Verbal Judo Communication

Anonymous asked the following question in the comments section of my blog post "A Personal Attack at Work":

I need feedback on being coached and counseled on someone's perception of me being rude by giving short responses to her questions. I was totally taken aback. Her questions were answered appropriately and honestly; I didn't know any other way to respond and I conveyed this to her. I've worked on this job for 5 years and have never had a manager speak to my character as this manager did today. I was so upset that I wanted to cry but I stated that I needed to seek advice on how to respond to third party false accusations. I don't know what to do; I feel that this is a personal attack against my character. How can I defend myself against someone's perceptions? Please advice.

To answer your question, I turned to George Thompson's book Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion for a better understanding of what went wrong and how to assist you with future verbal encounters. First, it is important to note you are not alone; most people do not communicate skillfully under pressure, yet our entire careers depend on it.

What makes communication so difficult?
According to Thompson, when 2 people are talking there are actually 6 different identities involved - each person’s real self, each person as he is seen by himself and finally each person as seen by the other doubled.

So, what went wrong in your encounter?
I found some interesting statistics in the book’s elements of communication section –
The truth (which would be the honest answers you gave your manager) carries a weight of only 7 to 10 % of the total impact of a message. The message, which you see as the most important part of the process, is the least considered factor.

Voice carries a weight of 33 to 40%

Other non-verbals (body language) make up 50 to 60% of your impact.

Your voice’s tone conveys your real attitude towards people. If there is any conflict between your role and your voice people will always believe your voice.

What is needed for more effective communication?
Thompson feels empathy is the key to effective communication. Empathy absorbs tension. He says it works every time. Empathy is the quality of standing in another’s shoes and understanding where he is coming from. That’s right; you need to try to understand what your manager is thinking. Focus on her and her predicament. You may see the situation as you haven’t seen it before.

Empathizing doesn’t mean you have to agree; just try to understand where that person is coming from. Too many people confuse empathy with sympathy. You don’t have to sympathize with or approve of another’s actions or words. Just empathize and see how powerful it makes you. Don’t do it to be nice; do it because it’s the only way to hit upon a proper appeal.

I must point out, the more I read, the more I became convinced your manager may be the one who needs a lesson in Verbal Judo. Take this quote:

“When dealing with somebody in a business situation, you may be thinking I’m, handling this well. I’m firm, fair and professional, but if the other person sees you as pushy and aggressive, as ineffective, biased and intemperate, where does the truth lie? Unfortunately, it lies with how you’re seen and not with how you see yourself – even if you are right.”

Since unfortunately, we can’t send our managers to communication training, I came up with these suggestions to help you work through this situation:

Role-play:
Have a trusted friend, mentor or co-worker practice role-playing with you. Start by reversing roles. Try to think like your manager; define the problem from her point of view first, then practice your response. Try to keep a concerned and caring face while practicing and pay attention to your voice’s tone, pace, pitch and modulation.

For professional assistance contact your local Toastmasters Organization:
Ask if they can recommend a career or communication coach. Also, attend one of their meetings. The mission of the Toastmasters Club is to provide a mutually supportive and positive learning environment in which every member has the opportunity to develop communication and leadership skills, which in turn foster self-confidence and personal growth.

Write it down:
Putting it on paper helps me organize my thoughts. Your communication’s delivery may carry more weight, but content is also important. You do have to know what you are talking about. Decide precisely what it is you want and need to communicate then shape your thoughts by writing them down.

Request the assistance of a mediator:
Mediators can help both parties see the situation from a different angle. Do you have an HR department; if so, ask them to help you communicate with this manager. You didn’t specify if this particular manager is your manager, if not, is there another manager you report to? Ask them to intervene or assist on your behalf.

Enroll in a communication class
See what communication classes are available at your community college or local university. Prior to reading Verbal Judo, I would have recommended an assertiveness class, but Thompson feels assertiveness training is the wrong approach; in his opinion most assertiveness training teaches you to be aggressive.

Read Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion.
Thompson offers many helpful communication techniques to help take control of a situation while maintaining a non-confrontational atmosphere. I particularly like his paraphrasing technique (putting another person’s words into your words and delivering them back to him). He includes so much information in this book it is hard to absorb it all in one sitting; I plan on revisiting the book for further study.

Talk to other trusted managers and co-workers
Your confidence needs a boast; you have been with this company for five years and have never been in a situation like this before. Surely, there are others who have positive things to say about your performance and communication skills. Ask them for feedback on your strengths. Then concentrate on these strengths rather than your manager's hurtful words.

My own “personal attack episode” occurred last January and I can honestly say it took me months before I was completely over it. Only a couple of weeks ago, I realized I’ve stopped hating this manager. I ended up discussing my episode with a manager in a different department who gave me positive feedback on my own management skills; he pointed out positive aspects of my management skills that had never occurred to me. He also complained to our President about this manager on my behalf. Whether the President ever followed up with this manager or not I will never know; the manager does continue to cause problems in our department and throughout the company on a weekly basis. I have learned to be more empathetic towards this manager, but am still careful in my dealings with her and watch for signs she is having a bad day.

Does anyone else have advice for anonymous, if so please chime in?

A follow-up to: "How to break out of a slump"

Last week, I wrote about my recent slump and discussed how to break out of one. Throughout the week, I came across a couple of inspirational posts which provided further thought and introspection:

Trent at The Simple Dollar posted a question from Mark who wonders, "Is this all there is?" Mark is a 37 year old CPA in the midst of a mini mid-life crisis. Over the years he has had various goals, such as graduate college, earn his CPA license, get a great job etc. Most of them were achievable within just a few short years. His next goal is to become debt free and he’s come to the realization that it will take some time for that to happen. Beyond that, the only real goal he has for himself is retirement and that is pretty far down the road. He asks Trent "Is this all there is?"

Trent responds with:
If all of the things we’re looking forward to in life are shrouded in the far-off future, we’re left with little to look forward to in the short term. This, unsurprisingly, leads to unhappiness. We feel aimless. We wonder if this is all there is in life. And sometimes we can become depressed. (This pretty much sums up what I've been going through)

The solution, I’ve found, is to keep busy in the short term, both with short term things and with smaller projects that fit in as part of the bigger goals I have in life.

He offers these suggestions:
Develop – and accomplish – month-long projects.
Seek out smaller projects (one to three months) that fit in the context of your larger goals.
Find a personal passion or hobby to channel yourself into.

Here are some additional awesome suggestions I found in the post's comments:

Every morning, take time to review the day and see what you have to look forward to. Try to schedule something every day.

New goals are the answer.

So, this is an occasion to revisit your values and convictions first, and then move forward with your goals armed with a sense of who you are.

I think Matthew needs to define what his life is all about. I recommend writing his obituary as it would read today if he passed. Then write it again. Only the second time, write the one that he would want written. He may find something that he can focus his life on or some goals that haven’t been fulfilled.

This has nothing to do with having a far off goal. It means his goals are not satisfying his internal needs. Even if he retires wealthy, he will still have this same emptiness unless he is focused on something that drives him – his true passion.

I also think you missed the real need of the writer, Trent. He doesn’t need to break down his empty, existentially unsatisfying goals into even smaller ones. He needs a goal broad and deep enough to satisfy him. He’s not going to find it in personal finance.

So what did I learn from all of this?
I spent time thinking about my own goals, values and convictions. I liked the recommendation to write your own obituary the way you would like it to be written. My first thought was I'd like to be remembered for helping others.  I am reminded of one of my favorite blog posts of all time, Tom McMahon wrote, "Everybody wants to help Save The Earth, but nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes." I know I don't have to accomplish huge undertakings like winning the Nobel Peace Prize, but I would like my endeavors to be more helpful than encouraging my company's vendors to fill our orders despite our inability to pay for them on a timely basis.

I may not be a successful CFO or work for a major Fortune 500 company, but I am helping one little company survive this economic downturn. And I do help people every day; just by being approachable I help many of my co-workers by answering their questions, offering advice or just listening to their problems and ideas.

