Why I Need To Be More Optimistic

I admit it I prefer cynicism and a good negative rant over Pollyannaism any day. My rejection of the happiness movement began when I attended a positivity lecture with a friend at her church while in my twenties. The minister proclaimed acquiring a positive attitude along with donating money to his church would attract good things to our lives. If we believed we would become a millionaire we would become one. If we believed we would find true love we would find it. I remained skeptical while my friend got out her checkbook. Reading Barbara Ehrenreich’s book Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America probably did not help my pessimistic tendencies.

Last year while traveling with a co-worker I mentioned I had never read and didn’t believe in the premise of Rhonda Byrne's book The Secret. She spent the next two hours trying to persuade me I was wrong insisting changing her attitude had changed her life. The day after she had decided to become a more positive person an unexpected check arrived in her mailbox. I was not convinced.  

It took Jenn Aubert and her book Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch!: 100+ Successful Women Entrepreneurs Share Their Best Tips on What Works, What Doesn't (and Why) ... a Business and Designing a Life You Loveto help me understand the deeper benefits of a positive attitude. She writes:

One of the main traits seen time and again in powerful leaders at all levels is positive framing. It should be no surprise that to manage the roller coaster that is running your own business, you have to keep an outlook that looks for the silver lining in situations. But it goes beyond just having a rose-colored perspective. It is also about seeing things for the way they are and taking the facts as facts rather than spinning stories that are not true or – for that matter – useful. (Pg. 47)

People who frame things in a positive light don’t let negative feelings paint their reality in a negative way. They see things for what they are and learn from them. They understand that they’re in control of their future and can influence future outcomes, learn and grow. (Pg. 48)

During the 2002 recession the company where I work was hit incredibly hard. The owner had been on leave caring for his sick wife and had left the management of his company with his two inexperienced sons. After our company’s bank refused to renew our contract he returned to save his company. Over the next month he contracted a new bank to provide a line of credit and to take over our existing loans all at more favorable interest rates than we had previously. He negotiated long-term notes with five of our major vendors to pay off outstanding payable balances over the next two years. He downsized and cut costs in every area possible. Ultimately he saved his company. I am not sure if any of this could have been achieved if he were not an optimist. A more negative person would have just sold the company’s assets to the highest bidder.

During the great recession my company was again hit hard. Our owners again down sized and cut costs. They mentioned several times how they never would have made in through the great recession if they hadn’t experienced almost losing their company in 2002. They are convinced the changes they made in 2002 had made the company stronger and better able to withstand future financial set-backs. Talk about a silver-lining.

While Jenn Aubert was interviewing Stella Grizont the founder of WOOPAAH she learned:

Maintaining a positive attitude is deeper than just being optimistic and looking on the bright side. According to Stella what is most important is a belief in your vision and seeing ways to maneuver difficult situations and challenges. While a leader within the Ladies Who Launch organization she worked with thousands of women helping them maintain a positive frame by seeing the possibilities, taking the next step and taking account of one’s previous successes. This valuable tool of reframing situations, challenges and obstacles is a skill that can take you far. (Pg. 48)

I had been missing the true benefit of optimism. I had realized people prefer spending time with positive people and those with a positive attitude were more likely to be hired, make friends and find a mate. But I also thought those who believed in the happiness movement had been brain-washed into thinking all they had to do was be positive and good things would miraculously appear into their life. In reality ridding yourself of negative, trapped and I hate myself thoughts frees up your mind to come up with real solutions.

Perhaps it is time I let go of my own negative attitudes and work towards becoming a more optimistic person.

If you would like to learn more about Jenn Aubert and her book Women Entrepreneur Revolution please see my interview with Jenn Aubert.

Have you embraced the happiness movement?  Why or why not?

 

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Interview with Jenn Aubert author of Women Entrepreneur Revolution

One of my goals for this blog is to read and recommend career books for women. I’ve found a few good ones over the years, but honestly have to say Jenn Aubert’s book Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch!: 100+ Successful Women Entrepreneurs Share Their Best Tips on What Works, What Doesn't (and Why) ... a Business and Designing a Life You Love is one of the best entrepreneurship books for women I have read to date. In addition to providing small business and entrepreneurial advice it includes real-life examples from 100 different entrepreneurial women. I’ve never encountered this in a book before. Almost all of the books I've read have been written by men and were about men's businesses. A few years ago I read a blog comment written by a female commercial lender stating all women business ideas were lame – every single one of them. Obviously this commenter needs to read this book.

I will be writing additional posts in the next few weeks based on the lessons I’ve learned from Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready!.  Today I am delighted to share my interview with the book’s author Jenn Aubert:

What motivated you to write “Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch?
Many small moments led to the writing of Women Entrepreneur Revolution: Ready! Set! Launch!. The final 'ah ha' moment happened in the Fall of 2012 after having noticed my book shelf filled with books on business all having been written by men. It was simply an observation. Out of curiosity I went to an online forum of women business owners I belong to and asked them who they were reading, who they were following and learning from, and who are their role models. What surprised me was how few women had noted female leaders and entrepreneurs as role models - other than Oprah. Oprah is fantastic but she can't possibly be the only role model for every woman starting a business. I knew I had to figure out what was going on so. That’s when I decided to take a year and ask 100 women who inspired them and how they've created success for themselves.

