Let’s Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell

Motivation for reading:

A few months ago Jessica Smock co-editor of The HerStories Project: Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendshipand My Other Ex: Women's True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends recommended Gail Caldwell’s book Let's Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendshipin response to my query for a list of her favorite nonfiction books covering friendship.*

What is Let's Take the Long Way Homeabout?

In my post Recovering From the Loss of a Friendship I wrote about reading the book My Other Exwhich was about friendship breakups. This book is also about friendship loss but from losing a friend through the worst possible scenarios – death. Here is the first sentence in the book:

It's an old, old story: I had a friend and we shared everything, and then she died and so we shared that, too.

Synopsis from Amazon: 
They met over their dogs. Gail Caldwell and Caroline Knapp (author of Drinking: A Love Story) became best friends, talking about everything from their love of books and their shared history of a struggle with alcohol to their relationships with men. Walking the woods of New England and rowing on the Charles River, these two private, self-reliant women created an attachment more profound than either of them could ever have foreseen. Then, several years into this remarkable connection, Knapp was diagnosed with cancer.

My thoughts:
I read this book while on a much needed vacation. As I sat outside my rented cabin, I held this book in one hand while keeping my journal nearby. While reading, I took frequent breaks to write and reflect in my journal on my life, my experiences with my own friends and on grief. Here are some of the passages that led to greater contemplation:

I also had my first sense of something central about Caroline that would become a pillar of our friendship. When she was confronted with any emotional difficulty, however slight or major, her response was to approach rather than to flee. There she would stay until the matter was resolved, and the emotional aftermath was free of any hangover or recrimination. My instincts toward resolution were similar: I knew that silence and distance were far more pernicious than head-on engagement. This compatibility helped ensure that there was no unclaimed baggage between us in the years to come. (Pg. 28)

As an ISFJ, I am incredibly conflict adverse, so in most conflict situations with friends, family and co-workers I tend to flee or shut down rather than to approach. In the few situations I have approached I was always rewarded with greater understanding and a better relationship in the long-run.

It's taken years for me to understand that dying doesn't end the story; it transforms it. Edits, rewrites, the blur, and epiphany of one-way dialogue. Most of us wander in and out of one another's lives until not death, but distance, does us part-- time and space and heart's weariness are the blander executioners or human connection. (Pg. 123)

Suffering is what changes the endgame, changes death’s mantle from black to white. It is a badly lit corridor outside of time, a place of crushing weariness, the only thing large enough to bully you into holding the door for death. (Pg. 143)

Then I realized something else they don’t tell you in the instruction books for mourning: that we only fret about the living. I might well grieve Caroline for all my days, but I wasn’t worried about her anymore. (Pg. 174)

The real trick is to let life, with all its ordinary missteps and regrets be consistently more mysterious and alluring than its end. (Pg. 180)

Bottom line:
This book fed my soul more than any book I’ve read this year, so I was surprised to learn other reviewers on goodreads did not care for it. They felt Caldwell spent too much time writing about her own life, her own alcoholism and her dog and not enough about her friendship with Caroline. Perhaps it is because I can relate to both Carolyn and Gail; I am also an introvert, married late, have a former roommate who is an alcoholic and became a dog owner later in life that I loved this book just the way it is. Or perhaps this book came along at a time when I needed to do some soul searching of my own. All and all I enjoyed it and hope to read more of Caldwell’s books.

*Other friendship books recommended by Jessica Smock:

She Matters: A Life in Friendshipsby Susanna Sonnenburg

The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling the Dark Legacy of Female Friendshipsby Kelly Valen

Friendshipby Emily Gould. This one is fiction, but is about workplace interactions and friendship, as well as career choices and writing. (Hmm... I might make this one a future book club selection)


Have you read Let’s Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell? If so what were your thoughts? Do you have a favorite book about friendship?

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Recovering From the Loss of a Friendship

When Jessica Smock initially wrote to me about her upcoming book My Other Ex: Women's True Stories of Losing and Leaving FriendsI was apprehensive. In my 52 years I’ve come to terms with most things that have happened in my life; an abusive upbringing, the breakup of a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, joblessness, money problems, loss of family members and never having children of my own. The one thing I’ve never quite gotten my arms around was being dumped by my best friend from second grade and her subsequent bullying.