I have a dream of some day working for a not for profit, teaching financial literacy or possibly assisting women entrepreneurs manage their company's finances. I've never pursued these goals, thinking I don't have enough time; I need more experience or maybe even more education. What I can do to incorporate these goals into my life on a weekly or monthly basis? I could write posts pertaining to these topics each week on my blog, volunteer at agencies providing these services; attend community events, lectures and classes all with my long term goals in mind. As far as helping others, if I really look I am sure I could find numerous opportunities to help others in some small way every day.

How to pull yourself out of a slump

Several years ago, I fell into a slump immediately upon receiving the results of my CPA exam; I had passed only one section, meaning I had to take the entire exam over again. Fortunately soon afterwards, I came across an Ask E. Jean advice column in Elle Magazine that went something like this:

Dear E. Jean,
I am miserable. I don’t have a boyfriend. The apartment I live in is a dump; I have a lousy job and rarely go out. I spend all of my free time reading romance novels and dreaming of the life I will someday have. A life where my "night in shining armor" will swoop down and rescue me from my miserable life. He will be a romantic who enjoys eating dinner by candlelight and sending me flowers. Eventually we will marry and live happily ever after with our two kids in a house with a big yard and a white picket fence. What can I do to make this life happen?
Miserable

Dear Miserable,
Take a lesson from single men. How many of them sit home reading romance novels? Instead they, along with their single buddies, spend their free time participating in competitive sports. Get moving. Join a softball or volleyball league. And read difficult books. Men don’t read romance novels; they read difficult books. Read Jane Austen and Emily Bronte. Instead of pining for a man to buy you flowers buy yourself a plant and put it in your apartment window. Stop dreaming about life and start living it. Your dreams will follow.

Miserable’s circumstances may have been different than mine, but I still found E. Jean’s advice motivating. I had a couple of months before I needed to begin the daunting task of studying for the exam again, to break out of my slump I decided to just do something. I signed up for golf and tennis lessons; I read Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudiceand planted a container herb garden that I placed in my apartment window. It worked. When the time came to begin studying I felt refreshed and able to take on the task.

Now once again, I find myself in a slump, the economy has taken a toll on the company where I work; I received a pay cut. Home and auto repair have put a dent in my savings. Dreams of travel, plans of early retirement or pursuing a different line of work have all been placed on hold. Suddenly, finding a new job in a more stable industry has taken precedence over finding the right job and getting my ducks in a row. My not quite right resume continues to go out unnoticed. My favorite recruiter resigned. I used to complain about everything always being the same; now everything is the same only worse than the same. How do I pull myself out of this slump?

Here are a couple of inspirational blog posts I’ve found offering ideas on breaking out of a slump:

John at Pick the Brain wrote an informative post explaining why we lose motivation. He writes:

There are 3 primary reasons we lose motivation.
Lack of confidence – If you don’t believe you can succeed, what’s the point in trying?
Lack of focus – If you don’t know what you want, do you really want anything?
Lack of direction – If you don’t know what to do, how can you be motivated to do it?
(This pretty much sums up how I've been feeling)

When his motivation starts to wane he:
Regains direction by creating a plan that contains two positive actions. The first one should be a small task you’ve been meaning to do, while the second should be a long-term goal. I immediately do the smaller task. This creates positive momentum. After that I take the first step towards achieving the long-term goal. Doing this periodically is great for getting out of a slump, creating positive reinforcement, and getting long-term plans moving.

Gretchen Rubin author of the Happiness Project provides some quick ways to boost happiness in her interview with CBS:

Get enough sleep.
Go for a walk.
Make your bed each day. (This is a great suggestion when you need to just do something)

Morrison at the former blog All Doors Considered believes “The Great Recession” is over. Business at her small company has picked up and her DH's friends are back to work (at lower paying jobs of course, but at least they are working). She has decided to rebuild herself and offers these steps:

#1. Start on yourself. When you look good, you feel good about yourself and life improves.
#2. Put your house in order. When you live well, you feel well and you start to live better.
#3. Rebuild your finances. With banks paying 1.5%, The Feds paying 0% on most bonds and Wall Street still without new regulations, this is going to be most difficult.

Janie at How I got out of $26,000 debt before getting married offers a 100 day challenge. She realized as of September 23rd there are only 100 days left in 2009 and thought it would be amazing to see how much she could accomplish in the last 100 days of the year. Starting on September 23, 2009 she gives everyone a little financial knowledge building challenge to complete each day. A daily challenge for 100 days is guaranteed to offer a couple of inspirational ideas.

It is sometimes easier to see what others need to do than for me to see what I need to do myself. My friend Alyssa has been talking about going back to school forever, but has never enrolled in even one class. When I asked her why, she said she didn’t want to take a class until she knew exactly what area of study she was going to pursue. It is easy for me to see she needs to take a class (any class) and see what happens from there.

For myself, I was telling a peer in my professional organization about my company’s dismal outlook. She recommended I contact every member I talk to regularly; tell them I’ve begun a job search and ask them to keep there eyes open. There, perhaps I have step one.

The message I take from all of this is the first step in breaking out of a slump is to just do something. It may not be the right thing or the perfect thing, but you need to start somewhere.

How do you pull yourself out of a slump?

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Tips for getting motivated

Ten nonfiction books that help us understand the world

A few years ago, I read Anna Quindlen’s little book, How Reading Changed My Life. In the back of her book she includes a series of book lists one of which is titled, “Ten nonfiction books that help us understand the world.” Here is Quindlen’s list in its entirety:

1. The Decline & Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon

2. The Best & the Brightest by David Halberstam

3. Lenin’s Tomb by David Remnick

4. Lincoln by David Herbert Donald

5. Silent Spring by Rachel Carson

6. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

7. How we Die by Sherwin Nuland

8. The Unredeemed Captive by John Demos

9. The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir

10. The Power Broker by Robert Caro

Recently, I read Tom Bissell’s book, The Father of All Things: A Marine, His Son, and the Legacy of Vietnamfor Citizen Reader's Book Menage. While reading the book, I kept thinking this book belongs on my list of books that helped me understand the world. The book is actually a memoir about Bissell’s relationship with his father, a Vietnam veteran, but he includes a substantial amount of historical data that he blends in with his travelogue (he returns to Vietnam with his father 40 years after his father left) and family biography. He includes the politics and history surrounding the war, incorporates many of its debates; whether the war was winnable, what Ho Chi Minh’s real motivations were and why America’s leaders lied so often and even touches on how the war has continued to influence American views on foreign policy more than thirty years later.

I admit, I had read very little about the Vietnam War prior to reading this book and was too young to comprehend the war when I was growing up. This book has given me a better understanding of the Vietnam War, its aftermath and Vietnam itself.

To date I can think of only one other book I would add to my list:

Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies:
Jared Diamond explores why certain societies were able to develop and dominate over others. He argues it was more about environmental factors; being born in the right place at the right time than intelligence and ingenuity. This book gave me a greater understanding of human history and how the modern world came to be.

In Henry Alford's book "How to Live: A Search for Wisdom from Old People (While They Are Still on This Earth)," Charlotte one of Alford's interviewees has an epiphany moment when she read historian Chalmers Johnson’s The Sorrows of Empire: Militarism, Secrecy, and the End of the Republic. “Previously, I thought I was well-informed,” she said, “but I had no idea the extent to which the defense department runs the government." I'm sure this book is on her list of books that helped her understand the world.

I'm curious what books have helped you understand the world?

Discovering my strengths

I first heard of the Internet based StrengthsFinder Profile when Jane Pauley mentioned taking it in her book, "Skywriting: A Life Out of the Blue."

She wrote:
“I’d been reading books about management and organizations for a long time, recreationally. On our February trip to Boca Raton, my sister recommended Now, Discover Your Strengths, by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton, who argue that it’s far more productive to develop a strength than to strengthen a weakness. A provocative idea—assuming I had strengths. I was dubious.

I went online and, with the pass-code that came with the book, registered and answered the questions. Experts call it a “testing instrument”—it’s not apparent to a layperson like me how the questions produce accurate results. Instantly, I got mine and my first thought was that I didn’t recognize this person they said I was.”

I was intrigued that Jane was surprised by her results, perhaps her struggles with bipolar disorder contributed to this surprise, but then even Peter Drucker felt few people could articulate their areas of strength. When I noticed Now, Discover Your Strengths was listed as one of Jack Covert's "100 Best Business Books of All Time," I decided I had to buy this book and take this test.

