What to Read for a Female Mid-Life Crisis?

In my post, Ride of Your Life, I wrote about Ran Zilca’s book Ride of Your Life: A Coast-to-Coast Guide to Finding Inner Peace. He was turning 40, and had been successful in business and his personal life, but was unsure who he really was. I think that many people experience this type of feeling in midlife, where they know what they do and where they live, but not exactly sure who they are. It made him feel restless, so he went out to rediscover his identity, quiet the restlessness, and regain his inner peace.

In response to this post, I received the following comment from Ray:

I am going to seriously consider reading this book and hear is why. I am in the 40's and I wonder to myself more and more, who am I? I started to write the blog partly to answer that...... I think I need to read, and find my inner self, and come to some peace as well.

Thoughts on this? Or if one should try another book?

Oh what a comment. I have so many thoughts.

First should Ray read this book?
Sure go ahead, it can’t hurt. I read this one in a PDF format on my e-reader and think I’d have gotten more out of it if I’d read it in print. I love dog-earing pages to review later and wasn’t able to do that with this book. I think I missed a few points especially towards the end.

As for self-help books:
I don't usually finish them. I wasn't even able to finish The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen Covey and How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnagie both of which are on a list of self-help books that stand the test of time at my local library.

Another interesting quote from Ride of your Life:
This one is from Dr. Jamie Pennebaker, Chair of the Psychology department at The University of Texas in Austin:

All of self-help is bullshit and probably most of psychology.

His recommendation:

Show me the money. Show me whatever you’ve got – does it work? Does it work for you? One thing I encourage everybody is to be their own inner scientist: you have to find out what’s really working.

Zilca feels most people are not always good at accessing how well it works for them. In response, Pennebaker suggest that people take their “life pulse” every day.

Well, then you start to measure. You start to write down how many hours of sleep you are getting. You write down how you feel today. Are you sick? What’s your body temperature? There are a million ways to evaluate how your life is going. And yes, we are all delusional about things, but measuring things is not a bad idea. What’s your heart rate and your blood pressure today? How many calories are you eating? How much exercise are you getting? How many fights have you gotten into with friends and coworkers? Make a list of things that are important to you – ideally, things that you can objectively measure. Take your life-pulse every day, see how it’s going. And if it does, that’s wonderful and if it doesn’t, get in line. Most things really don’t work. (Pgs. 82 and 83).

He then suggests using writing to gain clarity about events in your life, their meaning and the way you chose to respond.

So yes dear Ray, read this book and keep blogging it may work for you.

Other book recommendations:
Most of the books I’ve read on self-discovery were tailored towards career discovery.

Here are the ones that helped the most:
Dan Miller's book 48 Days To The Work You Love

Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger's book Do What You Are

Tom Rath's book Strengths Finder 2.0

One of my favorite self-discovery books is Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar.

While searching for additional books covering female identity crisis I came across this article in Psychology Today What A Female Mid-Life Crisis Looks Like.  This article mirrors my experience perfectly:

The women in the article have not faced a crisis, but they are facing a mid-life quest for identity. For smart, goal-driven women, a mid-life crisis isn't about recovering lost youth. It's about discovering the application of their greatness. The problem is that no one has defined what "greatness" looks like so the quest has no specific destination.

If you are questioning what is next for your career and possibly, your life, this is a great time to talk to friends who might be going through a similar experience. One of the worst things busy women do is put their friendships on the back burner. There is no need to "tough it out on your own." Find a friend who is also interested in personal development who won't judge the struggle you are experiencing. A good coach can help as well.

I'm considering bringing back "The Savvy Reader Book Club" with a self acceptance or mid-life crisis theme.  Would you be interested?  For starters I'd suggest we read What A Female Mid-Life Crisis Looks Like.

What books would you recommend for a female mid-life crisis or acceptance book club?

Does Your Husband Take Care of You?

My Aunt, a product of the 1950’s, suggested I look for a husband who will take care of me after I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. During this time my former boyfriend rarely held a job and was well on his way to becoming a professional student.  (This was back in the eighties before tuition became so outrageously expensive). I could see my family hoping my next boyfriend at least had a job, but to be taken care of!  That concept seemed so old-fashioned to me.

As a teen in the seventies, I dreamed of having it all (like in the Enjoli commercial I grew up with). Plus, I strongly valued my financial independence.  I had been earning my own money since my first babysitting job at twelve years old.  I wasn’t going to stop doing so now.

Also, my parents weren’t the best of role models.  I know my aunt envied my mom for being able to stay home with her children while we were growing up, but my mom had never been “taken care of.”  Instead, she had been controlled; both financially and mentally during her marriage.  She was given grocery money when needed, but other than that my dad decided how every penny was spent.  If my mom wanted something he didn’t approve of she had to take money from her grocery fund or do without. She longed for a job and money of her own.  I wanted a better life for myself.