Who are your female role models?
I have so many now I feel like I need a board on my wall to remember them all. Each inspires me in a different way. One of my role models is a woman I used to work with when I was in the corporate world. Before she became an executive recruiter she was a co-founder of a biotechnology company and was previous a bench scientist involved in cancer research. She is one of the coolest, most generous, loving people I’ve ever known. I admire her grace under pressure and her ability to lead in a more feminine style.

Others that are newer to my stable of role models is Alexis Maybank of Gilt and Jessica Herrin of Stella & Dot. They both have created significant empires in areas where people thought they were nuts. Alexis is a strong leader in the technology community while remaining approachable. Jessica has created a company that helps women create a flexible living for themselves. Both are also moms.

What is your why and why is that important?
My why is that I want to help women build a sustainable business that will enable them to fulfill every passion and desire they have. My why has been around for years but only recently have I discovered the how to do this. The book is a start. My next venture, LearnSavvy, is the next phase.

What was your biggest surprise or lesson learned from interviewing over 100 women?
I was surprised how willing busy successful women were to take the time to speak to me. They were incredibly kind in giving their time, sharing their wisdom and helping a fellow woman pursue her dreams.

In terms of lessons, many women gave the advice of asking for what you want and need. I realized that I have been terrible at that in my professional and personal life. Over the course of the year and having that piece of sage advice reiterated over and over, I’ve become more brave in my own life in terms of asking for what I need.

Is it possible to attain a work/life balance?
While I was interviewing the women for the book I was franticly trying to find my own balance. I was managing my business and a toddler while interviewing, researching, and writing the book. Trust me, I was asking how other’s were doing it because I felt like I was drowning.

What I found was there is no one answer to the question, “How do you balance family and work?”. Everyone has their unique ways to integrate the two, knowing that true balance will never happen. That’s the one relief that came out of talking to over a hundred women. That no one really has the answer - the magic solution - to “having it all.” And quite frankly, it’s ok.

The key is to honestly do the best you can, ruthlessly prioritize what you most value and let go of things that just aren’t that important. There are only so many hours each day so honor that time and focus on what is most important to you.

What do you know now that you did not know when you were 18?
I think at 18 I was more focused on what I should do and be. I planned on majoring in International Relations thinking that I wanted some high paying corporate job traveling the world. I realize now that you can create the income you want in such a variety of unique ways while living a life that really fits you. You don’t have to have an MBA, wear a suit and sit in the corner office to make a really fabulous life for yourself. But that’s all part of life. It takes doing a lot of what doesn’t fit to figure out what does. It’s like dating, you have to go out with a lot of guys to find just the right one.

Is there anything else we should know about you or your book?
I’ve been surprised to hear from women who are not business owners, that they have gotten so much out of the book. I’ve heard stories of women being inspired to take more risks in their corporate roles and of women taking more bold steps in their philanthropic work. It truly warms my heart that this book is helping women everywhere become the best versions of themselves.

Thank you Jenn.  I am already looking forward to your next project - LearnSavvy.

Who are your female role models?  Please share in the comments below.

Disclosure: I was given a copy of this book prior to this interview.

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Career Interview: Q & A With Norine Dworkin-McDaniel

Today I am pleased to present my career interview with Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, the co-creator of Science of Parenthood, an illustrated humor blog for parents. Norine’s passion for writing shines though as she chronicles her career as a writer while sharing lessons she’s learned along the way:

How did you decide to become a writer?

I always knew I was going to be a writer. Writing is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do. As a little girl, I was always writing stories. And I suppose I was a very early blogger, though back when I was in grade school in the ‘70s, we simply called it “journaling,” since there were no laptops back then, and the Internet didn’t exist. But, like bloggers, I’d write stories/essays about the things that happened in my daily life, then I’d staple the notebook paper pages together like a “book.” If only I’d had Create Space back then! Growing up, I was very influenced by the newspaper humorists Erma Bombeck and Dave Barry. That was my dream — to write funny essays in my hometown newspaper. Now newspapers are suffering and I write funny essays on my own blog.
 

You have an interesting background.  Can you describe your career history?

I think I’ve worked in all written media save for papyrus and parchment! I started as a newspaper writer in high school. I’d go to class in the mornings and then work for the  neighborhood newspaper in the afternoons. During summer breaks when I was in college, I worked in the features/entertainment sections at several large regional dailies, like the South Florida Sun Sentinel, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Orange County Register. I started writing for alternative papers, like the Village Voice and the gay weeklies, when I was a grad student at New York University. After grad school, I made the leap to magazines, starting in the trade magazines as an assistant editor. Eventually, I worked my way up the masthead, landing bigger jobs at bigger magazines. My last staff job was as a senior editor at Vegetarian Times, a monthly magazine and managing editor for the sister publication Natural Remedies, a bimonthly.
 

But since I wanted to write more than I wanted to edit, I freelanced for other magazines as well. I pretty much spent every spare moment writing freelance articles. I got my big break in the late ‘90s doing a health feature for Good Housekeeping — on pet massage, of all things — and then I gradually segued into women’s health, children’s health, nutrition and relationships. I quit my job at Vegetarian Times to write freelance full-time in 1999. I’ve written for many of the magazines women read: Family Circle, Ladies Home Journal, More, Fitness, Parents, American Baby, Redbook, Marie Claire, Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Shape, Prevention, Readers Digest, Health, All You. I’ve written for websites as well: Lifescript, iVillage, Everyday Health, AOL.  