You do need a NEW copy of the book. If you get a used copy, the key provided in the book will NOT enable you to take the online assessment.

I ended up purchasing Tom Rath's book Strengths Finder 2.0 instead of Now, Discover Your Strengths because it included a new upgraded edition of the StrengthsFinder assessment. It also came with a more customized version of the top 5 themes (strengths) report and 50 ideas for action (10 strategies for building on each of your top 5 themes). Both books are based on the same premise you are more productive developing your strengths than strengthening a weakness.

A strength is different from a skill. A talent or strength is something you're naturally good at, while a skill is something you learn over time by building skills and knowledge. Buckingham’s definition of a strength is something you’re pulled toward and want to do. When you’re doing it, you’re highly engaged. You’re curious about how you can do it better. When you’re finished, you feel energized and want to do it again. Once you shape your work and life in ways that use your natural talents, you will make yourself more effective, productive and happy.

What are my top 5 strengths?

Learner
You have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites you.

Input
You have a craving to know more. Often you like to collect and archive all kinds of information.

Context
You enjoy thinking about the past. You understand the present by researching its history.

Intellection
You are characterized by your intellectual activity. You are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

Individualization
You are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person and have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

Initially, I was not pleased with the results of my assessment. My first reaction was "I thought this assessment was going to teach me something I didn’t know." I was hoping my strengths would be a little more glamorous. The above so called talents were the same traits I’ve been trying to overcome since I was the geeky uncool nerd in high school. I shut my computer off in disgust.

Most upsetting was the talent "Input;" my collection of facts, quotes, and lists of books is a strength? I never considered myself a collector of things even if it is lists of books or favorite quotes. Also, I was surprised I wasn’t an "Analyzer" (I am an accountant) instead I am this context individualizer. I always hated this part of myself. I tend to think it makes me seem obsessed; like I just can’t let things go.

The aftermath:
Acceptance ~ I took the assessment in May. Over the past couple of months, I thought and read more about my 5 strengths and gradually began to accept them as who I really am. If I strip away all the layers of what I think I am supposed to be along with what I aspire to be my 5 themes really are the talents that I am really drawn to.

It turns out INPUT is a great strength to have if you are a writer, artist, or another type of creative. INPUT can keep you fresh. It might be a great strength for a “Blogger.”

Also, this isn’t the first time I've seen "Learner" listed as my top strength. Back in 2002, I took the free VIA online survey which gives an immediate report of character strengths in top-down order with a brief description of each strength.

My top 3 strengths from the VIA survey were:
Love of learning
Industry, diligence, and perseverance
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness

I retook this survey last week. The results for my top three strengths were identical to the 2002 results.

I wonder if #3 is another way of describing "Individualization?"

My weaknesses:
I have to admit I do spend a lot of time trying to develop my weaknesses. No matter how hard I try I will never naturally be a "Commander." A commander is someone who has presence, takes control of a situation and makes decisions. This explains why I sometimes struggle in my role as Accounting Manager and why I found being the President of my professional association a difficult task. I had to push myself to lead the group and make the difficult decisions. The reality is that in any area where we’re truly weak you can climb from pathetic up to really bad, but no matter how much you work at it, you don’t really improve.

A new career or answering the question of are you in the right career is not the assessment’s intended purpose. It is designed to be used as a performance enhancer:
I can use my results to better enhance my career; when seeking out a new position I am going to look for more of a supervisor role that focuses on teaching and individualization rather than a senior level "Commander" management role. Or perhaps I'll forego management altogether and become an expert in one particular accounting area.

I am most successful when I partner with people who have complementary strengths:
“Learners” love research and learning for the sake of learning. For me, results matter less than the experience of learning. My immediate boss is clearly “Analytical.” He searches for reasons and causes and has the ability to think about all the factors that might affect a situation. Between the two of us we take forever to get something done. I work much better when I work directly with our President. He is an “Achiever.” Achievers thrive on getting things done. They are driven by accomplishing things. “Learners” and “Achievers” complement each other well and together succeed like they might not as individuals.

Bottom line:
Based on my experience, I think Peter Drucker is correct; few people can articulate their areas of strength. Trying to discover my own strengths has not been an easy process or very effective. So many career books I’ve read in the past, Lawler Kang’s Passion at Work: How to Find Work You Love and Live the Time of Your Life comes to mind, instruct you to perform an exercise or two then assumes you’ve discovered your life’s passion. Now, I finally feel as though I have a baseline of strengths to draw from to continue my process of "Getting my Ducks in a Row."

If you have any interest in discovering your own strengths, I highly recommend taking the StrengthsFinder Profile or at the very least checking out the free VIA online survey. If you do so, please share your experience in the comments or post a link to your own blog post.

Unplugging Electronics; how much does it really save?

After reading electronic devices continue to draw electricity from the socket even when not in use, I began unplugging our phone chargers, microwave, toaster and coffee maker each morning. I’ve wondered how much if any money this is really saving me. After watching this video, I now estimate my efforts to be worth less than $5 a year. Watch the video and see what you think. Is it worth it?

Click here to play video

FYI, if I purchased the electricity meter shown in the video it would take 6 years of continuous unplugging to make up for the $30 purchase price.

The "repair vs. replace" decision

Last weekend, my dryer stopped working; I'd push the start button and nothing would happen. We checked the cord to make sure it was plugged in properly, the circuit breaker and all of the connections. Everything seemed to be in order.

We were then faced with the “repair vs. replace” decision. Several years ago, my husband repaired a used late 70's model dryer that went on to last ten more years. Encouraged by this experience and sensing there really wasn't anything seriously wrong with the dryer we decided to get it repaired.

The repairman initially found our dryer’s problem perplexing. He knew it wasn't taking in enough voltage, but couldn’t figure out why. He too checked all the connections, discovering the problem only after performing a diagnostic test. A couple of wires on the inside terminal block had come loose. Apparently, this happens over time. The cost to fix the wiring was $10. The cost for the diagnostic test was $79. Total cost with tax $94. It seemed a little high for a couple of loose wires, but my husband feels any repair bill under $100 isn’t too bad.

After he left my first thought was could we have fixed it ourselves? I played around on this site, but was unable to find the correct solution to the problem. Plus, if the repairman was perplexed, I doubt my hubby would have figured it out.

That was all great until this weekend. Our dryer now starts, but it no longer provides any heat. So, here we are again faced with the “repair vs. replace” decision. We received this dryer three years ago from my mother-in-law when she moved out of her home. No one knows for sure how old this dryer is, but estimate it’s at least 15 years old. We found the average life of a dryer to be 13 years on this site.

We called the repairman asking for his recommendation. He said the problem could be the element, the switch or the timer. Over the years he has seen two outcomes; he repairs the switch then two weeks later the timer goes. Or he repairs the switch and nothing else goes wrong for another 5 years. In our case, since we think the dryer is at least 15 years old he recommends buying a new dryer. He did suggest testing the dryer on a different dry cycle with an empty dryer.

Of course that didn’t work either. It looks like we wasted $94; hopefully we can make it up on a new more energy efficient dryer.

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Control what you can

An update on "I hate my supervisor"

Towards the end of last year, I wrote a post, "I hate my supervisor" about Alyssa who was having difficulties with her supervisor. She had asked:

Two years ago I was promoted to a different department within my company. I love what I do and have been performing very well. The problem is my supervisor; I hate her and she hates me. She inherited me as a subordinate when my department merged with hers last January. Things got pretty bad earlier this year, forcing me to file a harassment suit against her. HR performed an investigation and determined no harassment had occurred. They did, however, send her to an all day training seminar. Since then, we both go out of our way to avoid each other, but I am constantly on edge thinking she is plotting to get rid of me. My old department has sought me out and offered me my old job back. I hate the idea of giving up my current position, and salary, yet the thought of working for this woman another minute literally makes me ill. What should I do?

What subsequently occurred?

Alyssa
In February, Alyssa resigned from this position and went back to her old job in her former department. She was able to negotiate, a higher salary than what she had been making before (though still a pay cut from her promotion) and better hours. She is a little bored in this position, but is happy to have a job and to be rid of her toxic supervisor.