As to my aunt, she was the first woman I knew who worked outside the home.  Her husband had a good state job, but she liked the finer things in life.  To pay for these extras she had to work. Today at seventy-five she still works part-time while her husband retired from his state job years ago.
 

Fast forward five years.  I had recently married my husband and we were both attending a party with my extended family.  Another aunt noticed my new car and began gushing over it and my new husband’s ability to take care of me.  How fortunate I was to have made such a good catch.  I was furious.  I had spent the past five years working full-time while going to school.  I had just passed the CPA exam, secured a new job with a bigger salary and bought that new car.  The down payment had come from my savings and the loan was in my name, not my husbands. I was disappointed that of all my accomplishments and hard work, the only recognition I received was for supposedly marrying well.

As for this aunt, her third husband has leukemia and is too sick to work.  I recently saw a photo of her on Facebook selling her hand-made items in a booth at a craft fair.  She too is in her seventies.
 

Fast forward another fifteen years.  I am attending a holiday celebration with my husband’s family.
His 28-year old niece models her new winter coat; a gift from her new husband.  She says, “He knows how to take care of me.” Again I am surprised by this old-fashioned phrase and that it is coming from someone twenty years younger than me.  Plus, this young woman has a college degree and a better job than her new husband.

During my almost seventeen years of marriage, there have been years when my husband made more than me and others when I made more than him.  I’ve never once considered myself “taken care of” and I don’t think that is something he ever aspired to do.  I do feel he supports me emotionally and is an incredible help with the household chores. I do feel controlled though, but not by my husband. Instead, I'm controlled by my job, the stress that comes with it and the incredible work load. 
 

I wonder currently if the phrase, “he’ll take care of you” isn’t just wishful thinking.  Today with the high cost of tuition, housing and medical care it has become almost a necessity for both spouses to work at least a portion of their marriage outside the home. I look at my husband’s young niece and can’t help but think wouldn’t it be nice if she didn’t have to work as hard as I do and that she is able to enjoy more of life.  Perhaps that is what both my aunts were thinking when they made those comments to me.  As to my husband’s niece, perhaps she was saying her husband may make less than her but, he still knows what her needs are or how to take care of her.

Does your husband take care of you? 

This post was inspired by Spinster: Making a Life of One's Ownby Kate Bolick, who explores singledom with famous women who fashioned life on their own terms. Join From Left to Write on May 5th as we discuss Spinster. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Portia De Rossi Admits Falling For It

Motivation for reading:
I decided to read Portia De Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gainafter seeing it on a list of books about self-acceptance. One of my 2015 goals for this blog is to promote self-acceptance.

What is Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain about?
Portia De Rossi is a model and actress who stared in the popular TV shows Ally McBeal and Arrested Development. In this book she shares her personal struggle with eating disorders. Beginning at age 12 she began practicing excessive dieting and bulimic behaviors to stay thin for her modeling career. After feeling shamed by her size 8 body during a photo shoot for L’Oréal she takes her diet and fitness obsessions to a new level and becomes anorexic. Weighing only 82 lbs. she collapses. Doctors inform her she has osteoporosis and her organs were shutting down, but it wasn’t until she realizes she "fell for it" while reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Mythdoes she begin a turn-around:

I remember feeling ashamed for calling myself a feminist when I had blatantly succumbed to the oppression of the mass media telling me what was beautiful, how to look and what to weigh. I had always prided myself on the fact that I was smart, analytical, and someone who didn’t “fall for it.” By starving myself into society’s beauty ideal, I had compromised my success, my independence, and my quality of life. The stick-thin prepubescent girls never should have had power over me. I should’ve had my sights set on successful businesswomen and successful female artists, authors and politicians to emulate. Instead I stupidly and pointlessly just wanted to be considered pretty. I squandered my brain and my talent to squeeze into a size 2 dress while my male counterparts went to work on making money, making policy, making a difference. (Pg. 287)

My Thoughts:
This is a book about De Rossi and the conversations she has with herself about food, body image and her lack of self-acceptance. She mentions only in passing Ellen DeGeneres and a few of her co-stars from Ally McBeal. I was struck by how lonely she was and how she feared she would lose her career if her true sexual orientation was discovered. Her detailed account of eating rituals and obsessive workouts are truly scary.

Another interesting point, even at 82 pounds De Rossi still saw herself as fat. It wasn’t until after her health scare that she realized dieting wasn’t going to change her body’s proportions:

I saw a round face, thin arms, a body rib cage, a thick waist, and big thick legs. It was the same body I had always seen, only smaller. The proportions were the same. (Pg. 272)

Bottom Line:
If you know someone with an eating disorder and are interested in learning more about their rituals and how they think I recommend this book. I don’t recommend it for someone with an eating disorder. Professionals feel it is too much of a how-to guide for those prone to eating disorders and they may get additional ideas. It also glosses over the recovery process.