What kind of experience and preparation helped you the most?

I wrote for my college newspaper all four years I was in school and was the Arts & Entertainment editor for three. That’s where I started learning how to plan a section, how to work with and edit other writers, how to do page layout. I also interned at newspapers every summer. By the time I was finished with graduate school, I already had a sizable resume, with jobs at six newspapers — and I had great clips (writing samples) to show for it. I worked with some really wonderful editors, who helped me become a better writer. This on-the-job training, some of which was paid; some not, was invaluable.  

Would you recommend this same path to someone starting out today? Why or why not?

It’s different today because blogging has really opened up publishing to everyone. Anyone can jump on Blogger or Word Press and start writing, and if they’re doing interesting things on their blog, and promoting it well, they’ll find an audience. But what I would say, though, to anyone who wants to write well, and/or professionally, is to get some kind of training, whether that’s in high school or college or adult continuing education courses or through the many seminars/online classes/conferences/coaching offered by organizations like Writers Digest University, She Writes or Mediabistro. My friend Sarah Burns, who’s been my editor at four magazines over the years, is getting set to teach a Mediabistro course on Breaking Into Health & Fitness Reporting.
 

It’s easy to do a blog. Doing a well-written blog is harder. But if you’re hoping to use your blog to attract brands and earn money or to become a blogger for your favorite magazine/website, you’ll need a good grasp of grammar/punctuation basics and a sense for how stories are told. All too often, I’ll read what could be a funny or engaging story on a blog, but the blogger has approached the post like a diary entry, starting at the very beginning of her/his day (“Well, first I woke up ….”) then plodding through every tiny thing they did till the funny thing happened. The post would be much stronger if they’d just started with the funny bit, then perhaps filled in the backstory for context.  So, taking some writing courses to learn about how to structure a story, can be helpful. 

What do you like best about your work?

My work is fun. It makes me happy. And I make others happy by making them laugh. Or at least smile. When I was strictly a freelance magazine writer, I learned a lot about health conditions, preventive care, good nutrition, what makes for good parenting, good relationships, etc. And I felt like I was giving back or providing a needed service by communicating information that women needed about their personal health, their families’ health. But after 15 years of doing that, I started to get tired of just writing magazine articles. So I created Science of Parenthood and work became fun again. My day is all about making parents laugh about the craziness of raising kids. There’s “work” there too. My partner and I have a schedule for posting; we have deadlines; sometimes things don’t always go as planned; we’ve had some disappointments. But overall, I feel supremely fortunate that I created something that people enjoy; that I partnered with a friend who has complimentary talents and a similar sense of humor; and that I am excited about going to work every day. Although, to be honest the only “going to…” I do is from my bedroom, up the stairs to my office, so it’s not like I have a long commute.  

What is your biggest headache?

It’s not really a “headache” per se, but what my partner and I are focused on now is growing our audience. We’re constantly exploring new ways to get people’s attention because we know that people enjoy our cartoons. We’d like to have more people enjoy them.  

What are the important personal qualities or abilities necessary for a person to be a successful writer?

1. A love of reading.  You become a better writer by reading good writing. I love writing essays, so I’ll often flip to a magazine’s back page essay and read that first. I tear-sheet a lot of those essays, not only because they’re enjoyable to read and re-read, but because I can read them for structure to get a sense of how the writer told their story in 750 words. I also like to read essay collections. Two of my favorites are Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik, which is a collection of his New Yorker writings from when he was stationed in Paris; and I Wanna Be Sedated: 30 Writers on Parenting Teenagers, a collection of funny and poignant essays by well-known writers about the ups and downs of dealing with teenagers.
2.  Self-motivation and discipline. One of my favorite quotes on writing is from Nathaniel Hawthorne (The House of the Seven Gables, The Scarlet Letter): “Easy reading is damn hard writing.” And that is the honest to goodness truth. Writing is hard. You need to be able to motivate yourself to sit down to write even when you don’t feel like writing, even when you feel intimidated by the blank page/screen. And you need to have the discipline to edit and re-edit and polish what you write until it’s as perfect as you can get it. Some people are blessed with the ability to write perfect prose in 20 minutes. I am not one of those people. I am a very slow writer. I need a lot more time to really make my work sing. How do I know when one of my stories is finished? I know my writing voice. When I hear it as I’m reading, then I know I’m done.
3.  A thick skin. Part of writing is rejection. By editors. By readers. By Internet commenters. You need to be able to brush it off and keep going. Case in point, an agent approached my Science of Parenthood partner and I a few months after we’d started publishing with the idea of turning the blog into a book. We were incredibly excited at the thought. And we put together a book proposal and our agent sent it around to every conceivable publisher … and we got universally turned down. There were publishers I never even heard of who turned us down. But we didn’t let it deter us. We know we have a great book idea and we’ll simply produce it ourselves. The publishing industry’s loss is our gain. I’ve also had my share of Internet haters leave nasty comments about my work. It used to bother me. Now I just don’t read the comments.   

How many hours do you work each week?