We had been inseparable. Shortly after she moved to our area we began sharing a seat on our school bus. We decided together to grow our hair long and to wear maxi-dresses. We had sleepovers, danced to the top 40, went for long bike rides and learned to swim in her pond. She was the one who informed me of the birds and the bees on one of our sleepovers while handing me my first cigarette (which I didn't smoke). Then one day during junior high everything changed. She had recently become a cheerleader and for some odd reason decided she no longer wanted to be my friend. She stopped sitting with me on the bus and no longer talked to me at school. By the end of the week she had convinced our other two friends not to talk to me either. She then started bullying me; making faces at me, calling me names, criticizing my appearance, my family and my every move. Others on the bus joined in her taunting. I retreated to my books and studies. It was during this period I vowed to leave our area and to someday make something of myself.

I would go on to make other friends. My college years were filled with friendships. So were my early twenties where my job at the brokerage firm introduced me to several females who would become my friends. Back when I was 12 and recently dumped I had thought if I ever made another friend (life can seem so limited when you are 12) I would be the world’s best friend. Unfortunately, that was not always the case. My poor communication skills and aversion to conflict caused me to hurt and lose a couple of friends in college. Then life, relocations, marriages, divorces, children, job changes and my return to college in my 30’s all got in the way. I am now sad to say I am no longer in contact with most of my friends from those earlier years. I would like to think if Facebook had been around when I was younger that wouldn’t be the case, but I am not so sure.

The book My Other Ex: Women's True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends edited by Jessica Smock and Stephanie Sprenger is a compilation of 35 personal stories of friendships gone astray. Reading these breakup stories has been therapeutic. I still may not understand why my friend turned into a bully, but I no longer feel so alone or that this experience has to be a big dark secret. As I read the stories, I was also reminded of other friends I haven’t thought of in years and can now see in hindsight why they were destined to fail – I had a tendency to make friends with the cool girl. Eventually I would witness a cruel side to this person and immediately move on without letting them know why. Reading this book helped me realize I was most likely reliving my bully friendship over and over then running before I got hurt again. This is also why I am so obsessed with the manager who personally attacked me.  

Today my friends are mostly really good acquaintances. The walls I’ve built up are pretty thick and with my busy work schedule making time for friends is usually not high on my priority list. I squeeze them in between hair appointments, workouts, commission deadlines and the end of the month. My current best friend, also an accountant and CPA, was the daughter of Texas shrimpers. Both her parents died of lung cancer at an early age. Neither of us talk much about our past and both of us give each other plenty of breathing room, we seem to understand where each other is coming from without having to discuss it.

As to my best friend from second grade, I looked her up on Facebook a few years back. She stayed in my hometown, married the year we graduated, had three children and now has grandkids. I clicked on her oldest daughter’s Facebook profile. Under favorite books she had written, “None I hate reading.” I wasn't quite sure what to do with that little tidbit except realize if I had remained friends with her mother my life would probably be very different than it is today. 

I recommend My Other Ex: Women's True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends to anyone who has experienced a friendship breakup.

Do you have a friendship breakup story?

This post was inspired by My Other Ex: Women's True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends. I received a free copy of the book for review purposes.

Please Note, I am an Amazon Affiliate

Terminated for Facebook Post

I recently read a blog post where a fellow blogger had been asked to resign from her job. Her offense - posting on her personal Facebook account that she wanted to make a career change.  One of her co-workers printed out the update and conveniently shared it with the blogger’s manager. This blogger who had been with her company for eight years was immediately forced into resigning and escorted out of the building.

Here are a few lessons from this story:

Work friends are not real friends
Do not share your inner most thoughts with your co-workers. They may not be good at keeping secrets or worse yet may use this information against you or to better their own career. 

Do not friend your co-workers on Facebook:
This includes clients, vendors and business associates.  Business and work-related contacts belong on LinkedIn, not Facebook.

You never know who will stumble across your posts:
Clients, vendors, neighbors, or your husband's ex-wife – you just never know. Your inner-most thoughts belong in your personal journal not on Facebook. I know of someone not hired for her dream job because her Facebook postings were not in line with the company’s mission.  Even charity work can be held against you if it is for the wrong political party, religious affiliation or agency.