I do recommend it for a self-acceptance book club. It could lead to an interesting discussion.

As for me, I too fell for it. I’ve written before about how I spent most of my free time in my teens and early twenties shopping for the perfect outfit, styling my hair and experimenting with beauty regiments. My husband, on the other hand, at the same age was participating in sports, learning new things, working and traveling. I am also adding Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth to my reading list since I’ve never read it in its entirety.

Have you fell for society’s definition of the beauty ideal? What books would you recommend for a self-acceptance book club?

Outstanding Nonfiction Books Written By Women

As I looked at my latest library book sitting on the kitchen table, I was surprised by the author’s name:

– Beth Macy – 

Factory Man: How One Furniture Maker Battled Offshoring, Stayed Local - and Helped Save an American Townwas written by a woman.

Despite going out of my way to read mostly nonfiction books written by women for the past several years, I find it interesting that a business book authored by a woman is still enough of an anomaly to cause me to pause.

In light of the perceived/actual shortage of nonfiction books written by women (that don't come with a purse or a shoe on its pink cover), I’ve decided to share a few of my favorite nonfiction books written by woman:

Random Family: Love, Drugs, Trouble, and Coming of Age in the Bronx by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc:
In addition to being one of the best nonfiction books I’ve read written by a woman, this is also one of the best nonfiction books I’ve ever read. This moving and powerful account of two girls coming of age in the South Bronx has changed my understanding of how the circumstances into which you are born affects your economic future. Here is my original discussion of the book where I ask if it is possible to change the course of a young girl's life.

Special Exits by Joyce Farmer
This book written in comic form is considered a fictionalized memoir, but since it is based on Farmer’s real life experience taking care of her elderly parents as their health declined I am including it here. When I originally read it, I was reminded of my husband’s parents as he and his sister managed their care in their later years. Now as I attempt to care for my own mother I am again reminded of this book. I wrote about it here.

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Lifeby Anne Lamont
I’ve read other books on writing: Steven King’s On Writing and Brenda Ueland’s If You Want To Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit, this book is so much more than a book on writing. It is a memoir Lamott wrote based on lessons she learned over the years working as a writer and teacher of a writing class. She provides advice on the craft of writing as well as humorous antidotes about life especially the life of a writer. Her chapter on jealousy is outstanding.

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Culturesby Anne Fadiman
This book, the story of a Hmong girl with epilepsy and the conflict between the Hmong community and Western medical personnel, is narrative nonfiction at its best. Fadiman explores in detail what can go wrong with cultural assumptions and misunderstandings.

Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick
This one follows the stories of six "ordinary" North Koreans who defect to South Korea beginning in the late 1990s. It is another eye-opening book – what living in North Korea may actually be like. Here I include an excerpt from the book in my post about making a mistake at work.

Coco Chanel: The Legend and the Life by Justine Picardie
Coco Chanel covered up much of her past and told enormous lies about her life. What I love about this book is Picardie sorted through personal observations and interviews with surviving friends, employees and relatives; Chanel’s abandoned memoirs and tabloid rumors to uncover the truth and give us an accurate portrayal of Coco Chanel’s life.

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Leadby Sheryl Sandberg
This book has its faults, but I’m including it here because it has inspired so many women to begin talking and thinking about their career choices: leaning in and opting out.

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan
This book has its faults too. It is long and repetitive and like Lean-In is written from a white middle-class perspective, but this is the book that reignited the feminist movement. Plus, it helped me realize how much influence advertisements had on women’s lives – so much so they abandoned their careers to buy the latest carpet sweeper.

I know there are many more outstanding nonfiction books written by women. What are your favorites?

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Why I Need to Continue Making Women Count

In 2011, after reading a couple of books that discussed how far women have come and also how far we have to go I made it my 2011 blog goal to Make Women Count.

My goals were to write about:

- Women counting for more than their beauty. Explore our cultures preoccupation with weight and beauty.

- Highlighting women who are making a difference.

- Give practical advice on how women can achieve their full potential.

- Read and review books emphasizing strong women or women who have discovered their passion. Study these women as role models and analyze what made them strong.

-Answer women’s questions on work and finance issues.

-Continue to get a clue about health and beauty products. Currently, there seems to be a product or procedure that will fix just about anything. I plan to continue researching what products are genuine and which are scams.

After a year of writing posts covering topics such as shadism, the gender wealth gap and sexual harassment the year ended on a low note when I found myself guilty of gender bias. I had automatically and wrongly assumed the woman I was introduced to was the subordinate while the man she was with was the manager. After this incident I lost the enthusiasm for my project and despite vowing to continue it in 2012 I went in a different direction.