It’s hard for me to keep track. It feels like I’m always working. But sometimes “working” means I’m writing and rewriting, or editing my partner’s work. Sometimes that’s reading and commenting on other blogs, looking for potential guest posters. Sometimes that’s doing social media to promote our content and other people’s content. Sometimes it’s networking or reading a book by an author I’m going to interview. Sometimes it’s brainstorming cartoon ideas with my partner … or ways to improve how we present our content to readers. Sometimes it’s being interviewed on the radio or webcasts or by other writers/bloggers, like Savvy Working Gal. And a few weeks ago, it was going camping in an RV with my family because a magazine wanted a first-person story on what its like to camp in an RV. So even though I was “on vacation” that weekend, I was still working, taking pictures, keeping notes, being hyper-aware of everything that happened so I’d be able to include it in the story later. I’m a workaholic. I am always working.  
 

As a blogger, I can spend hours reading and commenting on other blogs. How do you focus your time to get the best results?

This one is hard because social media is so seductive, you can get sucked into your feeds on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and Pinterest and burn hours before you realize it. And I’m no more immune than the next blogger. Sometimes I’m more disciplined than others. But I find when I have deadlines to meet — and we have a set schedule for posting on Science of Parenthood — then I’m less apt to get lost in social media.
 

What do you wish you would have known before becoming a writer or blogger?

As a blogger, when I first started out — and I had two other blogs before I created Science of Parenthood — I did not realize just how social blogging is and how important it is to create community on your blog and encourage engagement and comment and share others’ work. Coming from Old Media (magazines and newspapers), it was very one sided — the writer to the reader. Sure people wrote letters to the editor, but the writer wasn’t expected to respond to every comment, only if it was something controversial or the writer had to address some accusation or point raised by a letter writer. With blogging, it’s very communal, readers want that engagement from the writer. It’s a two-way conversation, and it took me a while to get that. Now I really enjoy engaging with readers and hearing their stories.
 

Are there any books you suggest reading, training courses that would be beneficial or professional organizations aspiring writers or bloggers should consider joining?

I mentioned a few above — Writers Digest, She Writes (which is like Facebook for women writers of every stripe from poets to novelists, newbies to New York Times best-selling authors) and Mediabistro. Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style is a must-have for grammar. It’s important to know the difference between your and you’re; between its and it’s; to say you’re doing well when someone asks how you are, not good; to know that it’s people who…, not people that. These are common mistakes I see every day in blog posts and poor grammar really distracts from the writing.

As for the how-to’s of blogging, bloggers can get a lot of knowledge from joining Facebook groups and Google + communities where veterans are always happy to support newcomers and help them overcome blogging challenges.
 

How much can a writer or blogger expect to earn?

That really depends on the outlets you’re writing for. Print magazines still pay much better than websites, though articles are getting shorter, which is reducing payments. I used to be able to make $5,000 on a 2,500-word health story. Now that story is being assigned at 1,800 words, so the fee drops to $3,600. And with websites, they don’t pay even $1 a word, which is rock-bottom for a magazine. The most I’ve ever gotten for a web story is $750. Most are assigned at about $300 or less. It’s almost not worth doing the research … unless you’re in it for the “exposure,” which is what blog hubs like Huffington Post offer in lieu of payment.

I’ve written for “exposure” so that I could add certain kinds of blog credits to my author platform. I’m working on a couple of books and it’s expected that as a parenting/humor writer/blogger I would have been featured on sites like Scary Mommy, BlogHer, HuffPo Parents, Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The payoff for me will come down the line in a book deal or books sold. But without that kind of future payoff promise, I doubt I’d blog simply for “exposure.” 
 

Are there any scams, pitfalls or phony opportunities to watch out for?

This may relate to brands, but I can’t comment because I don’t write sponsored posts.
 

I recently read the age of the big blog is over and that blogging is sweatshop labor.  What are your thoughts on this?  Do you see a future in blogging as a career? What about freelance writing?

Publications, magazines, websites will always need freelancers because they need more content than what their staff editors can possibly produce, so in that way, absolutely, freelancing is still a viable career. Though the freelancers who will be best prepared today are those with multiple skills — people who can write AND take photos AND produce and edit videos AND do podcasts AND understand SEO best practices AND work social media like a pro. Because publications are moving online, there’s going to come a time when simply providing words won’t be enough.  If you want to see an amazing example of this, check out the New York Times multimedia package Snowfall: The Avalanche at Tunnel Creek by John Branch.

Your statement about blogging being “sweatshop labor,” I take to mean that there are so many blogs now, bloggers have to work much harder to get noticed. But I firmly believe that good content always finds an audience. You may need to sharpen your social media skills to help people find you — and pick up some publicity skills too — but if you have a good blog and you consistently deliver quality content, people will read you.
 

Now, others may disagree with me, but I believe that having a tight focus or niche for your blog is helpful because then readers know what you’re about and what kind of content to expect from you.  At Science of Parenthood, we do one thing — parenting humor. That doesn’t mean we don’t cover crafts or food, but it’s always through a parenting lens. I find blogs that take the kitchen sink approach — crafting, cooking, recipes, coupons, beauty, social media, parenting, books, gardening — to be very confusing. If you have multiple interests, why not create multiple blogs? My friend Carissa Miller does this beautifully on her site Carissa Miller Do You Read Me? where she has separate blogs for mothering, crafting, cooking and gardening and everything else that doesn’t fit into those categories under one URL. This approach gives her great freedom to write on the topics she loves, but it makes it easy for her readers to find what they’re looking for. 