Her former supervisor
Her supervisor’s job was eliminated effective June 30th. She was told on a Friday, and escorted out the door.

Her former co-workers
The co-workers Alyssa left behind when she returned to her former department have also lost their jobs. Their department has been revamped and all of their positions eliminated. They have been given three options:

1. Leave the company; there is a severance package.
2. Apply for a scaled down version of their job, for less pay.
3. Find another job in the company; i.e. move to Alyssa’s department. They have been offered the same flexible schedule and salary that Alyssa received. (Three of the eight have gone this route).

Bottom Line
It has been my experience that bad managers are eventually weeded out, but it seems to take upper management close to two years to discover and be rid of a problem manager while the lowly ranks who work for them recognize the problems and shortcomings of their new manager within a couple of months. In the meantime, everyone including the company as a whole suffer.

For a good book on dealing with jerks in the workplace, check out Robert Sutton's The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't.

Target Date Funds are not a "Magic Bullet"

My boss, the administrator of our company’s 401(k) plan, fearing fiduciary liability refuses to give our employees investment advice. Instead, he steers them towards our plan's target date funds. Much to his surprise, he recently discovered these funds are not the panacea they appeared to be.

A target date fund is simply a mutual fund with an asset allocation construed with a particular retirement date in mind. If you think you will retire in 10 years, you would pick a 2020 target date fund, with 2020 being roughly the year you plan to retire. It is the fund managers responsibility to reallocate your account from stocks to bonds automatically as your retirement date approaches, becoming progressively more conservative. These funds typically hold a mix of stocks, bonds and cash and will often include an allocation to foreign equities as well.

The latest economic downturn has revealed these funds are not a “magic bullet;” the reality is most of them are badly flawed and inappropriately allocated.

The problems include:
1. The asset allocation strategies and “glide path” vary dramatically among these funds.
No two target date funds invest the same way for the same retirement date. In fact, that's a major problem with them - take any two 2010 target-date funds and you may find one is 15% in stocks and the other is 60% in stocks. That makes a world of difference for someone retiring in 2010.

According to Tom Idzorek, chief investment officer and director of research at Ibbotson Associates, a Morningstar subsidiary, target-date funds differ dramatically in asset mix and in "glide path" — the rate at which the asset mix changes over time. "Participants who rely on date alone to choose a fund can have much more exposure to market volatility than they realize. Indeed, the percentage of equities in 2010 target-date funds ranges from 14% to 65%.

A target-date index created by Dow Jones determined a firm's asset class allocation for 2010 target-date funds should be around 27 percent in equities.

Performance statistics found in Morningstar indicate:
-2010
-The 2008 performance of target date funds ranged from -3.6% to -41.8%
-The 2008 average return -24.3%

-2020
-The 2008 performance of target date funds ranged from -31.1% to -41.8%
-The 2008 average return -37.9%

-The 2008 S&P 500 Index was -37.3%.

2. Many target date funds are stocked with mediocre funds:
Virtually all of these funds are made up of stock and bond funds within the same sponsoring fund family. Fund companies don't have a broad enough lineup of good funds to offer solid target funds so instead they use their lower rated funds that aren’t selling on their own knowing the typical target fund investor won’t probe deeper.

3. Higher fees:
Fees are higher because you are investing in target date funds that own other funds. Not only do you incur the fees of the target-date fund itself, but also the asset-weighted average of the management fees of the underlying funds.

4. One Size Doesn't Fit All:
The premise behind target date funds is that investors are supposed to place all their retirement savings into a single target date fund because one target date fund owns many other funds mixed together to form a specific asset allocation. They are not designed to be used in conjunction with other outside funds. They do not take into consideration a spouse’s 401(k), any other investments, risk tolerance or the actual date you plan on withdrawing your money which may differ from your retirement date.

When asked about my company 401k’s target fund, my financial planner immediately pointed out the above and insisted he could allocate my money more appropriately.

Investors have flocked to these funds ever since they began popping up in 401(k) plans. 40 % of defined contribution plans have target based funds and they are the most common default investment. The demand for target date funds stems from a lack of consumer investment knowledge. The typical consumer is increasingly responsible for funding his or her own retirement and is in dire need of guidance.

“Employees are most confused about how to allocate their investments.”
-401(k) Benchmarking Survey

What is a 401(k) plan sponsor to do?
Education that includes individual meetings and personalized communications are now cited as the most effective strategy for plan success. But beware, such specialized communication usually comes with a fee and one thing our 401(k) plans do not need is another fee.

The bottom line when investing your money; you can’t get away from being responsible for your own retirement. The best advice I can give is if your company provides individual education take advantage of it. It they don't, do the best you can to get your own advice. Visit a fee-only financial planner. Many offer a free consultation. Clark Howard recommends you go to napfa.org to find a fee-only financial planner in your area. He suggests you interview three planners so you are comfortable with their way of investing. Also, get referrals from family and friends.

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What does fiduciary mean?

Lesson of the week: "It is impossible to please everyone"

I’ve been a member of a professional organization for the past 12 years and a board member for 10 of those 12 years. During my tenure, I have held many positions including President. Last year, I took a much needed break after running a major event and was surprised to discover after a couple months how much I missed my board involvement. This year I volunteered to be co-program chair, one of my favorite positions. Our annual planning meeting was this week. It appeared to be a successful meeting; my co-program chair and I presented what we thought was an interesting line-up of CPE topics for the year that were well received.

The morning after the planning meeting, I received the following email from a fellow board member:

Another thought (please take it as constructive), some of the topics, Linked In, Word, other computer related topics are great for those of us GenX and older, but the students/recent grads can probably give some of this training. It probably wouldn't be attractive to them, so if we could do those early on and have more career related topics after student night, that might attract a newer audience?

My first thought was, it is too early in the year for me to get upset about the “never satisfied.” My second thought was, if members have a genuine gripe with the CPE line-up it is still early enough to tweak the schedule, so I emailed my co-program chair asking her opinion. She responded with:

Finding speakers is hard enough, I’m certainly not going to say oh we’re sorry, we want you for a different month now because your topic isn’t quite ‘rock’n’ enough.

And to her point about computer-related and the college kids could teach us something….well if it were about face-book, twitter or blogging probably, but any real-world applications, definitely not. I’ve been in the business world longer than I care to admit and I’m learning things through my ‘new job’ about Excel that I didn’t know were possible. You don’t learn how to spin/pivot/manipulate data in a classroom like you do behind a desk.

(Sorry I’m cranky this morning, I think I need another cup of coffee)

My take on this is, you and I will take guidance on what people want and ‘try’ to accommodate, but in the end you and I find the speakers.

Whether it is planning the menu for a dinner party, preparing the exercise class schedule at the gym, or even deciding what topic to blog about I have come to the conclusion it is impossible to please everyone, all you can do is try to accommodate the majority or in the case of blogging please yourself (why blog about something you are not passionate about). Also, after ten years of active board involvement I am surprised that I am still continuously learning decision making, leadership and management skills. I firmly believe I would not learn nearly as much if I were not an active member.

"If you're trying to please everyone, then you're not going to make anything that is honestly yours, I don't think, in the long run.” Viggo Mortensen

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"Open every door"

"Girl on her way." Relevant lyrics for a mid-life birthday.

I couldn't help but be moved by the following lyrics on Maia Sharp's new song, "Girl on Her Way:"

“How long can she be the girl on her way before she’s just the woman who never got there? How far can she ride the dream of some day?"

I discovered Maia Sharp last week when I heard this interview on NPR. Maia, the daughter of country songwriter Randy Sharp, has been in the music business most of her life. Her songs have been covered by the Dixie Chicks, Bonnie Raitt, Carole King, Cher, Trisha Yearwood, and Mindy Smith. She just released her fourth album, "Echo."

Sharp says, “Since her first album in 1997, she has seen a lot of close calls.” After many brushes with success, she feels Echo is more of an "arrival than an on-the-way. This album, of all my albums, I feel like it has the most truth in it," Sharp says. "I feel like there's some truth in every song. The last song is the truest of all, but I feel great having written it and gotten it out of my brain and my stomach and onto the album. It's really the most cathartic song that I think I've ever written."