Be careful what you write in an email:
Emails can be forwarded and archived. They can also be submitted as evidence in court cases.

In most states, employment is at will:
That means your employer can fire you at their discretion for any reason, even if there is no reason.

If at all possible do not sign anything:
If you sign a letter of resignation you may have difficulty collecting unemployment benefits.

Owners of small and family owned companies may take your displeasure with working at their company personal:
I know of more than one employee who was terminated after their boss learned they were looking for another job. I even know of one who was terminated when her manager overheard her telling a vendor her life (meaning her job) was a hellish nightmare. Keep your job-dissatisfaction to yourself until after you've secured a new position.  Even then never burn a bridge.  You never know where your boss or former co-workers may end up.

Always apply for unemployment:
Hating your job is not considered misconduct by most state’s unemployment panels. If you can prove you were coerced into resigning, you may be eligible to receive unemployment benefits.  Submit a claim to your state's employment security department. After receiving separation information from both you and your employer they will make a determination.  If gross conduct can't be proven typically benefits are granted.

Do you have any lessons to add? Do you know of anyone who was not hired or terminated because of Facebook?  

What To Do When Your Daughter is Dating a Loser

My friend Jess’s nineteen year-old daughter has been dating this boy for two years. Jess and her husband have never been fond of this boy who they describe as lazy and a loser. They were hoping their smart, beautiful daughter would find a new boyfriend when she was away at college last year, but that didn’t happen. She is now home for the summer and spends all her free time with her boyfriend. This is causing problems at home. When Jess would not allow her daughter to attend an out-of-state family reunion with her boyfriend after their own family vacation was cancelled Jess’s daughter spent the entire weekend sulking in her room. Jess and her husband plan on sitting their daughter down and demanding she break-up with him. They plan on telling her she is too good for him, she’s wasting her time and he’s a loser. Her question for me was when should this conversation take place. Now, before the 4^th of July holiday or to wait until right before her daughter returns to school. Her concern is if she has this conversation now it will ruin her family’s summer because her daughter will be impossible to live with, but if she waits she will have to continue watching her daughter be smitten with this boy for the rest of the summer.

My recommendation:

Don’t have this conversation at all. Your daughter is not going to listen to you. You mentioned your daughter’s high school friends held an intervention with her. They told your daughter they didn’t like her boyfriend and suggested she break-up with him. What did your daughter do? She stopped being friends with these girls. She is going to do the same thing with you. She will stop confiding in you and start sneaking around behind your back. She is nineteen, an adult. She could even do something crazy like move out, quit school or get married. She has a promise ring.

I think you should invite your daughter’s boyfriend into your home from time to time. Try to understand what your daughter sees in him. You didn’t mention if he was abusive in any way or controlling. Just that she is too young, this is the first boy she’s dated and that she spends too much time with him. I would play that angle. Encourage her to make new girl friends especially at school, to try everything, even things her boyfriend doesn’t like to do. One of my biggest regrets is not discovering who I was and trying new things when I was younger. She needs to tire or grow out of her boyfriend on her own.

Our other friend suggested Jess make sure her daughter does not get pregnant. Jess said her daughter is on the pill, for cramps though. She is sure her daughter is not having sex.

I came home and told my husband about Jess’s dilemma. Once again he disagrees with me. If this were his daughter, he would sit her down and tell her she is too young to date just one boy. End of story.

Have you ever not approved of someone your child was dating? What did you do? Or from the other angle - Did your parents ever disapprove of someone you were dating? Did they talk to you about it? What did you do?

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Know Your Limits and Learn to Say No
Drinking Buddies are Not Real Friends
Will I Be Pretty



 

How to find a support group?

At a recent committee meeting with my professional organization one of my fellow volunteers announced she is quitting our group. I was anticipating the usual complaints, “I am too busy with work” or “I need to spend more time with my kids.”  Instead she informed us, “My marriage is over and I need to focus my time and energy on rebuilding my life.”     

Between discussions of committee business this woman (I will call her Jane) interjected with stories of her marital problems and fears of starting over. She mentioned a couple of times she didn’t have any friends.  She closed the meeting with, “What should I do next?” 

Our group responded with silence.

Jane then said, “I received the name of a lawyer from a counselor I’ve been visiting with my kids. I guess I could give this lawyer a call.”