So, can you make a living blogging? I certainly hope so as this is my plan to send my kid to college. And many bloggers have figured out how to monetize their blogs by selling ad space on their sites or working with brands to write sponsored posts. For us at Science of Parenthood, blogging is what we do to introduce readers to our snarky, cheeky, quirky humor, and we’re hoping that eventually those readers will want to buy our fridge magnets, coffee mugs, postcards and coming soon, our books.
 

How do you stand out from the crowd?

The mommy blog/parenting blog niche is incredibly crowded. We stand out as Science of Parenthood by presenting parenting humor with a very unique spin — through a lens of faux math and snarky science. No one else couches the trials and tribulations of parenting in this way. Plus, we’ve got dynamic, colorful illustrations/memes that beg to be shared. The marriage of original content with eye-catching images makes us standout against the field of parenting blogs.

Is there anything else you would like readers to know about yourself or your career?

We’re always looking for reader-inspired content. If you or your readers come up with a “scientific” principle on parenting and we use it on the blog, we give a shout out to the person who came up with the idea and a printout of the cartoon they inspired.
 

Where can we find you?
Please stalk us — in a non-creepy way! — on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ Pinterest and of course, our blog!
 

Thank you so much for the interview, Savvy! This was delightful. 

Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us by Seth Godin

This month one of The Savvy Reader Book Club selections was Seth Godin’s book Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us. I chose this book after learning Molly Ford of Smart, Pretty and Awkward recommended reading it.

What is this book about?
Seth Godin describes a tribe as any group of people, large or small, who are connected to one another, a leader or an idea. In this short book, only 147 pages long, Godin inspires us to embrace our leadership potential and challenge the status quo.

My Thoughts:
I love a good business book. For me a “good” business book helps me understand the current state of business and provides new ideas I can use to improve the organization where I work or to write about on this blog.

Tribes is strong on helping me understand where business is today. Godin feels many organizations are trapped in maintaining the status quo. By doing so they fail to adapt or innovate and end up dying. Think Kodak or the music industry. Much of this is due to companies having a management problem. Godin writes:

Management is about manipulating resources to get a known job done. Burger franchises hire managers. They know exactly what they need to deliver and they are given resources to do it at low cost. Managers manage a process they’ve seen before, and they react to the outside world striving to make the process as fast and as cheap as possible.

Leadership, on the other hand is about creating change that you believe in. (Pgs. 13 - 14) 

This is where this book begins to fall short for me. I can’t exactly march into my manager’s office tomorrow and recommend he get rid of our managers and begin looking for leaders.

What the book does do is provide encouragement and inspiration to those who have an idea or wish to create a tribe and need a push to do so. Godin spends a fair amount of time writing about fear and thinking your way out of it. He also writes about the naysayers and heretics and how they are ultimately the ones who end up demoted, fired, disgraced and unhappy.

Bottom Line:

It’s possible you missed the checklists, the detailed how-to lists, and the For Dummies style instruction manual that shows you exactly what to do to find a tribe and lead it. (Pg. 146) 

That is because there aren’t any. If that is what you are looking for you will be disappointed with this book. This book is actually more of a motivational guide to inspire you to become a leader or to contribute to a tribe. If that is what you are looking for this book will be perfect for you.

Have you read this book? If so what were your thoughts? What business books do your recommend reading?

Leymeah Gbowee’s Lessons on Domestic Abuse

Last month The Savvy Reader Book Club read Leymah Gbowee's book Mighty Be Our Powers: How Sisterhood, Prayer, and Sex Changed a Nation at War.

There are so many lessons to be gleaned from this book. The very first being:

Life seldom goes according to plan:

When Leymah Gbowee was a young girl in Liberia she dreamed of becoming a doctor. Her plan was to study, work, marry, have children, and maybe someday live in one of the sprawling brick air-conditioned mansions that lined Payne Avenue. Six months after graduating from High School all of her dreams would be gone. By age 19 she found herself pregnant and in an abusive relationship with an older married man.

Gbowee is not afraid to write about her flaws and the mistakes she made in her early life. In doing so she shares important lessons she learned about domestic abuse. 20 years after meeting the father of her children she still has hard time thinking or talking about him. He almost destroyed her. She was never in love with him.

Why did she make such a bad choice?

• Financial security – At a time when almost everyone she knew was out of work and struggling from day to day, Daniel made eight hundred US dollars a month- the equivalent of tens of thousands of Liberian dollars – working as a logistics officer at the American embassy complex, and he freely spend money on her: gifts of jewelry and perfume from the Lebanese merchants, meals at Angel’s, his favorite restaurant. (Pg. 42)
• Intense and passionate sex.
• The war – without it she would have been in school and living at home. Rebellion – She was tired of being the good girl who took care of her parents’ house when relatives crowded in, who went out into dangerous streets to look for food so everyone could eat, and carried hungry kids on her back. She’d seen so much destruction and death, felt so much rage and misery. (Pg. 43) 
• She was only nineteen and wanted to have a little fun.