While reading Jenny Nordberg’s book The Underground Girls of Kabul: In Search of a Hidden Resistance in AfghanistanI couldn’t help but be reminded my former project.

After the Taliban regime was removed, the new Afghan government mandated a minimum of 25 percent of parliament seats be held by females. Azita, a woman Nordberg features in this book, is one of these females. In their almost five years in office, she and the other women rarely speak during sessions and if they do are ridiculed and cut off. In Azita’s reasoning:

it is better to exist on the inside, where she at least has a vote than to only shout about women’s rights from outside the barricades, where few but the foreign press might listen. Her own brand of resistance is slightly different. For instance, she never misses an opportunity to be on camera. The young and spirited Kabul press corps, much of which operates with foreign aid money, often ask Azita to comment on parliamentary negotiations and she always accepts. She prefers to be interviewed on the lawn outside, as the plenum usually disrupts in angry murmurs and complains at the sight of a video camera, although photography is indeed allowed. Azita never confronts colleagues who argue women should not appear on television, but to her that is exactly the point. If a young boy or girl somewhere in Afghanistan catches a glimpse of a woman on television, and an elected politician at that, it has some small value. To show them that at least she exists. That she is a possibility. (Pgs. 56-57)

As we go about our lives it is easy to not think about those who live in other parts of the world and what they are experiencing. I am aware women in Afghanistan have it rough and were treated as second class citizens under the Taliban, but I didn’t realize progress for women has seen little change since 2001. Sure in Kabul and some of the major cities more women are seen on the streets and more girls attend school. Outside of these areas though burkas are still commonplace and women rarely venture out without their husbands, marriages are forced, honor killings are not unusual, rape victims go to jail or are forced to marry their rapists and daughters are used as currency to settle disputes or pay off debts. Daughters are so undervalued that some families are forced to dress their girls as boys. The reasons for this vary from needing a son to work outside of the home to requiring a son to improve the family's standing in the community.

Changing this culture is not going to be an easy. Power in Afghanistan has long been held by men who control property and women are considered property. I applaud women like Azita who do what little they can to improve the lives of all. If I can spend a year reading and writing in an attempt to  make women count then at the end of the year still succumb to a gender bias can you imagine what those trying to promote woman’s equality in Afghanistan are up against?

As I continue my quest to reinvent my life in my 52nd year perhaps I need to consider bringing back my making women count project. I may not be able to actually make women count or even eliminate all of my own deeply ingrained gender biases, but hopefully I can help show others the possibility of change.

This post was inspired by The Underground Girls of Kabul by journalist Jenny Nordberg, who discovers a secret Afghani practice where girls are dressed and raised as boys. Join From Left to Write on September 16th as we discuss The Underground Girls of Kabul. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Corporate Career Interview

Have you ever considered a career in corporate America? Wondered what it would be like working for a large company? What it takes to be successful? Then you’ve come to the right place.

Today Adrian of Adrian's Crazy Life shares her career story while providing valuable insight into working for a corporation in today’s savvy career interview:

How did you get started working in corporate America?

Working in an office was the last thing I wanted.  I wanted a career in the performing arts, but one of my music teachers so squashed my dreams that I made a complete right turn, dropped all my music classes, and started taking computer classes instead.  I started at Kodak’s Corporate offices as a photocopy clerk and a receptionist when I was about 18.  I’m 53 now and I’ve worked pretty much continuously since then. 

What is your career history?

Even though I’ve worked for my current financial services company for 23 years, before that, I worked at a ton of different places.  I always had some kind of clerical or finance job, but I worked at Rockwell, Allergan, Rite-Aid, DeLorean, Coca-Cola, a real estate firm, a pharmaceutical company, all sorts of places.  Some were very small and some were the largest companies in the world.  Some of them I’ve quit, some I’ve been laid off, and some I’ve been fired from.  It’s been an interesting career. 

DeLorean was funny because all the executives had company cars and they were all these identical silver chrome cars, so they had to number the parking spaces, so each of them could find the correct car every night! 

What kind of experience and preparation helped you the most?

Nothing special, really.  My mother insisted I take a typing course in High School.  I disagreed bitterly with her at the time, but I can type 75 WPM, so I guess it came in handy.  I took a couple of very early programming courses, but the rest is pretty much self-taught.  I think it’s important to just have the idea that there is always a way to get what you want.  Even if you don’t think so in the beginning, if you are determined and stick with something long enough, you’ll find a way through, under, or over that obstacle to get what you really want. 

I do think that a college degree is over-hyped.  I hear so many people saying that they want to go back to school to do this thing or that thing.  I say, just find an entry-level spot doing it and work your way up from there.  School is such a tremendous expenditure of time and money and it doesn’t always pay off.  I know so many people who have a degree in something and work in a completely different field.  Almost no one in my family has a degree and we are all doing just fine. 

