-Spirits paired Clos du Moulin Aux Moines Bourgogne Pinot Noir as the wine to sip while reading Coco Chanel: The Legend and the Life:

A toast to Coco Chanel! Perhaps thanks to her formative years in the Auvergne region of France, Coco Chanel's favorite food was fresh caviar with red wine; she it ate it a few times almost every day. In keeping with the style of wines from this region, raise a glass of Clos du Moulin Aux Moines Bourgogne Pinot Noir from the Burgundy region of France. Silky, complex, refined and elegant, much like the fashion icon herself. ($24)

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Is a book about Marie Antoinette's fashion choices really a book every woman should Read?
Biography of Fannie Lou Hamer: A Study in Strength and Leadership
I've had my fill of Mary Kay Ash
My Life in France

Observing Purple Martins - Calming my Crazy

I’ve had problems with insomnia ever since I was a young girl. Growing up I spent many a school night starring out my bedroom window wondering if there was anyone else out there who was as wide awake as me. (I had been forbidden from waking-up my sister to talk when I couldn’t sleep). Now that I am fifty I’ve lost my tolerance for sleepless nights and have added discovering new ways to quiet my mind as part of my Finding my Strength challenge.

I have to admit Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge has not worked out for me. I had a terrible bout of insomnia the night before the challenge was to begin and had all I could do just to make it through the next day let alone meditate. I skipped day one with every intention of catching up on day two. Well that never happened and when I received the “we’ve missed you email” from Deepak I didn’t bother opening it.

Which brings me to my new calming hobby – observing Purple Martins - which I discovered quite by accident. Earlier this year my neighbor took a fall and was spending time in a rehab center. His Father’s Day wish had been for his children to drive to his home and take a couple photos of the ‘flock” of Purple Martins nested in his yard. Since they were unable to comply, he called wondering if I wouldn’t mind taking a few snapshots. I was happy to oblige.

Those first Father’s Day photos weren’t very exciting, so my husband convinced me he could do better and spent the next several weeks observing and photographing the Purple Martins. He picked out his favorite photos and we put a book together. Last Saturday when my neighbor returned home I gave him the book as a welcome home gift. He said it was the most awesome gift he’d ever received. 

My neighbor has always had a passion for Purple Martins. His father had taught him when he was quite young to be on the lookout each spring for the arrival of Purple Martin “scouts” checking out the previous year’s nesting area. After spotting the scouts, the two of them would rush to put up their Purple Martin house. If the house went up too early they risked Sparrows taking residence and chasing off returning Martins. When his father passed away my neighbor inherited the Purple Martin house and continued the tradition. He was devastated a few years ago when the birds stopped using his house. He took it down and discovered the wood had rotted. The next year he erected a new house in the same spot, but still no birds. His colony had moved on. He then discovered The Purple Martin Conservation Association and added another new house with gourds based on Purple Martin Conservation guidelines. This new house did the trick; he now has a new ‘flock’ of birds that return each year.

Here are some of our photos:

 

The next day I filled my cup with coffee and took my two dogs outside. I sat on my bench next to my perennial garden with my dogs at my side. It was a beautiful crisp summer day. It had been another week of sleepless nights including one with a horrific wind storm that had downed a few major branches in our yard. The sailboats were out participating in a regatta and a lone duck was feeding on our shore line. I looked up and saw several Purple Martins flying overhead and really listened to their song. I counted ten birds. I put my head back and thought this is bliss. Several years ago after I had first moved into my husband's lake home, a friend had said, “Living on a lake you must feel as if you are always on vacation.” I had responded with, “No that is not what it is like, not at all.” As I sat there watching the Purple Martins, I knew this is what she had been talking about. At that moment I did feel as if I was on vacation. I sat there for another ten minutes taking it all in before I went back inside, back to my never ending to-do list. That night when it was time for sleep I thought about that moment; the beautiful day, sitting on the bench watching the Purple Martins. My mind was quieted and I slept.

Today the birds appear to be gone – left for their migration back to South America.  It is sad to see them leave so soon after my calming experience, but I am already looking forward to their return next spring.  I plan on joining my neighbor in his lookout for the Purple Martin scouts and anticipate observing them for the entire season and for many seasons to come. In the meantime, I will try to remember those ten minutes of bliss observing the Purple Martins from my garden bench when I need to quiet my mind and get a good night of sleep.