She shares what she has since learned about domestic abuse:

• Pregnancy never solves anything, and more often it makes things worse. Now that I was “his,” Daniel’s need for control tightened. He didn’t like my friends visiting. Which Boyfriend are they bringing a message from?” If we needed food, he had me wait for him to come home from work so we could shop together. A moment of rebellion, and now I was caught. It’s hard to explain. You start with fantastic sex; you give another person that power over your body, then gradually, you give him other powers, too. I’d always vowed never to be like some of the women I’d seen when I was growing up, who had babies with multiple fathers. The father of my children would be my husband, and I would stay with him. (Pg. 44)  
•  Men like him always want you to believe no one else wants you. (Pg. 47)

While still in her abusive relationship Gbowee enrolled in a program run by UNICEF training people to become social workers. She learns the following in a class on marriage and social life:
 

The Cycle of Domestic Violence:

In an abusive relationship there is a romantic honeymoon period followed by hitting, which led to apology and making up and another honeymoon period.

While working as a social worker with Sierra Leone refuges Gbowee meets women with troubles much worse than her own. Slowly she is able to build up her resolve; while pregnant with her fourth child she leaves her abuser for good.

 

Leymeh Gbowee's story provides an inspirational account of someone who was able to tap into her inner strength leave her abuser and go on to achieve great things.

Have you read this book? If so, what were your thoughts?

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Final Thoughts on Sheryl Sandberg's Book Lean-in

This month The Savvy Reader Book Club read Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Today I am sharing my final thoughts on this book. Previous discussions included What does "lean-in" mean for you?, When Taking a Pay-Cut is a Good Career Move, Sheryl Sandberg's Advice on How to Get Hired and Receiving a Job or Promotion Because You Are a Woman.

As you may recall I put-off reading this book because of the numerous negative reviews I'd read on-line; I thought it wouldn't be worth my time.  Was I wrong.  This book is the best career advice book I've read in years.  Here are a few additional career lessons from the book I didn't cover in previous posts:

Don't ever ask someone if they are your mentor:
This question is a total mood killer.  If someone has to ask the question, the answer is probably no. When someone finds the right mentor it is obvious.  (Pgs. 65-66)

Also a note from my experience, don't hand your business card to someone immediately upon meeting them with no additional conversation.  I can guarantee that business card will end up in the garbage.

On negotiation:
The goal of successful negotiation is to achieve our objective and continue to have people like us.  Professor Riley Bowles believes that women can increase their chances of achieving a desired outcome by doing two things in combination.  First, women must come across as being nice, concerned about others, and "appropriately female."

Sheryl advises many women to negotiate rather than accept the original offer. By doing so, women position themselves as connected to a group and not just out for themselves; in effect they are negotiating for all women.  Whenever possible, women should substitute "we" for "I."

According to Bowles, the second thing women must do is provide a legitimate explanation for the negotiation.  Men don't need to do this.  (Pg. 47)

What can we do to change social norms:
Too many work standards remain inflexible and unfair, often penalizing women with children.  Too many talented women try their hardest to reach the top and bump up against systemic barriers.  So many others pull back because they do not think they have a choice.  All of this brings me back to Leymah Gbowee's insistence that we need more women in power.  When leadership insists that these policies change they will.  Google put in pregnancy parking when I asked for it and it remains there long after I left.  We must raise both the ceiling and the floor. (Pg. 169)

Bottom line:
I think Sheryl Sandberg 's book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead would make a great graduation gift in addition to being an excellent choice for any career centered book club.

 

If you read this book what did you think?

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Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman

Motivation for Reading:
I decided to read Robert K. Massie’s book Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman when Michelle of That's What She Read responded to my comment on her review of the book with:

You will love it as it definitely fits in with your theme of empowering women. Catherine was one amazing woman.

What is Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman about?
At almost 600 pages, Massie has written an all-encompassing biography of Catherine the Great beginning with her childhood in Germany and ending with her death at the age of 67.

My thoughts:
Since the book is so long, the thought of reading it seemed daunting, but Massie created such an engaging story I had no trouble finishing it. Prior to reading this book, I knew almost nothing about Catherine the Great or Russian history. I found every page to be fascinating – including the historical events and the politics of the time. Catherine’s story is remarkable:

If this book would have been fiction I’d have set it aside thinking it was implausible: 

Catherine, an obscure Russian princess, travels from her home in Germany to Russia with the intention of marrying Peter, the Russian heir to the throne. After their wedding her primary role was to produce a male heir. This ends up being impossible since her new husband refuses to touch her, preferring to play with his toy soldiers in their bed. This scenario continues for nine years. Finally, in order to produce an heir, Catherine has an affair with another man. Catherine bears a son whom the Empress names Paul. She then has the new baby taken from his mother and raises him as if he is her own. Once Peter becomes Emperor he ends the popular war with Prussia and institutes domestic policies that infuriate the military, the Orthodox Church and the Russian people. Catherine along with her current lover and his friends are able to overthrow Peter and Catherine becomes Empress. She reins until her death 34 years later. 