Would you recommend this same path to someone starting out today? Why or why not?

I don’t know.  It was kind of hit and miss, really.  I didn’t have any particular plan in mind, but things worked out pretty well – each job would be slightly better and pay more than the one before.  It was pretty tough sometimes.  I’ve had some really bad bosses and some really good ones.  I think I’ve stayed where I am for so long because I have good bosses and I’d be worried about getting with a bad boss again.  A 40 hour week is a long time when someone is making you miserable. 

I think the tough part was that I never felt like I could take a break, even when I had my children.  I had a brief maternity leave and then I needed to get right back to work because we had bills to pay that weren’t just going to disappear because I had a baby to take care of.  But it worked out just fine.  I found great babysitters and family members to watch my 3 sons and my bosses were always very good about allowing me flexibility to spend some time home with them.  And I would make the most of what time we did have.  I did a lot of homeschooling with my youngest, even while working a full time job.  I had him reading by age 4 and doing math and all sorts of stuff.  I would carry flash cards in my purse and we would listen to Spanish tapes in the car.  I even had special placemats at mealtimes and educational posters all over the walls.  It was really fun and rewarding for both of us.  And all 3 of my boys have turned out awesomely, so I guess it worked out very well. 

What do you like best about your work?

I am a button-pushing fool.  I love to do stuff with computers, particularly spreadsheets and huge databases.  A lot of my job is finding errors on phone bills and trying to find better ways to save money on our telecom services.  Being able to dig deep into the data and really understand it has helped me to do a good job with that.  Over the years, I have probably saved the company around five MILLION dollars, all by myself.  I definitely earn my keep! 

What is your biggest headache?

Office politics can be kind of tricky.  I can be outspoken sometimes and I’ve stepped on a few toes.  I have to learn to kind of keep to myself and focus on the work sometimes and not offer my opinion as much.  Friendships at work can be kind of interesting and sometimes it has a very “High School” feel with cliques, and teacher’s pets.  I try to stay positive and not get a lot of energy to negative stuff or negative people. 

What are the important personal qualities or abilities necessary for a person to be successful working in a large corporation?

Wow, good question!  Technical skills are important, but not nearly as much as interpersonal skills.  You have to be able to get along with people and be able to articulate your ideas well.  Being reliable is huge.  I am a complete stickler for meeting deadlines and keeping commitments, and many people aren’t.  If you get a reputation for being flaky and undependable, you aren’t going to do well.  Deliver what you promise – every time! 

How many hours do you work each week?

It depends.  I’m salaried, so I have a bit of flexibility and we also get one or two telecommute days per week, which are like gold!  But I average at least 40 hours in most weeks and up to 50 or so when I’m working on a big project.  I also do a lot of volunteer work and have been named one of my company’s top volunteers for the last two years, so I work probably another 20-30 hours a month as a Scout leader and helping with my son’s youth group. 

How has your work or company changed over the years?

It’s shocking to realize how much the technology has changed over the years.  Desktop computers simply didn’t exist when I started and when they came out, we would have like ONE that the whole department would share.  I literally found a switchboard that I’ve actually USED in a museum.  That’s just freaky.  Typewriters have gone completely extinct in my lifetime.  I can’t remember the last time I saw one.  I don’t know if someone starting out in an office today would know how to use one, yet they used to be in every home and every office.  You wonder what technology will be like 20 years from now? 

I see you have a passion for organization.  I have written before about my messy desk at work.  Do you have any suggestions to help me become more organized?

Part of it is understanding WHY your desk is messy.  Here’s a big secret – my desk is messy too, but it’s an organized messy.  I’m a very visual person and if I put work out of sight, I am likely to forget about it.  So I have different zones on my desk for different steps in my process.  If it needs to be logged in, it goes here, if it needs to be input, it goes there, if it needs research, it goes into this pile.  You have to respect the style that works best for you, but if you can set a time for even 5 minutes a day to organize yourself and maybe even make a quick to-do list, you’ll get a lot more done in a lot less time, and you’ll be able to lay your hands on any paper on your desk in 2 seconds.  I’m not there to have a pretty desk, I’m there to get stuff done! 

Is there anything else you would like readers to know about yourself or your career?

I guess I would say don’t believe everything people tell you.  People say you can’t get a good job without a college degree – bull!  You can’t do a good job of raising your children if you work – bull!  Women can’t get ahead in the workplace – bull!  I know a lot of smart and determined women who do just fine.  Look at the real situation and decide for yourself, and if you really want something, don’t let anything stand in your way.  And life is too short to put up with bad bosses – if you’re unhappy somewhere, there is a better place for you.  Put all your energy into finding it – rather than wasting your time putting up with some jerk who doesn’t believe in you.  I will work my heart out for someone who appreciates me, but someone who is critical and too controlling, they aren’t going to get my best effort.  Remember that if you are the boss. 