"Girl on Her Way," features just Sharp and a piano. It's a poignant, crushing song about expectation and people who are expected to do great things, but fall short. This song will strike a cord with anyone who thought they’d have made it by now or expected more out of their life. It is especially relevant today, as I am yet another year closer to 50 than I am to 40; a fact that my friend’s daughter is all too willing to point out ever since she learned rounding in school.

Then again, Gretchen Rubin did have a valid point when she made “The days are long, but the years are short” one of her “Splendid Truths.” Perhaps instead of concentrating on the “what ifs,” I should focus on what I have achieved and appreciate where I am today; which really isn't that far off from my original dreams.

Also, happy birthday wishes to Sarah Statz Cords of Citizen Reader.

Is it me or is it the Crate & Barrel Table Runner?

I will be the first to admit my interior decorating/housekeeping skills are not exactly on par with Martha Stewarts, but I can’t help wondering if this latest episode is entirely the result of my inadequacy. Last year, I received a gift of hand painted candle holders and have been searching for a table decoration to display them with ever since. A few weeks ago, I found this table runner at Crate & Barrel. The flowered pattern is a perfect match.

After removing the runner from its tightly wrapped plastic packaging, I noticed it was deeply creased. The label indicated the runner was made of cotton; its embroidery made of rayon, so I set my iron on low and began ironing. It wasn’t long before little iron marks started appearing in addition to the creases. Thinking I was ruining my new table runner, I searched the internet for: “How to iron rayon"

On the purse blog I found:

Never iron rayon right side out without a pressing cloth to protect it. Rayon will gain a shine to it if you iron it directly. Either iron the inside of the garment or use a pressing cloth on the outside.

I then ironed the runner from its back side and placed a cloth on its right side while ironing the top. After about twenty minutes the creases remained as well as the little iron marks, only now the runner also refused to lay flat. I quit. Even my husband thought it looked worse than before I had started.

I complained to my more domestic friends, asking if I should take the runner to the dry cleaners. They recommended I steam it or better yet take it back to Crate and Barrel and have them steam it.

Since I don’t own a steamer, I called the store where I had purchased the runner explaining the crease problem. The sales associate’s first comment was all of our table runners are packaged like that (I hadn’t asked; apparently she has had this complaint before). She suggested I wash it then iron it. When I politely asked if by chance the store could steam it for me she responded with:

"Well, you can’t come in today we are too busy (I hadn't intended on going in today). We need to focus on our in-store customers."

And

“If you give us your phone number we'll call you when it is a good time."

Hello. Aren’t I a customer? Although, I am seriously considering never being one again. Also, I work full time and can’t exactly run to the mall when it is convenient for them. And finally, was it really necessary to package the table runner tightly in fancy plastic packaging (which I’m sure cost me at least an extra five bucks). I can't imagine too many customers appreciating the extra work.

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Just wondering why

Happens Every Day: An All-Too-True Story

As part of my 2009 goal “Getting my Ducks in a Row,” I’ve been reading quite a few memoirs in search of inspiration to continue moving forward with those baby steps. In doing so, I’ve come to the conclusion Sarah Statz Cords had a valid point when she wrote on her blog Citizen Reader:

For a long time, I wasn't up to reading memoirs. They're almost like fiction for me in that there's so many of them available; I'm bound not to like the majority of them.

I was looking forward to Isabel Gillies book Happens Every Day: An All-Too-True Story; not all change or reinvention is the result of our own choice i.e. divorce, job loss, or loss of a loved one. In Gillies case, her life is turned upside down after her husband develops a crush on a fellow teacher and announces he is done with their marriage.

I first heard of this book on Gretchen Rubin’s blog The Happiness Project when she interviewed the author, Isabel Gillies. Isabel has done some soul searching on happiness and gave an inspiring somewhat introspective interview. I love this line:

"I think what one may want to achieve is not so much happiness but peace?"

The problem with the book is what the title states, "Happens Every Day" there just isn’t anything new here; Isabel meets boy, gets married, has two kids, relocates for his career, he has an affair, they break up. The story would make a great "Lifetime" movie complete with the requisite box of Kleenex.

I was hoping for more introspection from Gillies including what inspired her to move on after her marriage ended and the steps she took to rebuild her life. Unfortunately, she had given the major points of her introspection in the interview she gave Gretchen which I had previously read.

She did, however, offer two good pieces of advice for couples splitting up:

1. The first step for moving on is to get a really good lawyer.

2. My lawyer from Cleveland gave me a good piece of advice. He said we should come up with a separation agreement fast. If you are close to the marriage you remember what the good parts felt like. In the beginning you both will want to treat each other well, or at least fairly. The farther you get from the marriage, the more lawyers involved, the more he turns into an asshole he never really was before and she turns into an incredible bitch she wasn’t before. Don’t let lawyers talk for you because everyone will lose. Everyone losses anyway in a divorce. Both sides always have to give a little bit more than they want and lose a little bit more than they want. There are no winners.

Enough Said.

Taking personal responsibility for your life

At a recent seminar, one of the speakers made a casual comment linking Generation Y to the culture of irresponsibility. I have never been one to put much credence in generational generalizations or a one-size-fits-all approach.

As I look back on my early twenties, I wouldn’t describe myself as responsible. I was serious about my job and worked hard, but was more about having fun and just letting things happen than being responsible. I knew what I was supposed to do; live below my means, stop using my resources (money, time and energy) trying to impress people, and to end relationships that were bad for me or weren't working, but I didn't take the necessary steps to do so.

I remember the day I had a revelation similar to the one Trent had here on September 23, 2005. I was 28; had finally broken up with my boyfriend of seven years, a bad relationship I had allowed to continue way too long, was working full time and taking accounting courses at night. On this particular day, I was late for class and frantically searching for a parking place. Frustrated and angry I began blaming my parents and ex-boyfriend for the sorry state of my life. Suddenly, I realized none of them were magically going to appear and help me find a parking space. Nor, were they going to pay off my credit card debt, study for my exams or help me achieve any of my other goals. It was up to me. I realized at that moment I needed to take care of myself and accept responsibility for my own actions, decisions and goals. From that day forward, I began making the sacrifices necessary to achieve my goals. I used vacation time to study for exams. I stopped frivolous shopping and dining out; finally living below my means. Eventually, I finished my accounting courses and passed the CPA exam. I got control of my finances, paid off my car loan and credit card debt. I even put some money aside in case of an emergency.

Some additional great advice on becoming accountable comes from Danielle LaPorte's blog White Hot Truth. In her post, for rage babes flakes and tyrants get over it she writes:

Decide to just get over it. Let it be that simple. For most of us who had normally dysfunctional upbringings (I’m not talking about suffering exceptional atrocities or repetitive abuses,) our past is no excuse to continue being a flake, a tyrant, obnoxiously needy, or a rage-babe. Look, we’re all terrific for going to therapy, for having past life insights, and reading Wayne Dyer. Yeah for the New Age. Really. But knowing why you’re so screwed up is only half the journey. Choose to let it be done.

And from her comments:
I don't remember who said it but it's true that we need to spend only 10% of our time, thoughts, and energy talking about the problem and the other 90% working on a solution, a strategy, a plan.

Another commenter writes:
A friend of mine was whining to our small meet-for-coffee gathering about her life being screwed up because her parents, yada, yada, yada. One of the guys looked at her and said: "After 35, everybody needs a new excuse." It stopped her cold.

"After 35, everybody needs a new excuse." ~ I love that. I also think there should be an expiration date on blaming your ex-husband, boyfriend or even your current husband for your life’s circumstances. I was recently at a party where a woman was blaming her ex-husband for her unhappy life. She listed such undesirable factors as he liked dogs while she liked cats. She spoke with such venom and anger I had to ask how long it had been since she divorced. Her reply: Ten years ago.

I hate to see loved ones struggle and make the same mistakes I did, but sometimes failure is necessary before growth, and advice falls on deaf ears. Deciding to take responsibility for your life doesn’t seem to occur at any one particular age, but is a necessary step towards creating the life you want.

For more information on the subject of responsibility, read Henrik Edberg's post 7-timeless-thoughts-on-taking-responsibility-for-your-life.