Why Catherine deserved the title of "Great:"

Elizabeth I of England was the only woman equal to Catherine on a European throne. In Russia's history, Catherine and Peter the Great tower in ability and achievement over all the other tsars and empresses of the Romanov dynasty. Catherine's accomplishments include two successful wars against the Ottoman Empire expanding Russia’s borders to the Black Sea and Central Europe. She was the first person in Russia to be inoculated against smallpox then persuaded others to do so.   She imported European moral, political, judicial philosophy, literature, art, architecture, sculpture, medicine, and education. She assembled the greatest art gallery in Europe, hospitals, schools, and orphanages. Peter made Russia a great power.  Catherine magnified this power and advanced the nation toward a culture that during the century that followed produced many of the artistic masters Russia is known for today.

What was her secret? How was she able to accomplish so much?

She was able to conceal her pride:
Her mother, not wanting her daughter to be arrogant or rebellious decided “to drive the devil of pride out of her.”

She was repeatedly told she was ugly and impertinent, forbidden to speak unless spoken to and made to kiss the hem of the skirts of all visiting women of rank. Later, concealment of pride in humility came to be recognized as a deliberate and useful tactic which Catherine used when confronting crisis and danger. (Pg. 9)

She used every opportunity to improve herself and her situation:
It did not take Catherine long to understand two underlying facts about her position in Russia:

First, that it was Elizabeth, not Peter whom she had to please: and, second if she wanted to succeed in this country she must learn its language and practice its religious faith. (Pg. 52) 

During the 17 years Catherine spent in Russia prior to Empress Elizabeth’s death, she spent her time reading. Assigned with the task of producing a male heir she spent much of this time ignored by or bored by her husband: books were her refuge. She always kept a book in her room and carried another in her pocket. She studied the great philosophers. Guided by her own curiosity, gradually she acquired a superior education. (Pg. 145)

She aligned herself with the right people:
Over the years Catherine made herself more popular than Peter with the Russian Courtiers and the Russian people. With the help of her lover Gregory Orlov and his brother Alexis, she won over the allegiance of the Russian Army giving her the support of the military. She made calculated moves when determining which countries to form alliances with and to support and which to not. I thought it interesting that she choose not to aid Great Britain in their war with the American colonies.

She understood who held the real power:
In a conversation V.S. Popov had with the Empress she explains the blind obedience with which her will was fulfilled everywhere, of the eagerness and zeal with which all tried to please her. It is not as easy as you think.” She replied. In the first place, my orders would not be carried out unless they were the kind of orders which could be carried out. You know with what prudence and circumspection I act in the promulgation of my laws. I examine the circumstanced, I take advice. I consult the enlightened part of the people, and in this way I find out what sort of effect my laws will have. And when I am already convinced in advance of good approval, then I issue my orders and have the pleasure of observing what you call blind obedience.

That is the foundation of unlimited power. But, believe me; they will not obey blindly when orders are not adapted to the opinion of the people.” (Pgs. 172-173)

Despite being a "great" ruler she was held to a double standard:
According to Massie, Catherine had 12 lovers during her reign who were referred to as favorites.  What shocked her contemporaries was not the number, but the age difference between Catherine and her lovers. She preferred increasingly younger men. She wanted assurance she could still attract and keep a man's love. In return the young men sought ambition, desire for prestige, wealth and power.  Hmm...weren't kings and their mistresses doing this exact thing for centuries?

Book club recommendation:
Massie informs us Elizabeth I of England used virginity and abstinence as prizes to tempt and manipulate powerful men.  Wouldn't reading a biography of Elizabeth make an excellent companion read?

Bottom Line:
I highly recommend Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman to anyone who wants to learn more about Catherine the Great, Russian history or to just read about an amazing self-built woman who was truly Great.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Is a book about Marie Antoinette's fashion choices really a book every woman should read?
Coco Chanel: The Legend and The Life
Biography of Fannie Lou Hamer: A Study of Strength and Leadership

Please note, I am an Amazon affiliate

How to Pull Myself Out of a Rut?

For the past several weeks I’ve been in a rut. I'm behind at work, despite working six Saturdays in a row. My reading pile isn't dwindling and I haven't been able to keep up with this blog. Plus, I am running out of ideas for my strength and email challenges. On a particularly low day, I emailed Marcy of (Don’t Be) Too Timid and Squeamish asking for advice. I’ve been reading Marcy's blog for a while and am impressed with how she continues to push herself out of her comfort zone as she takes on a series of challenges.

Here is our conversation:
Marcy I am working on a strength challenge - trying to become a stronger person in my fiftieth year and I’ve begun to feel stagnant. I’m buried in lousy weather (seriously this is the winter that will not end here in Wisconsin), preparing boring spreadsheets at work, cleaning, thinking about preparing my taxes and the tendonitis in my elbow that flared up before the holidays is still causing me grief.

When you are feeling down how do you keep pushing yourself forward with your challenges?
I find I do pretty well with short or medium-length goals, like if I have a 5K or other goal like that two months out or six months out. Then I make a plan and work toward it. Right now I am preparing for a "Fitathlon" that a friend convinced me to do, so that is keeping me motivated.

I am not as good at staying motivated for the long haul. I do walk each day, though. I wear a pedometer and always make sure I get at least 10,000 steps a day, so I like being sure that I will get at least a little exercise every day. I also like playing tennis, so that keeps me active for a lot of the year.