Where can we find you?

I’m always hanging out over at Adrian'sCrazyLife.com.  I’ve been blogging and posting several times a week since 2007.  Mostly organizing and financial tips with some parenting ideas and a hint of crafty stuff thrown into the mix. 
 

*Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on Femme Frugality and brokeGIRLrich*

What Are You Reading for Women’s History Month?

For the past few years in honor of Women's History Month, I’ve been reading a book covering women’s history or a biography of a famous woman during March. Last year I read Robert Massie's book Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman. In my review I noted that Robert Massie had written Elizabeth I of England used virginity and abstinence as prizes to tempt and manipulate powerful men. This was in contrast to Catherine the Great who had numerous lovers during her rein. I then suggested a biography on Elizabeth I would make an excellent companion read to Massie’s book.

As a result, I am choosing Alison Weir’s book The Life of Elizabeth Ias my read this year for women’s history month:

I discovered this book on Deb of Urban Moo-Cow’s list of her top ten non-fiction reads. She wrote:

I am an unabashed Anglophile. I have read so many books about Tudor-era England, both fiction and non-fiction, it is almost embarrassing. But Weir is special: an amazing writer and historian. You feel like you are reading a story, not a history book, yet every word is meticulously researched.

 Since this book is 488 pages long, I’ve decided not to select it for The Savvy Reader Book Club - book club selections are supposed to be 300 pages or less. Instead of selecting a book this month:

I am challenging you to read one book of your own choosing for Women’s History Month

If you need ideas here are a few books I recommend from my book archives:

This Little Light of Mine: The Life of Fannie Lou Hamer by Kay Mills:
In addition to being an excellent choice for Women’s History Month, this book provides a study of the civil rights movement, the history, culture and politics of Mississippi, and the economic programs and human rights Fannie Lou fought so tirelessly for.

When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins:
This is a well-researched comprehensive history of what has happened in every realm of women’s lives from 1960 to the present including Hillary Clinton’s historic presidential campaign.

Coco Chanel: The Legend and The Life by Justine Picardie:
An informative biography of the famous fashion designer Coco Chanel. This is a rags-to-riches tale describing how Chanel made herself into a style legend and what she had to hide along the way in order to ascend to the top.

In the Name of Honor: A Memoir by Mukhtar Mai:
This is the story of Muktar Mai, a poor, uneducated peasant woman from the small village of Meerwala, Pakistan. Her life is turned upside down when she is gang-raped on the order of a council of elders as punishment for her brother’s alleged affair with a woman of a higher clan. Instead of committing suicide which is the cultural norm she decides to fight for justice.

Loving Frank: A Novel by Nancy Horan:
This book is a fictional account of the real life story of Frank Lloyd Wright’s affair with one of his clients, Mamah Borthwick Cheney in the early 1900’s. Mamah who lived life on her own terms provides a glimpse into what life was like for a woman who leaves her husband and children for another man prior to the women’s movement.

Mighty Be Our Powers by Leymeah Gbowee:
Leymah won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize for helping to lead the women's protests that toppled Liberia's dictator. This book is her courageous story.

Marie Antoinette: The Journey by Antonia Fraser:
This book along with Caroline Weber’s Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution are both excellent biographies of Marie Antoinette’s life.

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan:
This is Betty Friedan’s classic book that ignited the feminist movement. It can be a bit dry and repetitive at times, but is still a worthwhile read.

My Life in France by Julia Child:
This book which is based on the letters Julia Child and her husband Paul wrote to family and friends while living in Europe is a delightful read about a woman discovering her passion later in life.

For more book recommendations see these book lists from around the web:

Books and Bassets provides an interesting list.

The Book Wheel's 30 Inspiring Books For Women, By Women - I can't you believe I've only finished four of these.

The Invisible Mentor shares a list of classic books written by women. She is celebrating the month by reading 7 or 8.

What are you reading for women’s history month?

The Real Reason You Weren’t Invited Along on that Consulting Trip

Last month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, read Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. In an earlier post, I revealed a perfume commercial from the 70's was responsible for shaping my life’s vision. Then we discussed whether greater sexual freedom meant a loss of power for women and why women opt-out of their careers.

Today I want to tell you the real reason you weren't invited along on that consulting trip. In Wonder Women, Spar recounts a conversation she had with a senior executive who openly joked he would never take a woman on a consulting trip. 

"My wife would kill me!" (Pg. 238)

I wonder how many women were not invited to lunch, out for drinks or on overnight business trips because of what others may think. These missed opportunities result in another advancement strategy not available to women.