MSO employees donate $1,000,000 to orchestra

The following announcement was made prior to a recent MSO performance:

"The Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra, currently in its 50th season, plans on being around for at least another 50 years despite the current economic slow down. How is this possible? It is because the MSO’s musicians and staff employees recently made a $1,000,000 donation to the preservation of the MSO."

Actually this “donation” is really a pay cut the musicians agreed to as part of their new contract which goes into effect in August. The 9% salary reduction and reduced pension fund contributions along with the staff cuts removes $960,000 from the 2009-'10 budget.

After hearing this, I’ve been thinking more about my own company’s salary and expense reductions. Like the MSO, my company which has been in business since 1944, has had to go into survival mode. The expense cuts were absolutely necessary to save 115 jobs plus attempt to guarantee our company will also be around for at least another 50 years.

The economy continues to suck for workers!

A reader left a comment on my blog post "A One Word Explanation" offering their own word to describe the economy: “sucks!” I must say after a particularly dismal couple of months, I have to agree the economy does suck, especially for workers. Just about everyone I know myself included has been affected by this recession:

-Heard at my niece’s college graduation party: only 25% of college graduates have job offers (actually 25% is too high, Alison Green of Ask a Manager linked to this article the other day, showing that only 19% of recent grads have found work so far). One partygoer, a grad majoring in computer engineering, had a job offer only to have it rescinded when the company announced it was to be sold. Another grad, an accounting major, had the start date for her new job at an accounting firm postponed from September 1st to January 1st of next year.

- Neighbors and friends have lost their jobs. Amidst struggles to make ends meet, at least one of the several homes in my neighborhood that have gone up for sale is due to a job loss.

- The company I work for had a horrific April. Rumor has it our bank threatened not to renew our line of credit unless major expense cutting took place. Effective June 1st, five employees were laid-off, all exempt employees including myself received an 8% salary reduction, hours were reduced for most non-exempt employees, employee's share of health insurance premiums were increased along with deductibles and out of pocket expenses and the 401(k) company match was suspended. My company anticipates these cuts will remain in effect for at least one year.

- The same week my company announced cutbacks, my husband received a notice from his employer that his 401(k) company match would be suspended effective June 1st.

-Feeling an 8% salary reduction was a little steep; I decided to take action and look for a new job. I spent close to two hours applying for one job opening I found on career builder. I was positive I was a perfect fit. Unfortunately, I received a rejection notice via email first thing the next morning. This was the fastest job rejection I have ever received and the first rejection notice I’ve received via email.

-A friend who owns his own business has also been forced to reduce his employee's wages. He currently has two job openings, but refuses to pay candidates more than what his loyal employees make. He tells potential candidates he can only pay them what the market will bear.

According to Sudeep Reddy in her article in the Wall Street Journal, "A turnaround in the overall economy won't translate into a full turnaround for workers. Most forecasters expect employers to slash more jobs than they're adding at least through the end of the year. The huge job losses may end, but they won't turn into meaningful job gains until sometime in 2010."

How are employees coping? This is what I'm hearing from my co-workers around the water cooler:

I’m not going to make any major purchases I may regret later. There are fears the cuts our company made were not deep enough and additional cuts will be made in the future.

I’m okay with doing Susie’s job in addition to my own because I’m happy to still have a job, but I do plan on asking for a new promotional title that incorporates my new responsibilities. A promotion will look good on my resume.

My boss admits the company decided on salary reductions for exempt employees instead of time-off without pay to prevent employees from using the additional time off to look for a new job. Most employees are at least talking about looking for a new job.

While filling out on-line applications one employee realized she needs Microsoft Access experience. She’s planning on taking a class and incorporating what she learns into her current job.

We need to beef up our networking. The latest networking tool everyone us getting involved with is LinkedIn. Let's check it out on our lunch hour.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours." ~Harry S. Truman

Early Retiree Laments, “Was it all worth it.”

The last time I saw Ron and Cindy, they were both miserable. Both had been working long hours in jobs they could barely tolerate. Ron’s company had undergone a complete management overhaul. He was having difficulty adapting to his company's new culture and his ever increasing job demands. He had gained weight and was suffering from depression. Cindy, who was a special needs teacher, had just finished the most difficult year of her 32-year teaching career. After much soul searching and a little financial planning, they both decided to retire early at the age of 56. That was two years ago.

Here are their thoughts this past weekend on early retirement:

Ron looks fantastic; he has lost weight, is more relaxed and is happier in retirement than he has been in years. He spends his time reading, relaxing and puttering around the house. His current project is painting the outdoor shutters. He feels early retirement is the best thing he ever did.

Cindy is another story; she can't help but wonder if it's all been worth it. First, there was the process of finding a new job. After ending her teaching career, Cindy who is a very social person, decided she still wanted to work, but in a less stressful, part-time capacity. She found a job working as a cashier for the local pharmacy. She soon realized working with the public can be trying. Also, mastering the pharmacy’s cash register was not an easy task. Despite working fewer hours, she still finds herself working with difficult people and dealing with work-place politics, only now she makes less money and has no benefits. She thinks she may have been better off staying where she was at. “I knew that job like the back of my hand.” She has accepted a part-time teaching job at her old school for the summer.

Then there was the market turn-down last fall. Their portfolio lost 50% of its value. To continue to make ends meet, they had to adjust their budget by curtailing eating out and canceling all travel plans. They both acknowledge if they hadn’t retired before the downturn they would probably both still be working.

What is the moral of this story? I have dreamed of retiring early for years, actually since the late 90’s when my 401(k) was earning double digit returns. This fantasy usually includes a little part-time job, maybe in retail, just to get out of the house. After talking to Cindy, I realize work is just that – work. If I can’t afford to or don’t want to retire completely, I may be better off staying where I’m at until I can.

A second mammogram required; questions answered

Pleased to have this task completed in less than 15 minutes after arrival; I was feeling pretty cheeky as I left the clinic this year after my annual mammogram. Unfortunately, I would receive a call later that day informing me additional images were needed. I would undergo a second mammogram and ultimately a biopsy. To my relief, I ended up having a benign breast calcification, not cancer. As I look back on this experience, which was pretty surreal, I realize I had quite a few questions throughout the process. I will now attempt to answer those questions with the intention of helping others in a similar situation.

How common is it to be called back for a second image?
About one in ten mammogram screenings result in a patient being called back for further testing. Most likely this call back is not due to a bad image, but because the radiologist saw something that looked suspicious and wants a better view. The second screening is a magnification or a compression view where they zone in on a specific area or an ultrasound that will give information like is it a solid area or just a more dense area of tissue or if it's a cyst.

What was seen on my second diagnostic image?
The radiologist saw a calcification on my left breast that had not been present on prior images.

What are breast calcifications?
They are deposits of calcium in some areas of the breast tissue that show up as white spots on a mammogram. They cannot be felt, and are only detected on a breast mammogram. They are very common and in most cases harmless.

There are two types:
Macro-calcifications are usually larger, fewer in number, widely dispersed, and round. They are harmless and need no treatment or monitoring.

Micro-calcifications are specks of calcium that may be found in an area of rapidly dividing cells. When many are seen in a cluster, they may indicate a small cancer. About half the cancers detected appear as these clusters.

What causes breast calcifications?
Calcium can be deposited in breast tissue for a variety of reasons, many of which are not related to cancer. Some benign causes of breast calcifications include inflammation from a breast infection, and injury or trauma to the breast. Calcium deposits may also be included in a benign breast cyst or a benign breast growth like a fibroadenoma. Taking calcium pills does not cause them. Also, there is no known link between calcium intake in diet and the formation of breast calcifications. Nor has a correlation been found between post-menopausal hormone replacement therapy and the development of breast calcifications. Calcifications in breast tissue occur most commonly as a natural process of aging. As we age, there is some degeneration of tissues and this can cause calcifications. Hence most women develop calcifications as they grow older. The cause which worries women the most is of course cancer. But cancer as a cause of breast calcification is quite uncommon compared to the high proportion of calcifications seen due to other causes. Cancer is suspected only in some specific patterns of calcification.

Why a biopsy?
The way these calcifications are positioned within the breast and their number and shape can provide the radiologist with an idea of whether these should be left alone or further examined for invasive or preinvasive disease.