I really don't have any great tips for getting out of a rut. I think trying to set small goals until I create some good habits is what usually works for me. Maybe you could sign up for a fitness-related event and prepare for it with a group? I think some gyms set up classes along those lines.

What motivated you to become less timid and squeamish?
I have always been introverted, but I noticed that more and more I was turning down social opportunities and saying "no" to trying new things. I was stuck in a rut and wanted to find some way to motivate myself to do more things. I also wanted to do more writing and find an audience for my writing. I started the blog (Don’t Be) Too Timid and Squeamish. At first, I pushed myself to do more things, and I soon found that taking on new challenges became easier as my confidence grew. I tell more about it in this video log if you're interested: Why I Blog.

What makes you feel strong?
Mentally, I feel strong when I push myself to do something that I feel timid about. Physically, I find myself going back again and again to the good old push-up. I have done them on and off since completing a challenge to do 50 consecutive push-ups (it took me six months to work up to it!), but when I am doing them regularly, I feel strong.

What do you do or see others doing that detract from strength?
I am guilty of procrastination. I intend to do something and somehow months go by. I think that's why my "101 things in 1001 days" list has been so powerful for me. There is a deadline, so instead of a "someday" list or a bucket list, I feel motivated to do the things. My blog helps with that too because I am always looking for the next thing to write about.

I see others doing the same thing that I am often guilty of: having a goal, but not starting to work toward it, or starting and then abandoning it without giving it enough of a commitment.

Of the adventures you've written about on your blog, which one was your favorite and why?
My favorite adventure that I've written about on my blog was definitely traveling alone to Costa Rica. It was the time when I most clearly realized that I had grown and changed since I had started my blog. I never would have even aspired to taking a trip on my own before that. In fact, when I put "travel alone at least overnight" on my 101 Things list, I just pictured staying in a hotel one night in Boston or something like that.

Thank you Marcy, this has been a big help. My problem is I set a big goal, but have allowed myself to fall back into an old familiar pattern -mainly procrastination. I need to set a few small goals to help get back on track.  Since our conversation, I’ve decided to see a doctor about my elbow, I selected David Allen's book Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity as my next read, I joined Carli Alice in her no sugar challenge -  no sugar accept fruit and stevia for my coffee for the next eleven weeks. I finished my taxes and have even managed to clean my desk at work. I am also putting together a handmade postcard celebrating something I've done outside of my comfort zone for Marcy's send me your postcard feature. 

How do you pull yourself out of a rut?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
How to Pull Yourself Out of a Slump
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Strength Challenge Interview #5 - Closing Comments

Created by Darlene B. Nemuth

This week I am running a series of posts resulting from my strength interview with Darlene B. Nemeth. About two years ago Darlene embarked on a journey to travel towards inner peace and happiness. Her quest reminded me of my own challenge to become a stronger person in my 50th year. Curious to learn more I emailed Darlene and requested an interview. Today is the final post in the series.

What do you know now that you did not know when you were 18?

I learned that you can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable. You have to move out of your comfort zone. The more you do this, the easier it gets.

Remember, even confident people feel awkward and uncomfortable at times but they are willing to step out of their comfort zone because that is where accomplishments and personal growth occur.

It is true, I never thought of myself as a strong confident woman. Ah!

A woman. That is weird. Strong and confident? Not me.

I guess I was wrong. Weirder eh? I was working as an Office Manager, I do not remember how the conversation came about but I was told by one of the office staff, that I was a strong and confident woman. I was shocked.

I had to email my mentor. I told her this shocking news. Her reply was that I had come a long way since we worked together and that this woman was looking at me as I had looked at her several years ago. Does that make sense?

I didn’t feel strong and confident but that was how I appeared to those around me. Amazing isn’t it. So now when I am feeling a little lacking, I remember those words: “you are a strong and confident woman.” Damn straight!

Are there any books that have influenced you or that you find yourself always recommending to others?

I was extremely shy when I was younger. I am still shy but for the most part it does not get in the way. My supervisor at the time, sent me to a Dale Carnegie course. Subsequently, I was given the book. I still have that book and I do recommend it. The book is called How To Win Friends and Influence People. Don’t let the title fool you, it has a lot of great tips – not so much on how to be a strong person – but more about being a strong communicator.

I also like Rhonda Byrne’s book The Magic. There are 28 days of 28 practices of gratitude. I started my blog by going through these exercises. It changes your perception of events and people. A happy person is a strong person.

Do you have any other tips or suggestions that may help me in my strength challenge? Or is there anything else you'd like to add that I haven't thought to ask about?

I was watching the movie The Help and there is a line that I will always remember. I now say this with my granddaughter before she goes to bed. “I am smart. I am kind. I am important.”

Savvy. You are smart. You are kind. You are important.

 

Thank you, Darlene Nemeth for an enjoyable and informative interview. In addition to Darlene's website http://darlenebnemeth.blogspot.ca/, you can find Darlene's pins on Pinterest and items for resale at LittleShopTreasures on Etsy.

 

Do you want to read more?
Here are the four other posts in this series covering my strength interview with Darlene Nemeth:

Strength Challenge Interview #1 - an Introduction
What Makes You Feel Strong? Strength Challenge Interview #2
Tips for Dealing with a Bully at Work - Strength Challenge Interview #3
How to Maintain a High Energy Level at Work - Strength Lesson #4