No longer able to stand the silence, I decided Jane needed to hear my story.  I had been in a long-term unhealthy relationship through most of my twenties.  A couple of months before I was to be married this relationship took a turn for the worst and we began attending couples counseling.  My ex-fiancé failed to show up for one of our sessions and the counselor used this as an opportunity to give me some eye-opening advice.  He didn’t understand why I wanted to stay in this relationship.  The way he saw it my ex was using one hand to praise me by patting me on the back and the other to slap my across my face. He foresaw me being nine months pregnant and my fiancé abandoning me.  He told me of another counselor who facilitated a support group for women.  He was going to call this counselor and recommend I join her group.

I joined the support group. My fiancé and I broke up and I went on to create a new life for myself.  Jane listened intently as I told her how this period in my life was scary, but also full of new possibilities and experiences.  There were tears, but also moments of joy.

In addition to the structured support group I attended each week, I also created an informal support group on my own. A former college roommate had moved back to my area and had befriended a neighbor who was separated from her husband. The three of us began attending a weekly happy-hour.  The neighbor invited a co-worker to join us and the four of us became friends.   In addition to happy hours, we attended classes on self-esteem, took cooking classes, visited the Chicago Art Museum, saw a play and went to movies.  We also took biking trips and I learned to cross-country ski.  We were all the same age and towards the end of our 30^th year we traveled to California to visit our friend (the neighbor) who had moved there to reconcile with her husband. 

How did these support groups help me transition to the uncoupled life?

The first structured support group gave me the strength to end my relationship and begin the process of building a new life.  I was assigned weekly tasks such as asking my ex to return my apartment key and finding a new roommate.  I had to report back the results of my assignments the following week.

In Becky Aikman’s book Saturday Night Widows: The Adventures of Six Friends Remaking Their Lives she writes:

What truly helps those who have been uncoupled: friendship, fun, humor the flexibility to strike out anew.

My second informal support group provided just that. So what should Jane do?

Near the end of Saturday Night Widows Becky Aikman tells her support group: 

“I think when anybody is reinventing herself, she’s got a choice.  She can stay detached and look inside herself for answers.  We’ve all heard that advice - finding yourself.”  I shook my head and threw them a dubious look.  “Knowing you has shown me that, at least for me, finding myself wasn’t a solitary task.  The way for me to move forward was to get out there on Saturday night, to engage with other people, to engage with the world, to engage with you.  Funny as it may sound, I’ve found myself by going outside myself.  I’ve found myself through action, though action with you.” (Pg. 329)

I wasn’t going to tell Jane she should call the lawyer. I didn’t feel it was my place to recommend she leave her husband, but I was going to help her find a support group.  A few weeks ago, in the comments on Miss Robin’s post What are my options when my husband is mean? I read about a support group for those who are dealing with, or think they may be dealing with, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial abuse called Our Place found at http://www.our-place-online.net. I gave this information to Jane. 

One of our other members recommended Jane not quit our organization.  I quickly agreed, reminding her several of our organization’s members were single.  Many of them would welcome Jane as a friend.  I also told her of the occasional get-together I have with one of our other members and her divorced co-worker.  I plan on inviting Jane to our next outing and foresee the beginnings of an informal support group in Jane’s future.

Do you have any advice for Jane?   

This post was inspired by the book Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman. After being kicked out of her widow support group for being too young, Becky creates her own support group with an unusual twist. Join From Left to Write on February 14 as we discuss Saturday Night Widows. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Taking personal responsibility for your life
Love for Grown-Ups
How to Avoid Being Conned on a Dating Site
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Things New Grads Should (But Never Do) Think About Come First-Time Employment

The newly graduated 20-somethings in the world today face a lot of struggles in the personal and professional realms. Of course, college grads have a long history of struggling with the transition from college dorm rooms and heated academic lectures to office politics and frenzied company meetings. While our college careers certainly prepare us for some aspects of adult life and self-preservation, there are some areas of becoming a true adult that college, term papers, and frat parties just can't teach us. With the added challenges facing college grads in today's society, most 20-somethings are simply thrilled to be employed at all. But, even after all the resume sending, cover letter writing, and eventual employment, there are still many aspects of becoming employed for the first time that newbie graduates need to consider. These three things are employment musts that many first-time employees overlook and underestimate.