My radiologist explained there are three possible determinations he makes based on the shape of the calcification:
1. A mass that is star-shaped or irregular is serious.
2. A round or smooth-edged mass is more likely to be a fluid-filled cyst and not serious.
3. Calcifications that are hard-to-tell he deems indeterminate. Of course, mine was indeterminate.

There are two approaches to dealing with indeterminate calcifications:

A wait and see approach ~ I would return in six months for a follow-up mammogram to see if the calcifications have changed - a sign that a cancer could be growing.

Perform a biopsy ~ This is the only way to be absolutely certain the calcification is benign. Whether or not to do a biopsy depends on the radiologist's level of suspicion. When suspicious micro-calcifications appear on a mammogram, but no lump is felt, a needle localization biopsy is recommended, so that breast tissue can be removed and examined under a microscope by a pathologist. Some radiologists recommend the aggressive approach when dealing with indeterminate calcifications, recommending a needle-localization biopsy to see whether malignancy is present.

Because the deposit had not been present on prior mammograms along with the indeterminate positioning of the calcifications my radiologist strongly recommended a biopsy.

What actually takes place during the biopsy which is called a stereotactic core needle biopsy?
The radiologist removes small slivers of tissue containing the “suspicious” calcifications through a thin, hollow needle. This procedure is done using a special table and computer guidance device. A stereotactic core needle biopsy requires only local anesthesia (the patient is awake and alert) and the tissue can be sent to the laboratory for analysis without surgery.

My biopsy went well; the radiologist was able to remove the entire mass of calcifications. Afterward, he indicated he would be surprised if the biopsy results did not come back benign. Also, he was pleased to have been able to remove the entire deposit.

What percentages of biopsies are benign?
Around 85%. Calcifications themselves are not cancer but may be present in the midst of a cancer. Clustered small calcifications alone are associated with about a 25 percent risk of cancer.

Final thoughts on the ordeal:
~I didn’t get rattled, but I was anxious. To help ease the anxiety, I rescheduled both appointments to earlier dates as cancelled appointments became available. If something was seriously wrong I wanted to know as soon as possible.

~ I asked as many questions as I could of family and friends who had undergone the same procedure to give myself some idea of what to expect.

~ My sister, who is a radiologic technologist, gave me the following advice which did wonders to reassure me everything was going to be fine even if the calcs were malignant:
Calcium deposits also called micro-calcifications can be a very early sign of a cancer called ductal carcinoma in situ. If this is the case, would be easily treatable since it is so early.

~ Now that the bills are coming in (this procedure cost close to $5,000, of which my insurance company will pay 90% after I meet my deductible), I can't help wonder if I should have gone with the wait-and-see approach. My sister strongly disagrees with this statement insisting I did the right thing following the radiologist's recommendation.

~ You can’t take aspirin seven days prior to the biopsy and for three days following, but you can take Tylenol. I wasn't informed of the Tylenol option until after I developed an incredible migraine and pleaded with my breast care coordinator to allow me to take some type of pain reliever.

~What do you wear to a biopsy?
As I prepared for my biopsy, I couldn’t help think what does one wear to a biopsy; do you go for style or cheering up? I ended up going with worn and comfortable. I thought this was kind of weird thing to think about until I read in his book Chasing Daylight;Eugene O’Kelly wore golf clothes to his radiation appointments to get in a good mood as if he were going to play a round.

~During the procedure, the breast care coordinator stood next to me talking me through the procedure. I appreciated this diversion.

~The biopsy itself hurt. My back and neck got stiff. Also, the recovery wasn’t pleasant for the first couple of days. I had to ice the area every four hours and could lift nothing heavier than a jug of milk. Even moderate activity produced bleeding. Plus, I am still black and blue and the procedure was three weeks ago.

~Despite all of the favorable assurances I received, it was an incredible relief to know for sure it wasn't cancer.

~ And lastly, if you need to let a patient know their lab results are going to take longer than anticipated do not start the conversation with: “I HAVE BAD NEWS.”

You need your customers more than they need you

While vacationing in St. John, my husband and I had the pleasure of meeting Richard Meyer, the proprietor for "The Lime Inn". We discussed the economy and inquired how the recession had affected his restaurant. Without hesitation he replied, “Business has been slow.”

Vacationers are traveling to St John, especially now that it is spring, but they are spending all of their time at the beach. Retail sales, restaurant activity and chartered excursions are suffering. I understood spending your entire vacation at the beach, but couldn’t comprehend why tourists were not eating at the restaurants. Groceries on the island are quite expensive (about double what I pay in Milwaukee); since food is expensive anyway, why go to all the extra trouble of shopping, cooking and cleaning up?

Upon further investigation, we discovered travelers are not buying food on the island; they are bringing it with them. They pack steaks, chicken, and sandwich fixings all in an ice chest then check it as one of their checked bags.

A couple of days later, we visited Richard's restaurant, The Lime Inn, which surprisingly was filled to capacity. The group ahead of us was told there would be an hour wait ‘til they could be seated. They left. Richard spotted us, apologized for the lack of tables then offered to have us sit at the server bar or the customer bar saying, "I need you more than you need me." We choose the server bar. This ended up being one of our favorite vacation experiences. Katy, the bartender, not only served us our food, but acted as a quasi tour guide recommending vacation hotspots and giving us insight into what it’s like living in St. John. Plus, the food was excellent. I highly recommend the Shay’s seafood sausage appetizer.

With discount chains such as Wal-Mart, Costco, and McDonalds pushing out businesses in every major city and small town, it is important in a down economy to distinguish your business through customer service. Take note of Richard’s sage observation "I need your more than they need me.”

"How to rob a bank"

Willie Porter has the banking crisis figured out. Click Here. Go to media player. Listen to song 01.

Enough said.

Tips on maintaining a stress free life

Since returning from vacation, I’ve been contemplating what I can do to minimize the stress in my life on a day-to-day basis. I came up with the following list of items I currently try to employ:

1. Get enough sleep; I need at least 7 hours of solid sleep to feel rested, not edgy the next day

2. Live below my means; I sleep better when I’m not worried about paying the bills

3. Exercise – I try to workout at least 3 times a week; exercise helps me sleep better

4. Spend at least a half hour each night unwinding with a good book (even DH has noticed I get cranky when I don’t have a good book to read)

5. Take a sick day when I’m sick – I’m not very good at this one

6. Cut back on caffeine; drink more water – I used to drink coffee in the morning, soda in the afternoon. Now I skip the soda and drink water, I’ve noticed I’m not nearly as jittery

7. Cook on the weekends – eat the leftovers during the week. I rarely take the time to cook during the week; if I don’t have something already made I usually end up eating junk food.

8. Keep a couple of safety pins in my purse in case of a wardrobe malfunction

9. Don’t drink coffee while driving unless I want to wear the coffee all day

10. To minimize scheduling conflicts use only one calendar

11. If a home repair job is out of my or DH’s area of expertise (plumbing comes to mind) hire a professional

12. Think thru an invitation before saying yes; especially events that occur during the work day; for me it’s stressful getting out of work on time, finding the event (directions are not my forte), and searching for a parking spot

13. I stopped using computerized photo software and bought a photo reader

14. Use mapquest; if going to a job interview, drive by the interview site the night before

15. Admit mistakes right away; I heard this one at a seminar years ago. I have since found it is much better to admit a mistake right away rather than worrying about it for days. I’ve also found many times what I think is a huge deal is either not the big deal I thought it was or is something that can easily be fixed.

I also came up with three things I could or should do in the future:

1. Take a computer trouble shooting class. Nothing gets my blood boiling faster, that when something goes wrong with my computer.

2. Cut back on sugar

3. Buy a GPS system (I really am terrible with directions)

What are your tips for maintaining a stress free life?

A one word explanation

DH posed the following question to our financial planner?

If you could explain what has happened to the economic and financial markets over the past 6 months in one word, what would that word be?

His answer:

Recalibration

Definition from Dictionary.com:

Main Entry: recalibrate
Part of Speech: v
Definition: to correct a measuring process by checking or adjusting again in comparison with a standard
Example: The archaeologist recalibrated radiocarbon dates to adjust them to calendar years, using results gained from dendrochronology

Note: He did not choose the word "crisis", even though what occurred is, or at least was, a crisis. He feels the media overuse the word; calling everything a crisis, so he avoids using it.