Spar recommends two thing that will prod the evolution along:

1. We need to get a larger critical mass of women into the organizations dealing with these tensions. The more women there are in an organization, the more openly gay men and women - the more diversity - the less potent the sexual pressures will be on everyone.

2. The senior men in any organization need to engage actively and professionally with the women around them. They need to bring them along on trips, take them to lunch, invite them for golf and to meet their wives.  If there is a hint of sexual attraction involved, so be it. Deal with it, and move on.   

In my position as accounting manager, I am almost never included in management meetings held off-site. For many years I was the only female manager at my company.  I had assumed I was required to stay back to manage the office while my boss was out, then one of my employees pointed out I should be at those meetings - all of the other departments seem to make it through the day with their manager absent. Also, by not attending these meetings I miss out on critical organizational information no one thinks to share with me not to mention the relationship building opportunities I miss out on. It is interesting to note my female predecessor was not invited to those meetings either.

I have a female friend who works in HR. In her first job she was regularly invited to lunch by her company’s CFO.  She often comments that she learned more about finance during those lunches than she ever did in the classroom. Unfortunately her co-workers spread rumors that the two of them were having an affair.

Then there is my former female co-worker who in the 80’s claimed she had been propositioned for sex while on a business trip with her boss. She refused.  Upon returning to work after the trip, working for him became so unbearable she had to leave.

Contradictory to Spar's advice, Anna Runyan in her book The Professional Woman's Guide to Managing Mensuggests:

Be aware of one-on-one meetings with the men you manage at restaurants and coffee shops. These can quickly turn into “date” types of situations.  Try to bring along another work colleague to these meetings. Try to hold the meeting in the office or where there will be a lot of people around.  If you need to leave the office, recommend breakfast or lunch meetings over happy hours and dinners.  You don’t want a business meeting to turn into an uncomfortable situation. (Pg. 38)

She then gives the following advice if a male employee makes an unwanted sexual advance:

The most important thing you can do is to catch this immediately before it turns into sexual harassment.  Try to resolve the situation right away with a conversation.  If you feel comfortable enough, you can use humor to try to keep the working relationship on a positive level and say something like, “Were you flirting with me? I hope not, I really like working with you.” If humor is not working, be clear and straightforward.  Tell him that you are not interested and your relationship needs to stay professional.  If he continues to hit on you, contact Human Resources. (Pg. 44) 

What is your experience? Are you or the women in your workplace given opportunities to network with men at lunch, on business trips or on the golf course? Were they positive or negative experiences?

*Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on Femme Frugality and Savvy Working Gal*

Has greater sexual freedom meant a loss of power for women?

This month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, is reading Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. In last week's discussion, I revealed a perfume commercial from the 70's was responsible for shaping my life’s vision. Today I’d like to discuss chapter 3 – sex and the social contract.

Spar begins by explaining that the courting/dating culture that was common prior to the sexual revolution no longer exists. Today’s young men no longer ask women out on dates or to go steady. Instead they “hook up” - a boy meets a girl at a party and takes her home for sex. In one recent survey of college students, 75 percent of the male respondents and 84 percent of the females reported having hooked up at least once during their college years. (Pg. 68)

Spar feels this greater sexual freedom has resulted in a loss of power for women:

There’s something about hooking up that seems to reflect a diminution of women’s choices rather an expansion, a decrease in women’s power rather than a rise.

Ultimately the crux of the matter is whether women truly enjoy the freedom that comes from uncommitted sex. And it’s not clear that they do. Instead, as Stepp reports in Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, many of the women who embrace the hookup culture for some period of time (usually their freshman year of college) later come to regret it. Rather than feeling empowered by their conquests, they feel abandoned by the men they thought might be their boyfriends. Rather than whisking blithely from one affair to the next, they are waiting by the phone (now, at least conveniently in their pocket) for last night’s encounter to call them back. Because the hookup is so clearly not about commitment, though, he rarely does. And the women are left, longing for something they swore they didn’t want. (Pg. 70)

Then there is the money proponent:

Sex has long been connected to some underlying notion of exchange; to some sense, in other words, that each of the parties in a sexual relationship was getting something- be it property or pleasure or a lifetime of protection – out of it. Hooking up challenges this historical relationship. Echoing the anthem of the sexual revolution, it presumes that men and women are free to have sex whenever they want, with whomever they want, and with no commitment implied by the act. 