The Retirement Plan

I know, I know. How can you possibly start to think about retirement, if you only just found a job after months of searching? Trust me—I shared your sentiments as well. But, as far away and dull as it sounds, retirement plans are a very important aspect of becoming a responsible, employed adult. Look into your company's retirement offerings. You want to begin thinking about the future right away. By starting to think about and plan out your retirement now, you can set yourself up for a very comfortable future. At the very least, when you start your first "real world" job out of college, look into the retirement options you have. What types of plans does your company offer? What options might make the most sense for your situation? By simply becoming better educated on the topics of retirement and IRA accounts, you can more responsibly plan for your future and manage your finances.

Actual Financial Planning
While retirement falls in place with financial planning, there is much more to the topic than just thinking about starting a retirement plan. For many newly employed college grads, "saving" is not necessarily at the top of our to-do list. This is the first time that you're making "real" money for yourself and have only yourself (and your college loans) to spend it on. With this freedom comes a lot of reckless or at least thoughtless spending. You want to celebrate the fact that you've actually graduated from college, landed a job, and survived. Spending is easy to do and it seems logical in the first few months. However (and this is a big however), it's a very wise idea to look into your financial situation very carefully after you get your first paycheck. Sit down and look through things. See exactly how much money you earn, learn where that money is going (loans, rent, groceries, gas, etc.), and try to create a financial plan. Divvy up your finances and try to make a plan as to where things will go. How much will you spend on necessities (rent, gas, food), how much goes to "fun", and how much will you put towards savings?

Professional* Networking

One of the most challenging aspects of entering the professional world is learning how to navigate the social world of an office. This is by far one of the things I struggled with most in the first few months of my first "real" job. The bottom line is that communication and friendships just can't be the same when you're in a professional office atmosphere. Though you may be surrounded by people your age day in and day out (much like college), you can't treat these colleagues the same way you would college dorm mates. Of course, you're going to make friends and build relationships with your coworkers after a period of time. It's good to be friends with your coworkers, but you want to be careful with your interactions. The professional world is different from any other realm. You need to keep things professional. Watch the way you talk about certain aspects of your work like. Try to compartmentalize to some degree. If you become close friends with a coworker, remain solely coworkers in the office and solely friends inside the office.

An education blogger by trade, Maria Rainer loves to explore the connections between the web and a college education. She writes for www.onlinedegrees.org on online student advice columns and substantive posts on the latest trends in online education. Please share your comments with Maria.

Weekend Wisdom

This weekend I've decided to participate in Hot Coco's Weekend Wisdom Blog Hop. Participants are to answer one of three questions.  I am choosing:

What did you learn this week that made a difference in your life, and could make a difference in someone else's?

I have to admit I’ve been a having a difficult time lately. I wake up at odd hours like 4:00 a.m. and am unable to fall back to sleep. I'm irritable. I wrote about losing my cool here. Then this week I got uncharacteristically upset when management announced a new training program based on the book Who Moved My Cheese? Unable to control my emotion, I expressed what a colossal waste of time and money this would be. Even my boss who usually backs me up couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let this one go. I find myself unable to control how my brain works. On Friday, I had two difficult meetings along with an important project due. By the end of the day I was asking questions that didn’t make sense, began addressing co-workers by the wrong names and even told a salesman a co-worker was absent when she was clearly sitting at her desk.*

When my husband (who can tell my mood by looking into my eyes) asked what is wrong and that I seem so edgy lately, I realized I've had enough. Similar to the smoker who wakes up one morning and realizes they’ve had enough and its time to quit, I realized I no longer want to be like this. I am tired of being angry all the time. I let little annoyances fester into obsessions; the girl at the gym who never stops talking and invades my space, the manager who discounts all ideas that are not his or the one who boasts about how smart he is. Plus, I'm not feeling up to all the cooking and cleaning that comes with hosting Thanksgiving.