The Stress-Free Zone

Last week, while vacationing on the Caribbean island of St. John, I experienced what may have been the most relaxing day of my life; I guess you could say I was in a stress-free zone. What factors contributed to this state of bliss?

- The mental clarity achieved hiking to the beach

- The meditating lull of the sea

- The beauty of the blue sky

- Nothing more taxing to do than watch the palms of the palm trees sway in the wind

- The poetry of the novel I was reading; The Blind Assassinwhich is Margaret Atwood at her best

- The ability to finally shut off the nagging voice that’s constantly reminding me of all the things I need to do

As my vacation came to a close, I couldn’t help but contemplate why it took ‘til day five of my vacation to achieve this stress-free zone. Here are a few things I could have done differently to help my vacation get off on a stress free note:

- Don’t over-promise. We were scheduled to spend our first night of travel in Chicago. I had promised my husband I'd leave work early, so we could get an early start, knowing my boss always keeps me ‘til the last possible minute the day before I leave for vacation. Sure enough, I was given a last minute project that kept me working much later than anticipated. This set the tone for an impatient husband, a hurried exit and several forgotten last minute items.

- Don't multi-task. The night before our vacation, I packed my bags while talking on the phone. Can you see what's coming – yes, more forgotten items. I recently read that multitasking never works. I think this is a true statement; at least it never seems to work for me.

- Take advantage of technology. Before leaving, I had decided not to add cell phone coverage for the Virgin Islands to my cell phone plan; I was unhappy with the projected extra fees and roaming charges. This was a mistake. Pay phones don't really exist anymore and if they do they are in disrepair. This caused all sorts of complications with our car rental company, our villa caretaker and our airline. We returned home to find messages from all parties on our home phone providing valuable information about flight changes and meeting arrangements. I'm sure the parties above assumed they were leaving messages on our cell phone. Also, it would have been easier to book excursions and make restaurant reservations with a cell phone rather than having to rush back to our villa for confirmation messages.

- Simplify your routine. After a full day of travel, arrange for an easy meal the night of arrival; either eat in or go to a restaurant within walking distance. Also, on what was the most relaxing day of my life we had planned a late afternoon hike, but not wanting to leave the beach decided to forego it. We had finally learned if we wanted to truly relax we had to simplify our routine.

- Be more organized. Make a list of items that need to be packed and then actually use the list. Once home, add any forgotten or neglected items to the list. Save the list to use when packing for the next vacation.

- Vacation at a familiar destination. I never used to understand why someone would want to vacation at the same place every year. Now I get it. It took us two full days to become acclimated with St. John. If you are truly looking for relaxation, familiarity is a key factor. Also, we discovered many ways we could cut costs if we were to return to St. John. If you travel to the same destination each year, you are more likely to pack the right items and are less likely to encounter unforeseen surprises.

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Blog Browsing

Last week, I was out of town on a much needed vacation and have not yet gotten back to my usual routine, in the meantime I'd like to spotlight a couple of blogs I enjoy browsing:

Journey Mama - Rae is a mama who is definitely on a journey. She recently moved from northern California to India with her family; her superstar husband and their four children ranging in ages from not yet one to six years old. She is a beautiful writer who posts honestly about her life. Plus, she includes amazing photos of her friends and family and an occasional video or two.

Two Kitties - This is the sort of blog I envisioned creating when I started my first blog, A Little Bit of Culture, but soon felt I wasn’t up to the task. Heidi, who is an artist, is much more qualified. Her blog's eclectic posts are guaranteed to fulfill your daily culture fix.

Retired Syd- I became fascinated with this blog after realizing how much Sydney and I have in common; both of us work/worked as accountants, neither of us are/were totally enamored with this profession (I think this has to do with the long hours and the stress), both of us are in our forties, and both of us blog as a hobby. I have always dreamed of retiring early, Sydney actually did (a year ago at age 44). Reading Sydney's blog gives me a glimpse into what life would be like in early retirement. I can dream can’t I!!!

Does Happiness have a Set Point?

Recently on Gretchen Rubin's blog, "The Happiness Project", Gretchen interviewed the ever brazen Penelope Trunk about happiness. Penelope, in her words, is "pissy" about happiness research. She doesn’t think the discussion “Am I Happy” is productive or that there is a lot of happiness in life only a lot of hopefulness. Her happiness level in life doesn’t particularly change depending on where she is in life. She has a sort of setpoint. She veers from it in the same way she veers from her regular weight the day after Thanksgiving -- She always goes back to that setpoint.

In a later post, Gretchen attempts to debunk the myth Nothing Changes a Person's Happiness Level Much. Gretchen writes:

Major life events can have strong, lasting effects on people’s happiness. For example, although people adapt quickly to marriage, it takes much longer for widows to adapt to widowhood. Losing a job, getting divorced—these kinds of events make a significant lasting impact on happiness. Adaptation varies considerably among people. Some get over changes quickly, while others take much longer to adapt, if they ever do.

This is the way I’ve come to think about this question: People are born with a natural range of temperament, but circumstances, actions, and thoughts can push people up to the top of their range or down to the bottom of their range.

I find myself agreeing so completely with Alex Lickerman at Happiness in this world's comment; I am including it in its entirety:

I've found the level of happiness I enjoy seems to fluctuate from moment-to-moment depending on how resistant I am to the vagaries of external forces pressing on my life-condition. When good things happen I tend to feel good for a while and when bad things happen I tend to feel bad for a while. But I've become convinced that if we work to increase our capacity to experience happiness, like exercising a muscle it will grow stronger, and the set point around which our happiness fluctuates will inevitably rise. But it really does seem to require diligent, consistent effort and the pursuit of a path that actually works. It also seems to me there are far more bad ways to pursue happiness than good ways.

Summary:
I am not sure if happiness has a set point, but I do know when events in my life take a turn for the worst, I’ve learned the “process of pushing myself” out of my comfort zone to search out what makes me happier always seems to help; this is the same process I’m using in my current project "Getting My Ducks in a Row". Another technique I’ve employed with success is writing entries in my gratitude journal.

Also, I don't place much credence on personal assessments such as the Authentic Happiness Inventory Questionnaire. This questionnaire requires you to answer questions by picking one statement in each group that best describes the way you have been feeling. I think these types of questionnaires are easily skewed based on how you subconsciously feel the outcome should be.

If you'd like to read more on the subject of happiness; my favorite book on the subject is Tal Ben-Shahar's Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment.

Passion at Work

Unlike my brother, who has known since junior high school he wanted to be an architect; I never had a clear plan as to what I wanted to do when I grew up. I am now 46 and I still don’t know. I love asking recent high school grads what their career plans are. This is not because I am nosy, I’m looking for ideas.

Then there is my DH who never had a passion for a particular career, but knew himself well enough to make career decisions based on his proficiencies. By knowing his strengths and limitations, he knew when to take the promotion and when to say no thanks; I’ll stay where I’m at. I believe this has resulted in him being happier with his work in the long run.

As part of "Getting my Ducks in a Row," I read Lawler Kang’s Passion at Work: How to Find Work You Love and Live the Time of Your Life.It was recommended by a friend who found the exercises helpful in sorting out her own career issues. In the past, I’ve been skeptical of authors who claimed their book would help you discover things such as your work passion, but at this point in my life I what do I have to lose.

The book is divided into 5 P’s:
Passion – What do you want your tombstone to say?
Proficiencies- What can the whole and impassioned you be the best at.
Priorities – Matrix this.
The Plan
Prove – How do you fund your plan?

I read most of the book and made it through step three on the exercises (I was unable to complete step 4- the plan, since I didn't come up with a passion). Despite not discovering my life passion, I did learn some useful insights about myself from the exercises. In comparing the results from step one and step two, I was able to see clear patterns. I enjoy challenging projects; going back to school, becoming a CPA, analyzing financial data, even writing this blog. Perhaps, that is what I need, another challenging project. Something I am solely responsible for.

In reading this book, I may not have discovered my life passion, but I did come away with a better understanding of myself. I rate the book 3.5/5.