The question, though, is whether women truly get equal value from a relationship based on “free” sex. Are they equally content to give-and get-sex for nothing, or have they perhaps given men what they want (easy, cheap sex) without getting much in return? (Pg. 72)

While reading this chapter, I couldn’t help but be reminded of a young woman who lived in my dormitory my freshman year of college. I distinctly remember the afternoon a group of us were sitting around discussing our Saturday night plans when this girl announced she hoped to get lucky. If a guy could have a one-night stand without anyone thinking twice about it, she could too. Later that year, I would find her crying in the restroom because a boy was no longer interested in hooking up with her. A year or two later I would run into her again, she would confide she had just had an abortion. She hadn’t even liked her baby’s father yet terminating her pregnancy was one of the hardest decisions of her life.

Eventually, she would marry and have two daughters.

I would meet her for drinks a few years ago when she was visiting in my area. Her former hook-up lifestyle came up in conversation. This was not the life she wanted for her daughters.

As to the loss of power, I wouldn’t want to go back to the era where women were treated as possessions or a man felt he had to marry a women who became pregnant (then would abuse her), but I do think something can be said for waiting a bit before having sex. People tend to appreciate something they have to work for a little bit more.

This quote from Terry Tempest William’s book When Women Were Birds is a good example of why the hook-up experience is different for a woman than a man:

Because what every woman knows each month when she bleeds is, I am not pregnant. Because what every woman understands each time she makes love is, Life could be in the making now. Which is why when a woman allows a man to enter her, it is not just a physical act, but an act of surrendering to the possibility that her life may no longer be hers alone. Because until she bleeds, she will check her womb every day for the stirrings of life. Because until she bleeds, she wonders if her life will be one or two or three. Because until she bleeds, she imagines every possibility from pleasure to pain to birth to death and how she will do what she needs to do, and until she bleeds, she will worry endlessly, until she bleeds.

Today’s question again comes from The Reading Group Guides discussion questions for Wonder Women:

Compared to women who courted and married before the sexual revolution, do unmarried women today do a better or worse job managing love, money, and sex in the context of their relationships? Do you agree with Spar that greater sexual freedom has meant a loss of power for women? Have men lost anything?

Why I Mute TV Commercials

This month, The Savvy Reader Book Club, is reading Debora L. Spar’s book Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection. Today is the first in a series of posts I will write throughout the month inspired by this book.

One of the first points Spar, who is roughly the same age as me, makes in Wonder Women is how the perfume commercials we grew up with in the 70’s shaped the visions of our future adult life. She writes:

They stuck somehow in the public consciousness, or at least in the minds of schoolgirls like me, who simply presumed that life in the grown-up world would be just like the ad for Charlie. We'd have careers to skip to, kids to adore us, and men waiting to douse us with perfume the moment we waltzed through the door. Money and great shoes only sweetened the package.

This wasn't of course, the life that our mothers were living. In 1970, only 43 percent of women worked outside the home. In upper-middle-class white families like my own, the number was slightly higher, hovering by 1974 at around 46 percent. Most of these women worked in "traditional" fields such as teaching or nursing, and they rarely wore stilettos to the job. Yet somehow, girls growing up in that era believed - thought, presumed, knew - that they would be different. That instead of replicating their mothers' suburban idylls of parent-teacher conferences and three-tiered Jell-I molds, they-we-would go the way of Charlie, enjoying children and jobs, our husbands' money and our own. And through it all, we would be smiling and singing, gracefully enjoying the combined pleasures of life. (Pg. 16)

I was astonished. I can't believe my entire life's vision had evolved from a commercial. I vividly remember watching the following Enjoli ad on TV and thinking this is the life I am going to have. I even told my friends quoting the famous line: "I can bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan. And never forget you're a man. Cause I'm a woman.

This wasn't the first time entire generations of women were influenced by advertisements.  In Betty Friedan's book The Feminine Mystique, Betty writes how middle-class white women in the 50's and 60's abandoned their careers so they could buy the latest carpet sweeper and cleaning cleanser. A lifestyle perpetuated by magazine editors who restricted the topics and advertisements portrayed in their magazines. Friedman had studied women’s magazines for decades and found the editorial decisions were made by men who enforced “occupation housewife.” Articles and advertisements only portrayed women as housewives. They didn’t want them to have any other ambitions than to be housewives.

Which brings me to The Reading Group Guides discussion questions for Wonder Women.  The very first question asks:

Do contemporary print and electronic publications (advertising, magazines, blogs) persist in creating impossible ideals of beauty, success, and motherhood in the name of commerce, or has this approach been tempered somewhat through the use of more realistic images and languages?

Umm... I  have to say yes.   Even ads like the following Special K commercial which urges women to shut down the fat talk leaves me feeling embarrassed about my weight:

Fortunately, I don't watch a lot of TV and when I do I either fast forward through the commercials or mute them.

What do you think:

Do contemporary print and electronic publications (advertising, magazines, blogs) persist in creating impossible ideals of beauty, success, and motherhood in the name of commerce, or has this approach been tempered somewhat through the use of more realistic images and languages? Can you site examples?