I told a friend my New Year’s resolution was going to be working on not getting so upset over trivial things. In 2012 I turn 50. I don’t want to be this angry middle-aged woman. Surprisingly she answered with:

That is so weird. I just told another friend that my New Year’s resolution is to relax and not get worked up about things that don’t really matter. Mellow out and take things slower. Stop killing myself for my ungrateful kids and start doing more for myself. I want more out of life. We were talking about all the ailments we have as we get older and I told her what your doctor told you that time “embrace the new you”. I still think that is sadly hilarious and true.**

Then it hit me, I along with my friends are experiencing the symptoms of menopause. During this crazy time, when I can’t control what is going on with my body I am going to need the support of friends or possibly a good therapist more than ever. I have always taken great pride in my ability to control my emotions and was able to work uninterrupted for many hours. A healthy diet and exercise program is not going to be enough. Perhaps recognizing that I have a problem and committing to change will make a difference.

* The appearance of fine lines on my face along with my perpetually chapped lips is not helping my mood.

**This was my doctor’s response when I asked her what I could do about my belly fat.

If you would like to learn more about my thoughts on business books see my post Can reading a book transform you or your business from good to great?

Drinking buddies are not real friends; a lesson for my teenage self.

My husband was a member of a sports league for many years. In the beginning, the members of this league organized a golf outing each summer and attended a holiday party together at a bar. This holiday party evolved into a wine tasting with each interested party bringing a bottle of wine. Eventually the bar’s owners banned wine carry-ins and the wine-tasting moved to individual homes. In the beginning there were lots of laughs and both my husband and I enjoyed learning about wine. Before long we were attending or hosting a party numerous times throughout the year.

After the last party held at our home, we decided we’d had enough. These parties weren’t wine tastings, they were drunken bashes. Couples would bring a minimum of four bottles of wine. This was in addition to the wine we had purchased for the party. They didn’t sip and discuss wine throughout the evening, they slammed it. One guest became so drunk he fell in our bathroom ripping down our shower curtain. And the conversation was always the same. They would discuss previous parties, how much wine everyone had drunk and who had made the biggest fool of themselves. Then they’d hug everyone and say what good friends we all were. We had to tell them to keep it down; their language was not appropriate for our neighbor’s children. We worried about them driving. Even the designated drivers drank.

When the next party invitation arrived we declined, saying we were too busy. We didn’t host our annual party last summer. They didn’t take it well and without our participation the wine tasting group disbanded.

One of these former partygoers invited us to his birthday bash this past weekend. After much consternation, we decided to go. It was the right thing to do. We didn’t dislike these people we just didn’t want to be subjected to their drunken banter on a regular basis.

We did not have a good week. My husband totaled his truck coming home from work Wednesday night. Not liking the way the car in front of him was driving, he changed lanes hitting a patch of black ice. His truck spun out of control, hit a tree and flipped onto its side. He was lucky. He walked away without a scratch and is thankful he didn’t hit anyone else. Kerry, a kind stranger, pulled up behind him, called the sheriff and stayed with him ‘til a tow truck arrived. She even offered him a ride home. Then to add drama to our day, we realized our furnace wasn’t working and had to call a repairperson. $500 and three hours later we had heat.

The rest of the week was stressful; calls to the insurance company, revisiting the crash site to look for the license plate (our insurance company felt it was important we find it), cleaning out the truck at the tow center, shopping for a new vehicle and arranging transportation to our places of work with only one car took a toll on our emotions.

We considered not going to the party, but my husband thought it would be good for us to get out of the house. The first thing the party’s host said upon our arrival was, “It is about time you got here. We were taking bets as to whether or not you’d show up.” I told him about the accident. He acted as if I was blowing it out of proportion. He said he had been in two car accidents and that you just collect your insurance money and move on with life. We didn’t talk to him again all evening. One of our former wine tasting friends asked when we were going to have another summer party. It was on the tip of my tongue to say “never” you guys drink too much. Another asked us to check our schedule; he wants to host a party in a couple of months. I enjoyed catching up with some of our former friends, but as we were leaving, I couldn’t help noticing how drunk some of them were.

My husband is glad we went. He says he now knows for sure he is making the right decision; it is a waste of our time to socialize with these people. It is too late to change the rules. They won’t understand if we say we want to be friends, but in a non-drinking capacity. It is interesting to note my husband received more compassion about his accident from Kerry a total stranger and co-workers who barely know his name than from someone he has known for twenty years.

So here is another lesson for my “Letter to my 18 year-old self:” friends who are friends only if you keep them company on a bar stool are not real friends. They are drinking buddies (and most likely alcoholics).